Finished the second 14+1 cycle of this 30 day DMSI 3.2B cluster, so starting 3.3D with overnight loops shortly. If any of my current mental, emotional, and/or physical shortcomings are fear-related, regardless of if it's related to sexuality or not, I look forward to seeing forward progress made towards resolving those issues positively.
One thing I forgot to note. Yesterday before I even went to bed my brother decided to start an argument with me and, being annoyed every time he yells, I completely stuffed him with my own yelling and logic. I hope he finally gets the hint.
Ran the first set of loops of 3.3D overnight and it felt like a better sleep than I've had in months of running 3.2. Given that my current work schedule essentially requires me to wake up at 6:30am, I feel this and the reduction of loops from 7 to 5 will be crucial to better overall personal well being.
Just found that 3.3.1D was released! Since it's listed as 8 loops per day, I'm gonna finish this final 5+2 day 3.3 run first then switch.
One thing to note that I didn't originally think was DMSI-related: for the past couple of months during the day my right arm tingles numb randomly and strongly as if I slept on it weirdly. Recently I've become more open to the possibility that it's a sign that a potentially attractive woman near me is attracted (or becoming attracted) to me to some relatively noticeable degree. In this case, "noticeable" means IOIs are more obvious and there are higher chances of IOI clusters. If this is indeed the case, then my subconscious seems to have chosen a hell of a way to signal me and to potentially manifest "the morphine drip" feeling.
As I get ready to begin listening to DMSI 3.3.1D, I'd like to note some updates here that I feel may be relevant to my DMSI listening experience.
Very often, more often than my right arm tingling, I feel my right ear canal tingling like there's an errant hair that needs to be tweezed or something but there's no hair to tweeze. It feels deep enough that I can't scratch it with a fingernail or a cotton swab and it's relatively bothersome. I have no actual idea if it's DMSI-related or not, but if planning on associating my right arm tingling with attraction signaling then I might as well through my right ear tingling into the mix as well.
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday to follow-up about the blood draws I had last week for the low-T. Where my last draw (October I think) said I was around 100 for testosterone, this draw said I was over 1000 testosterone! On the minus side, it also said I had high levels of estrogen (55 where their current high is 40), which may or may not play a role in the current bouts of tiredness, lack of energy, and recent weight gain.
So yea. It's interesting that, despite this roller coaster of health issues, my self-esteem is pretty high. I'm not delusional, i know my gut has gotten bigger and that, for the most part, this is something I can combat and control. Even though I've gained weight and size, however, I still feel as good looking (at least facially and pectorally) as before I started gaining weight. This is probably the most significant positive to have come from listening to DMSI, and even BIABWS+DAOS before it: despite the hardships I've encountered over the years, I now feel good about my abilities and chances to overcome them and I feel good about myself and my appearance.
While I think there is still some resistance happening internally, especially with regards to accomplishing the main goal of actually attracting beautiful women to approach and proposition me for sex, I do feel that there has been progress being made towards developing sexual irresistibility.
(01-26-2019, 05:24 PM)apollolux Wrote: [ -> ]As I get ready to begin listening to DMSI 3.3.1D, I'd like to note some updates here that I feel may be relevant to my DMSI listening experience.
Very often, more often than my right arm tingling, I feel my right ear canal tingling like there's an errant hair that needs to be tweezed or something but there's no hair to tweeze. It feels deep enough that I can't scratch it with a fingernail or a cotton swab and it's relatively bothersome. I have no actual idea if it's DMSI-related or not, but if planning on associating my right arm tingling with attraction signaling then I might as well through my right ear tingling into the mix as well.
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday to follow-up about the blood draws I had last week for the low-T. Where my last draw (October I think) said I was around 100 for testosterone, this draw said I was over 1000 testosterone! On the minus side, it also said I had high levels of estrogen (55 where their current high is 40), which may or may not play a role in the current bouts of tiredness, lack of energy, and recent weight gain.
