mat422 alpha journal

[mat422]

Thanks Ryan, I've been fortunate enough to never experience anxiety to the extent that it stops me from going to school or being in public. I can't imagine how bad that is. At the same time I do feel that some tasks feel impossible and I tend to put them off. Talking on the phone used to be awful for me and it still is depending on who I am calling.

A couple guys on here had the same relationship with their dad as I did and I find it interesting that social anxiety tends to be present in their life. I've noticed for a while now I have an aversion to my dad. I don't hate him, but I feel very uncomfortable around him a lot. This was even before starting these subliminals. I wonder if all his years of yelling when I was a child made a long lasting impact of how I behave around him. I don't consciously resent him, it seems more like an automatic reaction that I have to keep under control a lot.

[Spiral]

Thanks to subs and previous self imporvement I've been able to act completely relaxed and normal around my dad. Mainly because of my zen mindset I've adopted over the passed several months. My dad still gives me tone when we're on the phone or even face to face so I give him tone back but I've been able to balance it out mixing that tone with a more relaxed I could care less kind of tone. That's the best way I can describe it and he doesn't flip his shit about it. In the past he'd say "YOU DON'T GIVE ME THAT TONE BOY." or something along those lines. I usually get aggravated as well with him as soon as he's giving me tone and he can sense that. When we're face to face he can tell much more easily and he stops and controls himself. In the past he wouldn't let me get away with that behavior because of the amount of power he always thought he had over me. Sure he has some power over me now but it's more just like 1% more. Just because he's my dad. But I don't put up with his shit anymore. I'm tired of it. God knows what he would have done 10 years ago if I felt this same way.

I think things have changed for the better mainly due to the fact that I glare into his eyes now. I never used to.. I could barely ever look at him because of this trauma he caused me. I would hate facing him.. even talking to him back in the day. this went on throughout high school. I've always had the utmost respect for him but I was also afraid of him. Only in the last couple of years I've been able to release any and all fear and anger regarding my dad. I love him now.

[Ryan]

I've had some similar changes in stage 1. I had moments where my dad would piss me off to the extent that I felt the need to give a tone back. I remember day when we were snowed in, he was out of town and my Mom kept trying to get me to stay in. I wanted to go see a girlfriend so I said I'll do whatever I want to do. She got pissed off and called my dad who told me I was so stupid for wanting to leave and got a tone with me over the phone. I simply put the phone down, laughed at my mom for calling him and said I'm not listening to him and made her leave my room.

[mat422]

Tonights the last night of stage 1 2010. I'm pretty excited to be moving on to stage 2 and using the 2011 version. I figured I wrap up what stage 1 has done for me so I have something to look back on.

- My movement is very flowing and relaxed. Before I had to consciously tell myself to relax, but now its on autopilot and it feels really smooth.

-I speak my mind more often without fear of the consequences.

-I am less reactive towards negativity, I can usually just laugh it off.

-My voice projects a lot better, probably because I feel so relaxed.

-I'm more outgoing, but at the same time am completely comfortable with silence

-I'm beginning to feel that people have no power over me. Authority figures like teachers and stuff, I respect them but at the same time I won't tolerate any nonsense from them.

-I am way more indifferent. I kind of have the attitude of it's cool if it happens and if it doesn't that's also cool.

-My standards for girls has gone up lol. I'm also not as blinded by a pretty face, I look beyond that and watch out for manipulative or bratty behavior, instant disqualifier right there.

I'd say that so far that this subliminal has worked wonders. There's probably other stuff I'm not realizing because I've already internalized it and it feels natural. But this is definitely the most change I have ever gotten out of any kind of self improvement.

[Patti]

Tonights the last night of stage 1 2010. I'm pretty excited to be moving on to stage 2 and using the 2011 version. I figured I wrap up what stage 1 has done for me so I have something to look back on.

- My movement is very flowing and relaxed. Before I had to consciously tell myself to relax, but now its on autopilot and it feels really smooth.

-I speak my mind more often without fear of the consequences.

-I am less reactive towards negativity, I can usually just laugh it off.

-My voice projects a lot better, probably because I feel so relaxed.

-I'm more outgoing, but at the same time am completely comfortable with silence

-I'm beginning to feel that people have no power over me. Authority figures like teachers and stuff, I respect them but at the same time I won't tolerate any nonsense from them.

-I am way more indifferent. I kind of have the attitude of it's cool if it happens and if it doesn't that's also cool.

-My standards for girls has gone up lol. I'm also not as blinded by a pretty face, I look beyond that and watch out for manipulative or bratty behavior, instant disqualifier right there.

I'd say that so far that this subliminal has worked wonders. There's probably other stuff I'm not realizing because I've already internalized it and it feels natural. But this is definitely the most change I have ever gotten out of any kind of self improvement.

Wow, that's SOME testimonial! Good for you!

