Subliminal Talk

Today I'm having a conflict about doing vs not doing, in my mind there is this thought "I don't want to do shit" "why should I even care about doing something with my life", the problem is I'm not letting myself do nothing my mind also tries to keep control of every action I do, because if not then gets annoying with "I'm not productive" "I'm losing my time" then when I try to do something it keeps reminding me how useless I am and gave up (subconsciously at least) which makes me try again with a worse result, why should I even bother then? I'm not even able to do just nothing without thinking I'm losing my time so from now on I will lose my time and enjoy it at the most.

It appears I'm the controller type as well, always trying to control every aspect of my life, that can relate to perfectionism as well, but at the same time I suffer from this behavior (because I want the control but my beliefs are the ones who rule over my life), maybe I want to be free but from myself, from those beliefs, so now I need to get rid of my own control (in other words from the illusion that I have control over myself and eventually from those beliefs).

I just realized I have floaters in the eyes, according to Google it could be age (I'm in my twenties so no), some kind of inflammation, my retina is falling off, or bleeding. Now the thing is I kind of realized they were there for a few years now but never pay heed until now, maybe I should attend the oculist, now according to what I read this is kind of different to myopia and I recall Shannon writing about UH probably being able to heal retina's issues (not that something is happening to my retina) but if it is related to the liquid in the eye, does UH and my subconscious have a chance to heal it?

Hey User000

I read through a page of your posts and you reminded me of someone.

It seems you are very focused on the negatives and traumas.
Like you are constantly trying to look for them and notice them.
Does this help you with anything?
Other than analyzing a lot..
And confirming your past beliefs?

Looks to me it's your resistance showing up everywhere.
And then I also saw glimpses of you breaking through...

Breaking through to a world of
positivity,
happiness,
daily smiling
and more present to the moment living.

You know you can be in control of these things, right?
It just takes focus moment to moment of where your attention goes.

When you catch it, direct it towards something positive.
For me, I had forgotten to smile for months and maybe even years.

First I needed to be aware of me not smiling in the moments where smiling would change the whole dynamic.

Like if I felt blasé or numb
Or when I hit eye contact with a hottie..

I notice, I start smiling and it's a better world to be in.

Anyway..

Onwards! -LM

I'm the analytic type so I enjoy doing it, I find myself constantly trying to deconstruct whatever picks my interest, I won't deny having such resistance after all my life was based on denying everything, even now my main goal is not achieve happiness or something of the sort, I want to get rid of negativity and resistance without getting full positivity, you could say I want to be neutral (if such thing exists) but at the same time it could be product of the same traumas I'm dealing with, so after all this even I could say this is no more than appealing to rationality as a form of resistance, so in other words I'm pretty messed up haha but nothing I can handle, maybe I should try to get rid of the mind next or just do nothing? I'm very indecisive as well, but for some reason I try to find something that feels real, in the end everything resumes on subconscious beliefs (or at least 90%), lets see how this goes for mi entire life and if I find what I want or something else happen.

Don't know why but everything feels so unreal now, like if my life is crumbling, I feel vulnerable, unsafe, powerless, helpless... even speaking becomes harsh, also my vision no longer sees the bright of life, it feels like life is getting grey, it looks like I haven't overcome fear yet, is always there.

I get it, I'm always criticising myself and being negative all time, always focusing on things I dislike from myself instead of watching my progress or praising myself for getting rid of negative emotions and behaviors, fear of loneliness? wanting attention? I'm already paying attention to myself what else do I need, feeling useless? it is impossible to master something in one day but at least I'm progressing each day, fear of rejection? I'm starting to accept myself, focusing on the goal instead of my actual progress? that's funny.

I guess I was detoxing earlier from all that shit, so much effort just for noticing this, resistance is a true pain.

Weird, the symptoms came back after getting rid of my pessimism, looks like my subconscious is still resisting, that's funny, well at least I got rid of my negative attitude.

Everyday I try to remember bad experiences of my childhood trying to know about the causes of my traumas and the sort, right now what comes to mind is about how angry I got each time my grandfather order me to "learn" about how to behave or how to do certain thing or whatever, even as a kid my thoughts were "learn what you idiot" "fuck that" "I don't care" "get your learning in your ass", whether that was natural human rebellion or something brought by my controller beliefs certainly had brought consequences for instance giving a damn about everything related to human learning (of course is not everything, most likely intellectual or theoretical memory), let's just say I don't care about learning that in a subconscious way, literally I can forget everything whether I like it or not in just one week or in a matter of seconds apart from showing no interest for almost everything in life, how am i supposed to choose or get a profession if studying is a huge pain in the ass, even trying to learn about stuff that picks my interest is hard, most likely I wil forgot about most of the stuff in a week, apart from brain config derived from that and other beliefs as perfectionism or shame, is like a huge spiderweb, maybe that was the reason I got extremely dizzy when using MLS, which led partly to using OFv3.

