Subliminal Talk

Something this sub does is ..... almost demand I take care of the needs I've avoided.

I have some laundry to do. Small stuff really.

I'm not talking about outside stuff really. I'm talking about loving myself and giving myself enough time and attention while I can.

It started with me looking for some piano videos on YT. I found one where the player was in an airport, playing to honor victims of some bombings overseas. It made me cry. I searched for others.....successfully. Music can be so powerful to me.

I got into the street flash mobs of professional orchestras, playing full pieces beautifully, choir and all.

I then got into the X-Factor/America's Got Talent Golden Buzzer clips with performers I'd seen before. I cried on each one.

I've felt "this isn't masculine/acceptable/something to be proud of"

And also......BULLS***! I am proud of myself!! I know 100 men who are too insecure to fully express what's in their hearts. Keeping it in keeps one SAFE, not SANE. Been there, done that, for YEARS. I've known I've had this inside me, and I'M LETTING IT OUT.

That's why I'm proud. I've stayed in sadness--using it as a crutch--and going through it is getting me OUT of it. Living in it is SAD. Feeling it IS NOT. I'm feeling it.

One moment at a time, DMSI is clearing me out and healing my understanding of myself. Thank you Shannon!

I can relate to Mat422 since he noticed he was tired every weekend. He realized that he was amping himself up for the workweek, and it hit him physically once he actually came off the rush.

I have noticed that myself this last month. I'll go through the work week with my regular thinking, and though I've wanted to slow down on the weekends, even basic obligations have had me exhausted come Monday morning. I've tried to keep the same pace even on the weekends, but it's been working against me.

Something in me is changing, and I'll credit DMSI here. Since I've started it, I've been visualizing setting up my YT ad business. I'm writing to focus on the inner game that's changing in me, as money isn't my main drive. I'm compelled more and more to take action on this. I bought this early March, began setting it up for 2 days, then fear held on to me. It's something that's easy, very inexpensive to run, and very effective. Something in me, though, was scared.

But I pulled various videos up in the package this weekend, still feeling fear of achieving this, but........the more I've been active in the training, the more I've considered running ads for this, that, anything really.

And visualizing this has kept my eyes open for other financial possibilities. Over the weekend, a credit repair woman I worked with 2 years ago shot out an ad for personal funding ($20-40K). Since the price was doable, I jumped on it. I looked up various opportunities I can use this money with too. It was a full weekend. So, in short, I'm taking action.

Also, I wanted to do some YT ad training, and I considered what I've been doing with the company I'm working for presently. I'm eligible for them to hire me as a full-time driver, I've submitted an application, I've heard this and that about them bringing me on...........and nothing. Like.......hurry up...and WAIT. I do not like this. It leaves all the power in their hands.

So, I took off today, knowing I can take some action, and I am. I'm listening to DMSI as I write. And when it's through, I'll resume the YT training videos.

I'm still attempting to keep my focus on the positive of why I'm doing this. My long time norm has been all fear related thinking, such as "you'll lose this if..." and lots of other (discouraging) thoughts. But.......freeing myself is something I want a LOT more now.

Lastly, and being honest, there's some grief coming with the changes. I felt it in my gut these last 5 minutes. I'll share that when I'm ready to.

Is it possible to say "Wow--I'm moving forward!" and "Something in me is sad over all this change"?

Well, I'm thinking and feeling both. The latter may be since my energy is fading some, allowing what I've ignored all day to surface.

I've been watching my training videos and implementing what I could, having learned years ago to learn first, then implement. I've done over 3 modules so far, and I'm into my 4th for today (module 5), and there are only 8. I've had old fallback fears rise: "this is too hard. You might fail. You're ignoring those around you....." Something in my mind is there, not violently fighting, but persuading those fears that they're not needed.

This is new.........but...I'm going ahead like....I've done this successfully before. I think that's Shannon's technology overriding my resistance. Thank you!

I'm still going back to it, having rested 15 minutes or so, since my laptop isn't streaming well enough for me to watch videos here.

About the sadness: I feel it....but I am unsure how much is real vs. it being something to detract from my goal. I'll finish the 5th module tonight though, as it's all about targeting audiences. I am in new territory, and I'm still going forward :-)

Frick.....healing and clearing is on. I've been slowly realizing how close I am to dropping into the "eternal abyss" of grieving old relationships, desires lost, and my own mistaken or damaging beliefs I've had about myself.

Here goes. I haven't had this planned out, but I've been desiring to return to the world I used to have with my daughter. I felt as young as she did, and I felt immune from the fear of failing. I imagined I was young, free, and safe to explore.

I've reached out to my daughter a few times this week on IG, but she never replies.

I began feeling angry tonight, I sent her a message, no reply, so in 15 minutes I texted my ex-wife (who I have a lot of hate towards). I asked if our daughter was around, saying (whining really) that she never replies back. My b**** ex said "maybe she's got trust issues. Maybe her therapist tells her to avoid.....(she didn't put my name).

I was ready to fight her since she is a 100% defender of her daughter, even if she shot someone. She's an ignorant parent. Very smart, but very ignorant of the family dynamics going on, that she creates.

