Subliminal Talk

Seems the work on the trauma I mentioned continued last night, usually it's only 1 night this stuff happens then doesn't for a while.

Had this disturbing dream where I was driving a truck down a road and for some reason there was a dead puppy someone run over and I seen it and instantly felt sad and thought of my puppy. Then there was a few others up the road and a big group of dogs that had fallen off a truck or something and I was pressing the brakes but the truck wasn't stopping properly but I managed to avoid them.

Then my dad was in the truck and we were going down the road in the dark and he was telling me to slow down but my leg wouldn't work, I couldn't move it and we got to the edge of a hill and I was scared the truck was going to fall off, eventually I managed to move my leg with my hands and put it on the break and I woke up to my leg jumping kind of like in fear and it startled me awake.

No idea what it means, or how it's related to anything.. but either when I woke up or later on I started thinking of when I was attacked again and some fear come up and I just allowed it to be there in my body.

Todays general feeling...

"Fuck this I give up".

I felt unable to really center myself and even had the urge to go down the street to look for girls after working out. I walked around a little bit then got annoyed there wasn't much going on. Same old pattern.

Now that i'm home the general thought is "I can't be happy without girls, it's not possible, all this work i've been doing daily isn't helping that much."

And it's disturbing me how the baseline I felt I had seems gone, talked to a girl I usually do and it just felt lame and boring and was getting frustrated at that after.

Then walking down the street when I started to center myself I seen a girl when I looked in a window of a shop walking out towards me with a massive smile, I was thinking "who's that" but just reflexively kept walking like an idiot.

Great.. same old shit, no progress. I should just give up trying to find this inside myself because it's not fucking working.

Those are all the thoughts i'm having.

Still i'll do Inner Bonding today and continue the work.. but fuck, where's the results. And say I gave up working on this it's not like I could go and get heaps of girls anyway. Alot of doubts about my attractiveness today and feeling like i'm boring and my interactions are just 'friend' type interactions.

DMSI is similar to E2 in that for some reason I had the urge to have less protein shakes. Well last week sometime I had one and felt a bit sick and had brainfog then I decided to stop having them on my off days in the afternoon.

Then I noticed for a few days coffee made me feel sick and gave me brain fog which it hasn't before. One possibility is that I started taking bentonite clay to detox and somehow it made me more sensitive.

For a few days I thought of doing so, and the feeling after coffee sunday was bad enough I decided I was giving it up. Yesterday was okay I just had an extra matcha tea.

Well today i'm sitting here and feeling like I didn't know what to do with myself, and more "I want to be with girls to feel better" come up. And I just stayed with that and it seemed to relax.

Then wanting coffee come up and I was just feeling like crap, and I gave in. I was like "Well I can't give up all these addictions at once, especially when i'm working on my biggest addiction.. addiction to girls and sex to make me feel better". Then "coffee is my only comfort at the moment, I have to have it" and went to make one.

Rationalizations.. yes most likely. But trying to deal with the big issue and not turn to girls for a while AND trying to give up coffee, seems that's a bit much of a combination right now.

Because I was feeling that I had to have SOMETHING otherwise I was just going to go mental. I feel alot better now drinking one, but I know.. it's only temporary. There's some emotional connection to the coffee, I also was pushed to give it up on E2 and went down from 2 a day to 1 which i'm still having and feel better for just 1 a day. Ideally i'd have none.

In general though I feel way better than yesterday. Reading some of John Cooper's book again helped last night.

EDIT: Fuck, now as soon as i've finished my coffee all of a sudden i'm wanting something else to 'fill me up' and make me feel better and my head feels slightly weird. Damn, how convincing the brain is.

I can SOOOO relate to the two above posts, oy. I use cigarettes instead of coffee, though. Worse.

I'm glad I never got into cigarettes, or drugs, or alcohol. I just never cared. But my addiction was food, and coffee haha though not like 8 a day like some people. And evidently addiction to approval, sex and girls for similar reasons that i'm just discovering.

Then I get another 'hit' like yesterday with the coffee, felt good while drinking it and felt like shit again instantly when I finished it. I'll have to keep that in mind for later today, but honestly I can't say if i'll be able to NOT drink it today.

How long have you smoked for?

Started when I was 12 (peer pressure, bad school ), stopped when I was 15, then started up again when I was 18, so I guess, give or take, 15 years. And it's not an occasional thing, unfortunately, but pretty much chainsmoking if I don't watch it.

On the positive side of things, I now actually want to quit - never really bothered thinking about doing that before DMSI, to be honest.

