This state that im partially in is kind of weird. A part of me doesn't care that I might have bombed an interaction with a girl , fear of being perceived as creepy and or not being accepted, but there is also another side that is also very concerned and protective of my ego that doesn't want to get hurt.
In this spirit of this feeling, I msged and a girl about her singing and instrumental abilities but she left me on seen.
When to an asian night market style event today and i saw a super attractive dancer among her set. I wanted to approach her but i would be opening a 6 set....
Even thought i had alot if fun in this event there was a hidden feeling out being alienated. I cant seem to put a name to this feeling.
Socializing is like a drug. I feel awesome in the moment but when its over i feel awful. Wish i can make that happy feeling part forever internally.
Went out again with a group of people from a club with no specific intention of picking up girls or anything. The entire intention is to have fun and I achieved that goal fairly well. Me and the group of people went to a bowling alley and played a game. I lost by a wide margin but I had lots of fun so I didnt really care. One girl was playing and she wasn't doing very well. I have her pointers and she ended up beating everyone afterwards. It was cool to help someone out but the thing that irked me was my need to be recognized as the person that helped her. A part of me wanted to her to say thanks you to me for helping her out. I felt needy and wanted validation. Of course she didnt give me it but now I feel fine about it now.. I met this one girl that wasn't physically my type but the way she acted was very attractive to me. When she saw a shooting game in the arcade, she totally flipped her s***, as in she got really hyped and crazy.
Keeping up with the intention of the night, I talked with everyone and made some cool friends with these people.
As for the girl who left me on seen, I let go my attachment to her now after about 2-3 days which is a good time because I used to get hung up about girls for much longer. My rational is similar to those that of my trust. I give them an set amount of interest and they reciprocate then we can become cool friends or something. If not then its going to be a very surface level if anything at all. Find the cool people that are willing to invest in you and cut your losses for those who wont.
Approached a girl today because she was playing some cute cat game. Got blown off immediately probably because today wasn't the cleanest day of my life. Funny how I wasn't fazed by it.
Fapping and porn killed my sociability and spikes my neediness. Learned my lesson but its going to one h*** of a time quitting that.
Day 23
Today was rough. I felt intense pain when i see couples now. My body language says silent alpha but my energy sig or vibe if you will spells intense pain. Its the type of pain that makes me want to do something drastic. First was tempting me to go cut myself and as im walking to a spot to sit, and type this out, i feel like ending it all. I dint know what the f*** is going on.
Instead of envying couples, turn it around and feel happy for them. The shift of mentality is amazing.
(04-15-2016, 04:27 PM)wolverine_i_am Wrote: [ -> ]Instead of envying couples, turn it around and feel happy for them. The shift of mentality is amazing.
After the emotional vomiting, i saw an oldfriend and the interaction brought me back to my normal self. Now my body language is much stronger than before.
(04-15-2016, 04:27 PM)wolverine_i_am Wrote: [ -> ]Instead of envying couples, turn it around and feel happy for them. The shift of mentality is amazing.
I had this thought but i guess my subconscious didnt really believed it. So there was a conflict that boiled over and i needed to expel it. Thus the hot minute of emotional energy.
Day 26
Trying to forge the discipline in work and studying. Applied to Pomodoro technique and it helps a bit. Now to form the habit...
I was talking to a very close friend of mine and after the interaction, I realized that I have been pushing people away from getting to know me. I think it is an Ego-preservation tactic that wants me to stick to my old identity of being unable to socialize and connect with people. It is the voice in my head that tells me that I don't fit in, that I'm a loser, etc.
Day 28 of Stage 1
Body language is on point most of the time. Head up chest up is the mantra. the transition is natural and despite some body insecurities I still practice confident body language.
Recently I feel more sociable and the little things don't bother me anymore.
My vocal projection is shaky. Some days it is loud and assertive and some days it is the old quiet me.
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Despite stuttering a lot during a phone interview, I was informed that I am getting a face to face interview in 2 days. Hopefully the AM confidence manifests.
A switch flipped or something and I became much more social today compared to another. I was talking to one girl and then transition to another. Most of them are friends so there is some form of being relaxed.
Also changed from speakers to in-ear headphones. That might have increased the power of the subs effects, but I am still on stage 1 though.
Had a interview for a sales position. I had voodoo on and when i was talking about my experiences, i was somewhat more free flowing in the converstation and i was able to be relatable with her. At the end of the interview, she asked the standard interview questions and i was nervous yes but i started speaking with the intent of being authentic with her and myself.
Her: "Are you willing to put 100%?"
Me: thats a weird question. - the urge to be authentic kicks in and i formulate my answer".
I was vulnerable because it is such an easy question to automatically say. I explained my hesitation and uneasiness to her.