36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4 Wrote:Yes, I know. The slave labor of the senses is as selfish as polar ice, and worsens when energies are spent on a life others regard as fortunate. To be a ruling king I will have to suffer much that cannot be suffered, and to weigh matters that no astrolabe or compass can measure.
36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 15 Wrote:You alone, though you come again and again, can unmake him. Whether I allow it is within my wisdom. Go unarmed into his den with these words of power: AE GHARTOK PADHOME [CHIM] AE ALTADOON. Or do not. The temporal myth is man. Reach heaven by violence. This magic I give to you: the world you will rule is only an intermittent hope and you must be the letter written in uncertainty.
Stage 1 Day 14
There is something that worries me greatly. How does one differentiate between hunch of intuition and wishful thinking? I've always had strong intuition and recently I've proven it to be true again as I guess that one particular person will write to me this Christmas. And funny thing is, I've had this feeling since at least a month back. Anyhow now I have similar hutch, but this time it's something I care about. From my experience though those caring hutches never work. Dang it, only time will tell. Law of attraction, as little as I care about it, would say not to think of it cause neediness destroys the process, so the best thing to do is not to think of it.
I've read "36 Lessons of Vivec" yesterday. It is a horror to go through them all, but it is worth it. It's my second favorite philosophical read by far, mainly because it's not meant to be philosophical. It's nothing but a play, a charade which happens to have quite a profound meaning when you think of it. No alpha male material here, but a lot about self improvement and understanding. After all another name of Vivec is "Mastery".
Let me guess. Always two there are, no more, no less, and you already have an apprentice?
you know you know you know! every boody in the whole world knows everything all the time.... >.<
i dont like this word "Know" its way over used and doesnt realy mean anything. its just blind herd moving cattle crap.
Blue42, goddamit, why do you must edit your post so often? I had to rewrite my post because I didn't notice it at first glance :/
How is it possible to control your intuition? Isn't it like sight or hearing, sixth sense which is just it, sense, input into our minds?
They call you faggot because you screwed them over
And it's easier for them to acknowledge that you are of less usual sexual orientation, not them. You would be surprised how many people are bicurious, but cast the blame of bigotry on others.
Knowledge in and of itself is void indeed. My computer can download millions of pages of all kinds of knowledge, but will do nothing with it. Understanding is important, to process and utilize the date, not store it. So let the world know everything thousandfold while being blind and purposeless.
Stage 1 Day 15
Gotta love the Walking Zen. I've walked over 10k today and for most of this time I felt like I was in almost like a dream state, not remembering afterwards exactly what I was thinking about (I mean details, overview I know). After I was done I was surprised I was walking for almost 2 hours, it felt like 30 minutes. It's not good methods for revelations, but it's wonderful to sort your thoughts and just let the thoughts flow. I do this by dialog between myself-interviewee (my conscious in principle) and imaginary interviewer (my subconscious). The only problem with this method is that for it to work streets must be completely empty. I don't care about cars or buildings, but people seems to phase me out of the meditation. For now it's not a problem, I have a lot of quiet, long streets near me parents', but once I come back to my own city it will be a problem. I'll either will learn to disregard people or start another meditation practice.
I think I got from walking today is something most people doing AM notice - less neediness. It's only that I wouldn't call it that. I want to have girlfriends as much I wanted before AM, even before LTU. It's that I want it now on my terms. I feel I would not let myself be manipulated and used. I would not also be with someone just for the same of it (in case some girl throws herself at me). I want to be with someone only on one condition - that it will increase my happiness. And for that I need someone special (what I mean by special in definition of my own) and someone who will not use and abuse me. I don't think I thought like that a month ago.
So here you go, I report that first symptom AM is working, decreased neediness, is on and kicking. I only wish anti-procrastination measures were on as well. :/
For my Walking Zen people are something like a scratch when you try to hold still. They are distraction, something my attention goes to automatically. I don't why, maybe some basic instinct to evaluate if random pedestrian is not a threat? Or some other mechanism I don't understand. All I know is that I need clear pavement for meditation to work. Gonna do more research on that for sure.
About the happiness thing - I've seen enough of people who are in relationship because "she's pretty" or "because she persisted and I didn't want to refuse" or the worst "I didn't want to be alone". I may not be the paragon of happiness right now, but I know that relationship because of either of those reasons wouldn't make me happy. It would be a burden for me in the end, source of guilt or other negative emotions. For now what I want is relationship on my terms, without her BS and with mutual understanding. She's gorgeous? So what if she's dumb? She's willing? So what if she's not up to my standards? I'm alone? So what, my happiness doesn't depends on anyone but me. I'm better this way.
