Subliminal Talk

HOLY SHIT!!! This video completely blew up my mind, I already had insights about what it could be but actually having it explained with such detail is even more astonishing, my legs and arms are shivering now, if I wouldn't repress my emotions I think I could cry (even if I want my body just can't), for reference here it is: Self Hate (The Most Dangerous Coping Mechanism) - Teal Swan - YouTube 

This is it, the fucking root of everything or at least one of them, I'm not that mentally stable now to explain it so if someone wants to know help yourselves I can only tell I have lived 98% of what the video says (except for the physical injuries).

For the record.

I have many wishes and desires as a human being, most of them were torn apart either by my parents or someone else since childhood, even then I still refuse to just give up, some part of me wants to fulfill those wishes meanwhile other part of me wants to protect me from being hurt trying again, that could be refusal, hatred, fear, or something else, even now I enjoy that hatred or refusal, I don't want to let them go, they're so important to my identity and my "self" that I don't want to let them go, at the same time I loathe them and want to get rid of them, this is the first time I will admit it, I feel as I deserve to die and at the same time I refuse to die, I want to hurt as many people as I hurt myself to keep me safe, always living to keep me safe, no wonder why anxiety was 90% of my life, this seems hopeless, useless, senseless, nothingness, and I'm tired of pretending so to hell with finding a purpose or something, let's see if I can accept and overcome my shit for now, even thinking about it makes me angry, hope I can detach from life as well haha.

UH truly is something incredible, on saturday something happened that triggered my wrath, not just anger and yesterday I was kind of still angry and kind of clumsy but today I was sad as hell, I felt as staying in bed all my life because of the hopelessness, then after accepting the emotions and feeling them with all my being I find myself fine now, which is pretty fast, usually when I get to the point of wrath I stay angry for one week, then sadness kick in and I feel miserable for another week, and now in just two days I'm fine, amazing. 

For a while now at nights I start to feel unstable, kinf of losing balance and some dizzyness with tiredness, wonder why.

(11-14-2021, 12:29 PM)User_000 Wrote: [ -> ]I'm very pleased to announce that finally after who knows how many years I was able to face my biggest fear and returning unscathed, the sensation was pretty bad though, usually I start feeling an anxiety attack and then my mind goes wild thinking I'm gonna die, then my head feels pretty hot, my heartbeats go crazy, I feel pain in my chest, until I faint or resist it long enough to calm down but this time I didn't resist and remained calm instead of thinking the worst, and I was able to let the emotion be, and curiously didn't faint, guess it was due to being calm.

I remember that time, well, this time it happened again... a little quite bit different though, instead of once it was thrice, I almost passed out three times in a row, even now my heart feels anxious, and during all that time I was just focused on feeling it, I was like "try your best to kill me", at the third one I was already feeling like closing the eyes, didn't know how it didn't happened, the hot sensation going through my heart to the head is pretty sick, even feel like puking.

If I can overcome this then I see no reason why I couldn't overcome anything else.

Yesterday was hellish, since I woke up I started to feel pain at the right side of the abdomen, enough to trigger anxiety eventhough that pain was a product of anxiety in the first place (when I stopped paying heed the pain faded) then that pain went to the zone of the heart until it faded, now at night when I was sleeping I woke up and the first thing my body does is shivering as hell (also there was pain at the heart again), even my mouth, after a while I remembered when I passed out and someone told to me that my body was convulsing, guess it was the same but with me being conscious, after that my body calmed down and right now I'm fine.

Almost forgot to mention my heart rate felt different, is not like I had a disease and I was like usual, it's just curious.

A few moments ago I was in a situation which makes me feel anxious, usually I feel pretty stressed but this time my body is the only one feeling bad and even so didn't feel pain, just sweating when it is kind of cold, my stomach in a little bit of a mess, my head hurting a bit and my eyes feeling a little stressed but my mind remains calm, guess the sub is working pretty well.

I just realized something, did my decisions were taken for my sake or for another person sake? why do I choose what I chose for? because I thought it was the best for me or to satisfy someone else? then why is so difficult for me to engage on whatever decision I make that goes against what the other want, I can say I will do certain thing but never start it, then here I am doing what other people told me was best even if it is such an undesired pain almost like a machine, then I asked myself who I was trying to satisfy and there was no one, not a single person, it was empty.

I just know people don't care about me, the world doesn't care about me, then why I try to satisfy something that doesn't care? the only one convinced that was true was me, almost makes sense why I don't make sense of life, acting on behalf of my own misbeliefs, for some reason I find myself more stable than before, maybe I'm finally starting to live for myself.

I woke up at early morning just to feel extremely dizzy when turning around in bed, it's been ages since something like that happened, actually I think it was a year ago when I was using MLS and could barely sleep without getting dizzy in bed, then it lead to OFv3 and I thought something like that would never happen again, well it wasn't as bad but I don't know if it will get worse, I don't know if it's another symptom or resistance, yesterday I was having issues remembering in the short term I wonder if it is related.

Luckily I no longer feel dizzy in bed, also today I had a very strange dream, it was about me smoking as an addict and other stuff but me smoking was the most important considering I don't smoke, what could that possibly mean, lately I've been thinking about how obsessed I am with negative outcomes, like when I always check how is my hearing fearing I start to hear less, always expecting my hearing to get worse which led me to think about the time when tinnitus first appeared, at that time I was testing to sleep listening OF with an external sound card, I guess at the time I was worried about the volume and unconsciously fear that my hearing got worse or something especially at the right side which the earphone was a bit more inside the ear, then a few days later tinnitus appears in the right ear, what a coincidence, but what if I put it this way, if I was unconsciously worried about my hearing and my mind doesn't know what to do then my body will try to protect me somehow, and how can my body protect me from the threat of hearing loss? creating a sound to tell me everything is fine, that my hearing is fine if I can hear that sound.

So maybe that dream was also telling me how addicted I am to something, to negative outcomes, I will try to get rid of this behavior.

For a few days my head feels kind of dizzy at times, luckily the times that happen have decreased, and now I had a very interesting dream, me at the medic telling me I suffered a heart attack and me just thinking it was an anxiety attack again, then woke up and thought about it, before my mind would have thought that about an anxiety attack but now just thought it was anxiety, maybe it means I'm finally overcoming the negative outcomes.