07-28-2019, 01:29 AM
Noticing wonky sensations going on in my left foot as well as around my throat. There are moments when I get a very light, bright feeling going on up to my heart, which is very welcome; it's kinda like that "cauterizing" sensation I've mentioned, but accompanied by, I dunno, a very pleasant sensation as well.
I'm also noticing that it sometimes goes up all the way to my mouth and nostrils. Feels as if I've just had a strong, refreshing mint or something, even though I haven't yet brushed my teeth, haha.
I'm noticing myself sighing in relief and feeling lighter afterwards at intervals.
I've noticed that there are several "knots", so to speak, in my subC, which are related to moments in life/sometimes even entire periods of time, when I remember experiencing anxiety and fear in response to particular sets of circumstances. Usually, in the end, nothing all that bad would happen in the end, but these "knots", so to speak, were moments when I was unable to process the cavalcade of contradictory internalized *external demands* and/or internalized *contradictory expectations* from others, with impossibly unpredictable responses by those others, regardless of whether the expectations I internalized were met or not, often with contradictory emotional responses coming from myself afterwards. These proverbial "knots" appear to have been "piling up" one atop the other from pretty early childhood as far as I can tell (no frickin' wonder my liver feels overworked!) - and no frickin' wonder they kept piling up! Very few adults I know would be able to make heads or tails of whatever the fuck was going on in these situations, let alone a little kid, and then, later - when it started seeping in into interpersonal relationships - a frickin' teenager who gets a boner every 5 minutes (that's kinda distracting
)!
Goddamn, I *now* would have a clue as whatever the hell, but even then it'd be based in a psychoanalytic approach where the answer usually is: "fuck if I know, ultimately only the analysand themselves can really know what's up with them!"
Well, logically, these "knots" are so... stupid there's no point in actually untangling them. So, the way I see it: 1st, forgive myself for not being able to "deal with it", 2nd, accept whatever happened and acknowledge none of it was my fault, 3rd, treat it as a "Gordian knot", so to speak - if something cannot be untangled, just frickin' cut it in half. Maybe also in a way like in that quote from Frank Herbert's "Dune": Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: 'Now, it's complete because it's ended here.'
Apart from that, I'm getting very enjoyable glimpses, thought,, ideas and images of a life filled with glory, abundant wealth and, of course, classy women. And there are so many, so enjoyable paths that can take me there! The possibilities are virtually limitless.
Gotta trust myself/my subC to pick the best and most enjoyable ones for me.
I'm also noticing that it sometimes goes up all the way to my mouth and nostrils. Feels as if I've just had a strong, refreshing mint or something, even though I haven't yet brushed my teeth, haha.
I'm noticing myself sighing in relief and feeling lighter afterwards at intervals.
I've noticed that there are several "knots", so to speak, in my subC, which are related to moments in life/sometimes even entire periods of time, when I remember experiencing anxiety and fear in response to particular sets of circumstances. Usually, in the end, nothing all that bad would happen in the end, but these "knots", so to speak, were moments when I was unable to process the cavalcade of contradictory internalized *external demands* and/or internalized *contradictory expectations* from others, with impossibly unpredictable responses by those others, regardless of whether the expectations I internalized were met or not, often with contradictory emotional responses coming from myself afterwards. These proverbial "knots" appear to have been "piling up" one atop the other from pretty early childhood as far as I can tell (no frickin' wonder my liver feels overworked!) - and no frickin' wonder they kept piling up! Very few adults I know would be able to make heads or tails of whatever the fuck was going on in these situations, let alone a little kid, and then, later - when it started seeping in into interpersonal relationships - a frickin' teenager who gets a boner every 5 minutes (that's kinda distracting
)!Goddamn, I *now* would have a clue as whatever the hell, but even then it'd be based in a psychoanalytic approach where the answer usually is: "fuck if I know, ultimately only the analysand themselves can really know what's up with them!"
Well, logically, these "knots" are so... stupid there's no point in actually untangling them. So, the way I see it: 1st, forgive myself for not being able to "deal with it", 2nd, accept whatever happened and acknowledge none of it was my fault, 3rd, treat it as a "Gordian knot", so to speak - if something cannot be untangled, just frickin' cut it in half. Maybe also in a way like in that quote from Frank Herbert's "Dune": Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: 'Now, it's complete because it's ended here.'
Apart from that, I'm getting very enjoyable glimpses, thought,, ideas and images of a life filled with glory, abundant wealth and, of course, classy women.
And there are so many, so enjoyable paths that can take me there! The possibilities are virtually limitless.Gotta trust myself/my subC to pick the best and most enjoyable ones for me.
"A man who is doing his True Will has the inertia of the Universe to assist him." - A. Crowley
