Subliminal Talk

Found out yesterday that the font I'm selling has finally been pirated. While I fully expected this would happen eventually, I was not expecting the amount of disappointment I felt when actually seeing it this soon (i.e. within the first month). Fortunately the file hosting sites seemed to take them down relatively quickly once I submitted the copyright claims.

The disappointed feeling went away really quickly, though, so that's a plus. Go subs, go.

Switched to A-side yesterday after one month of running B-side. We'll see what kind of differences between the two arise.

Had a headache and glazed over this afternoon out of nowhere after I got back from my last final exam, so took a nap. That was weird.

One notable from the past month on B was I had my first occurrence of a girl legit thinking I looked like a movie star. We had an interesting convo and I asked her to coffee, but she was super flaky, claiming confusion as if she doesn't normally get asked out. Hm.

This week was a full week for me, indeed. I finally graduated from college for real on Wednesday, Vin Diesel the commencement speaker because he went to my college. What a relief to be done with earning my bachelor's degree. Went to a live comedy art show, Drawfee, at the YouTube Space in NYC yesterday, and very much enjoyed the night's entertainment and food. This morning went to a mock tech interview info session at Ernst & Young and had some great lunch along with the useful info about how tech in finance works.

A productive week overall, and looking forward to the potential of a post-undergrad life!

That's awesome Vin Diesel coming to speak! I'm jealous!

He wore shades indoors at Radio City Music Hall as he was bestowed his honorary degree and dubbed "Dr. Diesel" onstage...

Midway through a month of 3.2A. Having some interesting dreams but not remembering any of them except for today and yesterday. I don't often talk about dreams in my journals here but these two were interesting enough to share, and based on their content feel DMSI-influenced.

Yesterday's dream can be summarized as such: I was Cloud from Final Fantasy VII, was bedding some random east Asian-looking cutie (probably Chinese) who wasn't in the game at all, and companion Tifa was jealous.

Today's dream I remembered as a bit more detailed, though. I was myself (more or less) walking down a street and a hottie (looked like some Rachel McAdams, Elizabeth Banks, Cassidy Freeman-type face) in a photo shoot in some shop smiles at me through the window and motions me to come over. I do, we chat, then the dream seems to fast-forward to us already being a couple. Then another fast-forward to us in a doctor's office in a hospital about to set up for a porno shoot with another hottie, some dude, and (as a bribe, I guess) the hospital's head custodian. At that point it's either a blur or I woke up.

So yea, two dreams about hot women essentially vying for my attention. I wouldn't have dreams like this before listening to subliminal, that's for sure.

Oh, quick note. Been running one loop since starting 3.2, but will up it to six loops once this month of A is done, and will likely switch back to B as well.

Submitted an application for an opening in Spotify's upcoming autumn 2018 tech fellowship. Took me a bit of time to actually solve the programming questions, but at least I finally sat myself down to do the thing.

A couple of days away from the end of this month of 3.2A, then will switch to 6 loops of 3.2B.

Slowly but surely regaining productivity with fewer distractions lately, optimistic that one of the dev jobs I actually want that I've applied for will work out. Previously that optimism would be weighed down and clouded by excessive doubt and feelings of inadequacy, but so far able to push through them by being productive and rebuilding my portfolio.

Still on the same medication, but recently able to acquire the testosterone prescription finally, so cautiously optimistic about my T-levels increasing, preferably permanently. Consciously and intentionally drinking less coffee, will eventually get rid of it once my body stops being super tired when waking up in the morning.

I honestly have no idea how valid my reporting is about DMSI while taking prescription medication. I hope it's still useful.

Hm. My mother told me that my grandmother passed away this morning. For the most part, I feel that my emotions, strong or otherwise, seem to be blocked. The main reason I can think of for that is that ever since I was a kid I didn't know how to deal with death, likely because almost every time my mom dragged us to to a funeral it was for someone I didn't know and honestly didn't care about, and when I finally started going to funerals of people I actually knew I didn't know how to feel or react or grieve.

Right now it feels like if I became sad that it would feel forced rather than natural. My current emotional state seems to be "flat" right now, with a side of "confused."

(07-04-2018, 04:06 PM)apollolux Wrote: [ -> ]Hm. My mother told me that my grandmother passed away this morning. For the most part, I feel that my emotions, strong or otherwise, seem to be blocked. The main reason I can think of for that is that ever since I was a kid I didn't know how to deal with death, likely because almost every time my mom dragged us to to a funeral it was for someone I didn't know and honestly didn't care about, and when I finally started going to funerals of people I actually knew I didn't know how to feel or react or grieve.

Right now it feels like if I became sad that it would feel forced rather than natural. My current emotional state seems to be "flat" right now, with a side of "confused."

My condolences.

You may just need time to deal with it. It is sometimes a denial response right out of the gate. It took me literally years to process my mother's death enough to cry about it and really grieve.

(07-05-2018, 05:50 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-04-2018, 04:06 PM)apollolux Wrote: [ -> ]Hm. My mother told me that my grandmother passed away this morning. For the most part, I feel that my emotions, strong or otherwise, seem to be blocked. The main reason I can think of for that is that ever since I was a kid I didn't know how to deal with death, likely because almost every time my mom dragged us to to a funeral it was for someone I didn't know and honestly didn't care about, and when I finally started going to funerals of people I actually knew I didn't know how to feel or react or grieve.

Right now it feels like if I became sad that it would feel forced rather than natural. My current emotional state seems to be "flat" right now, with a side of "confused."

My condolences.

You may just need time to deal with it. It is sometimes a denial response right out of the gate. It took me literally years to process my mother's death enough to cry about it and really grieve.

That makes sense, I guess. I know that my fondest memory of her was when we were younger and she seemed super full of life and energy, while looking at the pics and vids my mom and I took a couple of years ago when we visited her in Puerto Rico she looked and seemed like a completely different person. Maybe the potential denial is due to the dissonance of those two "competing" versions/memories of her.

Every so often I have a dream that I know is DMSI-related, and this morning was one of those dreams. I've dreamt about being Chandler from Friends once or twice before, but previously it didn't feel like a DMSI-related dream. In this dream, Rachel and Phoebe told me they each might be pregnant with my baby and just came back from the doctor; I had responded passionately that whatever each chose to do regarding keeping the babies or abortion I would support them 100%, then they each told me the doctor said they were pregnant and both hugged me glad I would honestly try to be a good parent.

I attribute this dream to DMSI because ever since I was a kid (definitely at least since I was 16 and started having sex, possibly before) getting a girl unexpectedly pregnant was a worry of mine, though I always thought it was just something to keep in mind when looking to have sex rather than something that should govern my actions. To me, it seems that if it's significant enough to dream about it then it's significant enough to be addressed, and apparently I'm more worried about unexpected pregnancies than I initially thought. Worried enough that there is a defense mechanism against having sex, though?