Subliminal Talk

The NGAF takes a huge spin the last few days. Its like nothing p[hase me, and this results in being cold. it goes as far as feeling like acting to convey some interest, like being fake in a way. Now, I do get attracted to highly feminine voices and the such, yet, as far as I am aware, its almost a lonely thing, and yet,m when I go full dark and alone in this world ( perhaps somewhat isolated, yet not in a state of hiding, but being fuly exposed ) its almost like no-one or anything bothers me at all anymore. Aloof being is one thing, showing no interest or whatever, by being to aloof, seems to be almost contraproductive and anti-social. Also, Im easily getting defensive in some situations. Like, having to proof something, or even showing some sort of interest/social skills display, but this as a result tend to put me in a tailspin.

I did somewhat responded in a cold manner when some guy was all trying to shame and bug me, I called him out on it, that he was being a try hard,. and the 2 leads I had, took my side.

Im slightly feeling confused, and yet, in the area of seduction ( which is just a 10th of the whole picture so to say ) Im finally get some impulses to pull the trigger like its some Obvious thing. Showing interest threw me in a headspin, like, showing interest causes the effect of being a easy catch. I feel I'm genuinly HTG, or, atleast, that seems to be my default state, till the point of being high value way up there.

Showing interest also is something to own, it can be interesting to master this skill, tgo find the fun and joy in it. Its just as soon as there is some sort of "bonding"taking place from her side, Im shutting down and get totally mute/silent. Shows how much I work through bodylanguage.

Strong IOIs at the gym, yet, what dzemoo once wrote "alpha's dont talk about women, they have women" I just feel self centred, self mastered and almost alone in a way, which makes understanding the transcendend part.

reason to run DMSi would be to be more playfull, more free in expression and the such. I sut want to bite the bullet because I like the girl. I simply dont chase at all, showing interest is one thing that brought me in PUA stuff, which messed me up. Im very aloof, simply killing it all off by communicating disinterest, yet when I think about interest showing and telling her she is cute and qualifying her, I feel simply needy.

Im fearfull fo where Im going and being lead as of now, by the sub, its there, yet some part of me holds onto old patterns, There is still a part of me that belioefs by being expressive, that I will lose everything and all. Also, scared of being hurt, rejected come up, like wtf. I can say I like her, yet expression feels beta to me at this point. I simply fall into blockage at the same time. depressive stuff.

I dont even know why Im so overwhelmed by what has happened, by those messages from hers, like, she goes out her way to message me, even if it is an half hour later, fickle, yet interesting, it does somewhat inspires me playfully. Why it overwhelms me in forms of flashbacks and messages playing of in my head idk. It feels somewhat new, like thinking back at that, like some inner part of me has been unlocked. Maybe its some sort of manifestation, i have no idea to begin with.

Another thing is, im somewhat afraid to hurt her ( flowed right out of my inner core ) am I in love or something? like, from what I begint o realize is, I have many beliefs going on about the interest thing, yet, this could be fear. Im starting to suspect she is just honestly and brutally upfront and loves it to hear, the romantic fantasy type. No offendedness, yet rather, more of a "aha, oke, I like it, I want you to confess" as if she gets turned on by that stuff. On the other hand, I seem to have no one-itis at all. Like, no submission or what not, no groveling.

Im hihky aware on the manipulation thing, Its a side thought of "it could be manipulation/orbitter harvesting" yet I am not orbitting.

Depression session. Confused right now like a shitload of stuff is surfacing. Re-occuring theme. Feeling like losijg everything. Lost feeling obsessed. Confused. Its all felt in my body and acknowledged now. Im lost as to what attraction means. One side beliefs that showing none causes interest. Other hand, there is belief by being interested and real is a thing. As it can amplify attraction if a women/girl is interested. Like some 'damaged goods' kind of rethoric instead of being a fortress of steel. Fear is another thing. Ugh. Fucking nice guy masks. Im hurt under the surface. Admitting this terrifies me.

Im all for sexual liberation, for releasing, and this at times feelslike a drag, like, AM stirrs all kind of stuff up about it. Having some profound realisations al around in terms of frame, business, mindset and abundance. Becoming self made is the priority and this leaks over and makes it in return unstoppable. I do feel in a way, expression is huge, "instead"of being cold hearted. There is passion in this to be found. already back on no-fap and this in return will bring my edge back, aswell as my social disinhibition. Im feeling damn seductive with a grin on my fcae. Not needy yet appreciating. Also, have a sort of sense of a glorious end of this journey.