I didn't want to talk about my ex. It's what she said that stuck with me. She said "maybe she doesn't trust you."

I am sitting here, in flashback mode. Around 5 years ago, while me and my wife were separated, I (alone) was involved heavily in a very effective marriage ministry I'd found online. They have an online forum, and I wrote almost daily for a year, sharing progress and failings I had with my wife. I shared, fighting change a lot, and one woman moderator was not intimidated by me in any way. She was an emotionally tough woman.

I'm mentioning her since one day I wrote "I'm not sure (my wife) trusts me ." She threw a merciful knockout punch which STUCK. She said:

"Truthfully, I don't think you even trust yourself".

She was right. I did NOT. And today, when my ex said that.......damn....I saw (see) myself still living this way.

I'm afraid I'll be successful since I think I'll sabotage it, meaning more pain.
I'm afraid I'll abandon myself, the little guy inside, if I grow up.
I'm afraid of anyone knowing me deeply, as I think I'll abandon them to keep them from hurting me (!).
I don't think I have what is needed to be MATURE. I always substituted silence for maturity....for noone knows my thoughts then. And people prefer maturity vs. manipulation. I was vewy vewy quiet on this.

I don't want to be honest and truthful.....for I insist on being validated by someone else--as I don't trust myself most of the time. I fear......failing once again.

And concerning women, I fear.......I'll fail. ! ! ! !

Growing up, I thought I could make my mom's life better, that I could make her happy. Her commitment to drinking did not allow any of this. I just felt like.....I'd failed. Like I couldn't earn her trust, her love, her adoration. Like......I'd just fail and always would. That I was a failure. I'd failed to secure her love, her good mood, and anything I really wanted or needed. I simply.....failed. I couldn't get her to love me.

That's heavy s***. I carry this huge, heavy, HIDDEN FEAR everywhere I go.

I'm holding back tears, but **** it, some are coming now. Been listening to my loop while writing.

EDIT: I still fear manipulating and lying to earn, or failing to earn, love. That was my norm growing up. The fear of failure, that regular occurence growing up, has sat with me. It's kept me......from even trying.

Reading ur situation reminds me of Davis (I think that's what his username is).. I do keep a close watch towards his journal as his situation is similar to your.... But It looks like his ex-wife is now having second thoughts.

The thing is of u become the man who is emotionally stable and mature then it won't take long for ur daughter to start contacting u or in touch with you.. Become a man u wanna be and one day ur daughter will be proud to introduced their friends or finance to u.

Healing is hitting ur hard and u r gonna come out stronger

I tried something different listening this morning. Borrowing someone's idea of waking up an hour earlier to start the loop and sleeping for another hour, I did just that. I feel it still running in my head, healing is happening (I feel it), so I am not all giddy about it. I am seeing (in my mind) a metal can, like a can of beans, but the top has been opened by an old can opener. It's been opened, but the lid is still on. I just have the choice of dumping it out, or taking the lid off to see what's inside. No rush, no fear, no plan.....no. Just a desire. I have desire to open it. Why would I want this? I know some pain will emerge.

If I question anything about my motives in this, it's about my desire for change. I'm trying to be honest (with myself). Motivation has always--mostly--come from other's acceptance or lack of it. Me relying on myself, as I posted in an earlier post, is new to me.

I'll not dig through that baggage here. I realized I'm seeking someone's direction again. A brother. A friend. I felt sad writing that, so that's being worked on.

I'm sharing this for me. The realization, the belief that my brother raping me was "love" is being checked. I've done some sexual abuse healing, digging, and reading, and that is a very common mis-understanding since ....why would someone who loved me do this? I've thought "oh, it was love".

Thank you for DMSI. I wouldn't have wanted to look into this myself. It makes me question everything about myself--my sexuality, motivations, all of it. I'm glad I have some "medicine" for it.

Unexpected: tears came. Been holding this in since my early teens. Over 30 years.

Interesting about listening to it while in theta state

Thanks Adrien. I was thrown by the awarenesses I had, and well, I'm listening now after getting off work, in the evening.

I'm feeling fear right now. No, I've been feeling pangs of fear--followed by a hint of hope--listening lately.

I've considered being honest, like without bulls*** or any other "covers". I'm not writing now about strong sexual urges (very few), fapping, or plans to go hunt women.

I'm realizing I've been hiding and lying again--from me. I've had those fear pangs since I've considered being honest around coworkers. BUT my fear isn't because of them. I've lied to me. I had this experience on Universal Detox. I treasured it once I got into it.

I'm crying to myself right now since I hurt me hiding out from me. I'm becoming strangely aware of the bulls*** masks I've been pulling up again. The masks aren't masks to attract attention. No, being honest would attract enough on its own. My masks beg me to say to the world "I'm fine. I DON'T WANT YOU OR NEED YOU." Maybe that's why I hurt; I'm pushing away people I love or would like to know better, both men and women. I am isolating myself with this BS cover.