[Ryan]

Tonights the last night of stage 1 2010. I'm pretty excited to be moving on to stage 2 and using the 2011 version. I figured I wrap up what stage 1 has done for me so I have something to look back on.

- My movement is very flowing and relaxed. Before I had to consciously tell myself to relax, but now its on autopilot and it feels really smooth.

-I speak my mind more often without fear of the consequences.

-I am less reactive towards negativity, I can usually just laugh it off.

-My voice projects a lot better, probably because I feel so relaxed.

-I'm more outgoing, but at the same time am completely comfortable with silence

-I'm beginning to feel that people have no power over me. Authority figures like teachers and stuff, I respect them but at the same time I won't tolerate any nonsense from them.

-I am way more indifferent. I kind of have the attitude of it's cool if it happens and if it doesn't that's also cool.

-My standards for girls has gone up lol. I'm also not as blinded by a pretty face, I look beyond that and watch out for manipulative or bratty behavior, instant disqualifier right there.

I'd say that so far that this subliminal has worked wonders. There's probably other stuff I'm not realizing because I've already internalized it and it feels natural. But this is definitely the most change I have ever gotten out of any kind of self improvement.

I had the same exact changes as you had, however, mine were more subtle and less noticeable for myself. The other thing was that I found myself more and more depressed towards the end of the stage. But I think that could also deal with Carpe Diem and not so much allowing myself to look forward to events when I have a bad, rather I keep focus on how shitty I feel right now.

[mat422]

Yeah I had a bit of depression during stage 1 as well. It's very important not to resist it and just allow it to be there. I tend to resist depression because I think its wrong, but then my emotions tend to get suppressed. I've been working with a book on trauma release that Ben introduced me to and it's been helping a lot. When I used to think of trauma I thought of war veterans, but I've learned that just having anxiety over the years has created deep rooted trauma inside my body. The exercises in the book has helped me release a lot of tension and anxiety that normal meditation never really got to.

[Ryan]

Are you doing 2011? I'm noticing huge changes all of a sudden, check my journal ;P

[mat422]

I just started the 2011 sub last night, so its still a little early to tell. But I'm hearing really good things about 2011 so I'm super psyched about it.

[tx09]

mat, are you talking about the trauma release process by david bercelli?

[Benjamin]

Yeah that's it. I haven't done it for a few days, but have found it very good

[batman]

whats the book about? im doing AM11 now...and i got some depressing moment right now. it might help...

[mat422]

Yeah that's it. I haven't done it for a few days, but have found it very good

I like to do it everyday as a way to prevent the stress from accumulating. I've found if I go a few days without it my mind is kind of hectic and all over the place. But that's just me, everyone is different.

whats the book about? im doing AM11 now...and i got some depressing moment right now. it might help...

The book is mostly about trauma and using our bodies natural tremoring process to release deep chronic tension stuck inside our bodies. When most people think of trauma they think only of single traumatic events that create PTSD. But this book shows that even a cumulative amount of stress can lead to trauma stored in the body. Everybody has some degree of trauma that can be released.

As a side note

I just realized that I haven't been breathing right during the course of the day. Anxiety tends to make me tense so my diaphragm isn't as relaxed as it should be. Breathing from the belly definitely helps and reduces the fight or flight response. My throat pretty much closed up the the other day in class while I was talking because my breathing was too shallow. Breathing properly is something I should try to instill as a habit from now on.

[mat422]

2/8/11

Every so often I get an insight or some breakthrough from the subliminal that I feel I have to jot down. Prior to starting alpha male I was very hesitant because I didn't want to lose who I was. But my whole image of an alpha male was the medias presentation of it. I feel like with the help of this subliminal my personality is getting magnified while all my limiting beliefs and untrue statements about myself are being minimized. It's really just letting my core self shine through like never before.

Anyway I'm beginning to feel much more at ease. I'm also realizing that I'm less serious in general, in fact I can't stand some of those guys who put on a fake alpha persona in order to feel dominating. I just laugh because they are trying so hard and caught up in neurotic thinking about how tough they have to be. I realized a lot in the past, my fear of people made me put up a kind of shield and a seriousness that made it really hard to relax. I always felt on edge and I know other people felt it too and I probably gave off a bad vibe.

About 2 weeks ago there was something weird I noticed. I was in a pretty lousy mood and I was in one of my classes. I HATE desks, I have legs like a stork and cramming them under a desk is very uncomfortable for me. So I usually stretch them out and lean back in my chair instead sitting upright. Anyway the desks behind me and in front of me are both empty. I have about 40 other people in my class, almost every desk was filled except the one in front of me and behind me. So it was like I was projecting some aura that told people not to invade my personal space lol. I was relatively early to class and as each person walked in the door they would look at me and then try to find a spot that wasn't close to me.

Last week I did the same exact thing, except I was actually in a good mood and more people sat around me than before. When I'm in a bad mood I feel like people can actually feel that, but it's not from body language.