Subliminal Talk

Encountering myself hard again which is a trend since my dark night episode. Lots of realisations, feeling ghosted and hurt because of it. Wouldnt be suprised if I would come face to face with myself like some shadow self process. The feelings of being passed, ghosted, ignored stirr up. Having a dirty smirk on my face. Feeling somewhat anti social but yet the chain is yanked.

Recognition is what I want. My mind screaming for recognition. Deep stuff. Like being pulled toward different sides simultaneously, tearing me apart. Powerlessness and sadness. Relax in it yet this does make me wanna lash out and pay everything and everyone.

In a way I feel enstranged aswell from everything and everyone like being a monster, a outcast. A predator. Sarcastic and cynical.

Inner state feels lifting, yet I notice the cycles including the cynism. another thing I face. sometimes I wonder if I'm simply re-enacting trauma without being aware of it. confusing. Its all I know probably. Feeling it all under the surface. My mirror reflection does confuse me, I see someone I dont know, perhaps, my little broken kid reflection. Coming to terms with tragedy and death. writing this is a cataclyst to another possible purging. Tragedy. Something deep burried in my psyche, its actually all pretty sad.

"he was happy, he should be here" The responsibilities, writing it all out like a description of something other. Its making me face the realness, I'm confused, a lost kid at this point. a tragedy of me growing up. Like waking up to an extent if there is something like that. Wondering about my humanity, the shutted off, the part of me I see as a monster, or, rather, identifies as a monster. Wounds and more wounds. tired, wanting to sleep forever in a peacefull way, releasing my final breath and yet knowing it all goes on. perhaps its a cursed life in a way. all things touched upon, rapidly surface, like, all the cliché's come to the surface.

I also never cry in front of people, its to vulnerable to me, I uphold an image, a mission. A responsibility that blocks me from people loving me. even if they love me, even if people love me, I am still feeling lonely, like a massive wall thrown up. I rather die and perish then letting come close to me. Its deepgrained. I fucking hate it and despise it, myself even to an extent. Im cursed.

It gives me physical tension headache aswell, starting after I had the cry fest yesterday when I released many tears, and now writing this aswell causes these headaches.

Embracing my more darker side. It expresses in rage, anger and violent lashing out. Its very turbulence yet I'm growing increasingly angry, intense and demanding aswell as emotionally cold in ways. My morals are also stripped aware and the short fuse is back at it. Not a clue where it will end. My thoughts turn rather extreme.

Also, I'm hellbent on individualism. Catching up at some old TVD episodes. Guess it triggers me a bit. To be dependent on externals for financials for example makes me very cocky arrogant and feeling entitled like I cant any longer. It feels undermining my growth. Also, more purging and surfacing of feelings and the roots. I dont care, even introverted perhaps but my cockiness. It seems sort like a stage. Embrace. Release pressure of it. Surface naturally.

A big thing is, Im getting angry among "friends" ( perception shift ) and it feels good. Its like a build up sequence like some few days ago. It grew somewhat more and more heavy and emotion but anger and focus remained, the rest sort of sunk in the dark. They sensed it. Strongly backing off. Perceptions are a thing aswell as someone who seem to shift perceptions easily, worldviews which is confusing. It boils down to honoring and self respect.

Big things in store for me. Soar high. Live. Always getting to new goals. Releasing myself and becoming flowing goals myself. I am the embodiment of mission and life myself. For everything is something to say, only to now run with the wolves and stand at times in pride in blood soaken fields. Embrace the animal side

edit1: I dont know what it is with this sub but I have surreal flareups, going from cold, predatory, to depressed. Its almost like a cycle and it gets really freaky when I set intent to understand myself, and this intent blends along. Like, coming in contact with my animal side, I feel my body morphing weith fangs and claws. It is slightly freaking me out. It makes me remember about my perception shifts in which I started to understand how much projection there was taking place, and how quickly some "try-out"have become dysfunctional habits. maybe its a modus of operation, maybe its some waking hallucination/lucid visualisation stuff, but it does give me one hell of a headache and makes me tired and worn down.

I also discovered negative financial beliefs, which explains my spending habits and drive.

All I see is my world into flames like some centuries old war going atround me. I feel simultaneously hightened in my senses, like a force forcing me down currently, yet slight hints of euphoria. I have a hard time looking people in the eyes, so it might be tied to inner turmoil/healing/introversion/inwards vision demand.

