Day 4
I'm less interest in facebook. After first AM6 run, I deleted my FB old account. Remember that was a happy time, When I looked around, seeing people always on their phone, they look like victims are being controlled, and I felt like a king. I created an account again to join a group in my design class. Connected with new people, they are more positive, and yes, I learned a lot from them on their posts. But there is side effect, I started to fall back to seeking validations and approvals behavior, look for likes to feel good. Look back it is like a cycle, which repeated over each run but bring me to a new level of freedom. I am at level 1, AM gives me some mushrooms, I'm bigger and finish it. Jump to level 2, and so on.
Now I know why Shannon recommended us to run through whole 6 stages each year. The world around is always updated, like FB, many people there, they learn and do research about our behaviour everyday, they try to release things, make it more convenient, stunning, to keep us using it. We can't live outside of it, so reconnect back to ourselves is essential for knowing what we really need and want.
I start to see the difference between the guy who tell about it versus the guy who actually live it. And there is a pattern behind the word "report". Sounds like wanting to take some compliments, admirations, or approvals. Pp when they really enjoy what they do, they don't report, they share. They feel enough so they share. My close friend is annoying me, he keeps telling what he do at his work.
Many things is flooding in my head, want to write it down, but my English slows it. Quite frustrated.
Does anyone here study at lynda.com? it is good site for self-learning skills. Sitting passively in class is boring to me. They have design videos in different learning paths way, it helps me as newbie a lot. I have a similar idea for sub. Many new guy come here will take a lot of time in reading journals for a decision. Or take recommend from the previous users. And It's not easy to find back the value posts, answers that Shannon already explain. Graduated AM, SM, WM men are busily living their lives, so ask and wait for their answer is not easy too.
With me AM6 is great now, I think that in AM7 just should add some scripts for users really follow the whole instruction, and let us know how many hours to add at the end of each stage, sometime I forget it.
[S2 - Day 8]
Sub is digging deep. The first time I research about government and political things, and see many things behind the curtain. I always avoided this kind of things before, it sounded bored. But now I must look into it. Feel like a chaos. I understand why people here have complained about this. I have always believed in it. But now many lies unfold. Quite shock. Now, the belief of pp in government is so low. I don't know what said here violate some rule or not. My country is in danger, as a different country is secretly attacking us. Whole picture is clearer. My mind is showing proofs and telling to stop what i am doing. It tells me "what ever you try, you can't change anything, things you build, it will be lost. Look!". I ask my father and related men in family, and the things they said, I can feel what I think is right.
Just book a room for five days in a small province. It has good weather, and quiet. Seem a place that resonate with me. I want to see if I can live there for long term. Friends and family tell me that's not a wise choice, that only retired pp go there, and it's no chance for work or money. But who knows. If it seems not bright, I will look for another country.
[S2 - Day 14]
Today is the fourth day I have been in the province. I really enjoy living here, quiet, cool weather and the price is good. People here is quite passive and it is hard to find a job here, but I see some chance to do business. Tomorrow I will come back home, quite sad but it need more preparation to stay here. At least some money.
Sub is letting me see how passive I have been. I tend to let people choose the dynamic, let them go first and set the stage. Not initiate but wait for other to start first. It's something I'm proud of before, that I have the flexibility, and I move like water. Now I see it's some kind of fitting in or being reactive. Start to have some thoughts about what kind of pp I want to work with, place I want to live, who I want to hanging out.
Have a shift of thinking. What is me made of? A little meat, some bones, mix together with water. That thought make me more easy-going than before. But I also start to think I am the prize. I'm fucking awesome. Why? All the things that I do for myself, that I keep improving myself day by day, facing my fear, step out of my comfort zone. What another else I can be? I'm unique, I'm a special meat, so girls, come to eat me.
Fear of death is coming back. Heard so many things about war. Today my teacher literally said "Do whatever you are planning to do, our country will be changed soon, and we will have no chance to do it". It is quite terrible hearing that. The positive thing i could think about this is living like there is no tomorrow. From now on. We don't know whatever will come up tomorrow. I go on the street and boom, I die, who knows. Look like the sub is give me reason to live fully, to do the things that I still keep in my mind, things that I hesitated to do.
I go out and do the masculine intent exercises about approaching girls, and I see I become more calm than ever, like any judgement can't affect me anymore and rejection too. The mindset that I could control 10% of things, which is just myself, start to install. Letting a lot of urge to control, to have specific responses of girls, of pp, actually made me feel more free. Yes, they have their choices, their own mindset, their feeling, who know at that moment they are sad and refuse. I think the word rejection affect much to our personalities. It was not rejection, and it has nothing to do to in saying who I am. If a girl refuses me, it does not mean she does not like me or I'm a loser, it just mean she haven't seen or felt how awesome I am yet, it takes time, and my job is patiently teach her, lead her to see who I am. If she doesn't see it, she lost the awesome time being around me.
