Subliminal Talk

I got on the forum today, and read some thread updates. I was inspired to move my loop number on B to 4 loops. I've been resisting the script a lot lately, me not embracing new thinking and all. I'd done 2 loops last time, and I'll see what happens. Just running US flac so I won't lose sleep.

Also, my ex called me an hour ago. She never calls, I expected some possible fiasco, but that never happened. She called just to say hi and tell me about a girlfriend she's enjoying spending time with. The meat is that her friend lived here locally when my ex was here, but she recently moved up there close to her. Her friend recently divorced her hubbie of 22 years, has a boyfriend now, and is pregnant. Her friend always wanted more kids, but her ex wouldn't allow it.

I'm wondering....what else was on her mind? I am thinking it was sex personally, by her vibe and excitement.

I'm glad I am on DMSI. While showering I thought of our past sex life--very dull. I've often blamed her for it. What I realized is I used to lock up when with her sexually. My mother issues and memories surfaced regularly, obliterating my passion. I actually felt resentful a few times during sex, and I'd be ashamed and afraid of these memories. Emotionally, I withdrew, often. So, I'm glad I'm using DMSI.

Gonna drop. Long day tomorrow and I need sleep now.

My ex contacted me a few days ago and I have noticed from others on DMSI that people from their past have mysteriously popped back into their lives. It’s one thing if it is old friends but, and I’m sure you already know this, ex’s popping back in your life should be taken as a red flag and can run a risk of derailing your progress through DMSI. I took my ex contacting me as that, especially since there is a lady in my life that I’m working on progressing on. It’s good that you shared that so that we can relay our experiences and views. At the end of the day it’s your call on how you want to interact with her, just expressing a perspective on my end.

Maybe it's the imprint module. Did Shannon put that in 3.2? I know it was talked about...

I'm not sure why you're taking it as a red flag, unless you really don't want anything to do with them.

DMSI is working on manifesting girls to have sex with, and tends to start with the 'easier' ones for you for lack of better word. And with an ex it's not like you'd have to go on a heap of dates or anything, you could just fuck them.

Obviously they are responding to something in DMSI. It might also be something around the healing, on E2 I had a few people pop up that I was upset with from the past and was thinking about and hadn't seen for a while.

I knew this would happen.. Someday. Well I hope u enjoy this journey of ur. I also hope that the obstacles u r facing with meeting with ur daughter also dissolve away.

Mischief, I don't see her as derailing anything. No. This behavior of hers is very unlike her normally, so I'm actually trying to allow anything to happen. I was in our work truck today, and I stopped myself before I put down my ex to my coworker. Maybe it's DMSI, but I just stopped and corrected myself. I've made her the bad girl in our relationship a long time. It's easy, especially when I'm playing a victim. I did that a LOT not too far back.

But I could not and would not do that today. I admitted to my coworker that I'd made her to be the bad (girl), and I shared that I was, in fact, very rejecting of her non-verbally throughout our marriage. I silently sulked a lot, hoping it'd get her to do what I wanted. Lala-land.

I've been seeing repeatedly that I can only treat people like I treat myself. And for a long time, I've really hated myself. That's why I made her the bad girl; I despised myself. And it was all based in a "someone will save me" mindset. Of course, my wife didn't, and she eventually left. I tried to manipulate her into playing a loving parent for me. I created a sick environment, and she left, to breathe.

So why is she coming down here where I live? This is a happy thought to me. I think she's been around her pregnant friend, and my wife (before our dating and marrying) was a horndog, by her own admission. When she was pregnant with our daughter, she wanted sex, even needed it. I was blind to it, frustrating her a lot now that I think of it. She wanted as much sex as she could handle--knowing she couldn't get MORE pregnant. Pregnancy scared her then, and yesterday on the phone, she shared she'd be overwhelmed if she were pregnant now (mid-40's). So, she's been very against getting pregnant for decades.

