Subliminal Talk

Or maybe I just got excited and then angry so now I'm not overloaded, I'm getting better at managing anger, I still feel like breaking everything but I can observe it without react, I should recluse myself for an entire year to learn to live with myself, so now that I'm fine I will write about my dream representing some hidden trauma from childhood, it was me being troubled by my older sister you know when kids treat their siblings like trash but this time we were adults arguing because she was treating me like trash (not that she does it anymore, we get along just fine) and I was destroying her with my arguments (something I couldn't do as a kid) I didn't recall those times but it definitely happened in the past, my intuition tells me.

Then this morning I realize I'm always trying to create arguments to explain certain behaviors but then I asked why I'm even doing this, I don't need to explain myself why I behave that way, so I recall my family and other people always asking why I'm this way instead of their way so now I'm not going to hold back, if anyone asks me why I'm this way again I'm just going to ignore it, I don't owe explanations to nobody and I'm not going to criticise myself anymore.

Sleeping 8 hours is amazing, makes me want to live.

Fear is trying to use the old trick of fearing the unknown in this case the ghosts or some paranormal shit, to begin with I was told a certain person is experiencing paranormal events at his house such as things moving on its own or pass out to find scratches on the back, curiously this person lives kind of close to my house, then my mind goes like if that kind of stuff can happen to me or what if I live something similar, not that is the first time it happened, actually I started with OF because fear was getting unbearable (fear of some paranormal creature invading my life), I know is stupid but you know how fear works, now I'm just laughing at the thought of something like that happening to me, the only one I would ever fear again is myself, not even some shitty ghost is going to make me flinch (if it is real, I'm quite skeptical about what those phenomena truly are).

There are times when my hearing is less clear or sharp and later returns to normal but this time it was much more sharp than before, I even reduce the volume when listening UH because it was getting unbearable, hope that means my hearing is improving, or my ears are just shrinking from anxiety.

Since yesterday my throat is giving a hard time again, even when I increased the loops, but it happened when I just give a damn about perfectionism and left something I considered "bad" to save it later so i can't modify it anymore haha, take that fear.

Definitely the right ear hearing has improved, is also the ear that has to deal always with tinnitus, wonder what this means.

My body is pretty honest, don't like to do things I have no interest for so just try to shut down, depression did a good number on my life, choosing nothing I care for, now I just want to leave, the main issue is the same at that time, I don't seem to care about anything in particular, like I'm dead in life and that wouldn't be wrong at all, just sitting down and do nothing seems reasonable, why should I do anything in the first place? why should I care about what to do? these questions keep coming to me, it's not like a care that much about the external world, only about the things I enjoy the rest can go to hell, at least I no longer suffer about these things, just accept them.

I feel great today!!

In short, I confront my mother who is kind of pretty much of the controller type and was trying to "convince" me to choose what she "thought" is "right", so I just were true to myself and told her "I will choose for myself and I don't care what you think", then she was even shouting at me and I told her about her behavior and guess what, she is now the victim because I made her angry, sorry but you're the one who can't even be aware about your shit, even told her she is learning nothing from meditation (at this point is obvious she does it to escape from her negativity and problems) but enough from that shit, I feel just fucking great, I can eat the world right now!! oh and I have to admit I was starting to get angry as well but just relaxed, at the end I was as if nothing happened, kind of feel bad about my father now (he was also kind of shitty before but at least he is learning about himself and his mistakes and correcting them).

o

(04-11-2022, 09:53 AM)User_000 Wrote: [ -> ]I feel great today!!

In short, I confront my mother who is kind of pretty much of the controller type and was trying to "convince" me to choose what she "thought" is "right", so I just were true to myself and told her "I will choose for myself and I don't care what you think", then she was even shouting at me and I told her about her behavior and guess what, she is now the victim because I made her angry, sorry but you're the one who can't even be aware about your shit, even told her she is learning nothing from meditation (at this point is obvious she does it to escape from her negativity and problems) but enough from that shit, I feel just fucking great, I can eat the world right now!! oh and I have to admit I was starting to get angry as well but just relaxed, at the end I was as if nothing happened, kind of feel bad about my father now (he was also kind of shitty before but at least he is learning about himself and his mistakes and correcting them).

