Subliminal Talk

(05-06-2019, 01:22 PM)THolt Wrote: [ -> ]Seems like E2 is bringing a lot of stuff to your attention. I think LTU5 will be good for you as well. I am looking forward to reading your LTU5 journal once you get the program.

Yeah I look forward to having and using LTU5. I dunno if E2 is bringing this to my attention or if it's just an issue I have. I'm hoping E2 can heal me well enough for me to get my motivation back, but if not, I'm hoping LTU5 will come through for me. I really do have a motivation/procrastination problem. I wonder how well LTU5 will help me with that?

(05-06-2019, 02:16 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: [ -> ]

(05-06-2019, 01:22 PM)THolt Wrote: [ -> ]Seems like E2 is bringing a lot of stuff to your attention. I think LTU5 will be good for you as well. I am looking forward to reading your LTU5 journal once you get the program.

Yeah I look forward to having and using LTU5. I dunno if E2 is bringing this to my attention or if it's just an issue I have. I'm hoping E2 can heal me well enough for me to get my motivation back, but if not, I'm hoping LTU5 will come through for me. I really do have a motivation/procrastination problem. I wonder how well LTU5 will help me with that?

I'm on E3 and I feel like my motivation has plummeted to almost nothing in comparison to when I was USLM. 
Its like the program has relaxed me so much I just go with the flow instead of actually taking charge. I think LTU5 will make a very big difference in your life.

Hmm...Well, LTU5 has Overcoming Procrastination and Ultra Motivation on it. So hopefully, that'll get me off my ass. I'm sorry to hear your motivation has plummeted. I hope you can find your motivation again while staying relaxed. I hope I can do the same.

Day 38:

I went to bed at like 12 last night, got woken up at around 10. Solid 8 hours right? Well I was still tired, so when I got back from my meeting with my job coach at around 2PM, I went back to sleep and slept until like 6!I honestly have no idea why I'm this tired. Does it have something to do with E2 I wonder? It might be because I'm used to sleeping in and getting like 12 hours of sleep.

I'm also still just sitting around on the internet when I'm not sleeping. This has got to be a fear thing, but I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, exactly. I hope LTU5 will be able to help me with this.

Day 39:

I had a hard time getting myself out of bed today, and then after a bit, went back to bed. I don't like living this way, but I'm afraid to change. It's like... actually living life scares me or something, and I don't look forward to it but want to put it off as much as possible. It's like all I wanna do really is be unconscious. I never look forward to waking up and getting out of bed and I always feel like I want to go back.

And now I'm having gum/tooth problems on top of all this. I wish there were some magic pill I could take that would just solve all these problems and allow me to enjoy life, but it's like I can't enjoy it. It's like all I can do is get through it.

And I keep going back to these forums expecting something new, or some sort of response or something, and even when I DO get some sort of response, it doesn't change my situation, so I don't know why I'm so obsessive about it.

You're not alone in your actions EP. I've done the same things myself, especially when I'm changing so quickly in a major area in my life. I'm in new ground, part of me is scared it'll be yanked away or it was another fantasy, and as I'm realizing now that dang........ I'm still trying to hang on to my normal, whatever it is. I'm seeing I've been trying to control others, I've been thoroughly unsuccessful at it, and just writing about it allows some feelings to flow.

I'm thinking of Shannon's words in Mat's journal since he explained it clearly. Parts are free, yet some parts are still hanging on to old "truths", like "my fear protects me", like "I will fail since it's easier and I'll surely know the outcome", like "I don't know how to handle success". (those are all my own old "truths")

I'm on my 2nd day off of LTU, and today I realized major desired changes are growing in me. Major mental roadblocks seemed to slither away, like a scared snake retreating. I've given them so much power. And at the same time, part of me is looking around for my "normal", which are old beliefs, feelings, and attitudes. That part of me is unsure, but also feels more empowered without those same beliefs, feelings, and attitudes.

What changes, big or small, are you experiencing today with E2?

(05-08-2019, 12:53 PM)findingme Wrote: [ -> ]You're not alone in your actions EP.  I've done the same things myself, especially when I'm changing so quickly in a major area in my life.  I'm in new ground, part of me is scared it'll be yanked away or it was another fantasy, and as I'm realizing now that dang........ I'm still trying to hang on to my normal, whatever it is.  I'm seeing I've been trying to control others, I've been thoroughly unsuccessful at it, and just writing about it allows some feelings to flow.  