So, it turn out I have lots of mental stuff coming up and I feel actualy grounding back in my body. Its that sexy, seductive, Lawless kind of presence of being wild at heart, of being sexy without agenda and seducing where I go. I feel also way more mature and masculine in the sense that IDGAF at all about anything, and this translates in an open world for me. I did read Chaos's reply in shannon's journal about being pioneers and human evolution, and this makes snese. I feel increasingly sexy and sexual by the minute, growing and expanding, and dont care about mental masturbation. Its as if layers are melted away and bedroom seduction in combination with this is a killer.

What I do realize is how much we base on externals and how much self amused mastery can bring out a cockiness in me for just fun and gigles, and biting the bullet is a choice in that. I still at times when, for example, am at the checkout of the grocery store, I have no clue what to do, how to carry myself, which makes me fidgety. Confidence, self-esteem and groundedness is a thing, and it might be rooted in internal fears. Its not exactly discomfort, or it might be, but a lack of self sense and direction probably.

Winking, playing aorund, being un-apologetic in my sexuality and what not for the sake of self amusement and being the shit is there, I have glimpses of whats beneath, and the uninhibited cockyness as I experienced before, but it seems to be covered lots. Also, the rationalizing, oushing away of feelings is still taking place in internal dialoge at times, like, I dont allow myself to clear it out for some reason, I experience a upward spiral as of now and am concerned to much still for my taste. There is gold here and gold there. It simply is, climax.

To come back at TVD, from Klaus I went to Elijah, back to damon. Its a matter of time before those images internally are shattered aswell, to become even more real. I do wonder at times if Am is agressive enough to polish me into the man I want to be and is able to clear out fully as where I want to be. I simply want to be, IDC aas much about mission now, rather about being present and being this, letting the sub overwhelm me positively.

Listening to some music, and my seduction skills become strongly on point in this, next goal is tpo have it continuously on a loop of being solid in this, being seducer of the world, yet simultaneously being able to pull the switch on will. Other hand, my presence seem to be of incredibly high status and need to catch up on that, as I definitely have results going about it, including the girl with the great boobs, which she seem to bring stronger to my attention.

To come back at it, and, damn, my writng feels so good, is to NGAF at a extent, people swoon over me by my sheer presence and IOI's or not, I simply have options, I want this sense crystalized in me, solid, being the king I am ment to be and owning, claiming and dominating my domain. being a force of nature, like a high status value alpha male.

Simply no GSf is what I want, being fearless and living my life full potential without being stiffled. I know the potential is there, surely! Like a tree, branching out with countless oppurtunities. I want to be the one in demand without warming up or "get into state", just a continuously being into state, being sexual and shameless/fearless/guiltless. It gives an sense of calm to me writing this out, like a new chapter of evolution.

been thinking aswell about my last few days, and the hallucigenic nature of experience, perhaps I channel something like something shamanistic, IDK. Now, realease and unleash me. Im there, I know I am. connection to music, party music and seks music really brings great qualities out of me. Now, if this is down, I also might aswell further establish my empire. TBH, I feel like being stripped down, brought to the pit, rock bottom, only to be re-build.

Music that does it for me, is the slight going down music, with a immolation taint to it, like, shits about to go down, fuck the world, bubble creating. hypnotic gaze is also something I desire to have more consitent. And it seems all to be a case of catching up. Shocked about my bodylanguage at times, how i look nowadays. yes, my fucking mirror image turns me the fuck on, even touching my body is something magical nowadays, like a warm sure thing. Out of this world even, even blinking is sexy as fuck, in my mind its like a seks magnet flare up energy moving upward.

A whole well is touched upon of several things in my subconscious and sheds clarity, clearness and greatness. Now, I might actually blend into the crowd, standing out seems to come ( partly ) from a sense of lack of confidence. Pretty content with that, not needing to be all unique and shit, rather, this is already covered. so much to catch up on, its insane.

Im starting to get so cocky that I reject all reading and improvement beside the sub perhaps Im being bare stripped to the bone/core. Its a mere existing now only to branche deeper. Im also incredibly depthfull now, like, its a rabbithole and no-one might actually figure me out fully. Like taking a sudden new turn.

Mad IOI's including lip licking, tongue exposing, eye fucking. I feel like a king. No-fap day 6 currently.

If I full let go I feel like blending with the universe. I start to sense aura's. Im sexual attractive no matter what. Its no point of focus. I can be totally savage. Kick in approach now. Huge entitlement.

Im starting to understand the having it now feeling and sense.

