EHPRA Journal

[mat422]

I feel like I never really get into personal stuff that much here, but screw it EHPRA has been bringing stuff up. My childhood home was sold about 6 months ago. I'm still having dreams about going there and realizing another family lives there now. Last night while lying awake I realized why it tears me up so much inside. That home held a lot of happy memories for me and I feel like now that it's gone those memories aren't as real. I realize I'm not the only one to go through this, it's nothing special or unique to me. But denying that feeling has been hurting me more than helping. I know I need to move on, as dwelling on the past will only cause more suffering. But at the same time I guess it's a process that has to work itself out.

The thing is I've always felt things deeply. But outwardly I'm not at all emotional, so sometimes I don't even talk about this stuff with anyone. Sometimes it's hard being this way in a society where everyone expects you to suck it up and move on. Especially when there is no off switch for your feelings. I feel like I should be over it by now, but I guess I'm not. And I guess that's ok because there's really no correct way to process emotions.

[Bliss]

It is our very nature to be emotional and to express it. Just watch kids, they're experts on processing emotion. It is our society that is sick.

In regards to you still feeling upset about things in the past, I've learnt a very important thing on my emotional healing journey. It's a process, and there's steps. Moving on/forgiving/etc. is the last step (or one of), feeling angry/sad/insert emotion here has to happen before you move on.

I spent most of my life 'sucking it up' but now I engage in one of the most loving things you can do for yourself. Let yourself be a mess ...

[RTBoss]

Validating your own emotions is very healing. No one gets to tell you how to feel. They're yours, it's ok to have them, and validating yourself spurs self-growth and shows others it's ok to feel as well. Thanks for sharing.

[mat422]

It is our very nature to be emotional and to express it. Just watch kids, they're experts on processing emotion. It is our society that is sick.

In regards to you still feeling upset about things in the past, I've learnt a very important thing on my emotional healing journey. It's a process, and there's steps. Moving on/forgiving/etc. is the last step (or one of), feeling angry/sad/insert emotion here has to happen before you move on.

I spent most of my life 'sucking it up' but now I engage in one of the most loving things you can do for yourself. Let yourself be a mess ...

So true. I've often felt people need to learn less about managing their emotions and instead focus on allowing them. Indeed our society tends to teach us emotions are a sign of weakness.

Validating your own emotions is very healing. No one gets to tell you how to feel. They're yours, it's ok to have them, and validating yourself spurs self-growth and shows others it's ok to feel as well. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for listening and providing the valuable insight. Sometimes I feel somewhere in my development I learned all the wrong lessons about emotions in general.

[mat422]

I don't know how to describe this but here it goes. I feel like with these subliminals I'm trying to improve myself. But it's taking me away from who I am. Like I'm trying to be someone else instead of healing the damaged part of myself. I keep trying to be confident, happy, successful, etc. But I never actually am. It's like slapping a bandaid over a deep wound.

Down to my core I just feel like I don't like myself. Like inhabiting my own skin is uncomfortable and I'm trying to get away from myself. And I realize that's a huge problem, because if I never like myself I'll never be happy. But you can't just tell yourself to like yourself. It doesn't work like that. I can't even deconstruct why I don't like myself. That's the hardest part. If I had some concrete reason I could probably do better. But it's so abstract, it's just this feeling. And it follows me everywhere. And I try to escape it at almost every opportunity, sometimes I don't even realize it. I've made a habit of putting on different masks. Sometimes just so I don't worry other people. But I rarely ever feel ok being myself.

I'm not holding onto this. I'm looking to move past it. But for the time being it sucks. And it's largely an emotional issue, outside the realm of conscious thought which makes it nearly impossible to deal with on any kind of rational level.

[Natious]

I don't know how to describe this but here it goes. I feel like with these subliminals I'm trying to improve myself. But it's taking me away from who I am. Like I'm trying to be someone else instead of healing the damaged part of myself. I keep trying to be confident, happy, successful, etc. But I never actually am. It's like slapping a bandaid over a deep wound.

Down to my core I just feel like I don't like myself. Like inhabiting my own skin is uncomfortable and I'm trying to get away from myself. And I realize that's a huge problem, because if I never like myself I'll never be happy. But you can't just tell yourself to like yourself. It doesn't work like that. I can't even deconstruct why I don't like myself. That's the hardest part. If I had some concrete reason I could probably do better. But it's so abstract, it's just this feeling. And it follows me everywhere. And I try to escape it at almost every opportunity, sometimes I don't even realize it. I've made a habit of putting on different masks. Sometimes just so I don't worry other people. But I rarely ever feel ok being myself.