Will do the exercise one more time to see what happen.
Interesting. Are you going from the Masculineintent book or videos?
I read the book and brought the videos but haven't looked at them. It's about honest expression which E2 is leading me towards so i've been a little curious to revisit his stuff as it may make more sense to me now.
(08-15-2016, 05:42 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]Interesting. Are you going from the Masculineintent book or videos?
I read the book and brought the videos but haven't looked at them. It's about honest expression which E2 is leading me towards so i've been a little curious to revisit his stuff as it may make more sense to me now.
I did the Skype coaching with Chris Bale. I have read the book and videos before, it brighten me, but without doing exercises, I forgot the things it said. The interesting thing is the more using AM the more I see his stuff resonated with me, and it brings me back to do the exercises again. Optimus Engine, I think.
I could see that my mind, my old self is trying to hold myself back. It said what ever I do, I could not have the life that I want. I use subliminal, that I'm hacking, I will lost my ear. Everything that happens now, it just temporary. The internet will break down, you will lost computer, all the sub and you will come back to your old life, so don't try.
Have a similar pattern with ffaux journal. Fear of success, of to be a winner. I go out to play PES with close friend, and my skill have improve a lot. I can credit it to AM, it improved my awareness so I played it better. I almost win, but have a thought that what will happen if I win. My friend is a guy who quite childish, the result in a small game could make him argue. So I stepped back. Not win all matches, but a little. It was like, "I know how good I am, that enough". We play game for fun so why take all the win. This is just a game. I'm not sure this is self-validation, do not need extenal outcomes, or it just a sign that me still a nice guy, a guy who put his life after other's to be safe and perceived as good. Am I lying myself that I have self-validation? Not sure.
Self-worth script is kicking in. Detect and refuse the thing my friends and pp try to put me down in their jokes. Point it out or just walk away. I used to have thoughts that those friends were manifested to me during AM6, I see them as value friends, as brothers, and I tent to accept their jokes as funny things, "they make joke because we are close friends..." I think. But now, I see it as a BS, nonsense behaviour, nothing funny I could found out in their jokes. A guy keeps trying to put me down to raise his value in his gf's eyes. Do I find it fun? No. Is it a valuable thing? Hell no. Does it my time worth spending for him? It's up to him. But now, no!
I have a similar thing with my friend where when girls are around he tries to subtly put me down :Z.
He is insecure and feel threaten. That's all I can see.
(08-26-2016, 09:24 PM)Renaissance_of_Juan Wrote: [ -> ]Self-worth script is kicking in. Detect and refuse the thing my friends and pp try to put me down in their jokes. Point it out or just walk away. I used to have thoughts that those friends were manifested to me during AM6, I see them as value friends, as brothers, and I tent to accept their jokes as funny things, "they make joke because we are close friends..." I think. But now, I see it as a BS, nonsense behaviour, nothing funny I could found out in their jokes. A guy keeps trying to put me down to raise his value in his gf's eyes. Do I find it fun? No. Is it a valuable thing? Hell no. Does it my time worth spending for him? It's up to him. But now, no!
The same I begin to notice as of late aswell with some of my friends, especially with the sexual part, Last time the energy in the air turned very negative. Its really rubbing me the wrong way and see the dysfunctional beta behaviour in them pretty strongly.
It's like a circle, repetition pattern of sub. I have similar thoughts in previous runs, before it manifested some situations that my friend and pp act that beta behavior when girls attracted to me while around them. I saw a part of my beta-old-self in them. So I had an empathy and told myself to step back, not show up, to keep the relationship and everything "normal". This run is pointing it out again to tell that I am holding myself back.
About my friend, when I check out his gf, she 's cute, nice ass, he said something like "why look at her so long?". Fuck that. BS. It made the air feel weird, I wanted to say "she's cute, why ask". But I felt he is uncomfortable, so just leave. But next time, if he say something like this again, I will give a fart.
Exactly in my run aswell. The sub pushes me to face it, and I hold back for the same reasons, tho I have escalated before with her and she is constantly touchy, bitchy, whatever, seeking validation towards me, to the point of using "we" when talking about whips and stuff ( 50 shades of grey talk )
About the beta stuff, its like self sabotaghing and making constant negative remarks from them, like a desperate acting out of holding it in/supressing, causing some thick negative vibe in the entire room, causing me to get confrontational, shut off any connection with them at all and just generally iritated.