Subliminal Talk

I promptly slapped myself in the face. Yup, I was being delusional. Beliefs are important, no doubt, but I've realized I can't do this on my own. It's an ego thing. There's a certain point when I just can't get out of my own way.

But what I was doing was basic mindfulness practice. I haven't rid myself of anxiety, but just viewing it without labels or attachments really does help me let it go. So I can honestly say that I did learn something. But for the most part I was experiencing a lot of delusion. I'm no stranger to these manic states, I've encountered them before. Usually they happen when things actually get worse and I lose it trying to figure out my life.

At least I learned a lesson out of all this. Be practical. Life isn't always easy and sometimes things aren't simple. I'd rather know my limits and be able to work on things successfully than be unaware of them and beating my head against a wall making mistakes.

(12-13-2013, 11:55 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I promptly slapped myself in the face. Yup, I was being delusional. Beliefs are important, no doubt, but I've realized I can't do this on my own. It's an ego thing. There's a certain point when I just can't get out of my own way.

But what I was doing was basic mindfulness practice. I haven't rid myself of anxiety, but just viewing it without labels or attachments really does help me let it go. So I can honestly say that I did learn something. But for the most part I was experiencing a lot of delusion. I'm no stranger to these manic states, I've encountered them before. Usually they happen when things actually get worse and I lose it trying to figure out my life.

At least I learned a lesson out of all this. Be practical. Life isn't always easy and sometimes things aren't simple. I'd rather know my limits and be able to work on things successfully than be unaware of them and beating my head against a wall making mistakes.

It's good to be aware for sure. Knowing your shortcomings is half the battle.

However, if you believe you can't do this on your own, you will never see improvement. Why? Because even if someone else was helping you, in the end, it is YOU, and you alone, who decides how to use advice/tools/knowledge.

You have to do it alone, and it's the only way you can do it. There is no magic pill and there is no mind-altering surgery. There's no way we can get some master at life to control your mind and make you have the perfect life. Otherwise it'd be their life, not yours.

Instead of seeing the limits, it's time to try seeing what you want, and move towards it.

My coach has told me there is one simple sentence to sum up how to live your life, it's this:

Find out what you want, and go after it.

Emphasis on YOU. Find out what YOU want, no matter how unconventional, illogical, illegal, perverted, messed up, holier-than-thou, arrogant etc. it may be.

If it's what YOU want, you're on the right track.

Come to think of it, didn't we go over this earlier this year? Seems to me you came to this realization already. What happened?

(12-13-2013, 02:38 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]

(12-13-2013, 11:55 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I promptly slapped myself in the face. Yup, I was being delusional. Beliefs are important, no doubt, but I've realized I can't do this on my own. It's an ego thing. There's a certain point when I just can't get out of my own way.

But what I was doing was basic mindfulness practice. I haven't rid myself of anxiety, but just viewing it without labels or attachments really does help me let it go. So I can honestly say that I did learn something. But for the most part I was experiencing a lot of delusion. I'm no stranger to these manic states, I've encountered them before. Usually they happen when things actually get worse and I lose it trying to figure out my life.

At least I learned a lesson out of all this. Be practical. Life isn't always easy and sometimes things aren't simple. I'd rather know my limits and be able to work on things successfully than be unaware of them and beating my head against a wall making mistakes.

It's good to be aware for sure. Knowing your shortcomings is half the battle.

However, if you believe you can't do this on your own, you will never see improvement. Why? Because even if someone else was helping you, in the end, it is YOU, and you alone, who decides how to use advice/tools/knowledge.

You have to do it alone, and it's the only way you can do it. There is no magic pill and there is no mind-altering surgery. There's no way we can get some master at life to control your mind and make you have the perfect life. Otherwise it'd be their life, not yours.

Instead of seeing the limits, it's time to try seeing what you want, and move towards it.

My coach has told me there is one simple sentence to sum up how to live your life, it's this:

Find out what you want, and go after it.

Emphasis on YOU. Find out what YOU want, no matter how unconventional, illogical, illegal, perverted, messed up, holier-than-thou, arrogant etc. it may be.

If it's what YOU want, you're on the right track.

Come to think of it, didn't we go over this earlier this year? Seems to me you came to this realization already. What happened?

I don't really know what happened. I make a lot of realizations that never stick.

I know what you're saying about me and me alone making these changes and you're right. But not everything has to be done on your own completely. Overly independent is just as bad as being overly dependent. I come from an overly independent background, I never let people in. I never allowed anyone to help me out. That's not strength, it's weakness.

All I'm saying is if it takes some other person's help to get me to where I need to be I'm fine with that.

(12-15-2013, 11:33 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I don't really know what happened. I make a lot of realizations that never stick.

It's ok, any new habit (even thought patterns) take time to solidify.

Making a realization is like going to the gym for the first time (Or starting anything new). Unless you keep it up, you'll eventually revert back to your old ways. Just be aware of when you're thinking like you used to and think how you want to think instead.

(12-15-2013, 11:33 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I know what you're saying about me and me alone making these changes and you're right. But not everything has to be done on your own completely. Overly independent is just as bad as being overly dependent. I come from an overly independent background, I never let people in. I never allowed anyone to help me out. That's not strength, it's weakness.

All I'm saying is if it takes some other person's help to get me to where I need to be I'm fine with that.

Ah yes, I wasn't saying that you should go it alone. What I meant was, even if I were to give you some advice (as I have I believe ) only you can decide how best to use it, and if you're even going to use it at all.

It's like everything in self-help. It's actually mind-boggling how often people look to self-help stuff for the solution to their problems. I mean, it's called SELF-help for a reason.

