Stage 1 Day 26
I didn't write for some time now and reason is simple - I didn't have much to talk about. To be honest I'd not write this right now if not for the fact that I promised myself to update journal at least once per week. After all I use it to share my thoughts, but primary goal is to monitor my progress as time goes by. And how am I supposed to do that without any entries?
Stage nears it's end and it makes me almost sad. It seems that I finally got used to it, listening doesn't cause much resistance anymore and I finally got to work. I fear switching to next stage will make me strain again, getting used to again. Any experiences with that, guys?
I've had another dog dream tonight. This time it was my parents' little dog jumping over the fence and attacking 5 times bigger St Bernard. I was able to calm both of them, but once I'd stop caress them they would start fighting again. Why does maintaining peace require such effort?
Overall I feel better now. Very confused, but okay. I'm not sure where does this confusion come from, I think it's safe to say it's due to changing my believes. I'll have to interpret myself anew, almost from scratch. In other news it seems like my social skills improved a little and I feel much more confident, BS-proof and unapologetic. I got myself to train semi-regularly and even though it's mostly one series of push-ups and sit-ups per day it's some progress. I think I will join gym or something similar in February when exams will be over and I'll have lots of time. I'm anxious about this idea, but I know it's inevitable.
(12-13-2014, 03:02 PM)Mateunio Wrote: [ -> ]Stage 1 Day 1
Sometimes the hardest part of the adventure is beginning of it. I don't know how it will be here, but so far it's been quite hard. I feel exhausted mentally, unable to do anything useful and almost paralyzed with resistance. It was surprising for me because I didn't experience resistance with LTU for a couple of weeks and I thought transition from LTU to AM will be more or less easy. It isn't :/ AM seems strange. Maybe not unpleasant, but it's like a noise that makes it hard to concentrate. After 3 months LTU became familiar with me, soothing and almost pleasant. It almost makes me want to go back to LTU, but I don't think it would be good decision. I'll stick to this for at least a week, if sub will still fatigue me then I'll think of something.
2nd day here,
different experience for me. Not actually exhausted but I wast not able to sleep after waking up from the strange dreams.
But I am going full steam ahead.
(01-08-2015, 03:46 AM)Mateunio Wrote: [ -> ]Stage 1 Day 26
I didn't write for some time now and reason is simple - I didn't have much to talk about. To be honest I'd not write this right now if not for the fact that I promised myself to update journal at least once per week. After all I use it to share my thoughts, but primary goal is to monitor my progress as time goes by. And how am I supposed to do that without any entries?
Stage nears it's end and it makes me almost sad. It seems that I finally got used to it, listening doesn't cause much resistance anymore and I finally got to work. I fear switching to next stage will make me strain again, getting used to again. Any experiences with that, guys?
I've had another dog dream tonight. This time it was my parents' little dog jumping over the fence and attacking 5 times bigger St Bernard. I was able to calm both of them, but once I'd stop caress them they would start fighting again. Why does maintaining peace require such effort?
Overall I feel better now. Very confused, but okay. I'm not sure where does this confusion come from, I think it's safe to say it's due to changing my believes. I'll have to interpret myself anew, almost from scratch. In other news it seems like my social skills improved a little and I feel much more confident, BS-proof and unapologetic. I got myself to train semi-regularly and even though it's mostly one series of push-ups and sit-ups per day it's some progress. I think I will join gym or something similar in February when exams will be over and I'll have lots of time. I'm anxious about this idea, but I know it's inevitable.
keep pushing!
I shall push all the way good sir! I push hard and I push relentlessly. Thankfully something seems to emerge. And it's just the beginning!
Stage 1 Day 30
I've had two strange dreams today. I'm sure I've had more, but those two I remember well.
First one was that I was in some kind of hotel (reminded me kind of of place I was in this summer) and I wanted to go to the party there. On my way there I realized I didn't used any pheromones (I've bought some recently, but I didn't had chance to test them). When back in my room it was in disarray (it looked like it was the last day of the trip) and I couldn't find it, but roommate helped me out. Then I used it and went to party, where every single girl there was touching my butt or court me somehow. Group of 3 girls even seized me and said I'm a candidate for a fiance for forth girl and I was very curious to see her, but I didn't have chance to see her cause I woke up.