For one, I've been becoming aware of resentments to my mom and older mother figures. I find young mothers hot lately, but a controlling personality really disgusts me. I realized this since one woman (mid-50s?) I've been doing business with online for a while, and I don't trust her. My anger (now) is out of place, and in my head (mostly) I've been seeking out bad traits of hers to validate this. F*** it sounds like a really f***ed up movie. I'll be fine, but my bad mood is stewing when I'm in a chat with her. My mask will shame me for thinking badly of her, I'll feel small for a moment.......yet my anger's been building steadily. I'm both scared I'll hurt or alienate her AND angry since she's in my s*** sometimes. I really try NOT to think about this most of the time, but DMSI is stewing something in me I am unaware of. It's not "BAD, BAD, BAD!" It's just uncomfortable for me.

And me fighting all this supressed emotion is tiring me out emotionally. Like someone at work is all panicked over something needing done, and I really DGAF. I'm thinking "SHUT UP!" as he wants someone to join him in his fear reaction. I've pretty unattached emotionally from the drama BS I see, even to where I've been seeking some comic relief in the middle of it. I did this today with this reactive coworker. But.......I think he wanted to be afraid. He then badmouthed the boss, the workplace, and anyone who he felt crossed by. Oh well, I don't care (wow, I don't).

I'm home being honest with me, as much as I can be now. I'm tired of venting. I'll write later.

Man, I'm so happy for you the subliminal works healing you. I feel I need the same but still, I've got 32 days of SM3 listening.

Please, share with us your subliminal routine. How do you use it?

(05-18-2018, 07:41 PM)Voytek Wrote: [ -> ]Please, share with us your subliminal routine. How do you use it?

I listened one morning, but since I've only been getting 6-7 hours of sleep, I decided to stay with listening after work or once I'm in bed. It's just over an hour, and I've been using it to wind down after work.

Resistance has been surfacing though, and unfortunately, it's not like I feel major bouts of depression, anger, or whatnot. It's like my mind is trying to get me to focus on other subs which feel good. I put on MLS last night an hour after running DMSI. I know, I know about clashing scripting. This is why I'm mentioning it since I've never had such unemotional leadings to switch subs. Shannon said our minds would very creative in how we validated our beliefs to derail it. He said our beliefs would be "very believable".

Last night, while listening to MLS, I realized I was thinking and feeling things sexually I've never thought of, things I've been afraid of. I am completely unaware where I'm going. I feel now a mixture of fear, sadness, and excitement.

I will add this, for me. I jumped on MLS last night since I desired some of the unemotional focus which in even the short amount of time I used it months back, I achieved. I was on the sales page, and I like how MLS is very specific in its stated sub-goals. I'll go on the DMSI page, for I don't recall as many specific outcomes. But knowing what to expect was what held me to it last night.

This is my day off DMSI.

I'll share this too. My mind's been discounting DMSI's effectiveness since "it's only ONE loop". Seriously. Other subs have more loops, so as I'm listening to any other IML sub, its message is being repeated and repeated, reinforcing its message to me, both consciously and subconsciously.

I've been thinking that for a couple of days now.

Sex and thoughts of sex have always been very emotional. Which is why I've avoided sex and sexual relationships most of my life. But I found this on the sales page:

Goal #4: To get you past any and all self sabotage and resistance to fully accepting, acting on, acting out and experiencing the goals of this program. This program uses a number of very advanced methods to achieve this goal, but there is no guarantee that you can not still self sabotage or resist it if you have enough conscious or subconscious fear of achieving the goals for some reason. However, the program is designed to overcome fear based self sabotage and resistance over time and transform it into acceptance and success achieving the goals of the program. If you self sabotage or resist out of fear, observe your progress every month for 3 months before deciding whether or not you believe this program is getting past any resistance you may have. As of V2.2, this now includes self healing, self regenerating, self forgiveness, forgiveness of others, and letting go of and overcoming past traumas that would otherwise prevent success in A side. As of V2.4, much more heavily, aggressively and specifically focused on the achieving the goals of the program. As of V2.5, made even more effective against most types of resistance. As of 3.0, 3.1 and 3.2, made significantly more effective against resistance and self sabotage.


I'll sit on this. It's my day off, so I'll use it wisely.

I feel like hiding today. I f****** up, and I'm beating the s*** out of myself.

It's like I've done this before. I've sabotaged myself here, hoping to find something familiar. I feel ashamed, but it's old shame surfacing. Again, I went looking for something I could recognize. I am not proud.

What is "familiar" for me?

Staying in my s***. It's the most miserable place, tbh. I avoided/steered clear of change, I went to my "norm", and I'm not happy here.

I keep trying to find a "happy place", but it's not working. I even go to subs seeking that feeling, and when I feel scared of what I'm feeling, I usually hide. I feel like I'm bringing pain on myself, so I judge myself heavily. And seeking others out is so glued to me putting on fronts. GD exhausting. So, I hide.

I was on mat422's thread this morning, and he uttered words I could so identify with. Like I can't be me, I have to make my mask seem perfect......but on A my BS is in the spotlight (to myself) so I judge the hell out of myself. I'll get through this. I'm just venting hoping I'll be honest with myself eventually. F***!!!!