Hey your situation is similar to mine.I have a possesive and controlling mother aswell.I noticed her aggresiveness is toned down since i started listening to UH.Maybe because UH have DRS ?

(04-11-2022, 11:07 AM)maxgamer2007 Wrote: [ -> ]o

(04-11-2022, 09:53 AM)User_000 Wrote: [ -> ]I feel great today!!

In short, I confront my mother who is kind of pretty much of the controller type and was trying to "convince" me to choose what she "thought" is "right", so I just were true to myself and told her "I will choose for myself and I don't care what you think", then she was even shouting at me and I told her about her behavior and guess what, she is now the victim because I made her angry, sorry but you're the one who can't even be aware about your shit, even told her she is learning nothing from meditation (at this point is obvious she does it to escape from her negativity and problems) but enough from that shit, I feel just fucking great, I can eat the world right now!! oh and I have to admit I was starting to get angry as well but just relaxed, at the end I was as if nothing happened, kind of feel bad about my father now (he was also kind of shitty before but at least he is learning about himself and his mistakes and correcting them).

Hey your situation is similar to mine.I have a possesive and controlling mother aswell.I noticed her aggresiveness is toned down since i started listening to UH.Maybe because UH have DRS ?

Could be, or maybe is just reacting to what is reflecting on you.

I got glimpses of enjoying life for no good reasons, do I really need a reason to enjoy? I don't think so, still my mind is messing up and making my head hurts slightly.

Lately I'm thinking "why I feel disgusted for things I don't care and yet I'm doing", do I have some kind of expectation as well? then what kind of attachment does that creates, lately it is like I'm starting to understand what it means to be empty, in reality there is nothing and just that, there's no happiness or sadness or anger towards that feeling.

Subconscious is resisting as hell, is my second day off and is already screwing me with congestion not only that but I woke up at night with my throat being irritated as hell, not without mention I have done 11 days on with 4 loops of hybrid and despite of that there were times when my throat was starting to feel irritated.

I'm realizing hypersexuality might be caused by sexual abuse in childhood, in my case no one ever touched me but I remember watching my parents naked and in the bed so that's considered sexual abuse as well so first time I knew I have this kind of trauma, also I'm starting to comprehend what shame really is (my family always giving a shit about what I say and decide and being insulted in many ways), might be related to perfectionism and depression, also regarding that issue yesterday I gave up (on living haha I'm joking) on being perfect and try to do things perfectly, go to hell academic grades, everything go to fucking hell.

Also I'm realizing I was criticised, rejected, abandoned, and many other things, this makes me reject social interactions and even talking about myself or let people to watch me doing common things like brushing my teeths (thank you old man for scolding me for playing instead of working, that's why I always closed the door, shitty family of mine), this stuff hit so hard on my self esteem, self value and self respect.

Finally I realize why I hate so much the idea of working (apart from forcing me to do house work as a kid), yesterday I wrote about being abandoned in childhood, because my parents were usually almost all day out working and for make it even worse they as well as other people always said things like "you need to prepare yourself for work" or "you need to be tidy for work" and shit like that, in my mind I was "so work is more important than me" "so work is more important than life itself" "so work is more valuable" and so, I hate it so much but at the same time the fear of being abandoned prevented me from getting out of that, so instead of do what I want I stick with some shit I dislike because if I don't I will be left alone but at the same time the one who is really abandoning myself is me and only me, adding other things like low self esteem, low self confidence, a lot of fear, shame, guilt for quitting, and more, no surprise my life sucks.

But I'm forgiving myself for letting such shit happen, and just let go of it.