I'm thinking of Shannon's words in Mat's journal since he explained it clearly.  Parts are free, yet some parts are still hanging on to old "truths", like "my fear protects me", like "I will fail since it's easier and I'll surely know the outcome", like "I don't know how to handle success".  (those are all my own old "truths")

I'm on my 2nd day off of LTU, and today I realized major desired changes are growing in me.  Major mental roadblocks seemed to slither away, like a scared snake retreating.  I've given them so much power.  And at the same time, part of me is looking around for my "normal", which are old beliefs, feelings, and attitudes.  That part of me is unsure, but also feels more empowered without those same beliefs, feelings, and attitudes.  

What changes, big or small, are you experiencing today with E2?

Well, I'm feeling less lonely than I was before E2. For a bit, it was starting to look like I was ready to live a normal life, but now here I am, retreating to my bed and my computer. Still, I'm not depressed like I was and I'm feeling less lonely. I'm not suicidal and I'm not obsessing over the friendship breakup anymore. So that's all very good. I guess you can credit E2 for those changes. I guess I just wish I were more productive with less issues. Although I had an epiphany while I was stoned last night: I realized that I feel I NEED to live life a certain way to be worthy of self love and self respect. And until I AM living exactly that way, I probably won't feel worthy of that self love and self respect, but a piece of me suspects that even if I do everything I want to do and live my life exactly how I think I ought to, I still won't lover or respect myself. Apart from weed, I imagine E2 played a role in this epiphany. 

I don't understand why I'm so resistant to getting out there and living life productively. I hope this will change over time.

You realizing that you may not love or respect yourself even if you succeed.........I could have written that. That's been an old fear I've hung to for ages, and it's justified me staying in one place. Since I've always had a low self esteem, I thought I'd be dependent on others for validation and acceptance. No joke. That fear of growing has been instrumental in my life a very long time.

What kinds of desires for the future do you have?

(05-08-2019, 01:40 PM)findingme Wrote: [ -> ]You realizing that you may not love or respect yourself even if you succeed.........I could have written that.  That's been an old fear I've hung to for ages, and it's justified me staying in one place.  Since I've always had a low self esteem, I thought I'd be dependent on others for validation and acceptance.  No joke.  That fear of growing has been instrumental in my life a very long time.  

What kinds of desires for the future do you have?

Well, I plan to get my BA and teach English abroad, and eventually get an MA in Mental Health Counseling and become certified as a hypnotherapist. I'm also looking for part time work and going on disability. I'm also considering using elance/upwork to do freelance writing on the side, but I'm not sure of that idea. I also intend to get a GF in the future. And I want to learn the "becoming" method to get my friend back. I also want to learn how to play the guitar and learn Japanese (cause I want to teach there) I also wanna get to a point where I'm living independently, have friends I hang out with often, have a better all social life and gain muscle mass. 


Man, that's a lot of shit I want to accomplish, and I'm impatient on one hand to get to that point, but I feel paralyzed on the other hand. That stuff sounds like it'll be a long way off, and I guess I think of all the shit I wanna do and see how far off I am and that just makes me feel worse about it. But I just tell myself to make progress, rather than expect perfection. Still, it seems my progress halted lately. I've gotta at least do the meditation walks and healing codes, but I often skip the healing codes and sometimes even the meditation walks.

Day 40, almost day 41...

I'm angry over the friendship breakup, and at the heart of anger is unrequited love. I feel immense pain over being cheap shotted with an insulting art piece, blocked on all social media and thrown into the garbage heap, never to be given a second thought. I'm so mad about it. I'm so mad about being told I wasn't worth saving by someone I loved. I'm so mad that this person tells me "It's easy to love someone until the hard times roll around" and then coldly cuts off all communication when the hard times roll around. It hurts so bad, and a piece of me feels so worthless. I can't let it go. Even if I get my friend back, HOW WILL WE ADDRESS the pain inflicted on me? I've already owned up to everything I've done to wrong my friend. I've apologized. Begged for forgiveness. I've done everything on my end to take responsibility for what I did wrong in the relationship. But this friend doesn't care one bit about me, and doesn't think I'm worth giving things another shot with. Doesn't think I'm worth apologizing for their end of shitty treatment. Doesn't think I'm worth forgiving. Doesn't think I'm worth wiping their ass with. And it hurts. It hurts so bad to be discarded to easily by someone I love so much. I don't think E2 can heal this. I don't think LTU5 can heal this. I honestly believe this won't be healed until me and this person work it out. I want to master the "becoming" method so I can not just get my friend back, but get my friend to work through these issues with me. I refuse to cut cords with this friend. I refuse to let this die. I can't. I NEED to resolve this with this person. But it feels like I can't get to that point until I've moved passed all this. It's like some sort of catch 22: I need to resolve this within myself to resolve this with them, but I need to resolve this with them to resolve it within myself. And I'm so sick of smug self righteous assholes on the other forum I frequent telling me all kinds of shit about forgiveness, and all that. They don't know what I'm going through and until they've walked a mile in my shoes they can shut the fuck up. None of these people understand me or my position but they sure talk a lot of good shit like they know the answers, but they don't know shit. Until they've gone through EXACTLY what I've gone through, they don't know shit about it. 