I flip script effortlessly which boost arrogance. Arrogance might be a trait working against me but IDGAF about it. It occupies and demands me.

Messy but simultaneously out of this world. Will is pushing me exceptionally. Drove to the gym this morning and it was snowing. Mindset shifted directly. Unstoppable. I now let go of all. Fear is released. Next up guilt and shame. Already targetted. Its mindblowing.

It meets with a certain sadness to know the current disinterest/blockage work related. Big changes ahead and happening. This current state might die again.

Horny as fuck. Sticking and staying with it now. Im a fucking king. Full on individualistic and flying.

Im feeling slightly trigger happy as in; dangerous. Why this surfaces IDK but this can easily become abusive in ways. It gives me also a slight thrill to allow this to come. Its like a washing over, overwhelming urge in a predatory sense. It can be a combo of indulgement, non smoking and no fap but this is definitely a switch I make now. In ways its also somewhat adrenalizing. Combination of factors. Also, if this is a stage, I let it run wild. Several scenarios do play out in my mind. To become more and more free from GSF really comes with a certain territory.

I had this also come around when my trauma came freshly to the surface, almost like a homicidal coping mechanism, pre-AM. There is power in this. No bs tolerance. Its coming in waves of jolts and powerfull surges. I still do care to much of what people think aswell as some consideration in my mind holding me in some checks. What I do realize is how its all ME. no-one else but ME. Glorious. AM is purely me and my developing in this at all. Becoming this centred soevereign leader and driven man writing and creating his own life. I have so many new questions popping up currently throwing me in some new adventure. Plunging in. Im no nice guy, I feel edgy, rather deranged and very strong in calling out unafraid to confront and if needed, become more intimidating through eye contact without breaking it.

I can't wait to have strong dreams tonight. There is still shame in my system. Had guilt coming up aswell including some tearing today out of nowhere without reason. Suprised I do actually feel.

Raw is my state today. I realize there is guilt and shame in admitting homicidal tendencies and dont need to have that GSF. Just recognizing it but tempting. Feeling it in my solar plexus.

Edit: the overwhelm is growing really strong it shuts my mind down yet simultaneously grows me in ways unseen. Its somewhat grounding and shoving me in my body. Damn, I realize now connecting with my senses and instincts and how much potential is there. The wave coning over me including the subtle homicidal shifts is massive and familiar yet molds me, shapes me, polishes me. This second run is so much more powerfull, addictive and changing me then the first. I surrender once again. I just want to grow this rapid. Dig all up, IDC, grow me. Each new perspective launches me in new ways above and beyond.

Dealing with 2 different urges is definitely something. Non smoking and no fap. It enhances me.it makes me feel sure. Having the occasional shifts going on including visualisation that pops up such as my smoking habit. Its like slipping into that "world" Also, getting more easy to terms with manifestation and how easy. Like a "why not?" Kind of attitude.

Start reading pook and the mill.
Fell asleep last night in total overwhelm horniness and thoughts that this sub is incredibly powerfull mind-wise speaking, till the point thinking it might be even to powerfull.

I feel very edgy, like, I know I can be this unattached person in life, fully imposing frame and being whatever and whoever I want to be. Incredibly cocky aswell.

Unable to go out is killing to me and I wish to explore the world. Even now, if the world is about to end it would phase me. I can say I'm in a bubble but I am not.

Encountered again some feelings of worthlessness and tragedy today. Very introspective yet now IDC. im getting to my longest no-fap streak and notice socially im also getting less caring and more playfull. My knowing of options grows solid and somewhat tones me down. It even consists of knowing women are attracted anyways to me, on a subconscious deep level. More garbage removal will in turn bring me to new places. It shows in my body language and enables me to hold my gaze longer. Like some few days before these 2 milfs threw glances and I realized it instantly. It feels healthy to have this realized. Im a sort of edgy animal as I see it now, think Damon cocky mode and full realized. Today my internal dialoge went also more intense. I revisited some childhood places mentally, relived them and indulged in them a bit. It was met with excitement and a theme of AM to re-collect my childhood places. Less seduction focussed. More knowing already. Not wondering but knowing. Bite that bullet boy.

Also thought about feeling dead at some point this evening. Felt somewhat shrugging my shoulders about it like having this body and stuff and how I carry it around. LOL. now writing this amuses me to a extent like haha.

