healing

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Emotional Pain Relief and Healing Aid

Day 1
I couldn't be more excited to start this program after the indications of success I had from Absolute Self Confidence. My goal is ultimately to prove that these subliminal programs have an effect on me before investing in Alpha Male 6.0.

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Day 2
Wow. Running this subliminal is exhausting! I woke up tired this morning and I put my head down and the subliminal on this afternoon and suddenly 3 hours were gone. I'm sitting here feeling like I've just come out of general anaesthesia.

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Day 3
I feel dull, clouded and like my intelligence has dropped a couple of points. I also still feel exhausted; it's difficult getting 8 hours in let alone 12.

I have started having dreams with themes of being hunted by authority and attempting to escape from society so as to avoid getting caught.

This subliminal is tough and I'm not even sure it's doing anything yet.

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Day 5
The haze has lifted. I've started playing games again though. But this time playing games doesn't feel like it's something I shouldn't be doing.

The dreams are gone. I haven't had strange dreams since day 3.

I'm finding that a lot of things I used to do automatically previously I now have to think about. "Should I brush my teeth?", "I forgot to prepare for breakfast tomorrow". I'm not following my routine. A lot of things that I used to do consistently for my own benefit have become laborious simply because I need to do them consciously now. It's a decision now as opposed to being automatic. Which means I've lost my consistency that was helping me reach some things I'm working towards.

It's starting to feel like procrastination but it doesn't have the negative, avoidance, edge.

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Day 6
I have noticed the effects of Absolute Self Confidence fading in what I would call my conscious self confidence. I still pull out the occasional (appropriately) cocky remark now which is the most noticeable difference from the ASC, otherwise I'm just feeling more exposed since starting EPRHA.

I have also noticed a trend that I definitely now label procrastination (it had been so long I wasn't quite sure if this was it or something else).

I'm putting all of this down to having built my action orientation (Just Do It/Get Shit Done) and my self-confidence on poor foundations--as compensations if you will. I believe EPRHA is undoing a lot of positive behaviour because it is undoing the negative foundations upon which they were built. So right now I'm seeing things that I perceived as positives for my life disappearing. But it's all in the journey I suppose.

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Day 7
It seems like my motivation issue is disappearing. I find myself getting into action rather easily again.

I took my dog for a walk this morning and again this afternoon. I also found myself getting into action at work today which is a change from the past weeks malaise.

I've noticed some temperament issues within myself. I'm quite aggressive and short tempered. I equate dominant with aggressive.

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Day 10
I've been watching a lot of Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan and I've started walking my dog twice a day to train her. The procrastination spell is largely gone. I am however spending too much time playing games on my phone still which is getting in the way of some of my other goals.

I haven't had dreams for a while but I had some last night. I don't remember all of it but I do remember it was in a setting I had dreamt of before. I found myself in a shopping mall, on the lowest floor all of which is a large discount store. The only bit I really remember is that I was looking for drum sticks but that the ones they had for sale were not sanded and really poor quality. This was anxiety provoking because I now had no way to play the drums I was meant to be playing. Not that I can remember why I was meant to be playing them haha.

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Day 12
I've found myself being really introspective and insightful. I have a lot of "realisations" where suddenly some emotion or behaviour I haven't paid attention to becomes obvious and I suddenly understand myself better.

I think EPRHA is for life. Once I have completed Alpha Male and Woman Magnet I think I will just put EPRHA on for the rest of my life. I'm really enjoying it.

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Day 14
I'm feeling really irritated. I don't really want to do any of the things that are good for me. Routines and are slipping again. I've skipped or not fully completed my weekly calisthenics exercises and have made excuses instead. I haven't made any more progress on my business and right now I really don't want to. I'm in a state of stasis where I'm choosing to do nothing because everything and everyone is annoying and irritating. I'm resisting life.

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Day 17
I don't really know how to conceptualise what I'm experiencing. I'm less diligent and disciplined. I experience bodily and mental tension when I listen to the program. I'm feeling irate. I let routines slip and then feel vague disapproval at myself for doing so in amongst the complete apathy. I'm behaving like I have no hope or am feeling depressed but it's not reflected in my mental state. I'm behaving like I felt a long time ago and mentally I'm more stable and level than I've ever been. The discordance is confusing.

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Day 18
I have a lot of interest in self-determination theory and, separately, the release technique. Based on what I've learned and am learning I've hypothesised that a lot of what I'm experiencing is due to setting my life up around extrinsic motivations (money, status, etc). I have a lot of "wants" that are driving my actions instead of finding something that is intrinsically motivating and fulfilling.

It's a real challenge because letting go of these wants/ambitions/dreams feels like loosing something and taking a leap of faith into the blind unknown. I'm afraid that I will end up unsuccessful, unhappy, mediocre and full of regret if I don't pressure myself to start a business and become rich and successful. I want to travel and cruise on yachts all day and other similar things that represent freedom and I'm afraid that if I don't take deliberate action I'll end up being an average guy, with an average life, not living up to my full potential, and being pitied as a disappointment by my family.

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Day 19
I woke up with a ton of anger today. I feel sorry for my poor dog that had to go for a walk with me this morning. I think this anger has been here for a while now under the surface because of some past experiences. I don't like having it here but it's giving me the opportunity to release it using the release technique. It's difficult accepting its presence however, my body is tense, my mind is tense, I have no patience, my mind is stubborn and closed off, etc. It's robbing me of my freedom.

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Day 20
I have now regressed to the point where I don't get out of bed and into action when I wake up in the morning. Years ago my procrastination was so bad that I would lie in bed and try to convince or negotiate with myself just to get me to get out of bed in the morning--often just falling back asleep in the process and being late every morning.

For example, right now I'm procrastinating taking my dog for a walk by sitting here writing this up instead. And I may be late for work or not complete my daily morning routine before rushing out. I hope there is light at the end of this tunnel.

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Day 21
I'm feeling better today. It's hard to motivate myself to come and write about good days here because things are flowing along. I've dumped a ton of wanting using the release technique and I find myself noticing the quiet left over when my mind settles down.