I'm not holding onto this. I'm looking to move past it. But for the time being it sucks. And it's largely an emotional issue, outside the realm of conscious thought which makes it nearly impossible to deal with on any kind of rational level.

I know the feeling, it sucks. Feels like going in circles too. The more you try to be yourself the further you seem to drift away.

[Dubls]

So you consciously recognize that you are developing in ways that are contrary to the self you have come to identify with over the course of your life. I've been there too, and it is a sign of growth.

[mat422]

I don't know how to describe this but here it goes. I feel like with these subliminals I'm trying to improve myself. But it's taking me away from who I am. Like I'm trying to be someone else instead of healing the damaged part of myself. I keep trying to be confident, happy, successful, etc. But I never actually am. It's like slapping a bandaid over a deep wound.

Down to my core I just feel like I don't like myself. Like inhabiting my own skin is uncomfortable and I'm trying to get away from myself. And I realize that's a huge problem, because if I never like myself I'll never be happy. But you can't just tell yourself to like yourself. It doesn't work like that. I can't even deconstruct why I don't like myself. That's the hardest part. If I had some concrete reason I could probably do better. But it's so abstract, it's just this feeling. And it follows me everywhere. And I try to escape it at almost every opportunity, sometimes I don't even realize it. I've made a habit of putting on different masks. Sometimes just so I don't worry other people. But I rarely ever feel ok being myself.

I'm not holding onto this. I'm looking to move past it. But for the time being it sucks. And it's largely an emotional issue, outside the realm of conscious thought which makes it nearly impossible to deal with on any kind of rational level.

I know the feeling, it sucks. Feels like going in circles too. The more you try to be yourself the further you seem to drift away.

Glad I'm not alone in dealing with this. It's definitely one of those things that impacts nearly every area of my life.

So you consciously recognize that you are developing in ways that are contrary to the self you have come to identify with over the course of your life. I've been there too, and it is a sign of growth.

When you put it that way I can see how I'm getting better. At least with not identifying with it as much. But it's almost like revealing all this messed up stuff and then not really having a solution or answer. Well there actually is, the subliminals, but it takes time and I guess being stuck in the state between absolutely identifying with it and not identifying with it is torture. Like two different sides pulling at your mind. I guess this is what psychologists would call cognitive dissonance.

[mat422]

After feeling all this negative crap I've realized I messed up. I got sucked into the stories I tell myself again instead of realizing it's just feelings. That's the thing though, if you do it enough it becomes a feedback loop. You feel a certain way and that triggers an onslaught of negative thinking and ruminating. Like I need some kind of justification for why I'm feeling a certain way so my mind builds a story or explanation.

You can get lost in your own mind so easily. I don't know if this is a result of the subliminal healing old wounds and then me confusing them for present day feelings. It's like a complete regression to my old self. Probably my mind clinging onto my old self.

Through my relatively negative and dark period, I did feel some kind of voice in the back of my head telling me it wasn't right. But I'd like to avoid this in the future if at all possible. It's almost like amnesia when it happens, I forget that I'm not that person anymore and I shouldn't feed it.

I have to remember to keep my focus towards the future and to not let the past dictate how I respond to life events. I've changed for the better and I have to use that new self to build new experiences for myself.

I just realized a lot of this just stems from lack of self compassion for myself. I'm going to practice having more compassion for myself from now on. I'm very understanding of others issues and accept them as they are, but it seems like I don't get the same treatment for whatever reason. This leads to a lot of inner pain because I'm constantly judging and criticizing myself.

[mat422]

It's been particularly rough lately with unemployment. Due to my social anxiety my networking skills really suck and because of the fear in general even when I apply for jobs my mind is trying to run away from the situation which causes some undesired consequences. It's like I know I need money, but getting over that fear takes so much willpower and effort I'm just so drained. And the guilt is terrible. I'm not gonna lie, there are plenty of other people out there looking for jobs putting in way more effort than me. I'm not going to delude myself into believing I'm doing the best I can because I know I'm not. I could be doing so much more. But what can I say? I'm my own worst enemy right now.