So yea. It's interesting that, despite this roller coaster of health issues, my self-esteem is pretty high. I'm not delusional, i know my gut has gotten bigger and that, for the most part, this is something I can combat and control. Even though I've gained weight and size, however, I still feel as good looking (at least facially and pectorally) as before I started gaining weight. This is probably the most significant positive to have come from listening to DMSI, and even BIABWS+DAOS before it: despite the hardships I've encountered over the years, I now feel good about my abilities and chances to overcome them and I feel good about myself and my appearance.
While I think there is still some resistance happening internally, especially with regards to accomplishing the main goal of actually attracting beautiful women to approach and proposition me for sex, I do feel that there has been progress being made towards developing sexual irresistibility.
I've had the ear-tingling every day now since listening to the new DMSI, it's annoying though.
Five days into listening to 3.3.1, two days in a row my phone decides its battery is screwy and chooses not to acknowledge it's properly charging, so it turns off while I'm sleeping. Both times it results in not sounding my alarm clock when I need it, so yesterday I woke up super late. I chose to take that as a sign that, given the current cold snap in NYC, I should just bite the bullet and actually go to the emergency room and get this bronchitis looked at, so I emailed work to say I was late due to an emergency. After the ER I went to work and they said to leave early and not come back until Monday because of the doctor's orders. They recommended borrowing a work laptop to do the training at home, which I did.
Meanwhile, I had a second device set last night to alarm me in case the phone decides to not work properly again and I'm glad I did. Now I need to figure out how to properly deal with this phone.
(02-01-2019, 06:38 PM)apollolux Wrote: [ -> ]Five days into listening to 3.3.1, two days in a row my phone decides its battery is screwy and chooses not to acknowledge it's properly charging, so it turns off while I'm sleeping. Both times it results in not sounding my alarm clock when I need it, so yesterday I woke up super late. I chose to take that as a sign that, given the current cold snap in NYC, I should just bite the bullet and actually go to the emergency room and get this bronchitis looked at, so I emailed work to say I was late due to an emergency. After the ER I went to work and they said to leave early and not come back until Monday because of the doctor's orders. They recommended borrowing a work laptop to do the training at home, which I did.
Meanwhile, I had a second device set last night to alarm me in case the phone decides to not work properly again and I'm glad I did. Now I need to figure out how to properly deal with this phone.
Good to have backup
(02-01-2019, 06:38 PM)apollolux Wrote: [ -> ]Five days into listening to 3.3.1, two days in a row my phone decides its battery is screwy and chooses not to acknowledge it's properly charging, so it turns off while I'm sleeping. Both times it results in not sounding my alarm clock when I need it, so yesterday I woke up super late. I chose to take that as a sign that, given the current cold snap in NYC, I should just bite the bullet and actually go to the emergency room and get this bronchitis looked at, so I emailed work to say I was late due to an emergency. After the ER I went to work and they said to leave early and not come back until Monday because of the doctor's orders. They recommended borrowing a work laptop to do the training at home, which I did.
Meanwhile, I had a second device set last night to alarm me in case the phone decides to not work properly again and I'm glad I did. Now I need to figure out how to properly deal with this phone.
Good to have backup
Well then.
Seems it's been almost 10 months since I last logged in here. There's too much activity to catch up on at the moment, so I'll do that later. After about 29 months almost straight (took one 30-day break sometime last year) of listening to DMSI I've been taking a break; today is day 60 of that break and I'll decide later today if I'm going to resume listening to DMSI or if I'm going to choose to listen to a different sub.
I feel the need to stress that over the course of listening to DMSI I have not had sex nor have any women I am attracted to actually approach me for any sort of sexual and/or romantic encounter. On top of that, any that have shown any signals and signal clusters, either intentionally or unintentionally, continue to not acknowledge, either consciously or subconsciously, that
I am the reason they feel whatever they feel at that moment. As a result, while I do acknowledge that I am indeed emanating some aura and/or vibe being felt by others and myself (I'm always hot now and even in below freezing temps outside I sweat from heat and have my desk fan running on low at work to cool me off), there's something..."out of tune" with it, either in a strength/amplitude aspect, a direction aspect (i.e. people rarely if ever realize and acknowledge that it's coming from me), or some amount of both.
