about's alpha 5.0 journal

[About]

A few things.

First, sorry for not posting my experience. I can say definitely though, that AM5.0 is the real deal. Something about this program just changes you inside and makes you constantly reevaluate yourself and think about how I can make myself better.

Second, I should be done with stage 4 but I missed an entire week or so of it. Now I'm sure I'm just supposed to stack on the days that I missed, so I missed 10 days to be exact and prior to missing that I was supposed to be done in 7 days. How many days of stage 4 do I need to do to make up for my lost time?

[Shannon]

1.5x days missed.

[About]

Long story short, I've finished AM5.0, took a few weeks (2 or so weeks off) and have started the refresher 4 days ago on 4/11.

I was not planning on starting WM5G but I have just recently ended my relationship with my girlfriend. I was too foolish to think I could make it work and was definitely not sticking to my beliefs and values when I was with her. Big mistake on my part and the lesson learned for me was to never change my core beliefs so drastically just so I could... be with her?

Went a little something like this, met a girl, knew she wasn't right for me in the long run, entered a LTR with her anyway. Not doing that again. I know when she's right and when she's not, never keeping her around because of my fear of being lonely again.

Anyway, now I'm 4 days into am5.0 stage 7/refresher. Can I just skip this and go straight into woman magnet? What should I do. This is actually my first major - me doing the breaking up - break up. I want to run WM5G but I want to see what you will say (asking you, Shannon).

[Shannon]

I think you would benefit most from doing a month of AM 5.0 Stage 7 (Refresher), possibly mixed with Let Go Of Past Relationships, and then move on to Woman Magnet.

[Tiesto]

Strange coincidence, I also broke up with my girlfriend during Stage 6 of AM 5.0, and the worst part about it is, I trusted her a lot during the mid of our relationship, and after we broke up I somehow feel betrayed as she is now already with another guy and planning to get married with him, I'm having negatives thoughts in my mind, that she was two-timing me with this guy when she was with me since she can decide to get married with him so soon.. I don't know the real truth, and I shouldn't be thinking badly of her, but I can't help feeling upset by these negatives thoughts that my own mind created...

This feeling of neediness towards her is still strong within me, and I can't seem to think clearly with all these emotional rollercoaster, I hope my second run of AM can get rid of this neediness for good.

[Ryan]

Dude I went through the whole thing too. Actually I broke up with my girl in stage 3 I believe, and that was because my indifference became so strong I just didn't care anymore and I had more urges to date lots of women. Well now I am at the end of stage 5 and I just got back together with her. I think mostly what I needed was space. However, after we break up I got to the point where we were still seeing each other and it caused a lot of jealousy (as we were both trying to date other people) and we both couldn't let each other go no matter how much we fought (which was almost daily). I made the choice we needed to rekindle this relationship to get past all this confusion. It either works again or it doesn't, atleast we will know where we need to go next.

Tiesto, truth be told, she is most likely using this guy as a rebound. If she's already planning to marry him...then obviously she has a lot of issues dealing with loneliness. Did you break up with her, or her you? I remember during AM and when I did SM before, I had lost girlfriends. And the only reason it seems to be is because of my indifference and their need for attention and affection. And because of that I always found someone stronger later on. It could be manifestation....perhaps, your new changes are pushing out what is wrong for you in order to get what you truly want. Some girls can be so insecure they feel they cannot handle our type. They think either they are not good enough which could make us want to cheat, they feel that perhaps we are so indifferent because we are busy with about 1000 other women (and a lot of women cannot handle all the attention), or they need someone who clings to them 24/7. My ex had BDD and extreme self-esteem issues. After she left me she settled with (and is marrying) a good little boy who goes to church with her every weekend, does everything she wants him to do and will give her full attention 24/7. I can not and will not do that. She still talks to me from time to time, makes him jealous Truth be told, when we broke up I completely realized i needed someone stronger and more confident, she knew this...and I later discovered that with my current girl (who can handle me).

[Tiesto]

Tiesto, truth be told, she is most likely using this guy as a rebound. If she's already planning to marry him...then obviously she has a lot of issues dealing with loneliness. Did you break up with her, or her you? I remember during AM and when I did SM before, I had lost girlfriends. And the only reason it seems to be is because of my indifference and their need for attention and affection. And because of that I always found someone stronger later on. It could be manifestation....perhaps, your new changes are pushing out what is wrong for you in order to get what you truly want. Some girls can be so insecure they feel they cannot handle our type. They think either they are not good enough which could make us want to cheat, they feel that perhaps we are so indifferent because we are busy with about 1000 other women (and a lot of women cannot handle all the attention), or they need someone who clings to them 24/7. My ex had BDD and extreme self-esteem issues. After she left me she settled with (and is marrying) a good little boy who goes to church with her every weekend, does everything she wants him to do and will give her full attention 24/7. I can not and will not do that. She still talks to me from time to time, makes him jealous Truth be told, when we broke up I completely realized i needed someone stronger and more confident, she knew this...and I later discovered that with my current girl (who can handle me).