Wow, I must have high expectations toward pheros!
Second dream was more bizarre and I think I had similar one years back. I was Prime Minister of Poland and there was meeting of me and Presidents of USA (sorry Obama, you were replaced by some white jerk), Russia, France (which I was calling "De Gaulle") and UK. Obviously, there were also girls. I was apparently into one of them, but when it came to this she left to have threesome with USA and Russia. Sad I went to UK and made some agreement with him, but I have no idea what. Dream ended with me playing volleyball in one team with De Gaulle and he told me that Germany only wants to screw me over and that he cannot wait to see me at the meeting next year.
And no, I don't watch TV news anymore.
Anyone here knows something about dream reading and can interpret those? That might be actually fun, especially second one.
Keep on it, and dont let resistance take you. IF you feel weird dont worry, its doing his work.
At first it is hard to maintain yourself, with time you will develop discipline. This sub saved my life with respect to anxiety attacks that is why I have developed a "need" for it. So I have the security I wont give up or resistance wil ruin it.
(01-11-2015, 03:59 AM)rubman Wrote: [ -> ]Keep on it, and dont let resistance take you. IF you feel weird dont worry, its doing his work.
At first it is hard to maintain yourself, with time you will develop discipline. This sub saved my life with respect to anxiety attacks that is why I have developed a "need" for it. So I have the security I wont give up or resistance wil ruin it.
Thanks a lot for kind words
The worst of the resistance is over for almost 2 weeks now, but I worry how it will work when I start new stage this week. Since it is gradual progression I should be fine, but so I thought about LTU->AM. Oh well, for sure I have no intention to stop the program whatsoever, once I've started it I will go with it to the very end. Why bother with it otherwise?
(01-11-2015, 02:23 AM)Mateunio Wrote: [ -> ]Stage 1 Day 30
I've had two strange dreams today. I'm sure I've had more, but those two I remember well.
First one was that I was in some kind of hotel (reminded me kind of of place I was in this summer) and I wanted to go to the party there. On my way there I realized I didn't used any pheromones (I've bought some recently, but I didn't had chance to test them). When back in my room it was in disarray (it looked like it was the last day of the trip) and I couldn't find it, but roommate helped me out. Then I used it and went to party, where every single girl there was touching my butt or court me somehow. Group of 3 girls even seized me and said I'm a candidate for a fiance for forth girl and I was very curious to see her, but I didn't have chance to see her cause I woke up.
Wow, I must have high expectations toward pheros!
Second dream was more bizarre and I think I had similar one years back. I was Prime Minister of Poland and there was meeting of me and Presidents of USA (sorry Obama, you were replaced by some white jerk), Russia, France (which I was calling "De Gaulle") and UK. Obviously, there were also girls. I was apparently into one of them, but when it came to this she left to have threesome with USA and Russia. Sad I went to UK and made some agreement with him, but I have no idea what. Dream ended with me playing volleyball in one team with De Gaulle and he told me that Germany only wants to screw me over and that he cannot wait to see me at the meeting next year.
And no, I don't watch TV news anymore.
Anyone here knows something about dream reading and can interpret those? That might be actually fun, especially second one.
From my experience dreams are not something that are always related to something thing or some news that you came across recently. Some decate old shit can be dug out and shown on the screen (dream), so even if you had stopped watching TV or news there is not escape!
I had a funny dream while doing another sub. I beat the crap out of a jerk from my school days, yet I didn't brag about it and sat down on my chair, and my best friend came running to us to ask what happened, I just said 'nothing!' and I woke up. He never abused me physically but he was a rich guy, so he loved to make fun of how poor my parents are or the state of our rusty car etc. I never had any contact with him since the year 98.
I had this anger all contained within me for so many years and I totally forgot about it.
(sorry for the looooong example)
Its up to you to figure out the meaning, or my doubts are that the French President is hitting on you!