But I do think she's horny. I'd not say no. And knowing her, she'll bring condoms. So no, she's not a threat. Most likely just a willing and eager vessel. Works for me

Thanks Ben. I'm grateful you translated DMSI: the easier ones will come first. Makes total sense to me, as I feel whiny a lot, feeling sorry for myself over small inconveniences, and I know it's NOT sexually attractive.
And when I'm tired, it can be louder.

2 days ago, when I returned to the shop after a full day, the nice looking secretary said hello and asked me how I was. I said quickly and dishonestly "fine" without looking at her. Her "oh......ok" caught my attention since women pick up loads more than guys. She read me. I followed it quickly sharing something was on my mind, but I did not share. I've always liked it when people are honest with me, so I initiated it myself. Hiding takes a lot of work, in my experience. Admitting it was easier.

And changes are taking place. 4 loops are having an effect on me. I even realized I was dreaming when I woke up this morning. I am one who rarely remembers dreams, so this is significant to me.

Anyway, thank you for the translation.

Also Ben, I thought of your statement regarding E2 and sexual relationships today. You had admitted this before, and I remembered something I'd completely overlooked.

On E2's sales page, it has a specific focus on sexual healing. I had completely dismissed this--since I needed it and was terrified of the imagined pain. When I first read that in early 2017 I was stuck in analysis, so I agreed mentally that it was good. As more healing happened (E2, then UD), it began getting closer to home for me. Real close. Thank *** there's emotional shielding in E2, since I've desired to go back more each time I use it. The PTPA in E2 helps tremendously too, as do the self forgiveness modules. Forgiving myself has been my biggest sticking point. So, I could pick up E2 any day (post DMSI) and glean from it. And Shannon stated it is easier to use as time goes by--I think it trains us to appreciate being free from mental and emotional chains.

E2 is still one of the most effective emotional healing subs I've ever used. I'll vouch for that.

And thanks Zane. I'm unsure what'll come of this visit, and I've not worried about it.

I'll correct that point: I've not worried about seeing her. I've worried I'd not be "adequate", or see myself as adequate sexually. I've wanted (and have imagined lately) to be smooth with her, surprising her sexually if it happens. And from what I know of her, it'd be sex only. She's been very distant emotionally for years, except when it involves our daughter. She does not like to open her heart. That is where she's at.

And I've been reaching out to my daughter a few times each week. No reply. I'd toyed (enjoyed) the thought of causing her pain, via vengeance, if she gave some cold Father's Day salutation.

And this vengeful thinking........is all about me not getting MY needs met. I am HER parent. She's not mine. So I've been letting go of my unhealthy expectations that she do this. For hurting her, if even if only in my mind, hurts me. It hurts bigtime. So I've been dropping that hatchet. It's been killing me, and I DON'T like pain.

I'll look forward to any gifts or acknowledgements she gives. And not expect more. For I can only change me. Noone else. I can only change me.

How should I write? How should I feel?

I'm on B presently, even skipped last night. I have plans to go see my mom, but have built up such safeguards for myself (meaning distance) that I've not returned calls to her.

I've been feeling .....what may I call it....a fear of growing and changing????? No. It's actually a fear that I'll re-submit to old unhappy and painful "norms".

I'm unsure how this is all connected, so I'll just post it. Talked with my old sponsor yesterday about some touchy feely movies and shows he'd been looking at. He mentioned the golden buzzer off of America's Got Talent, saying a recent show had made him cry.

On B, it's like my vulnerabilities just hide. I pulled up AGT this last 2 hours for one reason: to cry. I did, even on little acts. I hate making proclamations on sh** I really don't know, but some part of me, even the sad parts, are real. I've identified more closely with them way before IML, but IML has definitely brought it out of me. I'm trying constantly to be somebody else so I'll be liked, and dammit, that's not me. It never was. The act of hiding, however, became a norm. Subs are, to me, a tool to break out of these lies.