I have gone into listening to DMSI all this time with only one realistic expectation: to noticeably reduce or outright remove from my thoughts and mindset the idea that to noticeably increase my sexual attractiveness the increase and availability of money must play a significant part. Not only has this not happened, but one girl in particular (the Russian blonde I've mentioned quite some time ago) has outright said to me that she would only be interested in me if/when I have money and a good job even though she's shown pretty overt and often blatant signals of attraction to me since the day we first met. For comparison, the guy she's been seeing for almost 5 years was living with his parents when she met him and is supposedly a building superintendent.
I have had a few good things happen in my life these past 10 months, though. Thanks to the FinTech training from my company and my previous development experience I've been working as an application developer for a major bank since April. I'm still looking for a new place to live, but at least I have a guaranteed job until April 2021 and I'll be able to afford living on my own. My doctor finally accepted that the medication he's had me take for the past few years hasn't worked, so he's taken me off of it and prescribed a different one. I've only been using it for a month, but I've noticed an increase in anger and negative emotions as if the limitation of emotional range from the previous meds has been decreased but primarily for negative ones (i.e. the negative range of my emotions has increased). I have an appointment with him in a couple of days so I'll talk with him then about it. On the plus side, since switching off of the previous meds I've finally started losing noticeable weight that was gained during the course of taking those meds, a pretty strong correlation (and I dare say causation) to me between those meds and the weight gain.
It seems that since I was last here 5.75g has been introduced and DMSI has been updated to 3.3.2 as a result. That seems to be tipping the scales in favor of DMSI being the sub I resume listening to if the change log is good indication. I will have to read through journals and the DMSI thread to see what's been reported over this past year and see if the result of that is an increase in power added to DMSI or an amount of power taken away from it to focus more on other aspects of the scripting. I apologize, @
Shannon , for not being more diligent in reporting my DMSI experience; I am going to attribute that to effects of the meds I previously took and hope that moving forward after I catch up that I can become better about the reporting aspect of having been an early adopter of DMSI.
I'm really curious as to how much the medications affected your results and how, but I doubt you'd be able to shed light on that for me.
I'm super curious as well, @
Shannon . I can say for certain that the old medication that was replaced was Lexapro/escitalopram 10mg, an SSRI, and the new one is Cymbalta/duloxetine 60mg, apparently an SS
NRI. I don't necessarily know what's different between SSRI and SSNRI other than the inclusion of targeting norepinephrine, but I can say from observation that Lexapro's mirror image, Celexa/citalopram, as used by my twin brother a little over a decade ago really screwed him up and was not helpful to him at all. I only ever gave Lexapro a shot because my doctor insisted that it's different enough from Celexa (which I vehemently refused and will continue to refuse) that I wouldn't have nearly as adverse reactions to it as my brother did with Celexa.
My current theory as a result of having taken Lexapro for almost 4 years is that serotonin reuptake inhibitors of
any kind, selective or otherwise, would significantly stuff or otherwise completely negate the neuro-chemical aspects of executing subs like DMSI and maybe others. As of writing this Dec 3 I've only used the Cymbalta for about two months or so, so I don't know yet/don't have any better formed hypothesis on how serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors differ. Currently the most prominent side effect of the new med is increased anger and emotional sensitivity. I do admit this is all just conjecture for now and that I don't necessarily have enough relevant domain knowledge to definitively say one way or another "anti-depressants conflict with certain subs," but I would hope that my understanding and presentation of such is reasonable enough to at least point to a direction.
Updates incoming. This one's a doozy, and apologies to anyone who might not be able to follow along its freeform prose presentation, as I'm also finding it difficult to understand some of it even though I lived it. Long post warning.
My last post before this was in the first week of December 2019. December turned out to have a very interesting second half. I was informed prior that we didn't technically have the 23rd, 24th, nor the 26th off for holiday, so I went in Christmas week expecting to do my usual work. On Tuesday Dec 24 I received a call from my employer, a contractor of tech consultants, that the firm I was at is laying off contractors due to budget cuts and my last day is the end of THAT SAME WEEK, Friday Dec 27. As a result, I stop what I was working on and even though I would only have a couple of days did whatever I could to come up with an understandable knowledge transfer doc so the work I was doing can be continued after my departure. I was informed by my employer that my first day back at that office was to be Wednesday Jan 8, to be physically present there twice a week (Wed & Thu) due to my status as being "beached" (previously on-site but not currently), and I have been going there twice a week since then waiting for the next client firm to be assigned to.
