06-16-2019, 06:52 PM
Day 112
I'm still pondering the 5-MeO and have questions out to people who might help. No answers yet. I will elaborate no further, as per the request by Benjamin. Please let me know if this is too much, or if it's OK.
Meanwhile, I've been listening to LTU5 as much as I can; overnight just a straight-up looping of the ultrasonic (not caring any more about getting exactly 5 loops), and during the day as much looping of the hybrid trickling stream as I can. About the same time I went back on the "adrenal support" supplement that I stopped. I'm feeling a tiny bit better, but I'm still feeling the grief underlying everything.
A few days ago I had a session with a sexuality coach, and the topic of body shame came up. She asked what I disliked about my body, and I answered with a good 15 minutes of things that I either hated in the past but have mostly gotten over (mostly), or things that still push the "you are broken and fundamentally unlikeable" button that expresses itself in my body in much the same way as the existential grief does.
There seems to be some kind of requirement to see yourself as attractive before others will, and I don't. When I was a kid, my undesirability was drilled into my head by my family and classmates (everything from my ears to my teeth to my voice, to being told, literally, that "no one wants to hear what you have to say"), and that never shifted one bit in puberty, so that shame in existing and avoiding people because I was unwanted mapped into a feeling of sexual unwantedness.
My sexuality coach and I are trying to figure out how to make me feel desirable. It's not clear how to proceed. Given that the self-image of myself burns in the same way that existential grief does, I'm also hoping that perhaps the drug work might affect that part of me, too.
I'm still pondering the 5-MeO and have questions out to people who might help. No answers yet. I will elaborate no further, as per the request by Benjamin. Please let me know if this is too much, or if it's OK.
Meanwhile, I've been listening to LTU5 as much as I can; overnight just a straight-up looping of the ultrasonic (not caring any more about getting exactly 5 loops), and during the day as much looping of the hybrid trickling stream as I can. About the same time I went back on the "adrenal support" supplement that I stopped. I'm feeling a tiny bit better, but I'm still feeling the grief underlying everything.
A few days ago I had a session with a sexuality coach, and the topic of body shame came up. She asked what I disliked about my body, and I answered with a good 15 minutes of things that I either hated in the past but have mostly gotten over (mostly), or things that still push the "you are broken and fundamentally unlikeable" button that expresses itself in my body in much the same way as the existential grief does.
There seems to be some kind of requirement to see yourself as attractive before others will, and I don't. When I was a kid, my undesirability was drilled into my head by my family and classmates (everything from my ears to my teeth to my voice, to being told, literally, that "no one wants to hear what you have to say"), and that never shifted one bit in puberty, so that shame in existing and avoiding people because I was unwanted mapped into a feeling of sexual unwantedness.
My sexuality coach and I are trying to figure out how to make me feel desirable. It's not clear how to proceed. Given that the self-image of myself burns in the same way that existential grief does, I'm also hoping that perhaps the drug work might affect that part of me, too.
I share the details of my life in my posts to help in the understanding of the effects of the subliminals I use. I am only open to advice that relates to the use of the subliminals.
