09-17-2018, 07:59 AM
And here's my last (yes, lengthy) detour-from-DMSI postcard before 3.3 comes out.
Salvaged 2 of 3 failed drives, but the third, which contained my old DMSI (and other IML) downloads, is little more than flotsam after months of non-stop effort. Some might see the loss of audio files and my only audio device as SE resistance going for scorched earth, while others might call it 3.3's TID preventing a return to 3.1. I call it an inconvenience, the loss of irreplaceable data, and several forced upgrades.
I did skip the 3.2 era, yes. Still unclear on whether "not distinguish[ing] between uses" (during 3.2 development) or "only when escapism" (recently) was chosen for the Wall, since both have been claimed as qualifiers (the two sound mutually exclusive to me), but the 3.2 reports haven't worried me. As long as things like suppressing fantasizing doesn't blunt my creativity, suppressing porn doesn't cause me to refuse nudes sent by lovers, and suppressing masturbation doesn't interfere with foreplay/mutual masturbation, I have no lingering Wall concerns.
Either way, my instincts told me to skip 3.2 and wait for 3.3, so, however anyone else may rate my choices against their own values, that's their dissatisfaction with my choices, not mine.
I'd already begun SE before 3.2 came out, and, as my 3.1 journal had paraphrased more than once: Higher self-esteem had been a major goal of mine. I wanted to give it undivided attention, so I did. Having done that, once 3.3's released, I can finally run DMSI for fun, without a forced agenda to repair my self-esteem inefficiently by minor bullet point.
As I do plan to run 3.3, I expect to provide feedback when I do.
I've recounted the highlights of my detour-from-DMSI already, but I'd deliberately omitted attraction-related observations. With this being a pre-3.3 post, I'll quickly redress that:
Lastly, I may have experienced TID from 3.3 a little over a week ago, and, if so, I feel compelled to reiterate my preference for being seduced because someone highly values me, not because someone merely sees me as a seduction challenge out of high value to others. That night, I'd encountered someone (who I hadn't seen since my 3.1 run) who practically chased off other people to get me to herself, but she's someone who doesn't actually want me for any of what I am. (That's not low self-esteem talking. It's her being possessive for the sake of having what others value without valuing it herself.)
I'll try to explain: Winning me as the arbitrary prize of competition makes my participation irrelevant. If a woman doesn't want to win me (only to win the competition), then I'm a decidedly unwise choice in trophy. I have no aspirations to be the prize; a prize is only an arbitrary symbol of how competitive the winner is, not something independently worth being won. The competitive winner doesn't care if they've earned a blue ribbon, a first-prize trophy, a picture in the paper, or a gold star -- they just want proof that they've won/placed first, and I'd rather be won by someone looking for me, not someone who'd just as happily take home a blue ribbon or a "Best in Show" title. If it's only sex, why do I care? Why not enjoy it while it lasts? Because 1) I see sex as an option, not a quota or an endangered species, 2) refusing to share me is different from offering me sex, and 3) I've agreed to offers from the halfhearted before, and calling it unsatisfying sex would be a compliment.
Salvaged 2 of 3 failed drives, but the third, which contained my old DMSI (and other IML) downloads, is little more than flotsam after months of non-stop effort. Some might see the loss of audio files and my only audio device as SE resistance going for scorched earth, while others might call it 3.3's TID preventing a return to 3.1. I call it an inconvenience, the loss of irreplaceable data, and several forced upgrades.
I did skip the 3.2 era, yes. Still unclear on whether "not distinguish[ing] between uses" (during 3.2 development) or "only when escapism" (recently) was chosen for the Wall, since both have been claimed as qualifiers (the two sound mutually exclusive to me), but the 3.2 reports haven't worried me. As long as things like suppressing fantasizing doesn't blunt my creativity, suppressing porn doesn't cause me to refuse nudes sent by lovers, and suppressing masturbation doesn't interfere with foreplay/mutual masturbation, I have no lingering Wall concerns.
Either way, my instincts told me to skip 3.2 and wait for 3.3, so, however anyone else may rate my choices against their own values, that's their dissatisfaction with my choices, not mine.
I'd already begun SE before 3.2 came out, and, as my 3.1 journal had paraphrased more than once: Higher self-esteem had been a major goal of mine. I wanted to give it undivided attention, so I did. Having done that, once 3.3's released, I can finally run DMSI for fun, without a forced agenda to repair my self-esteem inefficiently by minor bullet point.As I do plan to run 3.3, I expect to provide feedback when I do.
I've recounted the highlights of my detour-from-DMSI already, but I'd deliberately omitted attraction-related observations. With this being a pre-3.3 post, I'll quickly redress that:
- During the first SE run, a few women (who I didn't want at all) really wanted me. Living without the anti-sniper made me appreciate how much extra attention may have been kept at bay, but having it around may have had side-effects too: one friend still seeks repeated assurances that I don't hate her.
- As soon as I started the PTPA side-trip (which I took to balance out what had turned negative for me on SE), two women who've been into me for over two decades demonstrated a great deal of increased interest. One of them actually got over her fear of sleeping with me and her fear of increased emotional attachment.
- During the second SE run, established reactions from the first run intensified, and I eventually experienced roughly the same amount of social disinhibition (while sober) as alcohol had previously produced. Possibly more.
- During the USLM snack-before-3.3, I've encountered the right people at the wrong times and observed lots of unexpected disinhibition on the part of others. I've also been greeted/approached by various people for no reason at all. Sometimes, almost as if they expected me to explain to them why they came up to me.
- During PTPA, I had a few health-changing epiphanies, and my body's inflammatory responses have decreased significantly since then.
- During USLM, my OCD rules/rituals have relaxed a little. I can't say if this is USLM's key script, the updated skeleton script, external factors, or any combination thereof, but life's definitely becoming less of an OCD obstacle course.
- During USLM, I seem less affected by loss, failure, and misfortune than I typically have been, but also (according to others, since I'm trying to remain impartial) much more prone to encountering such setbacks than usual. Almost as if I have to overcome more challenges to seem successful for having survived them.
Lastly, I may have experienced TID from 3.3 a little over a week ago, and, if so, I feel compelled to reiterate my preference for being seduced because someone highly values me, not because someone merely sees me as a seduction challenge out of high value to others. That night, I'd encountered someone (who I hadn't seen since my 3.1 run) who practically chased off other people to get me to herself, but she's someone who doesn't actually want me for any of what I am. (That's not low self-esteem talking. It's her being possessive for the sake of having what others value without valuing it herself.)
I'll try to explain: Winning me as the arbitrary prize of competition makes my participation irrelevant. If a woman doesn't want to win me (only to win the competition), then I'm a decidedly unwise choice in trophy. I have no aspirations to be the prize; a prize is only an arbitrary symbol of how competitive the winner is, not something independently worth being won. The competitive winner doesn't care if they've earned a blue ribbon, a first-prize trophy, a picture in the paper, or a gold star -- they just want proof that they've won/placed first, and I'd rather be won by someone looking for me, not someone who'd just as happily take home a blue ribbon or a "Best in Show" title. If it's only sex, why do I care? Why not enjoy it while it lasts? Because 1) I see sex as an option, not a quota or an endangered species, 2) refusing to share me is different from offering me sex, and 3) I've agreed to offers from the halfhearted before, and calling it unsatisfying sex would be a compliment.
