Who do you love - DMSI 3.3.2 Jandom Rusings

[Have at ye]

Funnily enough, I had pretty vivd dreams last night when looping the DMSI, and this time they were related to vidya-games. In my dream, I was playing a video-game. Seriously, that's all there was. I guess that still resisty-feary part would much rather play vidya-games than DMSI because, I guess, it's a pass-time wherein you get rewards (virtual, mostly) proportional to the amount of effort you put into it, lol. Which is always tempting, as "in life" you can put tons of effort towards something and get crap in return for *reasons*.

Feeling pretty well today, although, frankly, tired after the tour. I don't have to teach that singing class tonight, fortunately, as it's been moved two weeks hence which is neat as it'll give me some time to rest up and actually prepare for it, heh.

[Have at ye]

Oh, and by the way, the ocean surf/hybrid track is giving me way different wonky-but-pleasant sensations than the trickling stream/hybrid track for *reasons*. Funny that.

[Have at ye]

Just wanted to say that I've finished up my DMSI loops for the day, took about an hour of break, and am now DRSing, and I started feeling great and amazing and muhahahahaha!!!! I love it.

Also, after this, we're on break until Wednesday. "Wednesday" is a very stupid word to type out, BTW.

[Have at ye]

Now I'm feeling kinda rage-y and frustrated. Grrrrrrrr! Wrrrrr! Something's goin' on inside.

[Shannon]

Just wanted to say that I've finished up my DMSI loops for the day, took about an hour of break, and am now DRSing, and I started feeling great and amazing and muhahahahaha!!!! I love it.

Also, after this, we're on break until Wednesday. "Wednesday" is a very stupid word to type out, BTW.

Have you found that DMSI and DRS conflict?  I would expect they did... one is telling you to create an aura of sexiness and snipe people, and one is telling you to do something else completely with the same aura.

[Have at ye]

Huh. On that front, I haven't noticed them being in too much conflict TBH. Although I'll be on the lookout for that now. Maybe..? I don't know really, as I did not get anything too radical (at least in a positive fashion ) on the DMSI front prior to using the DRS together with this version. The most obvious results I got were on break days from DMSI + running the DRS.

[Have at ye]

Just wanted to say that I've finished up my DMSI loops for the day, took about an hour of break, and am now DRSing, and I started feeling great and amazing and muhahahahaha!!!! I love it.

Also, after this, we're on break until Wednesday. "Wednesday" is a very stupid word to type out, BTW.

Have you found that DMSI and DRS conflict?  I would expect they did... one is telling you to create an aura of sexiness and snipe people, and one is telling you to do something else completely with the same aura.

I thought about this a bit, and here's what I have noticed about the interplay of DMSI + DRS re: that lovely ex of mine. Now, when I'm/was doing pure DMSIng, without the DRS, she was visibly hot and bothered by it BUT she would react through trying to do a weird mix of obviously hitting on me sexually whilst at the same time trying to do a classic gamey push-pull + slandering me to any attractive female that would also show interest (she noticeably reverted to doing so on one day we met at a social gathering and I did not have the time for full two loops of DRS). Now, she's still showing signs of attraction (albeit not as overt and/or public, but I guess that was part of her "game"), but it's like, at the same time, she's *beginning to develop a conscience*, and it's noticeable enough that others have made note of it as well.

By the by, she's got a boyfriend of some sort right now, but like that's ever stopped her, lolololo.

[Have at ye]

I'm getting moments when I'm feeling totes awesome and everything [EDIT: and, in a way, complete], and then I get moments when I feel totally lost, derpy and totally unsure of myself. It's a wonky up-and-down kinda thing.

[Have at ye]

Seriously, it's like I get really, really excited about something/things in general, and then an hour or two later I'll be all like "blaaaaah, deeeeerp, let's not, that's stupid, you're stupid and worthless, there's no point, you're gonna fail and even if you don't, people are going to make you fail, blaaaah", and it's accompanied by a dark sensation coming from somewhere in my stomach, a bit to the right side, and it's going outward, circling the liver, and a little bit under my ribs on the right side, sometimes including the heart. That root thing in the perineum seems to have been fixed for now, so I guess it is progress, but now something different is being worked on. Seems like it's very much related to self-esteem and self-confidence. It's really, really annoying though.

[Kol]

Similar here and it drives me bonkers lol

[Have at ye]

Similar here and it drives me bonkers lol

High-five!

[Have at ye]

Like, seriously. Now I have Bardic frustrations. I met today with this pianist-composer dude I've been friends with for some time now, and he's a total bro and everything (although he did provide private information on me to SLA back in the day. Ehh, can't say I blame the guy, that woman can blinksmile with the best of them, lol), and he really, *really* wants to help me, but by doing so, he's kinda trying to force me into singing with bad technique and it's *extremely frustrating*. But he's currently the only pianist I know who's actually willing to help me out and isn't that crazy vocal coach of mine. Urrrgh. It's kinda like everyone's an expert on my voice, and only I have no fucking say about it, lol. URrrrrrrrrr. w.rw.rwr.wr.w.ar.aw.ra.apojtgeapjgapeojgapokar. Those are my current feelings on the situation.

[Have at ye]

Uggghhh, sent him a recording of good 'ol Cesare Siepi, maybe he'll come to the conclusion that *yes, it's actually fucking supposed to sound like this*, errereraeteakslkglkfjalkfjalkdjaklasjd, not like a lyric tenor pretending to be a bass. aeraejtaepojkapokfihjapoeka[ekra, wwrrrwrwrwrwrw.

[Have at ye]

Yah. I now know where that's been coming from. I've been consistently getting either contradictory and/or unclear instructions, or instructions that are actually harmful, and then - when something wouldn't work the way it should - I'd get blamed that it's all my fault that something is wrong, clearly I am not following the instructions and am stupid. Whenever I'd ask a question, or suggest something myself, it'd be disregarded. And, on the off chance I'd start getting something to actually work the way it should, I'd get punished by being told it's all wrong and I'm crap, clearly I should be following learned instructions. This, in essence, was my ~8 years of receiving vocal instruction at a prestigious conservatory.

And some of these fucks did this on purpose. F. in. I have recently realized that that vocal coach woman was trying to confuse me on purpose because she noticed *I am doing way better when I practice by myself than when working with her*. Grrr. And also because I started figuring this shit out on my own (and, should this trend take on, she'd be out of a job and a source of egotic supply, lol) and was even (and still am) better able to put it into practice.

By the by, I can easily trace this back to a great many situations from my childhood where similar situations would occur. Ughhhh. And this is why shit like that sets me off so much, and puts me in a state of confused emotions, a mixture of sadness, rage and anger.

What have these people done to me? It makes me feel as if I were insane at times, lol.

But, having realized that, I now feel a little bit better and more stable.