Subliminal Talk

I also notice that the internet is atm my primary sourxenof connection with others. The little bit of interaction I get on these forums is the majority of mynsocial connection. I wish I had some other way of socializing butbI don't. I used Meetup.com but that's been very mild in it's success...

what kinds of activities do you enjoy, or have you enjoyed in the past?

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Well that's the thing... I can't think of any activities to go out and do. Maybe I'm just a boring person. I dunno. I'm not a very extroverted guy. Activities I've done with friends in the past have included going to local shows (metal and punk) and going out for drinks. But I always did that with friends. I never went out on my own and made friends doing that.

EvolvingPhoenix you should start taking salsa lessons. They will not not just teach you how to dance but they will improve every area of your life.

Salsa lessons? Interesting. I've got no money right now, but I'll keep your suggestion in mind for when I get a job.

So I was watching this video and it resonated HARD:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGorABGw418

I've been fighting so much futility in my life: Romantic futility, social futility, familial futility. So much futility. And I've been holding out hope against all hope that I can change my situations for the better. 

Some things I've given up on and accepted the futility of, like the fact that I'll never have a REAL relationship with my mother. Some things, I struggle to accept, like the fact that I will never reconcile with my ex-friend. I've been hoping against all hope that I could change things with that friend for some time now. 

Some things just FEEL futile, like getting my social and romantic needs met. I feel so much futility in my life, and I have never been one to accept defeat. Except with my mom ever changing. I gave up on that a long time ago.

I dunno what to do. Even after all the tips she gave, I still feel like there's not much I can do to create the life I want. And what's sad is suicide is futile too. I honestly believe if I commit suicide, I'll just have to reincarnate and my life will be programmed to deal with the same issues, without the benefit of any of the knowledge or tools I've acquired in this lifetime.I feel so stuck. And I don't know how to get out. All's I know is E2 and even E3 can't really help the problem if the sense of futility is still there and I still can't accept it.

I disagree with your projection EP.

Life has been hard.
Things have not been easy.

What I hear are assumptions that even if you try to change, nothing will. Mentally and emotionally, this goes one way. Downhill, to bad spots.

Projecting past experiences into the future will only take you down. Do you KNOW life will suck in the future? Do you KNOW you won't change?

I'll shift the focus now. Taking responsibility for one's life means being honest with one's self. I still am doing this.

Are you just scared and feeling incompetent to handle change?
Do you fear handling all the imagined pain and baggage from your past?
Are you possibly afraid to be responsible for all of this?
Are you terrified of failing in this endeavor?

My answer to all these questions 2 years back was YES. But I still had on my denial glasses which fought hard to keep me from seeing anything good.

Those are heavy questions for anyone from an abusive/neglected background to handle. EP,

You don't need to be perfect today.
You don't need to be perfect today.
You don't need to be perfect today.

I came from a painful family, and when I got into healing, therapy, and 12 step meetings, I wanted to be better NOW. TODAY! I was not nice to myself, as shame and fear were the only tools used by my mom.

I will also say this clearly. Subliminals have been the FASTEST, easiest, and most effective healing tool I've ever used during my 25+ years seeking relief. I still run E2 myself occasionally, as it has a major feature (IMO) which hides the pain being dealt with from your conscious mind. The stress relief in it is a major reason too. The other modules like Overcome the Victim Mentality and Positive Thinking, Positive Attitude showed up later in my run, and they're actual lifesavers. E2 is one of the most helpful and easy subs one can own and use.

Trust the process. Trust yourself on it. It WILL get better.

And be nice to you today. One small act of kindness to yourself today is STILL a success

Thanks for the response findingme.

Maybe I can have my social and romantic needs met, but like I said, it FEELS futile. I'm not saying it IS futile, it just feels that way.

My mom refuses to change and my ex friend wants NOTHING to do with me. To expect change in either area is to be resistant to futility.

I did not say E2 and E3 were unhelpful, just that they can't help if you're still resisting futility, because resisting futility is the source of depression.

Day 18 was a day where everything felt futile.

Now it's day 19 and I look at what I had written for day 18 and it looked like whiney victim mentality shit so I deleted it.

Accidentally forgot to set the repeat on last night, so I only got in one hour of E2. I shall endeavor to do better. No use crying over spilled milk though.

Day 20: I'm feeling alright today, so far. I just watched a video by Bentinho Masaro about how suffering is rooted in our belief in lacking. Then I started watching a video by him where he talks about re-framing our perspective from one of lack to one of abundance. Right now, my outlook is one of lack: My best friend friend-dumped me and wants nothing to do with me. I am without my best friend. I am trying to think of a way to flip that outlook to one of abundance, but so far, I can't think of anything.