Used to binge-drink too. Been a bit of a barfly. Got bored of being that way when I was 24-25. Never got into drugs, either, though.

Food, too - I do have a tendency for emotional eating, but it is easier to keep under wraps. F. in. I haven't had any issues with overeating for pretty much 5 years prior to trying to self-sabotage myself when using the earlier versions of DMSI.

Good thing I'm built to last and the damage is not irreparable

(07-25-2017, 04:31 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]I'm glad I never got into cigarettes, or drugs, or alcohol. I just never cared. But my addiction was food, and coffee haha though not like 8 a day like some people. And evidently addiction to approval, sex and girls for similar reasons that i'm just discovering.

Then I get another 'hit' like yesterday with the coffee, felt good while drinking it and felt like shit again instantly when I finished it. I'll have to keep that in mind for later today, but honestly I can't say if i'll be able to NOT drink it today.

How long have you smoked for?

You're alright with the coffee, Ben. I know you're proud of your 1 cup/day, but studies actually show the more you drink - up to 5-6 cups (6 oz "cups"), the more years you'll add to your life. It's something like 12% on average for men, 16% for women. It's also the #1 source of antioxidants in the Western diet (maybe even the Down Under diet? ), lengthens telomeres (an indicator of longevity), lowers risk for Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, depression, diabetes, and liver issues (good for those ppl at AA meetings who drink coffee, I guess!)

(07-25-2017, 08:05 PM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-25-2017, 04:31 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]I'm glad I never got into cigarettes, or drugs, or alcohol. I just never cared. But my addiction was food, and coffee haha though not like 8 a day like some people. And evidently addiction to approval, sex and girls for similar reasons that i'm just discovering.

Then I get another 'hit' like yesterday with the coffee, felt good while drinking it and felt like shit again instantly when I finished it. I'll have to keep that in mind for later today, but honestly I can't say if i'll be able to NOT drink it today.

How long have you smoked for?

You're alright with the coffee, Ben. I know you're proud of your 1 cup/day, but studies actually show the more you drink - up to 5-6 cups (6 oz "cups"), the more years you'll add to your life. It's something like 12% on average for men, 16% for women. It's also the #1 source of antioxidants in the Western diet (maybe even the Down Under diet? ), lengthens telomeres (an indicator of longevity), lowers risk for Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, depression, diabetes, and liver issues (good for those ppl at AA meetings who drink coffee, I guess!)

Those of us drinking coffee at AA meetings can't undo the damage of alcohol by simply drinking coffee XDDDD

and rtboss, your fact stating isn't making it any easier for those of us hooked on 5 cups a day any easier

Quote:On the positive side of things, I now actually want to quit - never really bothered thinking about doing that before DMSI, to be honest.

Interesting, guess it shows that alot of it is emotional driven. The peer pressure thing is what alot of people who smoke have told me.

Quote:You're alright with the coffee, Ben.

I can't say I agree with those studies. I feel way better having just 1 less coffee than before. And the people I see who have like 6 coffees are usually pretty unhealthy, rely on it just to function and such.. which doesn't strike me as healthy at all.

I see things subtly shifting. I'm noticing i'm feeling better and the urge to chase girls and such is lessening and i'm feeling more calm and centered when by myself.

But I admit when I go out in public or to the gym, though I have the intent to interact without wanting anything it still comes up. Girls are reacting worse at the moment, but the thing is part of the work i'm doing is learning to fulfill myself so that I don't care about that.. easier said than done.

The good thing is now i'm not sitting around like "Fuck I have to have a girl or sex right now to feel good about myself". Though i'm still thinking about girls alot. I also identified that though I started with the intent to deal with it to feel good about myself due to frustration that a little bit of "Hurry up I just want results, I just want to do this to get results with girls" and i've had to work to shift my intent to "Learning to love and fulfill myself".

I feel like the aura is gone a fair bit, some of that may be due to me doing other things like Inner Bonding and another method that is all about feeling and confronting your inner wounds and the part of you that is feeling it. But i'm accepting that seeing my priority is the healing and these things are helping with that.

One conflict in my mind is that i'm working on healing the abandonment and learning to feel complete in myself through this and wondering if the very fact i'm doing DMSI is going against that because it's pushing me towards "Go and get sex".

On the other hand DMSI is what finally lead me to the point of dealing with this stuff so i'm continuing to listen.

As the compulsion around girls is lessening, it seems other things are opening up.

Today I had the random urge just to go and look at art which was cool. I talked to the woman there about drawing and how it relaxes me but that I have no desire to be an 'artist' so to speak.

And something unexpected, it seems my old desire for martial arts training is awakening. I had a dream last night that I can't remember, but it was something around conflict and today i've been thinking about training again.

