Subliminal Talk

Oh I think I just realized why I feel a little retarded talking to this woman.

Its because she doesnt inspire me. I dont feel drawn to her. I dont give a fuck at all nor am I curious about her.

All it is that she messaged me so maybe I can get some.. past that I have no interest.

So its just me trying to force it. Even today I admitted to myself "If I see this girl who messaged me its just for her vagina'. Where the others ive been talking to im interested in for other things too. And thats where I enjoy things more and dont have to force it awkwardly.

This is kind of how I get after not having sex for a while. Though this time up until a week or so ago I chose not to.

I'm not too great with women or anything but I get this. It's like the more that's cleared the standards shoot up more. And I also feel a lot less guilty about not giving a crap.

It's a bit like going out or staying in for the night when friends invite you. You go if you want to, you don't if you don't.

Well that has happened yeah. I guess I just nearly fell into the old pattern. I was a bit shocked though how fast that brought on old feelings, like almost instantly. But atleast one thing it did is make me choose not to see her after I asked and realized how it made me feel.

So standards are up in general.. but theres still something there that tries to drag me back after not being with a girl for a while.

Weird.

So at one point on 3.1 I decided to stop having protein shakes every day and mainly would just have them on gym days.

Now that i've stopped today on my day off I had one again and have the urge to again.

Obviously DMSI lead me to that, but I don't think it was a positive thing in that i'm definately not as muscular since before DMSI. So it makes me wonder if it was potentially beneficial or it might have been a reversal type response.

During E2 I lost alot of motivation for the gym, got some back on DMSI. But one negative of emotional healing is it seems to have affected my drive at the gym as it was possibly coming from insecurity. I've had this thought a few times in the last year or so, but I haven't been able to manage to get it back for other reasons. I'm still going because of force of habit and the benefits, but it's annoying not having that drive like I did.

The other negative is looking at photos of myself I seem to look older compared to before which isn't a good thing.

Interesting. E2 and DMSI took me away from red pill kind of stuff. But today after a week off i'm interested in it again, mainly the parts on masculinity.

Then weirdly when I started reading it I started to feel depressed again. Mainly around how society is attacking masculinity and such, I didn't really read the more anger filled articles.

Weird. Brings up the urge for AM again, I feel like all the healing and such has taken me away from that direction of masculinity and sensitized me a bit. I wonder how AM6 would go now with the healing i've done and the other things i've dealt with around abandonment.

Though i'm really still working on it so it may not be the best time yet as there is definately the deeper stuff hanging around, though it has improved.

So likely Universal Detox will be next. I was having an easy time having a break and didn't care until last night the urge to really start something else come up. I'll probably wait a little longer though.

And i'm still doing this other healing method combining some mindfulness and energy healing to get trauma and other things out of the body, which would confict with AM way more, but with UD it would work in a synergistic way.

Even the other stuff I was doing around learning to feel whole in myself and such seemed to go a little against DMSI which continually would push me to be obsessed about meeting girls everywhere, but atleast it did lead me to start to do that healing.

Running an old tech 6-month program doesn't seem prudent at this point. I think you'd stick with it, but I keep seeing people start AM then see another "more enticing" program get built, and they jump ship 'cuz they don't have the patience to finish.

I think good call on UD...but, I may be biased b/c I wanna run UD, too!

It's mainly because of the subject matter of AM at this point, and i'd likely try the refresher stage because I don't think I can go through the pedanticness of having to make sure I keep every Stage the exact same amount of listening for 32 days and all that. Especially after doing AM for a year.

UD is probably the best step forward to continue healing those issues I started focusing on the last few months. But what I really need to work on to move forward in life is to earn more money, so it's a tossup between a bit longer on healing with UD because those issues are still kind of 'fresh' and not totally solved. But I just feel like i've been in one place for so long just focusing on healing and feeling like i'll never see the end of it.

Another sidenote, today I noticed my desire to build more muscle again. I haven't had that for ages. On DMSI I kind of didn't care much, was complacent, still went to the gym but not much drive, didn't care about building more muscle. Like with protein shakes it makes me wonder if it was a potential reversal response, because generally more muscular means more attractive. Of course to a certain point, i'm not talking about freak level.. but in general it does.

It feels like programs with healing put me in a state like that where there isn't exactly forward 'growth' whether it be the gym, money or whatever.. but just internal stuff happening, and like E2 getting off DMSI things are possibly reawakening.

But the theory is after proper healing things can take off way better without the baggage. But I fear going and doing UD now.. it will just have me being stuck in place again for 3-6 months.

Thinking about it more, UD may have more benefits in the long term. Of course there's the emotional stuff i've been working on.

But also an issue with candida that's annoyed me for years. I've pretty much got it under control, but it pops up every now and then to annoy me. Itchy ears, itchy red spots in my beard recently.

I also believe it's one thing that affects my energy negatively, and it may be responsible for some of my cloudy and light headedness. Though I also realized the cloudy head was related to trauma because it's got better since I was on E2 and was doing TRE and Somatic Experiencing, and it come up directly during those sessions at times.

And I feel it's also been strangling my sex drive a bit. During DMSI i've noticed it come up a couple of times, but never consistent and nowhere near as strong as it used to be.

So maybe i've adjusted to it and I don't notice it makes me feel shit and i'm used to a kind of low level of energy. So it feels 'normal' but isn't ideal at all, especially since i'm eating the healthiest I have in my life and how fit I am. And for this issue doctors are incredibly useless, one suggested antibiotics. But taking antibiotics for other things made the candida worse every time.

I'm mainly trying to analyze this in my head, UD vs working on money.

Seems UD would be more beneficial in the long term though it will delay movement in the area I need mostly to move forward.

It's mainly the uncertainty that gets me. And fear of investing another large chunk of time into something that doesn't get me where I want.