I've been remembering just weeks back, right before DMSI, how I felt real and RELIEVED spilling some tears here and there on E2. Even at work. I thought of this these last 2 days at work, and I purposely focused on "what am I REALLY feeling?" I began a short cry yesterday while alone at work, and I need/am going to admit something which came up. I've hidden this time and time again, throwing it in sideways so I'd look "cool".

I kept going towards a helpless victim mindset, an "I want someone to save me" mentality. I thought of "Overcoming the Victim Mentality", both in 4G and in E2 (I own both), and I began repeating that title in my head, hoping to become aware of some old tape in my head. I lived in this mentality for many years, seeking a brother or mother figure to uplift me and validate me. And right now, I see I'm grieving a loss of that. Seriously, this used to be my emotional lifeline. It rarely worked, and for those who stuck around, some became resentful of my unspoken "need", which was loud.

Also, I'd like to share that I've been scared of the unknown changes that'll come about in DMSI. I did some reading on E2 and DMSI yesterday, and I am greatly attracted to E2's gentle approach vs. the forced march. I'm no hardass, I'm not overly aggressive. I'd rather weep honestly than fight fearfully. There is more in me than that, but it appears I've been stuck on some old memory or event growing up. I've thought this victim mindset must be me returning to some old norms, and clearing them might open up other doorways.

In short, being honest with me, I've been desiring the easiest way through this emotional stuff. And being honest again, I realize I'm trying to find reasons to jump onto E2. Shannon said we'd do this, I've been fantasizing about greener emotional grass, and I'm unsure (scared really) of a non-fruitful emotional healing on DMSI. Maybe it'll take some more time and experience on it. E2 seemed unfruitful for months with me, but it locks into my emotions quickly now. I've needed and desired that. Am I just daydreaming?

And an update on DMSI happenings. Not much, mostly since I've been more inclined to be alone (and be honest) vs. putting on faces around other people. That's why I'm resistant to going and seeing my mom today. In fact, I texted her yesterday about coming over since I was....yes, in a victim mindset.

Something did hit me yesterday, and again, it was while driving. I was tired as h***, on my way home from work, mad at the victim mindset but glad I was off work. A car came up to my left at a stoplight, I heard some sensual music playing in it, yet I didn't look. I felt this sexiness coming over me, I thought it may be a girl, so I finally looked. It was a cute brunette, and when I looked, she quickly looked over, showing she'd been waiting on me to notice. The light changed, so she had to move. I felt sexy, even on my scooter (really?). Really.

So, despite the mental s*** coming up, an aura is still present. I'm in a bit of a grieving state, feeling my feelings today. I've shamed myself endless times feeling this kind of thing. But something in me......is changing. I don't know where I'm going, and I wish I did. I am trying to be in touch with this truth inside of me.

I'd rather be honest with me than false with you. I need that now.

F***. Gotta go visit my mother. I see I've fallen into other's molds for me so often, maybe my "assumed" roles.

Who am I?

"Mom, I don't want to come over"

That would bring great relief saying or texting that. Feeling like s*** since I actually texted her last night asking if I could come over today. I do NOT want to for a very, very simple reason: I'd lie to myself and her sharing how I've been.

Why? Since she has no emotional tools to be real. The last half dozen times I've come over I'd be talking about real changes and desires coming up, and 2 or 3 times I began crying. She quickly was uncomfortable and said "let's not go there then". One time I stood up for myself, saying that YES, I DID need to go there.

It's almost always been a game of lying to her mostly and opening up slowly if she seemed accepting of it. I am just sick of believing that ALL women could not deal with real emotions. I realized while writing that that's exactly why I've pulled away from women. I've thought they'd put up a front which I'd be attracted to, but soon after the mask came down, and rejection of me would result. Well, f*** that!! I'd be a fool to trust someone I knew would hurt me soon enough. So, I've safeguarded my heart for YEARS. Decades even.

I do feel sh**** blowing my mom off. F***!! Am I going to go? Likely not. I'm kind of scared I'll be hurt if I hurt her.

