USLM V3 Journal

[Shannon]

I have been looking at how to transfer the key and core scripts to the latest skeleton script. That's what is taking up my time right now. The rest will come with time.

[findingme]

Some progress. It's deeper than what appears, and this is good.

I invested a small amount with another new trader 2 weeks back. A good return was promised, though I knew it could go either direction. My commitment to myself was that if I was paid, I'd reinvest. Well, numerous "delays" have come up. At least 3. Then he told me last night he had "good news", telling me he'd reinvested my profits for a higher return. I didn't reply, taking time to plan my reply. I've worked with other bad traders before, seeing similar games, and I knew I could simply blast a "******&&&(()*&&^^^^^^" comment back and close the door. I've done it before, never feeling fully at rest.

I replied early this morning, saying he was a liar, and I'd not play his game anymore. I'd paid for a simple return, he'd not given it, and he was still seeking more money to have me withdraw my money (yeah, he'd thrown that at me too). He even said he hated it when he was called a liar. I said I don't call people liars when they do what they said they'd do.

He's still going in circles. I don't f******* care. I've made a stand, and I'm parked there. No more output from me until he pays.

Why'd I share this? This runs deeper since I always thought aggression equaled abuse. Meaning "If I'm mad, I'll likely hurt you, for all anger equals harm to others".

I am listening to some emotional music (purposefully), for I am keeping my focus. But making my stand does not equal abuse. And me being abused is not allowed either. This is new.

This is deep for me. And moving too. It means I can make stands now without fearing....myself. This is a first.

Edit: I did call him more than a liar. I dropped f bombs left and right. I was, and am, pretty rational in all this (vs. afraid of my own anger)

[findingme]

I went circles with this trader again this afternoon. He's trying to extort money from me, and I called him a mafia landlord in my last blast of messages. I even took a picture of the definition of extortion and pasted it to him.

I walked a good bit an hour ago, and something felt familiar to me. Why was I so bothered? I remembered a wise question, and it's "where can you gain from this?" I was still angry and uncomfortable, yet I knew something was valuable in this. It sounds gawd-awfully cheesy........but I just knew something lay underfoot here. I've seen more and more of deeper roots in emotional battles myself.

I came home and began writing. Immediately, I saw it. I see it. I was pasting my own brother's personna (he is Difficult) onto this guy, and I've been picking through the BS, "knowing" I'd find some goodness--meaning some reason for "him to love me". Payment would be "proof", or evidence of this (childhood thinking)

****. I'm seeking my brother's love via some snake trying to fill his own wants. My brother only fights me.....too.

I'm up for LTU. If E3 were on sale, I'd pick it up tonight, maybe even run it.

GRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..................****!

[Shannon]

LTU is in the works. It's a complex one, but I'm going to try to do it in 1-2 weeks. Be patient, please.

[Amann]

LTU is in the works. It's a complex one, but I'm going to try to do it in 1-2 weeks. Be patient, please.

Goddamn it Shannon! lol
I purchased US/LM 3 today thinking that the new LTU wouldn't be out for months...

[findingme]

LTU is in the works. It's a complex one, but I'm going to try to do it in 1-2 weeks. Be patient, please.

Shannon, no mad rush. I write here freely, letting out my thoughts, being honest with myself. I would not like you to feel stressed on this.

The brother issue I've had for decades, and the pace of USLM is pushing me to deal with things I usually don't deal with. My writing is a reflection of every good and bad, sure and confused thought I have looking at it.

That's "success" to me, so USLM is obviously working. No mad rush.

[findingme]

I talked to my daughter for about 30 minutes tonight, not our norm. She asked me lots of questions, and I saw myself dodging one big issue.

She is losing weight (14 years old), and she asked me how much I weighed (around 145). Easy. She then asked me if I ate enough. I knew I really didn't, I told her, and she took it one step further. This is what's bothering me. She asked me why I don't eat more. I sat, chewing on my tongue.