On Thursday Dec 26 I had finished my antidepressants for the month but unfortunately was not able to make it to the pharmacy to pick up refills that day nor the next. The day afterwards, however, Saturday the 28th, I had been able to make it to the pharmacy early enough, only to find that a charge from the previous day had left me with a nearly empty bank account so I couldn't pick up refills due to the insurance copayments. The next day, Sunday the 29th, during a text conversation with the Russian girl I feel intense anger as well as headaches slowly creeping in too. As I text her this she replied to stop the meds because she's worried about the many changes in my demeanor over the years because of them and assumed correctly that I was starting to feel withdrawal symptoms. I would not have my next psychiatrist appointment then until the week after that, so even though a couple of days later I was able to pick up the refills when I got paid the desire to be DONE with these meds was probably the only thing helping drive me through the initial pains of that particular week of withdrawal. That Saturday I informed my therapist of these events and he was more concerned with me having gone through that alone more than anything else. The Tuesday after, Jan 7, I saw my psychiatrist and told him about it. He seemed more annoyed about me doing it cold turkey and having made that decision unilaterally than anything else, and insisted that even though I refused to resume the primary med, Cymbalta at the time, that I stay on the secondary one, the Wellbutrin XL. I reluctantly agreed even after he acknowledged my statement of not feeling the primary effects of any of those meds and only feeling the side effects. More on this shortly.
On Saturday Dec 14 I went to a clinic to see a doctor about the persistent cough I've had for more than a whole week prior and was diagnosed with bronchitis and prescribed a normal course of antibiotics for it. A referral to a pulmonary specialist was also scheduled for after I was done with the antibiotics since I have asthma and I also had excessive amounts of coughing during that time. After I had finished it the cough remained and felt more than ever like something was stuck in my throat, like a sliver of onion skin or tomato peel from a marinara or a peanut skin or something similar. I went in Saturday Jan 18 to get checked out for that, and while the x-rays they took did not show anything visibly stuck (I would end up coughing up whatever it was a few days later, confirming that something was indeed stuck there) the x-rays decidedly revealed two other issues completely unrelated to the coughing, bronchitis, and asthma. It was revealed that I had (and still have as of 2020-Feb-24) atherosclerosis and a "tortuous aorta" on the thoracic side, and was referred to a cardiologist as a result, as well as an ENT specialist for the coughing. I was supposed to meet someone after that appointment and when I called her to say I was taking longer because of the extra news from this visit I went into a fit of rage after she said she was going home. I would end up seeing her that Monday as a result, but the white hot anger that I felt that day after being given these x-ray findings that apparently have been missed or possibly even kept from me for most if not all of my life had overwhelmed me, and was a level of anger I had not felt in years, only twice before in my life having ever come that close to a complete meltdown.
Since that visit I had seen the cardiologist and scheduled a kidney ultrasound, liver x-rays, blood labs, carotid ultrasound, and a stress test, with the follow-up to all of those tomorrow, Tuesday Feb 25. Those tests were last week, but the Wednesday before last I was sent home early due to odor from excessive sweating being an insurmountable problem that day. I chose to immediately visit a clinic after leaving the office and was given a referral to an endocrinologist. I saw the endocrinologist this past Friday, Feb 21, and somehow the results from my blood labs were available to review during that appointment even though I had the draw only a few days prior on Tuesday; I had anticipated that they wouldn't be ready until today (Monday) so I was pleasantly surprised to have this additional information with me. After a basic physical examination and studying the blood tests he officially diagnosed me with "insulin resistance," essentially the most common precursor to type 2 diabetes and in this case genetically predisposed. According to him, insulin resistance is a significant contributor, if not the direct cause, of a slew of health problems I have had over the course of my life, including the excessive sweating, and is also the most likely culprit of one in particular I only relatively recently began to actively suspect the existence of: my body's inability to properly process certain nutrients and classes of drugs, both prescription and non-prescription, reducing or outright eliminating the efficacy and usefulness of their primary effects and leaving me to suffer through essentially just the side effects.