Unfortunately here there's only a few TKD classes, which is shit. There is mma, I don't care about bjj so the closest thing would be muay thai that i'd be interested in, the stuff i'm really interested in is rare in general let alone where I live.

But looking at the page about the new 'head instructor' for muay thai, it's some kid who's like 20 and has trained for 2 or 3 years. It's not a problem if he was helping new students in class, but a head instructor.

There is one place that trains what I really want to train in ideally, but it's 2 hours away and honestly i'm not dedicated enough nor do I have the money to drive 4 hours round trip to do it.

Maybe if the desire keeps building enough, but driving that much it wouldn't take long for me to get frustrated at doing so.

The other thing would be trying to find 1 or 2 people to train in my shed again. But when I used to do that it was hard to find dedicated people or people I could do the kind of training I really wanted to with. Either they would not show up or would come once and that's all most of the time.

I wonder if this awakening of desire for training is legit as in since i'm reconnecting with my 'core' more it's coming up. Or is it possibly coming from a past fear of conflict or insecurity temporarily due to the dream I had last night. I don't know but i'll see.

I'm hesitant in another way because what tended to happen when I was full into training, focusing on the right mindset and such I become too aggressive and would attract trouble and fights to me. Now that might be due to deeper things that I feel i've dealt with, but training that mindset regularly atleast made it much worse back then.

On another interesting and frustrating note.. the fears around letting go of 'needing' girls are very convincing and make me feel like it's not worth doing so or I shouldn't do so.

Such as "If I let go of this I might turn gay" or "If I let go of this i'll be alone forever and never be with a woman" as if somehow my need is keeping me connected to them and helping me to be with them. Or "I won't be able to perform sexually if I let that go".

Of course like most fears they don't make sense logically.

On a positive note i'm noticing the days where the 'need' and compulsion is less that my inspiration for other things is increased. It seems that this issue pretty much overshadowed almost everything else in my life and blocked that expression and inspiration for other things.

Seriously, almost every single time i've gone somewhere or to do something for YEARS has been in the hope of finding girls not so much for the enjoyment of it.. especially when I used to goto clubs. I NEVER remember really enjoying a club just for the sake of it, I fucking hated it and it would drain me, my only intent even when going out with friends was always to find girls.

Even during the day doing stuff that same thing has been there, i've had enough of it overshadowing everything and it feels good to just a little bit see the inspiration that might come not having that.

I have also been wanting to join a boxing club and taking up karate again. With the boxing I was looking to get licensed to be able to do it for sport. When you had the class in your shed did you use or have a wing chun training dummy? And what's the name of the art you were wanting to take?

(07-27-2017, 01:34 AM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]

Quote:On the positive side of things, I now actually want to quit - never really bothered thinking about doing that before DMSI, to be honest.

Interesting, guess it shows that alot of it is emotional driven. The peer pressure thing is what alot of people who smoke have told me.

Quote:You're alright with the coffee, Ben.

I can't say I agree with those studies. I feel way better having just 1 less coffee than before. And the people I see who have like 6 coffees are usually pretty unhealthy, rely on it just to function and such.. which doesn't strike me as healthy at all.

It doesn't matter if you "agree," Ben. It's empirical data/evidence vs. your subjective opinion.

Quote:I have also been wanting to join a boxing club and taking up karate again. With the boxing I was looking to get licensed to be able to do it for sport. When you had the class in your shed did you use or have a wing chun training dummy? And what's the name of the art you were wanting to take?

Interestingly the urge isn't really here today which makes me wonder again if when I used to train it come from a genuine love or a fear. Alot of it did come from fear.

Nah just used a bag, focus mitts, and people haha. I want to train in something combatives or RBSD related as it covers all the important things that nothing else does like fear management, awareness, scenario training etc.

Something like this, which is hard to find.



But I had the thought something like muay thai because it would be fun and it wouldn't constantly train my mindset to be too aggressive and get me back to that which I didn't like. My urges yesterday were more for fun and expression than anything serious.

Quote:It doesn't matter if you "agree," Ben. It's empirical data/evidence vs. your subjective opinion.

I take my own experience over so called 'scientific data' afterall the conventional wisdom on eating is horrible and doesn't work like the foodpyramid crap.

One example is they released a 'study' recently saying coconut oil is bad for you, which is bullshit. Yet funnily enough the organization that released that got a big 'donation' by a soy company.. and funnily enough 'coincidentally' say how good soy is.

When soy is horrible, shame it's in my protein powder and some other things.. atleast not alot of it.