My mind was having a crisis on saturday, it was simply having excessive thoughts related to fear and for some reason I couldn't stop it until I got tired of dealing with it and let them be without caring if something like that could happen, then yesterday I woke up feeling very tired for an unknown reason, finally when I was going to sleep and play UH I was starting to feel fear, it was as if my mind was disappearing, even my body started to feel weird as if it wasn't mine, at this point I was freaked out with things like "what if I disappear, what will happen to me" "I will forget everything" "am I going to die" then after two hours I fall asleep and guess what, I'm still here, maybe it was the fear the one disappearing.

I take it back, my mind kind of feels as if getting empty, which makes hard at some extent to think or remember properly.

Weird, my mind is as always now.

I'm realizing how shame has been destroying my emotional health, first my mind is in a state of "there is something bad with me" or "I'm useless" so there is self harm, then it gets worse when I seek for external approval, because if I don't have it people will start to point me out that I'm wrong or something or I just simply believe I'm wrong, then guilt invades me because I try to get rid of that behavior but I'm unable to and makes me feel even more useless, then there it is this fear of loneliness or emotional dependence which increase wanting external approval, in short I seriously need to shift my life to self love, self esteem, self value, self respect, but most of all get rid of shame, guilt and fear first.

(05-17-2022, 03:07 PM)User_000 Wrote: [ -> ]Weird, my mind is as always now.

I'm realizing how shame has been destroying my emotional health, first my mind is in a state of "there is something bad with me" or "I'm useless" so there is self harm, then it gets worse when I seek for external approval, because if I don't have it people will start to point me out that I'm wrong or something or I just simply believe I'm wrong, then guilt invades me because I try to get rid of that behavior but I'm unable to and makes me feel even more useless, then there it is this fear of loneliness or emotional dependence which increase wanting external approval, in short I seriously need to shift my life to self love, self esteem, self value, self respect, but most of all get rid of shame, guilt and fear first.

Hey,
I finished another round of UH and what you wrote here is pretty much exactly what I just went through the past week. Shame, guilt and fear something I am dealing with all the time and always sought external validation that just didn't do anything and left me feeling more empty. I find it so amazing someone else on the same sub was thinking the same as I was recently. I really was thinking of switching to Alpha Male sub after UH, mostly for the self validation, self love, self respect, self esteem and value.

It's been a while, I try not to focus that much into the shit of the healing but it is necessary to remind it sometimes so here I go.

For the last weeks I been dealing with fear (again), this time it was fear combined with OCD, my mind just won't stop thinking about awful situations, like if a roach gets on my mouth or ear when I sleep (I even encountered with not one but two roaches on the same day after not seeing one for years haha, law of attraction again) or someone is going to kill me, cut my arms, legs, or something else, a car crushing my feet, there was even a time my mind kept thinking about me going blind because of some illness that my sight was getting blurred, then if my attention stir to something else another fearful thought comes in and if I'm mentally distracted the emotion goes to my arm making it feel pain, fortunately I'm starting to overcome the OCD and the conditioning.

Right now my focus is on the emotional repression I have lived up to now, always running away from my emotions, most of the symptoms when using OFv3 seem to be caused by emotional repression, I'm starting to remember traumatic memories, like the times when my parents were unfair with me just because I was a kid, you don't care about what I think and expect me to care for what you think is right, fucking shitty asshole!! I truly want to kill them now, even back then I only wanted to kill them, this is the result of my anger and hatred (maybe that is another reason about why I'm insociable, some part of me wants to interact with people but at the same time I hate when someone speak to me, self protection? no idea) but I'm not a kid anymore and I don't plan to let the emotions control my life as before, also realized I'm refusing my emotions when they come up to, every time I feel fear or shame I expect for it to finish but this time I'm going to accept them without caring if it is painful, regarding fear, shame and guilt I can see better how the three are intertwined, if OGSFv2 is released I will stop using UH, those three are such a pain to deal with.

It appears tinnitus has diminished, now I know it is caused as a subconscious response to stress, speaking of stress these last days whenever I feel stressed some part of my body aches and the last week my back was hurting pretty bad for a couple of days, after that I haven't felt pain there, also it appears my hearing improved again, now I set the volume a bit lower than before, it appears 4 loops are too much to handle now, every time I do 4 loops I feel overloaded so I will stick with 3 loops.

There is so much I could write about but I'm not that smart to actually put everything in words or maybe i'm just lazy about it.