The last couple of days about not having my mission and not caring about seemed to be rooted in procrastination and avoidance on a more deeper level. I experienced some ease and blending with reality in a sense that I became reality and congrugent with it which was mindblowing. Now I had a idea come up to become a psycho-therapist. The point is; im still at times to much empathic and 'living to understand' other views which messes me up. This seems to root in confidence and self esteem. A trail I picked up along which has time to ingrain into my being.

My style and clothing gets more congrugent aswell.

Another was my essence like a almost split up identity on its own. Cold, calculating, almost bordering predatory and very much dark and lack of any care in the world. Somewhat zen but similar to 'humanity switch' in TVD. it had a voice and way of its own. Then my mind somewhat fought over between several thoughts. If I would let go it could take the reigns. Fear? IDK. It had ways of it own.

Current situation is getting me more fed up. Im growing leaps and bounds, elevation already strikes. I want a legacy to build. Self governing and direct manifesting skills. Not gonna doubt AM helps lots with this even if Im now experiencing some sort of back set in this in terms of internal and mental activity but it somewhat sucks to not burst forward and already being there. Think about introspection and pushed into this place. I truly like my rebellious spirit in this. Never satisfied. Slowing down has its value and purpose to look deeper and greater stuff is to gain from that. All addictions fall away. Somewhat pridefull atm and amazed.

I need a drink.

Im scared. I dont want to be always this hardened. These walls. I want to be connected with my soft side. Tears rolling. I finally break. Guess thats it. Im scared shitless to be vulnerable and allow to be cared for, to an extent of caring for myself aswell, honouring. Im scared shutless to show it. Like an ingrained belief of being weak yet deep down I want to be loved, cared for. Touching on this kid version of myself. Its throwing me in a loop.

Edit: I feel lighter instantly.

I feel nothing. Cold, present, bantering, but overal its contentment I guess. Just a badass vibe. Transcending everything and simply in my own ground, almost serious. Letting autopilot doing its thing and just giving green light for everything to ooze. No overthinking, just running the sub. Aware of creating my own life, world and reality is a great thing. Strong gaze. Self supported and validated aswell as cheered on by my inner cheerleaders.

Its like something has been shutted off/released. I would say I feel almost normal. Rebellion comes out more aswell as no single fucks given about any programming from whatever source. Stage 5 seems finally to take off/hit off only to bring me above and beyond. I easily fall into powertrips and hype yet being a sexy male is what I am.

Nothing really is a point of focus. I let the sub being and guide me with a smirk on my face. Its beautiful to feel this ease and purity. If it makes me psycho so be it. IDGAF. Operating from a rather bodily point then a mental point. I do question being human. Humbling yet easy definition collection rooting in beliefs. If I transcend this I dont even have a clue what I am. It simply is over-human/something else. How crazy it may sound I might aswell forge whole new self image including something new. Aphex. Even if it doesnt seem rooted in the collective agreement/normal/reality its none of my concern. Blast of into new territory.

Also, its all on me and only me at this point. Sacrifice cross my mind to grow further and replace with more fruitfull cosmic scale changes and grandiosity hit me. To become something awholly new. Pushing this does slightly feel dangerous in the sense I can cross certain lines without remorse. I just am so elevated now I see the restrains of so many things. Keeping an eye on the rules of society or it will be disadvantage to me. I crave freedom in so many ways.

Status: feeling criminal, centred and fly. Crushing it. The power of forging a new path dawns harder then ever. Inhuman feeling and nothing. Shut off and primal drive yet very arrogant mocking cockiness like I ridicule.

So I have these patterns coming up again about being still different from home and let's say "out of the house" it fuells my anger by the minute and it takes some efoirt to not just smash a hole in the fucking wall and throw my phone across the fucking room. Im so done with these issues, with these fear actions, responses and 'preserving the peace' which aint peace preservance, but avoidance coping mechanisms amd shit. Crossing over even seems to much. Fuck that shit. Im like a animal in the cage. I feel like a ghost of what I once was. My mission and clarity feels like its down the drain. My whole life feels like going to shit.

Raised my voice today and I almost broke like it unlocked something and released something. I feel far from where I want to be and even from where I was. I feel my heart is torn apart and everything else with it.

Also power demand and respect. I want it. Clarity. Enormous anger issues surface atm.

Fml.

Ps: I feel still like running at times, also, I miss something and I can't even pinpoint it at all, like a gaping hole in my mind/heart, something once was there but my mind/memory throws a blank.