Maybe with time it will change and I will turn into one night stand kind of guy not caring for anything longer than one week, but for now this is what I want.
"Kharma"? Is it something between karma and dharma?
I'm way behind those term, I should have spend more time with Hare Krishna back in the day.
"Avatar" than, personification, whatever. Words used are not important as long as meaning is worth time spend on writing them.
Nah, I control the frame. Something must have been distorted in the transfer.
Code:
bool troll_feeding = false;
Walked another 10K. Instead of Zening on the way I was watching out not to kill myself on the ice. Thanks Obama, I'll wear skates next time if you're too cheap to sprinkle some sand or salt onto the sidewalks.
Sub seems to start working however. Decreased neediness is one thing, but I finally started to get things together and worked on some project long left to rust. It feels like there are some changes lingering, crawling under my skin where I can feel them, but they don't come out just yet. It's hard to describe. I wish they did, but it's introductory stage so I'm not mad at that.
I don't think I'll be updating my journal tomorrow and I surely won't on New Year's Eve, so let me wish you all
Happy New Year 2015!! Let all your dreams come true and your goals be met! See you next year!
Stage 1 Day 19
O wow, so much happened. This is gonna be a LONG update, and a very enjoyable to write as well. I'm doing so because I want to sort my thoughts and analyse where I'm standing. Apparently 10K Walking Zen session while on hang-over wasn't quite enough :/
I've had great New Year party. I could say one of the best in my life, if not the best. Despite being around a lot of new people (which is always uncomfortable for me) I was able to phase in very easily and have lots of fun. I've spent a lot of time with girls and although I wasn't flirting (I was even making a lot of laughs out of people doing it by devising "What would Freud say" game with other female friend) I talked and played freely with them.
One of those girls were girl I used to date. It wasn't (thankfully) my nemesis I might have cried over on this journal and certainly on my LTU journal, but less consequential one I had two dates with spring 2014. At first I didn't know she'll be there and when I found out I was a bit ... shocked? You know this feeling as if you have mini heart attack. But it went away and as time went by I interacted with her just as I did with any other guest. Important thing for me was that what I remembered of her was something completely different from what I met yesterday. It means throughout the months I must have slowly idealize her. Sad come to think of it. Thankfully reality check fixed that mistake.
Another noteworthy girl was girl I don't remember name of. I'll call her Alice. Alice is your average fat chick grown up watching Disney princesses. We talked in the group of me and 3 girls and topic went to how men are assholes. Those two girls had reasons because boyfriends bumped them, but Alice never had a boyfriend. She was bitter because men don't notice her and she looks for love (WOW, I can connect to that). When I asked her during my wave of 0 neediness why do you even want boyfriend she told this romantic love thing and that she dreams of walks in the park and going to the cinema ect. Hearing that I even proposed her that I'd go with her to the Hobbit, but the only gave me look and ignored me, thinking I'm joking because I'm drunk. What made me sad about her is that she's looking for love while being so hateful. They are opposites and don't fit together nicely. I hope she'll learn this one day.
Enough of the party. On other news because of the party I've lost my second day of AM and it means I'll have to extend this stage. Instruction says 3 more days are in order, and so this will be 35-days long stage. I'll have to change annotation in my calendar, but other than that I might be a good thing. Now that AM seems to finally start to work addition days will make up for slower beginning.
There are three things I blame on starting the sub working. First might have been alcohol (I don't think so though, I've drunk during Christmas and it didn't work like that), celibacy for 2 days (always do this before parties, tends to help) and using ultrasonics now. I started it because subconsciously I felt there is something wrong with masked track. Problem is I can hear high pitch, but it's manageable and seems to be much smoother. I'll be listening silent track for some time now and I'll see if I'll stick with it. I have high hopes for that one.
Glad to hear your getting results to really show now. I know what you mean when you were talking about the outlook of the different girls at the party. The one female acquaintance i mentioned in my AM6 journal is pretty much the way you described Alice. She was a decent but not very good looking woman before University but after university she gained even more weight, got more lazy, and had a very anti male attitude afterwards. Apparently during university, she became a feminist, but not the regular type of feminist. She "really" got into it to the point of becoming almost man hating. I can only think it was because she never really got any attention from guys so she started having a lot of animosity towards them for that lack of "validation".
