Subliminal Talk

All my pent up anger is being released, I'm angry as hell but the more I let it go the more calm I get, even shouting as I'm dying feels relaxing, forgot to mention I no longer have symptoms, YES!!!

So thoughts are not reality, the internal voice is not myself (even though I need it to think, or maybe I'm not used to think without it).

Today I just recalled how much I hate my familiar system beliefs, it is like a chain preventing me from going to B and staying at A, I will not suffer the same fate as my relatives, curious enough I was always refusing to act as that system wanted me to, but now I want to know the reason, I will try to get rid of that hatred and change what needs to change but definitely I want to live a different life.

I get it now, some part of me wasn't allowing me to heal, from all my thoughts suddenly apears this one which tells me I'm able to allow myself to do whatever I want (healing in this case) and believing it, not like sabotage which one don't really believe it can be true, there is so much to do from now on.

I'm realizing I always do something to avert gaze from reality, because if I don't I feel miserable, useless, complete trash, worthless, annoying, nothing I do seems to be changing this, well at least I'm conscious of it, also envying whatever other people has my mind goes "why I can't be like that" as if in my mind others have a life more easier than me (I'm pretty negative in a lot more ways I can imagine), I didn't kill myself just for my strong attachment to life.

After feeling my pent up emotions I'm feeling good again.

Also guess I should post this, it's been a couple days now that my left eye feels kind of weird or it will be better to say my vision is the one feeling weird, since a couple years I was diagnosed with amblyopia and my right eye is the one my brain prefer the most, even when I close the left eye can't see the blurred black vision when closing the other eye which happens when closing the right eye so my guess is my brain is trying to heal that condition by forcing me to use more the left eye, even now I'm looking for an eyepatch.

I just remembered something from my past, actually is something I was still doing as of today, I was obsessed about being the best, always getting the highest grade at school, not causing problems, trying to be perfect but for what? for my parents pay attention to me? to feel I can live up to expectations? for not being left alone? and what happened after doing my best? nothing happened, still being abandoned, so if my efforts were useless why should I even care about trying? if my efforts are useless then it is not worth it, and yet I'm arrogant enough to laugh at the ones who can't do better than me but feel useless when they do, in my mind life has to be "I'm better than everybody else", in the end traumas make me act as a kid, time to heal this wound.

Now I see it clearly, I was always rejecting life on itself (still I don't recall a memory related to this so maybe it was from my first years), even looking at people, at their flesh, sweet, blood, everything was just so disgusting for me to say "life is disgusting" "biological life is disgusting" "every being is disgusting", but now I see that's just life, just life not beautiful nor disgusting (depending perception).

I'm starting to understand, what I want is just that, a wish, a desire, an ideal, yet is nothing more than fantasy, because I already have it, it was by my side or I should say it was always a part of me, no need to look for it.

Just how screwed up i need to be for still having tinnitus, I have to say though is more quiet than before, just because it is that time of my life when it gets louder that I'm complaining but anyway.

Kind of weird how tinnitus on the left gets louder when I'm feeling miserable, fuck everything haha, not gonna care about my failures, I just take resposibility for my actions.

I just noticed something interesting, even after dealing with fears such as fear of insects my mind still comes up with thoughts and scenes about what if an insect get on my face or whatever and not just that, with everything it considers a threat then there is one fear behind it, so after tracing back anything that could be the source I recalled when my mother told me about her pregnancy and how she feared when I stopped moving, I can imagine her thinking was like "he is not moving, what if he is dead" and since babies experience the same feelings as the mother I suspect fear was acquired that way then just kept getting worse with her behavior, kind of similar as what I'm experiencing, also maybe tinnitus is related to this since when I focus on it similar thoughts run through my mind even for a second so maybe that fear is the first that came to my life and why is so hard to overcome.

Today my emotions are less repressed than usual, I can feel them in a smooth way but at the same time distract me, now I'm feeling a tingling at my forehead and my thoughts and memory seem to be interrupted, is this turmoil? I think I can deal with it.

There is something bothering me, since last week I fail to focus most of the times and is hard to remember even little details such as the content of texts, videos, what I was thinking a few minutes ago, I mean my memory is not that great (I wonder if there is something other than brain config) but still is uncommon for me to forget that fast, regarding my focus is like I distract myself even if it is something I consider important, I'm not diagnosed with ADHD yet since I can remember my mind always tries to wander all kind of thoughts kind of "what if time stopped right now", anyway I don't know if there is some belief in the background or if it's related to emotional issues, or if some part of my brain is being healed.

Maybe the issue with tinnitus is not just about fear, maybe is being supplemented by other symptoms or ailments such as sinusitis, stress on the neck (I wouldn't surprise, after all anxiety or stress has been accumulating in my body for years), TMJ (although my case is not that bad so probably not this one). Let's see if stopping sinusitis reduces tinnitus for now.