I seem to be in a state of total war and violently unrooting. Interesting part; I have feminist beliefs and programming surface, something very deep, along side a massive headache. Not complaining tho, just observing in a rather calm way. IIn ways, males are inspiring as leaders, not women. its the bullshit I start to see clear, including at some appointment today. It goes as far as me becoming more polarizing and seeing it as a childish attempt, which is in like with the book of pook and the mill. Starting to get very traditional, or rather, seeing a more black and white role, putting myself as male above it naturally. This women just lacked vision and inspiration, it was even somewhat embarrasing to notice the stumblings and emotional impulsiveness. Sigh.

My interest in women is totally removed, or, atleast on a grand scale, Im solely in this life for myself, and doing so, making myself the centre, this can leak out in all other areas, Im the picker, the chooser. Again, somewhat fighting over self talk shit, like "I have work to do on attraction"vs "this will become a belief while it doesnt have to be true" Very tiresome.

I want to fly and thrive. I know I can and its there, the occasional glimpses are there and have already taste this. It all seem lots of garbage surfacing, like lumps and packages of collection of beliefs. Like a temporary state. had my sense of mission, leadership and allignment back yesterday evening, which seems to be good.

Writing down such things as -- "A" showed some submissive behaviour today, even when feeling totally shit and inward turned-- feels incredibly needy and beta. like, who gives a shit, its not about women and reflects beta scarcity. Although she was hot, its destroyed further. something that keeps popping up everyt time.

cant wait to have my monogamous beliefs eradicated and being replaced with abundance mindset.

Edit: I feel the compulsion of writing this RIGHT NOW, which pops up and is AM guiding me strongly. RIGHT NOW the thought pops up of "I am a badass" which is lucid! Deal with it. Hear hear!! The vertigo is well worth it. Happy af. Pure freaking ruthless I want to be where I am as I now envison it like a freaking wormhole like stargate. Yet right now the world is burning and let the roar out. Envison this fully liberated guy. All other images in the past were rooted in escapism. Face right now face to face. Allowing it. Ingrain in the root and stop thinking. Rather...feel and go beyond that. The shifts are massive and fast. What is now is old. Already there. Catch up!

Also, am aware of a block, a hurt, something Obvious rooted in hurt and trauma. let it be and melt away. Paying attention to it brings me on the verge. Wondering whats more of there. not ocussing on it, rather let it be instead of making more of it as it is, somewhat assured in all of this. connecting with people on a more physical level. its there, o yes it is there, triggered by bringing up the scenarios of closure in many ways.

day 30

I feel confident sexual and worthy. An deeper trust in myself. Shift in attention is way more easy and I feel lots of what surfced is melting away. Also, autopilot seems to kick in more, and I clearly sense some sort of forcef9ield around me, like a separated entity, but its me. Which is great. I feel pretty much out of this world, attractive, at ease and very much aroused. had some strong urges today yet am on nofap day 15 currently, longest streak as of now.

I do realize that I'm socially already good, and that my focus and interest/inner drive is somewhat in the centre of it all, like a piercing laser. Deeper trust and trusting it all to develop along the way further.

Again, addictions drop away. Its easy to quit them. Porn, smoking, internet addiction, I am inclined to live and to follow up my goals and dreams. Been thinking of what Sarge writes about hate/anger state, and there is something about it which makes sense to me. It does set me free in other ways considering that. made me think about how its realness, and some sort of NGAF, aswell as non logical attraction on its primal level. Its what it is on a basic level.

manifestations do happen, I keep encountering it all over again each time when shit hits the fan and I accept it as a given. there is no reqason to worry and this gives a relief.

Validation seeking is slowly being purged out and thrown out of the window.

Are you gonna go for a third run soon?

I am considering running it a 3rd time as I know there is still huge benefits to gain from this program. Still, stage 6 is still to come. Reasons for running it: deeper alpha ingrainment, deeper programming, more removal of garbage, more solid results desired, financial clearness and building up stronger will aswell as becoming more solid assertive and self centred. I suspect it was AM6 programming that led me to the desire to run it a 3rd time. Set and forget mentality, becomming the embodiment of the program itself.

reasons for switching to other programs: wanting new programming. Runned Am6 2 times after this, the journey has been rough and amazing, but I'm also getting aware of a stronger fundament to run, for example, SM3. In other ways, I feel slightly to much rerserved. Yes, Am6 is an internal journey mostly, growth and all of that, but in some ways I feel missing out in terms of attraction and further development, kind of bleak. Like, I desire something more/else at this point. AM6 is still the right choice at this point.

I want to evolve in other areas, which is an result of AM aswell.