Subliminal Talk

So it seems using these other things on the goal of what i'm working on, either abandonment or things around girls like wanting their approval and such, it's been fine and gone along with DMSI.

Then last night I applied one thing i've been doing in the hope of getting more motivation for my business.

And today I have this feeling something was derailed with DMSI, I kind of just know as i've had this before when I was doing EFT.

Strangely though i'm feeling pretty good and calm today, but less motivation to work on the abandonment.. so it helped me realize DMSI WAS hyperfocusing me on it to work on it as much as possible.

So lesson learnt, for now atleast keep the focus on the subject of abandonment and things around the DMSI goal.

The other thing is I thought it has been nearly a month since it ended with the girl I was seeing, well when I deleted the messages the last message from her was 2 weeks ago. Damn it's felt like a LONG 2 weeks. I was thinking before that it's nearly been a month maybe it's time to see girls again.

The main issue is that when i'm with a girl the abandonment feelings are covered up temporarily. So to most effectively work on them it's best not to be with them for a while longer.

But at some stage being with girls again will bring up more stuff, like how when it ended with this one the abandonment and intense rejection feelings come up strongly like it was DMSI showing it to me.

The other thing is today i'm getting more urge to be with girls again, but it doesn't seem from a desperation standpoint as much. I can't say whether its that I interrupted DMSI working on the thing around business motivation, or that it was possibly what I did around the last 2 girls I was seeing who I just couldn't stop thinking about. Somethings a little different.

The first one makes more sense because today it feels like "It's ok, I don't need to work on it I can be with girls again". But looking at it logically I know that isn't true as it doesn't just change in a day all of a sudden like that.

Funny.. so I spent weeks not being able to stop thinking about the girl I was seeing before and I mentioned a few nights ago I did some work around it and cleared something then deleted her number and her messages.

And I felt better about it though there's a little 'something' left.

Well today I went down the street to do some things and I decided to goto a cafe to read a book I got printed. I was in my own world but after a bit I recognized a voice, it sounded exactly like her friend, then I heard her voice.. turns out they had come in and were sitting behind me.

I felt a little weird but kept reading, the main feeling was not wanting to reconnect with her and not caring as much. But some conflict as I noticed my vision and head constricted a little.

When I left I was like "are you wagging work to have coffee?" and I didn't have the desire to stay there so I just said "Have fun" and left and my heart was beating faster and I was in an altered state.

The thing I was surprised about though there was some residual emotions I didn't have any kind of 'pull' towards her, no need to 'sort things out' or 'tell her she's retarded' which are all things I wanted to do for weeks.

But honestly it can't be a coincidence stuff like this happening. I genuinely went there just to read because when i'm at home I get distracted, and there she is especially on a day I would have expected her to be at work.

It both gave me some relief and showed some residual stuff that I can work on around her because i'm not totally over it by the reaction I had.

Tested for Volume with the sway test again, and now...

Monday 31/7/17 - Started doing Volume of 8 on Version A.

It's getting deeper. I posted in detail in my offline journal but I won't go into as much detail here about this.

But a few other deep core wounded emotions are coming up, and I can see how they are all connected to similar things. A couple more come up today intensely

Well I realized that i'm holding onto these core wounded emotions at a deep level.. projecting it out, filtering and perceiving the world through them without even being aware of it until now. And it's no wonder i've had the issues i've had, felt the ways I have and responded the way I have to things with those running the majority of the time.

Occasionally i'll briefly have a time when they aren't 'active' and that way of being in the world is completely different. Then fear or something comes up or the wounded feelings come back because they are still there on a deeper level and it doesn't last.

These feelings i've pushed down and ignored, but they have still been operating and now i'm starting to bring them to awareness, notice how in the moment it's causing me to see things and start to allow myself to feel them and make peace with them.

Yeah.. so I expected all these crazy sex stories and stuff from DMSI, I didn't expect it to get to this.

But at this point I think it shows that it's gone deeper than anything else, even though i'm bringing in Inner Bonding and other things to work on these emotions I don't think I would have got to them without DMSI.

Today when I woke up I felt fatigued, like i'd done alot of work or something. Drained and not wanting to get up.

It has to be the things I processed yesterday, I may have overdone it a little as I went back to it a third time to deal with more of the feelings. Feeling a little tired, my heads feeling a bit weird, but it's not too bad really.

Also this feeling of calmness. And I feel myself expressing with less of those wounded feelings.

I think also I need to observe when I might be overdoing it, as it makes sense it's similar to the gym and not to overdo confronting these things in any one day.

Today I feel drained and like I should do a little less.. but then the other thing is sometimes that is 'resistance' to facing it.

Started a different Inner Child Meditation last night, and still doing the original one in the morning. After I did it last night I was laying there feeling joy. It seems pretty powerful. It was all about letting your Inner Child express everything without you interrupting and after it I felt so good like "Wow.. I really needed to express those things and get it out."