tl;dr - My time programming at the bank, a little over 8 months, ended the last week of December and I've been at my company's NYC training office since then waiting to have interviews and eventually a new assignment. I went cold turkey on my primary antidepressants after finishing the December bottle and down to just the Wellbutrin for it, the primary results from the withdrawal being the returning of anger and rage once the medication-induced emotional range limiters wore off. I had bronchitis and after treating it still had coughing fits which led me to one more visit to the clinic, where in addition to referrals to specialists for my lungs and throat was also given diagnoses of atherosclerosis and a tortuous thoracic aorta and referred to a cardiologist. During the course of handling the resulting tests scheduled by the cardiologist I had seen an endocrinologist in an effort to reveal any underlying causes of the essentially uncontrollable excessive sweating I have, as I felt my job is now officially on the line because of it, and was diagnosed with insulin resistance and given the most extreme dietary restrictions I've ever had in my life. There are other trials and tribulations of note during these past two months, especially with other people, but that's for another post.
Man, Alex, you've been through the wringer, lately! Sorry to hear about that. I hope you are able to come out the other side of this positively.
Hang in there, my friend.
Well ok, two months late on my reply, sorry all.
@
RTBoss thanks for the well-wishes and sorry I didn't get back here until now to acknowledge. Turns out in February I would have no idea just how long the wringer would keep wringing...
Today April 23rd is my birthday and I turn 35 years old. At no point in my life did I ever expect that I would have a birthday in the middle of what is generally accepted to be a worldwide viral pandemic and
still somehow have non-virus related nonsense trump that as far as personal trials and tribulations are concerned,
especially living in New York City which is considered the hardest hit of all American cities and somehow the world.
On March 10th I was let go from my job, about a week before all the shelter-in-place, stay-at-home, quarantine, whatever you want to call it closures. HR officially said it was because "there were no clients at this time in need of my particular skillset and they did not foresee that changing in the near future, so they didn't want to waste my time and their money," while I'm pretty sure it was more because of the sweat and odor problem. The biggest plus of being let go in this way was that I would not be subject to their nonsense early-contract-end fee (US$30,000 supposedly because of the "amount of investment they put in training me" etc), while the second plus is that I was actually eligible for unemployment benefits for the first time in my professional life because this was the first time I'd ever been
fired from a job. I've been receiving unemployment for a little over a month now, so at least for the short term my financials are somewhat ok.
That being said, many other aspects of my life are now garbage. I had more tests ordered by the various specialists and now have more definitive results for the various diagnoses. The atherosclerosis is still a thing, but the tortuous aorta was ruled to be a misread of previous x-rays. Blood pressure and cholesterol were still high so they finally prescribed me meds for those. The insulin resistance was ruled to have led to me currently being prediabetic and as a result the endocrinologist has decided to prescribe me metformin, normally prescribed to patients who already have full-blown diabetes but because of being ruled as overweight at about 245 lbs at the time he felt it would serve me much better now while there's still a chance to prevent in addition to the draconian diet regimen he already had me on. As of this morning I have dropped to 222 lbs weight, so clearly something is going right with the combo of diet and medication I currently have.
Against my psychiatrist's recommendations I have made the decision to end my second and last anti-depressant, the Wellbutrin XL, tapering off the 450mg/daily to 300mg/daily for one month, then 150mg/daily for the next month, then done. He's not jazzed about it but I felt its intended effect of narrowing perceivable emotion was letting too much anger through and not enough happy. The 300mg month is still in progress.
The blonde Russian girl has decided to show her true colors. She has shown herself to be a drug addict, constantly begs me for money pretending it's for other stuff she
actually needs and not spending it on, and keeps trying to guilt me into it to boot. She used to be a really good friend to me but destroyed all of that good will and faith over the past five months, and while I genuinely want her to get help it's clear any help I gave her in the past and she might have gotten from me in the future didn't and wouldn't go to where it truly needed to be.
Hanging in there while all this nonsense continues around me, trying to stay sane and regain some sort of productivity. Still have not had sex and still disappointed that the idea of attracting via money has not been wiped out or otherwise superseded by better, more effective ideas of sexual attraction. Still listening to DMSI regardless.