***NOTE: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SOME OF MY METAPHYSICAL BELIEFS. THEY'RE JUST MY BELIEFS AND I ONLY MENTION THEM BECAUSE I'M WRESTLING WITH SOME SERIOUS QUESTIONS. QUESTIONS WHICH RELATE TO WHAT E2 IS WORKING ON. TRUTH IS, I DON'T EXPECT ANYBODY TO HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT THESE ISSUES, I DON'T EXPECT ANYBODY TO SHARE MY BELIEFS AND I'M REALLY JUST POSTING THIS TO DOCUMENT WHERE I'M AT IN THE MOMENT SO I CAN SEE LATER IF I'VE MADE ANY PROGRESS. THIS IS JUST HOW I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW. I'M HOPING THAT'LL CHANGE AS I CONTINUE TO USE E2, ALTHOUGH TRUTH BE TOLD, I DOUBT IT***

Day 20 pt 2:

So I've been having a pretty good day so far, but I wouldn't know it based on how I'm feeling.

Fact is, I'm weighing suicide in my mind. It's not an easy decision, but I am weighing it. I'm running out of hope to be able to have the life I want. I know if I commit suicide, I'll probably have to reincarnate and I won't remember any of the useful information and knowledge I've gained in this incarnation, but what use do I make of most of it anyway? I'll have to be reborn, experience the same early traumas I've experienced in my early life, and will probably have the same emotional issues. At least that's what I sincerely believe.

On the flip side, there are certain painful memories and facts about this life I'll also conveniently forget. I'll forget all about the friendship breakup and may even have another chance in the next lifetime to set things right with said friend, who knows? I'll get to hit the reset button and get another chance at things. And I believe there will be a lot of healing done between lives to heal me from the pain I've brought upon myself in this one. OR at least, that's what I believe.

So I've been thinking about it. What's my purpose here? Do I even make a difference? I don't feel like this world needs me and what I need, I can't get from it.

Maybe I just need to hit the reset button. I'm really mulling it over. Maybe I can do a better job in my next life at all the things I've irreparably ruined in this one. Or at least won't have to deal with the pain of remembering them.

Then again, if I killed myself it would probably devastate my dad, and I don't want to put him through that, but can I really hold out until he dies? I'm tired of suffering. And I don't think E2 or LTU5 are going to fix what's wrong with me. That doesn't mean I think they'll do nothing, but there's just too much to deal with. It's like I said earlier: trying to clean a filthy crack house with shit smeared all over the walls using nothing but a toothbrush.

And some important aspects of my life just feel like they're fucked up beyond all repair. I dunno if I'll ever be able to recover from the friendship breakup. I'm losing hope. And I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the sheer futility of it. And I think to myself "Nothing I ever offered this person was worth anything to them. Not enough to stick around" and that's SO PAINFUL, because while I showed them some bad parts of me, I also showed them the best parts of me. And they decided that the worst of me outweighs the best of me. And it's just so devastating. It's like the best I have to offer isn't worth much. It feels like the best I had to offer was NEVER worth much.

I dunno if E2 or LTU5 can heal all that and even if they can, HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE? Because I feel like I can't hold out much longer. Every day I live, I suffer. And I just want the suffering to end. I hate myself and I hate being alive. But if I kill myself, I truly believe I'll probably have no choice but to live again. So would it be worth it? Is forgetting the friendship breakup worth forgetting about everything else? Forgetting about the Law of Attraction, forgetting about The Law of One, forgetting about these subliminals, forgetting the tarot, forgetting astrology, forgetting all the wise advice I've been given, forgetting everything I've learned, or know at least enough about to know that it's worth learning? But have I really learned that much? Do I really make good use of any of it anyway?

I don't know. I feel like I'm running in circles, and I'm so tired of running in the same circles over and over and over and over and over... I'm just so tired of it all. This world doesn't need me and can surely get on without me. Except my dad. What would I be doing to him if I went through with it? Would he possibly be able to understand? Would he blame himself? Can I hold out until he passes? Should I even have to? Is this painful suffering all that's in store for me in this life? Is it selfish to not want to have to suffer for the sake of another? Is it not selfish to expect me to keep suffering so one doesn't feel bad about my loss? I don't know. I don't know. But that's where I'm at here on day 20.

I wonder how much E2 is actually doing? Is it doing anything at all? It's a "work at your own pace" sub. What is my pace unconsciously? I don't know.

People give me all kinds of wise advice that sounds so good, but the truth is, none of that wise advice really gets to me. I'm still suffering. And I still don't know if I'll ever recover.

This post is the closest to actual journalling I think I've ever come to doing. Maybe I should start a journal, like, a real journal. Maybe it'll help me sort things out better. I dunno.

Just reread Findingme's above post. It made me feel better. I needed to read that.