Also have another woman I know who got mistreated by a man in here past and decided to become a B!tch (her words not mines) because of it. Essentially she decided to become exactly that which she hated. I don't know if AM6 will change you the same way it did me but its like now I see just how self-destructive having all this neediness and validation seeking is. Its like I'm able to see more clearly now how all these traits negatively affect people around me. Its gotten to the point where people's Neediness and seeking validation genuinely confuses me because I can't relate to it anymore.
(01-01-2015, 06:32 PM)DarthXedonias Wrote: [ -> ]Glad to hear your getting results to really show now. I know what you mean when you were talking about the outlook of the different girls at the party. The one female acquaintance i mentioned in my AM6 journal is pretty much the way you described Alice. She was a decent but not very good looking woman before University but after university she gained even more weight, got more lazy, and had a very anti male attitude afterwards. Apparently during university, she became a feminist, but not the regular type of feminist. She "really" got into it to the point of becoming almost man hating. I can only think it was because she never really got any attention from guys so she started having a lot of animosity towards them for that lack of "validation".
Also have another woman I know who got mistreated by a man in here past and decided to become a B!tch (her words not mines) because of it. Essentially she decided to become exactly that which she hated. I don't know if AM6 will change you the same way it did me but its like now I see just how self-destructive having all this neediness and validation seeking is. Its like I'm able to see more clearly now how all these traits negatively affect people around me. Its gotten to the point where people's Neediness and seeking validation genuinely confuses me because I can't relate to it anymore.
You're right about Alice. And you know what the worst part is. That I swear if she lost 30-40 kilos she'd be on those "before and after" photos and change would be incredible. She'd be 7/10 easily, even without make-up. Instead she decides to be bitter and to blame the world (men in particular I guess) for her hurt. Sometimes finding blame in oneself is very hard. It makes me glad I have this process done, or at least I hope I do. Accepting oneself in one thing, understanding one can improve without forsaking who one is is another.
About b!tches, it's a defense mechanism. I knew people (men and women alike) like that which would be harsh on others, manipulative and almost evil, but once someone was able to get under their shields they would soften up and shed the defenses. Well, that or someone swears vendetta on others and will be sorrowful like that their entire life. I don't think there is no redemption for those people however. Or they simply enjoy it, then let them have fun and live as they please.
And neediness is really funny thing indeed, I think I'll be playing "The Freud" game every party now.
Friedrich Nietzsche on January 1st 1882 Wrote:For the New Year—I still live, I still think; I must still live, for I must still think. Sum, ergo cogito: cogito, ergo sum. To-day everyone takes the liberty of expressing his wish and his favorite thought: well, I also mean to tell what I have wished for myself today, and what thought first crossed my mind this year,—a thought which ought to be the basis, the pledge and the sweetening of all my future life! I want more and more to perceive the necessary characters in things as the beautiful:—I shall thus be one of those who beautify things. Amor fati: let that henceforth be my love! I do not want to wage war with the ugly. I do not want to accuse, I do not want even to accuse the accusers. Looking aside, let that be my sole negation! And all in all, to sum up: I wish to be at any time hereafter only a yea-sayer!
Stage 1 Day 21
I love Nietzsche. I loved his "Thus spoke Zarathustra" and he's probably my favorite who wasn't at the same time scientist. And I like his New Year resolution written above, it's so much different than mine "lose 15 kilos, man up" kind of thing. But I don't understand it. Why would he ignore all the BS? Ignoring it doesn't make it disappear and even though you should not care much about it indeed, one should accuse the accusers. Unless he wants to better the world only for himself, not for whole, then I rest my case.
On more recent news we have sale! I looked through the programs if there was something interesting I've missed but no, there is none. There is one program 4G I'd be interested with from AYP series, but there are a couple of problems with that. First I hope I won't need it in the end. Second it is 4G and I'd rather use top notch products. And lastly it seems like a waste of time. AYP sounds to me like a wonderful addition to another program, to run it 4 hours a day while doing AM or something. And maybe I will do it (I know you should mix AM6 5G with another sub, it's just an idea) but not during the first run. Such a shame I didn't use this sale much :/
I've had interesting dream tonight, or to be exact two very similar dreams. I was walking on the sidewalk and there was this dog barking behind the fence. Difference between dreams was that first it was Doberman and later St Bernard. Anyhow those were big dogs barking aggressively. Bad luck had it fence was short and the dog was able to jump over it and attack me. When it got to me I would defend myself for a short while and then start caressing him which quickly made it calm and happy like a puppy. After that I would return the dog behind the fence and I'd scream at dog's female owner why does she have such a low fence, this dog might have hurt someone!