whome's LTU5 journal

[whome]

If you're reacting to it, something has to be executing somewhere.

Fair point. I meant, like, good execution, like when I was doing DMSI, the part where the women would be all over me, not the bummer execution, where I wake tired

Day 9

For a while, I've been aware of this sense of who I could be, walking around, fully alive, turned up to 11, and feeling into that felt both right and terrifying. There was this powerful fear attached to that, and then, of course, the shame that I couldn't turn that fear off and find the "real me" in there".

I was at my acupuncturist last night, and on the table my mind started to wander, and it started wondering where my center of being would be if I were to be in that space. So I felt into it energetically, and explored feeling that way. And that feeling persisted after the session, to the point where a part of me was chasing what it would feel like to feel that way. I went to bed feeling that way.

I woke tired, though that's kind of expected as I find it hard to fall asleep with the ultrasonic going and I had an alarm this morning. I'm still feeling pretty alive, so that's really good. I've felt like this before, too, and so a part of me sees a decline in mood coming. But for now I'll take it. And it's a good sign that I was chasing feeling like it, and that it felt good to chase it, as I can't remember that happening before.