Went to the gym, everything just was good.. talked to almost everyone more than usual. Flirted with one girl without caring if I 'got' anything from her.

And I just enjoyed people. The best way to explain it was just me being 'normal' but without those deep wounded feelings I mentioned I was filtering the world through. I noticed 'rejection' come up briefly but I identified it and said to myself "ok the feeling of rejection is coming up" told myself that I can't control how others respond only how I do and allowed myself to feel it and it passed. These are the things i'm learning at the moment and it's valuable, especially starting to be able to use it in the moment.. though sometimes I forget about it totally and default to old patterns.

And I left and after it I felt everything was good.. and I was like "Yes.. i'm finally getting it, i've solved it". And I felt like I didn't need girls anymore and it was ok. Not in the way of giving them up, but not the same 'need'.

But.. almost every time i've had that thought in the past then I have a big upheaval after it.

And tonight the feelings come back in force, wanting a girl, feeling like crap, and feeling like a girl would make me feel better. I briefly considered being with girls again and realized it's only been 3 weeks.

Then I went and browsed a few dating sites and alot of anger come up that I thought I had dealt with, and some pretty harsh thoughts running through my head.

Definately totally different than earlier today.

It seems that interacting with them knowing i'm not wanting to be with girls at the moment it's flowing naturally.. though until today that wasn't really happening and then when I looked at dating profiles with the thought of being with them that's what brought up the emotions more.

At the moment going to the one extreme is fine to heal, but eventually it also requires taking mascuilne action to move it forward with them when I feel ready to again.. and that brings up fears and old rejections and such, but that's part of the core feelings i'm working on I guess.

Also i've noticed a weird tendency that at the moment i've been judging myself for wanting girls, for the natural response of wanting to move towards them like I feel shame and guilt about that.. and I don't want to create more of that by stopping myself doing so. I think I realized that last night and decided to stop judging myself for that and be okay with it and it ended up today with more flirting and stuff.

So if it makes sense, basically I want to allow that natural 'pull' to happen and me follow it and talk to them, flirt with them or whatever but in the end not have the NEED to take it anywhere, I can just choose to in the moment if i'm feeling it or not and be okay either way. That is the place to reach when I decide it's time to go for it again.

But so much for thinking earlier today "I don't need girls anymore, I can do this easily" then tonight it all come back in force.

The main practice at the moment is learning to be mindful of when it comes up and allowing it to just be there. At times it's got pretty strong when i've been allowing myself to dig into it at home and I notice alot of the deep wounded feelings feel very similar in my body and that I also brace in places against it like my forehead tightens up or my shoulders or my upper body and makes me want to rock back and forwards but tonight I realized it was bracing against it.

And learning to just embrace all those feelings i've pushed down.. it seems sometimes they are endless but each time I really take the time to do this I feel better.

It's not exactly 'fun' but willingly doing this, opening up to it and facing it is different..

In Inner Bonding they say that suffering is when you're feeling these things, trying to push it down, ignore it, use addictions to numb it, running away, whatever.. that is suffering and you're stuck.

But consciously facing it.. turning into it.. though it's not the most fun thing to do.. it's different than suffering. It's empowering. I had the thought earlier that doing this with these strong emotions is showing me that I can handle things when they come up instead of running away, hiding or turning to something to numb it and I believe that will be valuable in the moment too.

DMSI is the rabbit hole it seems.

Cheers on your courage to face what is needed, Benjamin, rather than hiding from it and hoping it to go away without any intervention from your part.

Thanks man.. i'm glad I got to the point of being able to do so because it took me a long time to realize.

If anyone identifies with the things i've been posting recently then you need to watch this, I know it goes for an hour and 20 minutes... but it's awesome, I just finished watching it.

I've been feeling a little strange today. Yesterday I did a deep process of integrating certain things around feelings of rejection and woke up feeling a little drained.

And I felt like the aura had gone a bit again, I was feeling kind of more neutral. Like I wasn't feeling powerful and magnetic or that the aura was there. I just felt calm.

Initially I couldn't be bothered talking to people at a market I went to, then I relaxed and started talking to the stall people, a few girls just calmly.. and one who I see at every market who I always avoided for some reason as I was intimidated and it just felt like there was a shield around her or something.. I walked past her today and she looked at me and I naturally went back a few minutes later and briefly talked to her. Nothing special, it didn't really feel 'on' or anything, but it was more like me just being 'normal' without that feeling of her being untochable as before.

Also though i'm working on being mindful of what is coming up during the day, aswell as when i'm around girls I was struggling to find much. With some girls I noticed a little constriction in a few places just subtly and I was allowing myself to feel that.

But I just kind of felt confused, not really knowing what was going on internally.

Initially I felt like I had derailed DMSI with this other thing I did, and I did some sway testing which suggested that I felt weird because I had released something, and as I realized a while ago sometimes when I release something I feel kind of 'wrong' because i'm so used to it being there.