This is lame (IMO), but I'm seeking imput here. I've bowed to this belief for years. I just can't bow today. What could I communicate to her? I'm trying to honor myself and not injure her. Shame is why I'm seeking help.

I actually texted my mom. I said I was having a bad day emotionally (I felt I inflated it some), so today I couldn't come over. I even apologized for doing this. She wasn't offended.

Truth: I still feel s*****, but she's not the reason.

I'd been off DMSI for a week, and I shared this in another thread. Shannon wrote in, sharing 2-4 loops may have not been enough. He said 7 was a number many have had breakthroughs with. So, a little hesitant fearing exhaustion, I jumped in. I've needed and desired change. I did 7 loops of hybrid flac 2 nights ago, 6/24/18.

None of this post, none at all, is about sex and women. However, what woman would desire a man acting like a little boy still needing his big brother/father figure full-time when he's in his mid-40's? This is changing my core.

I saw and felt a lot yesterday at work, nearly all day. I knew my major hangups pointed back to my brother while growing up, and I saw a habit clearly yesterday. A strange, beautiful coincidence, really.

I tried to work with one driver, but found out he felt creepy around me. I know I'd been emotionally needy around him, but it's been almost a year since I've ridden with him. But I felt rejected. Scared. Someone else had rejected me.

This meant I'd be with the one worker who's just mean. Doesn't talk. Any questions I throw out are answered like he's disgusted I asked him. I tried breaking through a year back, but his frustration rose accordingly. He's just miserable. And....I'm sitting here still feeling needy. Which brings on me feeling my own misery all alone.

Yesterday was a hot day, we'd lost a lot of time already, and I saw myself feeling angry and needing to blame someone. "I'll blame HIM!" I've worked with this driver almost once a week, so I knew I'd be rejected and dismissed. Well, at least in my mind. 95% of this is ALL in my head.

We'd began at 6AM, had not taken a break, and it was after 12 now, and I'm working in the sun. I was pissed. And from early on in the day, I'd been making him the reason I was miserable. I made up this image in my head of me battling with him about going to lunch soon. He'd waited until 3 one day, and I assumed he'd go as late as possible again.

I needed to blame, I needed to FEEL something (anger, anything).........it was (logical?) when with an irrational person, me reacting irrationally.

And then DMSI kicked in. I'd had all this anguish underneath, which I'd felt and intentionally ignored hours before. As soon as I allowed it, after non-success repeatedly, a deep sadness surfaced. The last time I felt such sadness was when I watched my father take his last breath on his hospice bed. 1992. I cried and shook on the back of our work truck riding through neighborhoods.

I just had to let it out. I'd held it in too long.

20 minutes later, my driver said we were going to lunch. So much for the "truth" in my head. (yes, me not being right about him being wrong annoyed me.)

Then, after lunch, I began having symptoms of overheating. I felt wobbly and lightheaded, ignored it for 30 minutes, and I finally spoke up to my driver. He told me to take a break in the truck while he picked up stuff. Maybe 15 minutes later, I had to puke. And the driver gave me some Gatorades saying I needed to replace what I'd lost. I didn't work anymore after that, which I thought I'd have to. He even gave me 3-4 bottles of his own Gatorade saying I needed to take care of myself.

My point is that I fought to keep my story straight in my head ("he's the bad guy!), and I was wrong. I've tried to stay in my misery, which is what I know....and it was continually, peacefully challenged.

Sitting here, still looking for known solutions, I realize the ONLY real solution I have to this self-inflicted misery is........to let it go. To stop fighting a war I lost ages ago. 7 loops is working.

I did 7 loops of A on US last night since I woke up about midnight the first night on hybrid, and I couldn't fall back asleep. I've never had this happen, but I never did so much (therapy) while sleeping. I did feel changes internally while in bed though. I think it's "waking up" stuff in me.

That's what I've been searching for. And though those ideas may seem romantic, I read yesterday a truth (which I wasn't looking for, AGAIN):

The truth will set you free, but it'll likely piss you off first.