Subliminal Talk

(05-16-2016, 09:33 AM)Dzemoo Wrote: [ -> ]Props for this and for the realization

Well, I don't think it's that big of an achievement, on the second run of AM those ideas are embedded well into oneself. What I'm proud of is that I wasn't holding onto her. 99,9% of people would say she is of greater value than me and so one would think I would be needy towards her and try to keep her. Instead I treated her with respect, gave her all the chances I thought she deserves (we were trying for almost 3 months, with some breaks), but enough is enough. I'm friends with her now, we talk a lot now and I intent to keep it that way. And even though part of me wants to keep trying I won't try because I know it will end the same way.

Stage 4 is being hard on me so far, lots of anxiety due to my break-up and its consequences (I'm not proud of how it went and that our relations are really bad, but some things cannot be salvaged easily I guess), but mainly due to coming exams. I manage though, slowly getting over my problems.

I want "Develop An Aura Of Sexual Irresistibility", I want it soooooo much!!

I bought and tried AOSI for a night and I woke up exhausted. I felt like I was on a hangover, but after I got myself together I was able to do 6k walk, so it's not that bad. As to reaction I feel more alpha now, I saw slight change in my way of thinking and confidence. I might run it some more before dates or parties, but I'll focus on AM and losing weight for now.

Oh, and also while running AOSI I noticed I was able to do visualizations much better. I was more focused on them and I had more energy. I had no problems with falling to sleep, although I was waking up in the night and as I said I felt exhausted in the morning.

I feel awful these days. I thought it was due to exams, but those ended and I'm still very anxious and uneasy. I would say that it's because I'm still heartbroken, but it's not that and I can't quite put my finger on the source. Perhaps it's AM as I noticed this happening ever since start of stage 4 and growing ever since, but past stages were going smoothly so that's strange. It quite reminds me of my first AM run where I was having quite a mood swings and felt like shit all the time. Almost makes me wanna quit AM run, do a break and start other sub, but I know I have to run through all the stages so that's not an option.

I was running DAOSI twice or thrice to test it. I cannot give any reports as there was no opportunity to test it really, but I must say it's first sub that I feel affecting me while listening. Really my way of thinking changes, it's not really horniness, more like sexual confidence, hard to explain. After loop or two I do feel more confident and sexual, but again I didn't have much opportunity to test it and I don't want to listen to much of it not to screw my AM run. But once AM is done at the end of August I'm sure to jump on the DAOSI bandwagon.

I think I have figured out my problem right now. It took me some time (including 2 hours of failing to fall asleep) and some kilometers of walking zen meditation, but I got it. It's neediness. Somewhere along the way I lost outcome independence I had. After break-up and realization that things probably won't work out with next girl I had my eyes on (I feel I would be getting into quite a trap if I will pursue her) I feel like I have no options. And it's terrible feeling, if I felt like this a month back or so I wouldn't break-up with my ex. But something has changed and with seemingly no options and low confidence I feel like shit.

What can I do? Nothing really, just keep doing what I'm doing right now. If I were to talk to myself from half a year ago I wouldn't believe things I've done. But I've done them, experienced quite a bit and if past six months gave me so much experiences, who knows what next six months hold for me. I must embrace this feeling, this sadness right now because fighting it would only make things worse. But future is good, I'm certain of it.

(06-15-2016, 03:34 AM)yeah! Wrote: [ -> ]

(06-14-2016, 11:32 AM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]I feel awful these days. I thought it was due to exams, but those ended and I'm still very anxious and uneasy. I would say that it's because I'm still heartbroken, but it's not that and I can't quite put my finger on the source. Perhaps it's AM as I noticed this happening ever since start of stage 4 and growing ever since, but past stages were going smoothly so that's strange. It quite reminds me of my first AM run where I was having quite a mood swings and felt like shit all the time.

When did this resistance begin in the first run? If it was earlier than stage 4 I would guess that is a good sign, ie you have accepted all the programming up until this point.

I had a bad stage 3 and 4 and not sure what the rest of stage 5 and 6 holds.

Well, I don't really remember and I don't feel like running through my past journal, but the whole run was a mess, mainly because I was a mess at the time. I remember one day feeling like total shit and the next one light like a feather and joyful. Calling it emotional rollercoaster is an understatement. I've had bad moments during this run, but those were all in reaction to something in my life, mainly (but not always) due to better and worse moments with my ex. Other than that first 3 stages were very smooth though, with my confidence high and quite good outcome independence. I think there is some serious cognitive dissonance in me right now, maybe AM programming (like letting go of neediness and not letting others jump on your head) fights with seemingly hopeless situation of lack of options and general badness. Anyhow I will let the programming continue as I need to finish the whole set.

This may seem strange or cruel, but I almost think I need this sadness now. In the past it's always been a catalyst of change for me. Moments when I need to get some serious realizations and accept them, but also to change my believes and get a different outlook at some issues. If nothing ends, then nothing changes and end of something is always the beginning of something new. That's why I'm quite down, but I'm far from bitten. As long as I remember my purpose, my mission and that present and past do not dictate the future (as we like to assume, we project the future as if present would never change) I will be fine.