Libido already coming up. will incorporate cardio again to bring up and raise up stamina, cardio vascularity and drive. Also, got a date. I still do face some little quirks in terms of playing safe, which is a big acknowledgment aswell as a red thread as of now.

also, mbracing the yes mindset, oppurtunities are litterally everywhere and this is now realized which is a great feeling, its so Obvious, its almost tragic lol. being on 24/7. and ofcourse, this will cause a snowball effect of sentiment, expression and even love. A rather elevated sense of love, assuement and confidence, like suprapersonal stuff. there is a shit-ton of passion behind those walls, its mindblowing. I just going to bathe in it.

edit; start to feeling those breakdown feelings that I had before in stage 5 I believe. its highly personal in a way, yet almost some sort of mourning what I do expereince. confusing as fuck. finally acknowledging some part of me, like, some sort of long lost part of mine. Also, I dont have to be perfect at all ( ouch ), attraction = attraction. more in a way of authenticity. im starting to become human.. I'm even willingly letting it purge, wash over and indulge in this right now.

Authenticy tend to be an evolving something. Its like, as soon as I proclaim "fuck the world"I get centred. Like loads of bagage just falls off from me. being actually in this world even. some connection with myself, its clear and Obvious as day. Its the authenticity thats beneath the surface that keeps piercing through the whole of garbage. again, lots of pua shit is still present.

(03-02-2017, 05:22 AM)Kol Wrote: [ -> ]edit; start to feeling those breakdown feelings that I had before in stage 5 I believe. its highly personal in a way, yet almost some sort of mourning what I do expereince. confusing as ****. finally acknowledging some part of me, like, some sort of long lost part of mine. Also, I dont have to be perfect at all ( ouch ), attraction = attraction. more in a way of authenticity. im starting to become human.. I'm even willingly letting it purge, wash over and indulge in this right now.

Authenticy tend to be an evolving something. Its like, as soon as I proclaim "**** the world"I get centred. Like loads of bagage just falls off from me. being actually in this world even. some connection with myself, its clear and Obvious as day. Its the authenticity thats beneath the surface that keeps piercing through the whole of garbage. again, lots of pua shit is still present.

This right here. I understand so much. Just being yourself and not giving a crap what others think. Throwing away all those feelings that make me feel like I need to censor myself or change who I am. I also have a ton of PUA shit I'm trying to wipe from my mind. Just trying to live authentically instead of some cheap caricature of what an alpha male is.

Seems I re-dissociate and yet it is being unrooted. thinking about the whole of this, how depression and dissociation are now hit upon makes me lol hard.
Had also a realisation today about having references and this also causes me to go back in time. They seem to move in the background most of the time, like not sticking at all, as soon as I do have this re-realisation, its making me aware of being abundant once again, its behaviour dictating/altering.
Language is a strong thing, defining your reality and how you speak to yourself, others and self image. Think NLP.

every otyher thing is also flooding back. mission, launching products, branding, to obsessive proportions. fuckling force of nature and authentic as fuck. Its like a high of life, of being determined and a brutal force. No longer will I sit down, no longer will this be moved out of my awareness. Its the fucking dusk and dawn.

Sudden anger purge towards feminism, SJW bullshit and the such also surfaces. As I am reading the Book of Pook, I am agreeing with lot of it, like its knowledge flowing to me. I am realizing how I am my own resource in this, how authenticity is a fluid something. Also, nature. Nature as being the sum of a whole ( because, why not? )

Moving fast in actions and setting up things/meetings.
Go get what I want.
No time wasted. This feels like AM is. Fast, clear and confidence in a way. No bs just get on with it and soaring through life. Being the cause, not the effect.

Day 17

Just back from the gym. My physique is really sculping out and feel AM does add to it. Being attractive/sexy is ultimately something free from external highs, which in turn is empowering. Worrying does nothing. I do recognize being the cause, not the effect in ways. Also killing it each day. Attraction is attraction. Getting more aloof once again. Its empowering.

Im starting to detach strongly. Great vision and changes. Euphoria strikes as I write this. Total abundance. I realize so much right now. Like being the prize, conquering the world. No desire to look at porn, yet, when looking at it, its dull and uninterested. Very secure and self.

In response to some of your dark posts... I think we all forget what "resistance" does to our minds lmao

Do you ever just write off whats going on to you as temporary? Because to be honest, neither of us knows what AM6 results are like after not running it for a while. Who knows, once we grow the roots, maybe the tree will sprout into a very drastic experience compared to the lonely darkness.

Yes I do. I would say my vision is always going forward in a sense. Like changes happen yet I sometimes see them already as a given. From what I know/read, AM develops further after the run is done. I also wonder how long it sticks around as some people have reported some waning.