I like to interpret dreams as a messages from my subconscious. It's like stars. When awake sun (conscious) outshines the stars and they are not visible. Only at night, during sleep subconscious takes fully over and dreams are bizarre fragments of chain of thoughts one has during the night. It is uncontrollable (I'm not talking lucid dreaming here), but it is very important and if interpreted well it might give one important information. That's why I like to write about dreams here, maybe someone will help me find something in them which will make me understand my subconscious better. It's such a shame I have rarely any dream nowadays.
Sonata Arctica - Don't Say A Word Wrote:... The wounds are too deep,
I need to keep the scars
To prove there was a time
When I loved something more than life
Unlike the last time here,
I now have the means and a will sincere
Your knight is nowhere near
Unfortunate for you, this makes me your God...
Stage 1 Day 32
It's supposed to be the last day of this stage, but I'll continue it for at least another day as it would be to awkward for me to change all files in all my devices as well as I have to compensate for lost 2 days in December. So, next update will probably be summary of some kind.
I wanted to post yesterday because I saw my sweetheart in my Uni's corridor last evening. She is perhaps not the sole reason, but certainly the most important one why I'm here. I am very traumatized about her and even though it's all fine if I don't see her, seeing her somewhere or even her post on Facebook always brings me anxiety. And the same was yesterday, I felt empty, hopeless and shallow. I wished I could kill whatever it is that cares for her in me, even though I know I need to keep it as a lesson. I'm fine now however and I have little to no intention to whine over someone I might never have. I've whined enough already.
No dreams of note, at least none I can remember well enough. One snapshot I remember is that I was sitting on the chair and apparently my hair were 2 meters long. I realized something is wrong and I that it's a dream, and so I woke up seconds later. I think subconscious is telling me it's time to visit a barber shop
On the optimistic news now it seems like I control the frame now much better than I used to. It's like people listen to me and my suggestions more. It's hard to describe, really. But it leaves me optimistic for next stages to come.
Stage 1 Day 33
Stage 1 summary
And so tonight I will switch from stage 1 to stage 2. I'm really excited cause I hope to see real change now. Anyhow, I want to shortly summarize Stage 1.
Few sentences about usage first. I was listening to the masked track every night (expect 2) for 7-10 hours and first to masked and them ultrasonic during the day. For a couple of days I got as much as 18-20 hours, but most days I'd get 10 hours. I count 12 hours/day on average.
I didn't see much change in this stage, but I didn't expect to. Sole reason why I run LTU before AM was to prepare myself for AM, so stage 1 from definition should change much. In fact I noticed I've lost a lot of optimist that LTU gave me. But it's the only thing I miss. In exchange AM stage 1 made me more sociable, slightly more confident and outgoing. I became much more outcome independent and expect for my goals I don't care about unimportant things. These are not major changes however and no real breakthrough happened this stage.
Two worst thing I've eventually overcame but were giant pain in the arse were procrastination and fatigue. For first 2-3 weeks those were unbearable, I was able to do little to no work and I felt simply terrible. Thankfully that is behind me, though I fear it might come back with a new stage.
Good luck with the stage 2.
Stage 2 Day 1
Thanks Iceman for a good word
I'm sure I gonna enjoy it.
I must admit my fears were ungrounded. I feel fine today, I'm not tired or fatigued in any way. I feel a bit lost or confused, but mainly because first wave of ended yesterday and I finally can have some rest from studying. By confused I mean I don't know what to do with myself. But once I find myself something to do, I'm able to do it and do it well.
I've had very strange and I think important dream tonight. I think it's not a coincidence it happened at the first day of a new stage. I don't remember many details, but I remember I was sitting and talking to my sweetheart I was mentioning already. It felt like I was the one with higher value there and I didn't care too much that she's there. If I felt anything to her, it was disdain and regret. For nothing I can remember what we talked about, which is a shame.
" In fact I noticed I've lost a lot of optimist that LTU gave me. But it's the only thing I miss."
It would appear that the "ego balancing" is doing something...