God, I'm so hurt and angry. And I have no idea how to change it. All this time, I'm just suppressing pain and rage and frustration. It's not really going away, it's just being put out of my mind. I NEED to be able to work through this, but I can't resolve the issue. I can't. Because my issue is that my friend won't work with me. Won't stick through the hard times to work things out. And then tells me "It's easy to love someone until the hard times roll around" before shutting the door in my face. I can't get over that. 

I'm feeling suicidal again. Like I just wanna hit the reset button, but that won't fix this either. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this. Even with these subliminals and the "becoming" method at my disposal, I don't know how to fix this. I wish my friend could suffer the pain of having the door slammed in their face like this by someone they truly love, with nobody there for them when they're left out in the cold, like I went through. And that's a shitty, selfish, unloving thing to wish on somebody I love. I wish I knew some way I could fix this. I wish I knew how to make my friend see the pain they caused me. I wish I could get me friend to see how sorry I am for the pain I've caused. I wish my friend would CARE how sorry I am for the pain I've caused. I wish my friend would care... I wish they were as sorry as I am. I wish they were obsessing about this like I am. I wish they wished like I did, that this whole thing could be resolved like I want it to be resolved. I wish they were willing to work through it with me. I'm so angry, because I know they couldn't give less than half a rat's ass. They were my best friend, and didn't find me worth the effort. I hate myself so much. I hate myself. I feel like I'll never love myself. I'll always hate myself for this, and I will always be fuming in impotent rage over the cruel fact that it will always be just my problem. I hate myself for being so willing to be the other person too, ready to just coldly abandon people who hurt me. I've always considered disowning my parents in the past. I'll never love myself, I don't think. Not like this. Not with all this going on inside me. I HATE myself. I really do. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for this. I don't feel worthy of forgiveness. And I don't feel anybody who tries to comfort me knows the real me, or they wouldn't bother with me. They'd throw me away just like everyone else who gets to know me. I'm toxic. I'm poison to be spewed from the mouth. And that's all that defines me, is how toxic I am. The very best I have to offer isn't worth the trouble of dealing with my deepest flaws. I don't have shit to offer, I just need and take. And I hate myself for it.

And I don't think this is E2 working on my deepest issues. I don't think I'm healing from this. I'm just suffering. Selfishly. And whining about it to you all like it's your problem. But it's not. All I do is whine about this shit. I don't FIX anything. I CAN'T fix anything. It feels like I can't set right what I've fucked up, and I can't just throw in the towel, forgive myself and be at peace with it, my badly wounded pride won't let me. I NEED to be able to fix what I've broken because I NEED to prove to myself I'm worth the effort. And I don't really believe I am. But I can't accept that. I just can't. God I hate myself.

And now it's late, and I'm high, and I realize what a victim mentality I have. This needs to change.

Day 41:

Still feeling like I did last night, except I've got this attitude of "I'm gonna handle it like a man and do what I've gotta do anyways" and I also have convinced myself that with the "becoming" method mastered, I can bring about the resolution I want. I just have to have faith and keep grinding away. What I'm doing lately is practicing Japanese while I'm in bed on my computer, rather than dicking around. That way, I'm being productive and doing something good for myself. Slowly but surely, I'm moving towards my best self. I want to be the best version of myself I can be when I reintroduce myself to my ex-friend. I wanna change a lot of things. And when we meet again with me at my best, my friend will want to be friends again, and with the becoming method, I know things will get to a point that this friend is willing to work through unresolved issues with me,