(06-15-2016, 01:39 PM)yeah! Wrote: [ -> ]Nice, thank you.

My experience and the way I feel on resistance is similar to a lot of what you have said here. I look forward to reading the rest of this run.

Thanks mate! I'm not really reading any journals since a long time ago (for many reasons), but it's good to know someone is following my adventures

I'm a little worried, I still have those mood swings and I even catch myself in a though of coming back to her, which is bad. My reason says definitively "no", but my heart is conflicted. That is to show I think how strong of a resistance I'm going through right now. While my conscious mind has no problem in accepting AM ideas, my subconscious someone tries to tell me that I'm not deserving and I'm not good enough and even if that makes no sense to do I should go and get back what I've lost. Well, my dear subconscious, I love you but you are wrong. You were with me when I was breaking up for all the good reasons, so stick with me now through thick and thin!

What's worse is that I'll be leaving for a week long camp this Saturday and I don't really want to entertain though of having to put up the brave face in there. I mean best case scenario is I will have fun with people and I will forget about my troubles, worst case I will be walking around the mountains and sit in my hotel room dying of anxiety. Oh well, we'll see.

Probably my last update up until end of the camp (unless I will be so bored writing here will cross my mind) and what a news! I know it's not much alpha, but I am to lazy to bother myself to shave and so I tend to grow my beard to quite a size and shave it to zero once a month or two. This morning I shaved as I prepare myself for the camp and OMG, I could recognize myself in the mirror. I lost a lot of weight recently (due to my conscious attempts, eating less and doing lost of walking) and it showed! My chin is much sharper now and overall I look more masculine. Awesome feeling really, it's hard to notice change during weight loss so it was great to notice it.



Here is my weight chart for the past year. My goals are not too strict, I'd like to weight 70kg by the end of the summer and 65 by the end of the year. Still I'm really proud of myself, it's probably the skinnest I've been since primary school! Of course my BMI is still above 25, but it used to be almost 30 so a long way!

Well, I have some time because I'm not partying tonight so I can post an update. It's half-way through the camp and my acclimatization period has ended, so I think I can report on my time here. And it's been surprisingly fun so far, not perfect but better than I expected. I still need to force myself into situations, but at least I can do that and I feel reworded for pushing my boundaries. I don't feel really relaxed around the people here, but neither did I close myself like it was happening in similar situations in the past. I know it might sound silly to many of you, but for me it really shows my development and increase in self-esteem.

Evolution, but not revolution.

I went up to the hills yesterday with intent to conquer highest peek out there. It wasn't a hard task, but I took a bad path and went through the forest trail. I had GPS so I knew I wouldn't get lost and I knew where the trail is. I decided to go with the trail as long as it lasted and hope to find the trail. I found it, but it was up beyond a very steep ascent. I tried to get it once, I failed. I tried second time, failed. I got my hands and boots dirty, I thought my feet would fall off from the fatigue of ascending and descending. I thought I will give up and get all the way down, but I found another way. And I did it! Tired and exhausted, dirty but exalted and happy beyond belief! I got through the steep hillside, through mad and wet leafs. I did it against all odds.

Of course it was only the beginning, I still had hilltop to conquer and another 8km or so of returning to the camp. But at that moment, when I ascended from the forest into the track, I felt more alpha than ever before. I was more alpha when I got myself a girlfriend or when I lost my virginity. I was more alpha than during what others would call my biggest triumphs. Because this is what being alpha is about, not getting pussy or proving others how successful you are. Being alpha is about conquering your weaknesses, your doubts and believing you can do anything. I could have lost hope and backtrack, but I didn't. I decided to press forward rather than to look back and it was probably the best experience of my life.

I came back home and started stage 5. And I must say, although I'm still a bit butthurt I got much more outcome independent from the get go! It's astonishing really. Even though nothing really changed in my life I don't feel needy anymore. I'm glad I endured stage 4 for if that continues stage 5 will be quite a pleasant experience.

DAOSI report incoming guys! I got invited to a birthday party to a bar so I decided to skip a day of AM for that.

Firstly my female friend asked me to go to the cinema with her on the same day out of nowhere. I'm not interested in her, she's not my type both in looks and character, but we are good friends. I had time before the party so we went there as well as for a beer before the movie. The funny thing is for some reason she decided to show me her professional bikini photos. Quite atypical for her.

The party was small, only 3 girls out of which the birthday girl came with her boyfriend. Had very nice conversations with her, but because she's taken I wouldn't do anything forward. What was important was that another girl gave me shitloads of IOI. She was kind of pretty and my type, but nothing really sexy and spectacular. She was also very shy, so she wasn't forward with her approach and it was hard to talk with her. But hey, apparently we went to the same high school so we have some easy topics to talk about if I decide to pursue her I'm still not sure if I'll do it, I'm not really that attracted to her, but on the other hand I could use some more practice with women so it sounds like a great opportunity.

I got a date with the girl from previous post, we just need to synchronize our schedules which might be tricky. Will keep you posted how this will turn out.

I've done my blood analysis and my testosterone is 566, slightly below average for my age but well within norms. I wonder if rising my testosterone would do me any benefits, I will talk about this with my doctor next week.