And I also feel like the strengths I hold aren't valued all that much when it comes to some of these employers. In general I'm independent, quiet, creative, careful planner, and not exactly quick minded but I'm fairly intelligent. They all want extroverted, team players, doers, not thinkers. I'm probably applying for the wrong jobs for my personality type, true. But when you need money it's not exactly a choice anymore. One of the things I can't stand is pretending to be something I'm not. I absolutely hate the pressure to be extroverted in America. I've got enough on my mind, the last thing I need to be told is that I need to change to conform to some standard.

[mat422]

Had a job interview the other day. I hate the hours leading up to something like a job interview. Everyone always says everyone gets nervous at job interviews it's ok, but for me I just really hate it. And preparation is always pushed as the most important thing, but when you struggle with anxiety your short term memory just goes out the window. Luckily I've got enough experience to remain calm under pressure. Out of all my job interviews I've had, I felt like the anxiety was probably about a 9 or 10. When I did this one it was about 7. So EHPRA has definitely been helping me out. I just look forward to the day when I can go for a job interview and just truly not care if I get the job or not or what the employer thinks of me. Not apathy, but just not having that weight of failure or feeling like a disappointment when I don't do well or don't get the job.

And something else that's been on my mind. I might have repeated this somewhere in my long history of posts, but it's important. I've noticed a trend that when things get rough or stressful I sort of freeze up. I try to escape from my own mind. I don't know how to describe it. But it's like pulling back inside yourself and kind of shutting out the world. It's a horrible habit because things still go to crap around me and I'm not grounded in the real world. I tend to get easily overwhelmed at all the stuff I feel like I should do to the point where I don't know where to begin then I get stuck in this horrible paralysis of analyzing the crap out of everything thinking I'll find a solution. But the only way to snap out of it is to just do something and take action.

Part of that stems from my lack of belief in myself. I still feel like I need to get to some kind of point before my life can begin. Like I'm holding off until everything is sorted out and I feel good enough to be out in the world. But I guess that's just the perfectionism kicking in due to my fear of rejection as my imperfect self.

My music has been going slow. Sort of fell behind. Had to prioritize my job search so I could pay rent and eat. I've been working on it here and there. As much as I love my music, I realize now that I was using it as an unhealthy escape at times and disregarding responsibilities.

[mat422]

So I've decided to get in as many hours possible with EHPRA 2.0. The reason I cut back on the hours with 1.0 is I think I was bringing up too much at once. But with this new program I feel like it's being managed a lot better. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, had my first real big success with this subliminal. I was out running some errands and feeling pretty run down. Normally I head straight back home, but since I need a job I figured I could stop by one of my grocery stores and see if they were hiring. About halfway through finishing up my errands I decided I wouldn't go and I'd do it tomorrow. But when I got in my car I headed for the direction of the grocery store lol. Went and asked, said they weren't hiring at the moment. As a side note, I feel like most major retail stores don't do in person applications anymore. It's all online. The job application process nowadays doesn't really work with that oldschool foot in the door method as well.

So I'm pretty amazed at how well I was able to turn my decision around and just go for it. In the past the fear definitely would have won out or if I went I'd have a pounding heart as I sat in the parking lot debating whether or not I should go in. I still had a bit of anxiety, but the major difference was there was something else there that helped me push past it that I never really felt before.

2 days in now and I can actually feel myself not giving into the fear as much. And it's not fighting the fear or overpowering it, but an actual restructuring of how I respond to fear which is pretty great.

I know that achievement doesn't seem like a big deal here. But I have to emphasize that I've NEVER in my entire life got past fear without a ton of mental strain and stress on my part. Just being able to do something as routine as this without feeling like I'm in a life or death struggle is so relieving. It's made me realize all this guilt and shame for not being able to overcome this stuff was unnecessary. Mostly because now I realize if I'm given the right tools I can overcome stuff. But in the past when I was younger I was never given any of that and the blame fell solely on myself instead of seeing that I had a problem with limited solutions being offered to me.

So Shannon if you happen to read this, you've really outdone yourself with this subliminal. It's going to take me a few days to really wrap my head around the fact that it's this powerful. There's a strong feeling of disbelief that it's helping me this much. Probably because I've never encountered something that actually works this well on me. But so far results look very promising.

[Inconceivablezen]

Seems great Mat! I will be peaking into your journal more often.

Amazing improvements for just two days on the new sub!

[Shannon]

I am thrilled that it's helping you, Mat! I'd hoped it would. You've had such a familiar struggle.