What you said makes a lot of sense Ryan, I had some issues with my ex, there were a few times where for example where we set up a date for just a both of us, and she cancels out in the last minute, because she couldn't say "NO" to her group of friends who wanted to hangout with her at the same time, this pisses me off big time, because when I set a date/arrangement, or making a promise, I do my best to fulfill that promise, but when other people cancels out, I feel like they don't respect me enough for them to stick to the plans we've made, I guess this irritation was amplified during AM, whenever I feel disrespected or felt manipulated, I got super annoyed..

We had some tension for a few times, where we didn't talk to each other, and suddenly she decided it was best for us to go our separate way, because she didn't think our relationship would get anywhere as she desires to settle down and get married.. She's 29 right now, 2 months younger than me, and people in my culture put a lot of pressures on girls (especially her friends and family) that girls need to get married before 30 years old...

At first I didn't mind we broke up, and if she chose to get married that's her choice, but when I found out merely couple of weeks later she got a new guy already, and wanted to marry him, I became negative and suspicious, I thought about she must have known this guy for a while to be comfortable and sure enough to decide to marry him, I thought about how I put a lot of trust on her and she was two-timing me the whole time, I felt like my trust has been betrayed.. With my previous exes before her I don't usually put too much trust, and when we broke up, it doesn't bother me too much, but with this last one, it seems like a different case..

All these negative thoughts are clouding my mind, and I can't think clearly or rationally..

[Ryan]

Hmm yeah that could be the case Tiesto, as the reason for why she broke up with you. But then again she kept cancelling on you, that would just send a red flag. It's ok though, do you honestly want to be with someone like that? The best thing you can do for yourself is stop talking to her and forget about her completely. I know that is hard, but she sounds like someone who has just been playing around with you. I have the same issues during my AM run amplified anger when I didn't feel respected or felt I was being manipulated, it's part of it. Just don't try to blame yourself for all of this. And don't let that ego get to you. It's your 1st? run-through of AM. It's not going to make you perfect, but the more you go on, the more you're going to naturally keep these women away from you.

Is marriage what you really want anyways?

[Tiesto]

Hmm yeah that could be the case Tiesto, as the reason for why she broke up with you. But then again she kept cancelling on you, that would just send a red flag. It's ok though, do you honestly want to be with someone like that? The best thing you can do for yourself is stop talking to her and forget about her completely. I know that is hard, but she sounds like someone who has just been playing around with you. I have the same issues during my AM run amplified anger when I didn't feel respected or felt I was being manipulated, it's part of it. Just don't try to blame yourself for all of this. And don't let that ego get to you. It's your 1st? run-through of AM. It's not going to make you perfect, but the more you go on, the more you're going to naturally keep these women away from you.

Is marriage what you really want anyways?

I don't want to get married right now.. Still long way to go for that..

What you said is all true Ryan, thanks a lot for the advice, I really appreciate it, reading your posts always gives me different perspective on things that I missed out on.. I agree with you the best way is to totally disconnect from her, because it is no longer beneficial for me anyway to be in touch with her if it's only going to screw up with my mind.. And more AM runs is also in order..

[Sean]

One of the aspects of AM that I really notice is my ability to release a woman who doesn't meet my standards. The girl from NYE is a prime example. She was flaky. She continues to be flaky. Before AM, I'd have gotten all twisted up about it. Not now. I'm grateful I figured out that she's flaky early, reducing my investment loss on that relationship.

[About]

Going to be quick here, I thought I posted a reply before I left work yesterday afternoon. Hitting the hay soon.

Thanks for sharing all of your stories on here. I feel like I'm growing from having to go through this breakup (despite it being me breaking up with her). Reading about your experiences shows me that there's a lot more to come and it's a journey.

Also, I agree with Ryan on this Tiesto. He's got some good insight going.

For those AM runs, after last year I completed AM2011? or was that 12? not sure, but the one before AM5.0, I still felt those same thoughts that I feel like I can somewhat see in you. Once you hit that second run something will shift in you. I can't even imagine what 3 runs will do. Just give it time and play it patiently.

[Tiesto]

Thank you Sean and About for the advice.

[About]

I didn't really give you much advice, but I'll take the credit

[Sean]

Tiesto, I'm glad you found what I said useful. Many of us have been there, and we know how it sucks. At the same time, we're living proof that it gets better.