ION; there is still confidence to work on. Like an ever going development. Also, I don't know how I feel atm. Aloof? Indifferent? I have a long time habit of being self interested and seem to lack interest in others to an extent , which is a big realisation. Its like, I'm this awesome guy, some dig me, yet there its stoppin. Confidence issues.

Unrooting somethings. Interest. It feels somewhat like pulling out a part of me. Like a hard look on myself. I want to move on and be animated. The thought of extention from AM is suitable to me.

I also seem to think I understand certain things.

Time to stop dwelling on it.

Yea, you got hella dark past month. It's fine though. This is what prepares you for who you going to become.

Another chapter, another insight about "being myself" here comes the rabbit hole in the sense of being fully expressive and authentic. Its some deep shit. Finally disroot that shit. Feeling awesome though. I now begin to see the light so to speak.

Edit: I suspect fear to be surfacing. Its killing me, like heart churning frustration. Im so way up there amd growing alpha while the changes are so incredibly massive. Like being forced against the wall and give up. Encountering lots now. I strongly dislike disintetest from my part. I want to bite bullet and flow. Re-direct focus? Just depressing bruh, shimmering building rasge and anger under the surface in subtle ways, perhaps its some fedupness, i now now the anger and well under neath it, I want to express yet feel as if being caged in some ways.

Im almost drunk with emotion and crap and what not and its making me delirious. I dont even care if its not making sense or something. I feel and act like shit. My mind is totally messed up, drawing blanks. Simple interactions are turned complicated out of some shitty fear motives. Im crumbling and I hate it. Like wtf. Im suspicious and fearfull of coming across neefy, clingy, supplicating. Its like this web of lies and shit going all around and slipping into default mode. I dont care if I am bitching right now and/or what not. Its almost like a deepgrained nechanism of expectation and dissapointment.

Torment I would say it is. I miss my truly NGAF and cocky attitude knowing im abundant.maybe through Shannons subs we develop a certain way that puts us in another kind of life. I feel to braggy. I feel lots of pua shit in my mind running like a fucking parasite, thinking in manipulative ways. Its like massive a block preventing me from developing.

Again, starting with nofap. Apathy, disinterest and braindeadness play the overtones last few days and its pretty much depressing me to no end. Also, I dont want fucking sympathy from women or anything like fucking lapdog. Keep that shit of it. Niceguy crap is still dominating in a way in my behaviour and reflecting in my responses. Playing it to safe and anti seductive. To much attention towards that. Let go. Im overthinking the whole thing aswell. Like as if im being to sexual pushy and forcefull. Testing the wsters but inclined feeling of the pushing/pulling away as being suspicious.

Its ultimate me. Knowing im abundant. Having options. Build up from there. Just awesome life living flowing into one project to another.

Clearing up more socially. Trauma work through. Platforms are a thing for me like a automatic kicking in trigger and dazing out. Wtf, instant freeze/paralyzes response.

Clear up, getting in touch with my inner core. Fuck worries. Fuck being needy, being non needy, aloof, non aloof whatever. So much toxicness that is external. I seem to go quit lots and it fucking sucks to have such hindrings going around like a fucking fortress.

I want my edge and fun back ffs. My flowing style. My momentum.

Again back on no-fap. I begin to understand why it still takes place. Its destructive.

Edit1: a re-occuring response is the "freeze out/going ice cold". As soon as something happens I dont put up with it, turning into some chernobyl meltdown scenario. As in, 'wants to be chased-> freeze out/space out/going non response'. I see clearly through the tests and webs of trying anything like the underlying matrix of it all, yet am still in a mixed bag. Text functions as a set up, in my mind im in high demand like 24/7 business entrepreneur and killing it in life. No shaming aswell. I notice im still to much effect instead of cause which sucks.

Dissonance between texting and non at all. Its confusing to an extent and fear mixes in it seems. No longer caring about angry chicks at all. Seems like im non caring till the point of stoicism and 'dropping it'

Im laid back and thats about it. No fucking overthinking, nor worrying. - realisation. Melt. Confident as fuck. Arrogant solid unstoppable feeling going on and it ever increases like a brick wall. Perhaps I realise, let go and be as I am in authentic fashion. Fuck fapping, get on dat no fap fam. Be social, outgoing, fun and shit. No regrets!

Total distegard of anyone and llaidback yet expressive like a force of nature/electricity. Pure trippin stuff it is and it is good. I now finally realize and self support. I do wonder about working through consciously. Just let it flow and go fly all the way righhht