journal de la dissonance

[dissonance]

You know the feeling after a bad experience or a self-esteem damaging action or event? Like fapping to porn when you are trying to quit? or having an argument with a toxic ***** mother who is almost narcissistic in her nature, always taking no blame, putting all the blame on you, shaming you to the cold, bitter end? or just having one of those achingly familiar moments where everything you're dissatisfied with flashes before you like a sick-humored parody of your Facebook highlight reel?

That pervasive cloud of negativity and thick aura of self-loathing that makes you say and believe, "I ***** suck"; yes you know it, and you know it well. Or maybe you don't. If that's the case, congratufuckinglations. If not, you're feeling right at home, eh? Don't worry, there's a positive side to this post. Yes. Subs. Hah subs, biatch! In the past, this cloud, this permeating aura of fuckthisshit would engulf me and take me deeper into that world. You know that world, yes. Now, I don't mean to trigger one of your own "familiar moments" like the one I mentioned earlier, but yes, you know that world, don't you?

Anyways, back to my point. I don't know if people normally deal with the all consuming cloud in a similar way, but over the past few months, I've developed this power inside me, this glowing entity of strength that pushes back the cloud with it's bare hands, and I'm able to come out of the experience or action or moment with less damage than usual to my very human soul. Subs is the reason why, and if you want to get technical, OGSF-5G is why.

I'm predicting that in time, this glowing entity inside me will be able to better fight back the heavy aura of fuckthisshit, and let less and less of the cloud slip through it's fingers. In time, who knows, maybe my glowing entity will develop it's own shield to repel fuckthisshit's unrelenting assault. Though, even then, fuckthisshit' will be coming at it from all directions, and that shield won't be invincible. What I'm rooting for, is that it forms it's own great wall of sorts, tall and mighty, shutting out cloud-fuckthisshit once and for all in every direction, making it easier for me to do and get what I want in this life. That would be ***** great.


Oh and the thing that made me have to express myself like this which I've never done before in the form of writing, was an argument with my mom about one hour ago, which consisted of the same ***** shaming and scolding, trying to guilt trip me and shit like that when yes, I am somewhat childish when dealing with her shit, but she is just that hard of a person to deal with, and tries to put all the fault and blame on the person who she is arguing with. I completely understand why my dad wanted to divorce her. Anyways after the argument, I asked for money to pick up some food (which I was going to do for my mom and sister and I for lunch), but she said she didn't want to eat anymore, and gave me the money and said some passive aggressive guilt-tripping toxic ***** to me, trying to make me feel bad for taking the money to get food. I also heard my sister (who is also toxic, but less so) scoff at me for still asking for the money after the argument. In the past I probably would have just taken it, and ....**** it i don't feel like telling the rest of the story even though theres not much left.

*edit* actually i'll tell it anyways because it's directly related to the inner changes to due OGSF 5G. Normally I would have just taken the money and gotten the food for myself, but this time, after my mom pulled that guilt-tripping and shaming ***** to make me feel bad for taking the money to still get food for myself even though she's not eating anymore, along with my sister scoffing, i said something along the lines of "you know what screw it you keep your money, i don't want it anymore" then i apologized, and told her shes a very hard person to deal with (at which she scoffed at), and that she can't put all that shit on me, because it's unfair. then I went into my room and in a fit of rage punched the wall for a few seconds and dented the wall. yes it was childish, but that's what living at home brings out in me. Also, i would have let it bring me down in the past; this time I've become stronger and more determined afterwards. I'm done with this shit, I need to get a job and move the **** out.

Shit dude, I can relate to this ALOT. I'm in the process of moving out and I cant ***** wait. whatever your mothers intention, good or bad, it's the toxic dynamic between you and her that is enough reason to move out ASAP.

I'll be keeping an eye on your progress

Nice, it's gonna be fucking awesome when you do. How long have you been living with her?