Also the other thing is it may partly be to some 'bounceback' that happens sometimes even with past programs where i'll suddenly have this breakthrough and totally feel good enough or something then the next day it will 'bounceback' and new fear or such will come up and derail it.

I nearly forgot about this, but last night in bed I was thinking about this 19yo on POF who i'd talked to briefly a while ago but was incredibly boring. Well I see she changed her profile to "looking for friends with benefits" which got me interested again, so i'll likely talk to her when I decide to be with girls again.

Well I was laying there thinking about her and all of a sudden I felt a realization of "What does she really have to offer?".

I have things to offer like fun, knowing how to touch her, lots of good insight into the things i'm learning at the moment and such.. and what does she have to offer me? Basically just her pussy.

And I felt like "Yes, I do have alot to offer" in a moment of clarity.

Then today bounceback from that due to fear or something coming up.

Just had a realization after wondering why my motivation to do this work i've been doing is lessening.

And I realized today that as i'm feeling less in pain, my motivation to do it is lessening. Where when I was in pain it there was a strong drive to get away from that pain, so my main motivation of doing it was initially to get away from that pain, to just feel better.. I even remember that thought of when it ended with that girl of "I don't care anymore, I just want to feel better".

So what i'd like to do now, which i'm not totally sure how to. Is to move from "doing it to get away from pain" to "moving towards wholeness."

Today I was feeling relatively calm, but when I tuned into myself I noticed a certain sadness behind my eyes. But different than before, not overwhelming or anything or as intense as it usually is, not a sadness that shuts me down as usual.. My feeling says it's not as much sadness as grieving something. Hmm.

Realized through dialoguing before that i'm overwhelming myself a little, i've been very focused on facing these emotions and doing this work i've been doing and some days i've done quite alot.

Today I noticed i've been feeling a little depressed and overwhelmed. And I realized through dialoguing that i've been so focused on it I haven't really given myself time to 'play'.

Not as in play pc games or something as i've done a little.. but something like drawing and to just do it to play and not care about how it comes out.

At the moment I have this urge to push and do more work today, but I also know it's better to relax it a little so I don't overwhelm myself and be like "fuck this". Also thinking about doing more today my head kind of just hurts, so another good sign to relax it a bit.

So tomorrow i'm going to take some time to just relax and 'play'.

It's the same thing I have in many areas, I always think I have to do more and more and that what i've done is never enough. In reality i'm doing some good work daily and spending a good amount of time on it. But I don't seem to be able to allow myself to see that and i'm just like "I want more and more, I just have to achieve a result".

A learning about judgement that come up yesterday.

A guy at the gym I was kind of friends with i've been pissed off with because he's been weird with me, especially when he come in with a girl. And yesterday he come in and talked to a girl and I realized I was judging it a bit, and that he was annoying me so much because i'm seeing some of myself in him. Like when he come in with that girl he was weird with me, acting pissed off at something but then would talk to her all nice and politely because she's a girl and he's interested in her. But I realized 'that's what I have done in the past' and that I was judging him yesterday because he talks to alot of younger girls in the gym.. well I do the same.

Anyway I talked to a girl who I like for some reason though we haven't really 'connected'. I just want her. I noticed the feelings of 'needing' girls come up alot yesterday, especially with her.

Well I talked to her, felt a bit weird about it and I looked up and he was there talking to this other girl and they were both staring at me and she was laughing.

And instantly I shut down a little because I automatically think they are laughing at me and judging me for talking to her.

And a moment later I realize that's just a judgement I'M making, and it's due to past experiences of getting picked on all the time at school, so when i'm around people who are laughing the automatic response is to think they are laughing at me. When most of the time that isn't true at all. Unfortunately the same response when girls giggle near me, which is a sign of attraction but at the feeling level I think they are picking on me.

I explored it and why did this shut me down? Because i'm judging MYSELF.. for the desire towards this girl, for talking to her and such and i'm projecting it to these other people aswell as judging that guy for the same thing i'm doing.

If I wasn't judging myself then it wouldn't really matter if they were or not, i'd just go with my expression and be comfortable with it.

So I did some exploration around that today. Yet again one of the core wounded emotions i'm holding onto being projected onto situations.

I woke up last night really pissed off at this dude, like he's gone from a friend to when i've seen him recently being a fuckhead, and even giving me shit in front of this girl he come in with.. and that was the most he talked to me that day.

When I woke up I realized "I get it now.. basically i'm his competition". It hasn't come up before in the few years i've known him and I hadn't seen him for a long time until recently. I didn't really know him to talk to that many girls but it seems he is now.. and i'm some kind of threat because i'm his competition. Suddenly the behaviour makes sense.

That plus alot of the way he is acting reminds me of myself and my patterns which is partly why it's pissing me off so much I think. And my judgements towards him mirror my own judgements towards myself.

Happy Birthday!

Happy belated, man! Didn't know til today, but you and my mom share birthdays...just a half world apart, haha. Hope it was a good one.