whome's LTU5 journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Wow. That sounds extreme. I was having panic attacks frequently at one point before I started artificially suppressing my fear with medication. You, you're taking the route of actually facing your fear and working through it. I'm slowly trying to get better at doing that, but I'm taking it slow. You're really facing it. I say stay strong! I know you can make it through and heal your fear! It'll take time, but I'm sure you'll get there! Don't go on ketamine. I think you can make it through this.

[whome]

I wouldn't say that I'm facing my fear and working through it. I sit and talk to people, and the terror hits me, and takes me down, and it's all I can do to get out of the pain and back into my head, to retreat into safety.

[Edit: The best way I can find to describe this is a bad drug trip, except my body decides to kick it for reasons of its own, and the only way for me to avoid it is to avoid situations where it'll come up. I deliberately go home for the holidays, and the passing of time is very triggering, so I'm not terribly surprised that it hit, but it still sucks that I'm still inflicted with it. That's the number one thing that I would want from healing and that I'm looking for from LTU: stop the attacks of sheer existential terror when I'm in my body. So far it hasn't happened.]

I appreciate your feedback, though. I wish I could say that I'm making progress, but it's hard to say if I am or not. When the existential terror comes up and crushes me, it feels like I'm not getting anywhere.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I wouldn't say that I'm facing my fear and working through it. I sit and talk to people, and the terror hits me, and takes me down, and it's all I can do to get out of the pain and back into my head, to retreat into safety.

[Edit: The best way I can find to describe this is a bad drug trip, except my body decides to kick it for reasons of its own, and the only way for me to avoid it is to avoid situations where it'll come up. I deliberately go home for the holidays, and the passing of time is very triggering, so I'm not terribly surprised that it hit, but it still sucks that I'm still inflicted with it. That's the number one thing that I would want from healing and that I'm looking for from LTU: stop the attacks of sheer existential terror when I'm in my body. So far it hasn't happened.]

I appreciate your feedback, though. I wish I could say that I'm making progress, but it's hard to say if I am or not. When the existential terror comes up and crushes me, it feels like I'm not getting anywhere.

I understand. I feel the same way about mt progress with E2. I hope I'm making progress, but it doesn't feel like I'm making progress. Then again, the Naturalizer is a part of the process, so who knows? It could just be the naturalizer at play.

[whome]

I understand. I feel the same way about mt progress with E2. I hope I'm making progress, but it doesn't feel like I'm making progress. Then again, the Naturalizer is a part of the process, so who knows? It could just be the naturalizer at play.

Perhaps. We'll see, won't we?

Day 57

I'm sleeping in the guest room in my brother's basement. I sleep very lightly, and noises keep me up. In my apartment, there's popping in the walls and in the radiators, but for the past few months on LTU I've managed to sleep without earplugs, which lets me get in my loops via ultrasonic overnight. Last night I got some loops in ultrasonically, but the pinging and the creaking and the popping got to be too much, so I put in earplugs. I'm finishing off my loops this morning with hybrid stream.

My dreams seem slightly better, maybe? It's still hard to remember what they are about, especially when I sleep so lightly that I bounce in and out of sleep.

[findingme]

Just to let you know, I have used foam earplugs to dampen noise both at work and on my scooter (wind noise). I'll let you know I'm still affected by the subs when playing it from my phone in my chest pocket.

[whome]

Just to let you know, I have used foam earplugs to dampen noise both at work and on my scooter (wind noise).  I'll let you know I'm still affected by the subs when playing it from my phone in my chest pocket.

I'm working off the chart from here which looks like:



which shows a 40db attenuation at 17 kHz. Given that data, I usually just stop the playback and pick it up during the day.

[whome]

Day 58

The house was pretty quiet last night, so I was able to get my loops in overnight, ultrasonically. On the other hand, there's something about the basement (temperature?) that is wrecking my sleep. This morning I could barely peel myself out of bed.

This is the last of the days on. Tomorrow and the day after, I'm off. Also, I return home on Thursday, which means a familiar bed and hopefully better sleep.

[whome]

Day 60

Back at home.

This morning, I was talking to my brother's wife before I headed to the airport, and she asked me if I had a good time. Grief hit me so hard. I've been so raw this past week, and that seemed to cap it off.

But I flew home, and walking into my apartment I felt myself relax deeply in a way I couldn't at home. I dunno if that was me not feeling safe to just do whatever, or not feeling OK in the house, or being around reminders of the past.

Back on for another four days starting tomorrow.

[whome]

Day 61

Last night I slept OK, which is a step up from where I was in my brother's house. The dream was ok; there was a self-driving car, which is a flashback to the Mazda that I rented that had adaptive cruise control (weird stuff), and there was a woman giving me encouragement that the singing that I was doing was alluring.

Otherwise, work's crazy; I have to talk to a different team and tell them to stop what they're doing. Oh so fun.

[whome]

Day 63

Continuing tiredness when I wake up. Chaos continues at work; this time it looks like a different team made a decision that is affecting my team's external partners, and I'm handling it alone. I hope it goes well.

Meanwhile, in other news, way back at the beginning of April, a friend had a party that I went to, and I spent some time talking to a girl about my experience with leaving religion (she's religious but fascinated by that). On one hand her facial features didn't really do it for me, but she had quite skinny legs and that was pretty hot. I didn't know what to do, though, and she lives waaay out in the far reaches of the city, so I said a "catch you later".

Our common friend said that she'd asked about me, so I friended her on Facebook; she said hi. Now what, I'm not sure. I've never been too good with relationships here, and the distance and the common friend add in a mix of confusion on my part.

I'll respond, but am unsure how I even want it to proceed.

(Request to the universe: more situations where there is a clearer 'yes' would be appreciated.)

[whome]

Day 64

Last of the days on.

Dreamt something about being a prisoner? There was a big sports game with people singing the national anthem at it, so I sang the national anthem for them. And then got feedback from someone that I was slightly off-key, and feeling that it was understandable because it took me a while to find my vocal groove.

[whome]

Day 67

I'm sleeping pretty poorly; a combination of ear infections, wall popping, and my usual not-awesome sleep.

On one hand bank accounts are disappearing from my account page. On the other hand, at work I was able to prevail in a tricky cross-group conflict, leading my group to convince a different group that they needed to go in a different route.

I'm still wrestling with emotions. They're still very raw, and I'm still having trouble finding arousal at all, and more trouble finding it without grief and terror.

[whome]

Day 70

So both of my ears are infected. Joy. I'm treating them now, but that does correspond with my terrible sleep.

Otherwise, nothing to say. I can't see anything that I can attribute to LTU. Today's the last of the days-on.

[whome]

Day 71

Ear infection isn't clearing much.

I'm wondering if the ultrasonic is strong enough. If I switch to hybrid, though, it's unlikely that I'll be able to get through the loops back-to-back with no interruption.