I think too much. But it's a symptom of a bigger problem. The reason being, some kind of fear. Not necessarily fear of failure, I don't think. Or maybe it is. But just doing something wrong seems bad. Making mistakes isn't bad and I think I just have to expose myself to mistakes and work on confronting mistakes and shortcomings. Right now I feel like I fell into a really bad habit of avoidance. And once I'm there it's a very viscous cycle. I start to withdraw from everything, suddenly I'm afraid of choosing the wrong movie to watch or the wrong food to eat, no joke. It's incredibly stupid, but again it's not something I can think myself out of because thinking got me there in the first place.

I also realized one of my very very strong defense mechanisms is I'll get this perceived tiredness. So for example I've got this book I've been meaning to read to help me out with all my problems. First problem is, I keep avoiding it. I wanted this book, but the funny thing is I'm afraid to read it. Then even when I manage to sit down to read I am blindsided by this tremendous feeling of fatigue. Nothing gets internalized, I get stressed and I feel like putting the book down. The weird thing is once I stop reading I'll regain my energy. Same with making music.

All this leads me to my next point. I'm finally seeing a therapist now and I realized that I am the worst at addressing any problems I have. I sabotage myself in so many ways and half the time I'm not even conscious of them. And I think part of that is ego or something. It's the reason why it's so easy to help others, but when it comes to myself it's a hell of a lot harder.

I'd imagine your therapist will prescribe meditation. From what you're saying, sounds like you need it.

I know what you mean though. I myself have gone through so many layers in the last few days that I can only pin-point fear or, more correctly, "being scared" as an issue of mine.

I use anything to avoid everything, even my own life. It's like I'm on the outside looking in, I'm never inside of it, and any time I'm close to really immersing myself in my life or even myself, I react by distracting myself.

It gets worse too, because even if I am "wrong", it doesn't matter because I didn't really want to be doing that thing anyways. It's hard to explain, but it's like I'm doing things that don't matter to me so that I don't care if I'm wrong or mess up. In essence: I'm wasting my life.

Anyhow, I'll be interested to see how your therapist handles this.

(12-28-2013, 02:49 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]I'd imagine your therapist will prescribe meditation. From what you're saying, sounds like you need it.

I know what you mean though. I myself have gone through so many layers in the last few days that I can only pin-point fear or, more correctly, "being scared" as an issue of mine.

I use anything to avoid everything, even my own life. It's like I'm on the outside looking in, I'm never inside of it, and any time I'm close to really immersing myself in my life or even myself, I react by distracting myself.

It gets worse too, because even if I am "wrong", it doesn't matter because I didn't really want to be doing that thing anyways. It's hard to explain, but it's like I'm doing things that don't matter to me so that I don't care if I'm wrong or mess up. In essence: I'm wasting my life.

Anyhow, I'll be interested to see how your therapist handles this.

I'll have to see. Right now she's working with me on cognitive distortions. I've heard of them, but working on them alone is a huge task and then I've got my own biased perspective. So far having her help me sort out the thinking is a lot better than doing it all on my own.

What you said pretty much mirrors my exact experience. I take failures way too hard so I'll do one of two things, avoid it or minimize it. That's one of the cognitive distortions she talked about. We'll minimize the importance of something in order to deal with it better. So in my case when it comes to making music I'll minimize the importance of getting better and say that I really don't care how good I get. When the reality is I want to get better, but I'm worried about being incredibly shitty at it in the process.

So far she hasn't told me anything I don't know. But the benefit of therapy is I don't have my ego fighting me all the way. It's incredibly difficult to step outside yourself and objectively evaluate your own life, sometimes it's even impossible.

(01-01-2014, 07:24 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]It's incredibly difficult to step outside yourself and objectively evaluate your own life, sometimes it's even impossible.

Again, that's a belief.

The more you confront yourself, the better you get at that.

I'd say use the therapist as training wheels in order to learn how to do the same thing on your own.

(01-01-2014, 08:02 AM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]

(01-01-2014, 07:24 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]It's incredibly difficult to step outside yourself and objectively evaluate your own life, sometimes it's even impossible.

Again, that's a belief.

The more you confront yourself, the better you get at that.

I'd say use the therapist as training wheels in order to learn how to do the same thing on your own.

Well that's the plan. Therapy isn't supposed to be a lifelong thing. They help you get to a point where you can help yourself on your own.

(01-02-2014, 08:07 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Well that's the plan. Therapy isn't supposed to be a lifelong thing. They help you get to a point where you can help yourself on your own.

Sounds like a plan Stevens.

By the way, what sub are you using now?

(01-02-2014, 05:17 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]

(01-02-2014, 08:07 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Well that's the plan. Therapy isn't supposed to be a lifelong thing. They help you get to a point where you can help yourself on your own.

Sounds like a plan Stevens.

By the way, what sub are you using now?

Still on AM 5.0. Just finishing up stage 6. Probably gonna take a break after this.

(01-02-2014, 05:28 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Still on AM 5.0. Just finishing up stage 6. Probably gonna take a break after this.

Oh yeah? Exhausted or just contemplating what to use next?

(01-02-2014, 05:44 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]

(01-02-2014, 05:28 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Still on AM 5.0. Just finishing up stage 6. Probably gonna take a break after this.

Oh yeah? Exhausted or just contemplating what to use next?

I guess a little bit of both. I'm going to try to target more specific areas that hold me back. Being an alpha male seems great and all, but I think it would go a lot smoother if I worked on some other stuff first. So I'll probably be taking a break for a month or two then come back to something else.

(01-06-2014, 12:18 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I guess a little bit of both. I'm going to try to target more specific areas that hold me back. Being an alpha male seems great and all, but I think it would go a lot smoother if I worked on some other stuff first. So I'll probably be taking a break for a month or two then come back to something else.

I hear ya. AM can be a bit broad. What are you thinking of using? OGSF?