(04-17-2019, 05:01 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: [ -> ]***NOTE: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SOME OF MY METAPHYSICAL BELIEFS. THEY'RE JUST MY BELIEFS AND I ONLY MENTION THEM BECAUSE I'M WRESTLING WITH SOME SERIOUS QUESTIONS. QUESTIONS WHICH RELATE TO WHAT E2 IS WORKING ON. TRUTH IS, I DON'T EXPECT ANYBODY TO HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT THESE ISSUES, I DON'T EXPECT ANYBODY TO SHARE MY BELIEFS AND I'M REALLY JUST POSTING THIS TO DOCUMENT WHERE I'M AT IN THE MOMENT SO I CAN SEE LATER IF I'VE MADE ANY PROGRESS. THIS IS JUST HOW I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW. I'M HOPING THAT'LL CHANGE AS I CONTINUE TO USE E2, ALTHOUGH TRUTH BE TOLD, I DOUBT IT***

Day 20 pt 2:

So I've been having a pretty good day so far, but I wouldn't know it based on how I'm feeling.

Fact is, I'm weighing suicide in my mind. It's not an easy decision, but I am weighing it. I'm running out of hope to be able to have the life I want. I know if I commit suicide, I'll probably have to reincarnate and I won't remember any of the useful information and knowledge I've gained in this incarnation, but what use do I make of most of it anyway? I'll have to be reborn, experience the same early traumas I've experienced in my early life, and will probably have the same emotional issues. At least that's what I sincerely believe.

On the flip side, there are certain painful memories and facts about this life I'll also conveniently forget. I'll forget all about the friendship breakup and may even have another chance in the next lifetime to set things right with said friend, who knows? I'll get to hit the reset button and get another chance at things. And I believe there will be a lot of healing done between lives to heal me from the pain I've brought upon myself in this one. OR at least, that's what I believe.

So I've been thinking about it. What's my purpose here? Do I even make a difference? I don't feel like this world needs me and what I need, I can't get from it.

Maybe I just need to hit the reset button. I'm really mulling it over. Maybe I can do a better job in my next life at all the things I've irreparably ruined in this one. Or at least won't have to deal with the pain of remembering them.

Then again, if I killed myself it would probably devastate my dad, and I don't want to put him through that, but can I really hold out until he dies? I'm tired of suffering. And I don't think E2 or LTU5 are going to fix what's wrong with me. That doesn't mean I think they'll do nothing, but there's just too much to deal with. It's like I said earlier: trying to clean a filthy crack house with shit smeared all over the walls using nothing but a toothbrush.

And some important aspects of my life just feel like they're ***** up beyond all repair. I dunno if I'll ever be able to recover from the friendship breakup. I'm losing hope. And I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the sheer futility of it. And I think to myself "Nothing I ever offered this person was worth anything to them. Not enough to stick around" and that's SO PAINFUL, because while I showed them some bad parts of me, I also showed them the best parts of me. And they decided that the worst of me outweighs the best of me. And it's just so devastating. It's like the best I have to offer isn't worth much. It feels like the best I had to offer was NEVER worth much.

I dunno if E2 or LTU5 can heal all that and even if they can, HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE? Because I feel like I can't hold out much longer. Every day I live, I suffer. And I just want the suffering to end. I hate myself and I hate being alive. But if I kill myself, I truly believe I'll probably have no choice but to live again. So would it be worth it? Is forgetting the friendship breakup worth forgetting about everything else? Forgetting about the Law of Attraction, forgetting about The Law of One, forgetting about these subliminals, forgetting the tarot, forgetting astrology, forgetting all the wise advice I've been given, forgetting everything I've learned, or know at least enough about to know that it's worth learning? But have I really learned that much? Do I really make good use of any of it anyway?

I don't know. I feel like I'm running in circles, and I'm so tired of running in the same circles over and over and over and over and over... I'm just so tired of it all. This world doesn't need me and can surely get on without me. Except my dad. What would I be doing to him if I went through with it? Would he possibly be able to understand? Would he blame himself? Can I hold out until he passes? Should I even have to? Is this painful suffering all that's in store for me in this life? Is it selfish to not want to have to suffer for the sake of another? Is it not selfish to expect me to keep suffering so one doesn't feel bad about my loss? I don't know. I don't know. But that's where I'm at here on day 20.

I wonder how much E2 is actually doing? Is it doing anything at all? It's a "work at your own pace" sub. What is my pace unconsciously? I don't know.

People give me all kinds of wise advice that sounds so good, but the truth is, none of that wise advice really gets to me. I'm still suffering. And I still don't know if I'll ever recover.

This post is the closest to actual journalling I think I've ever come to doing. Maybe I should start a journal, like, a real journal. Maybe it'll help me sort things out better. I dunno.

I would save up for E3.  You shouldn't give up . I have been where you were and still am there. I have a lot of acquaintances but no real friends.  E2 is a good program but I would make it my goal to save up for E3.  I think you will get there as long as you don't quit and give up. Press forward.