I found one reason, then another, even questioning myself out loud if it was the truth. She asked again. Oooommmph... I couldn't/wouldn't be honest with her, telling her I don't care about myself much. Low self-image. Low self-esteem. All the bolts and fixings of it. Damn......

I did share I don't often eat much in the evening, but slid away from the reason. However, I told her I'd eat something before going to bed. I did. Cereal and eggs, and texted her this.

Regarding LTU--I imagined me being confident and healed enough to tell her in months soon. I didn't share tonight since I didn't want to "model" this poor image to her. (Did she pick up my fear of being honest?)

No rushing Shannon

[Zane]

It's good to see that you were able to talk to your daughter for good 30 mins,without being interrupted by your ex-wife.

I really hope this Father-Daughter relationship just keep getting stronger..

Also, next time if she asks you why arnt you eating enough or something like that.. Then just tell her that you don't know why.. But you are gonna work on that issue... Cause Tbh you will. That's why we all are here on this forum.

[findingme]

Thanks Zane. I'm wishing to nurture our relationship--for her. This is what SHE needs.
______________________________________________________

I think I write here mostly for some brotherly support. When it comes down to it, yes I do that. Being honest, but responsible for myself, is what I'm seeking to be.

Today I'm making some big moves, or agreements, with my trader, a woman. I say agreements since my last trader, another woman, was chaotic. I asked my trader what I might expect considering I'd been thinking the other is the "norm". She paused, which made me consider my message, and I realized I was focusing on my past. I told her, and I changed to my present place and time. She did ask if the other trader and I were dating. No, I'd not stayed with her for that reason. I admitted, slowly, that the other was more of a mother figure to me. I validated this while realizing and admitting that she is very chaotic, just like my mother. She laughed. I did admit, and am still accepting, that it's just too stressful for me. One chaotic mom is enough for me, and I'm tiring of that, quickly. This is new--I'm actually getting tired of it.

BTW, after this discussion, I finally listened to my mom's message she left Sunday...........makes me angry actually. Dammit, if one didn't have major problems every single day. (Poor victim---blechhhhh) Damn. Guilt and anger arise both there. I'm listening to USLM hybrid presently, SEEKING some self-reliance and peace in it. It did make me feel more relaxed when I turned it on. Being honest, I've been dependent on her for things she can not deliver--meaning nothing but stress for me. Thank you Shannon for the reality check weeks back, and with that, thanks for working on LTU.

Breathe.......

Moments ago I realized I'm in "pity me" mode...... I won't share--since I'm no victim. I made an unwise move, and I made it myself. I just have results. Not good results. But I learn more from bad choices. I can make a different choice next time.

[Shannon]

Thanks Zane. I'm wishing to nurture our relationship--for her. This is what SHE needs.

I call bullshit. You need it too. No parent worth the title doesn't want their relationship with their child to be a good one, or love their child, or need to feel connected to their child in what ways are possible. You want to nurture this relationship as much for yourself as her, and you need it just as much as she does. And guess what? That's normal. It's called a healthy parent/child relationship.

[findingme]

You are correct. I didn't know how to say it, fear rose, so I BS'd. Thank you for calling me out on it.

I've not heard it was normal. I'd love to be around healthier parents.

[findingme]

Feeling guilty. Busted. Been thinking about why I've been putting on a face.

I've just felt more aware of my vulnerability, and I've been scared. I've been putting on faces that people would like vs. me being me.

I even just realized writing more now is me trying to...make myself feel better. Just "looking good" feels like shit presently.

[Zane]

Feeling guilty. Busted. Been thinking about why I've been putting on a face.

I've just felt more aware of my vulnerability, and I've been scared. I've been putting on faces that people would like vs. me being me.

I even just realized writing more now is me trying to...make myself feel better. Just "looking good" feels like shit presently.

I was once a person who put on fake faces just to fit in ,just so that people would like me and accept me. I was so full of shit.

After all these years I ask myself this...

" What the fuk did I get in return by doing that?"

The answer: "Nothing".

Infact being fake did nothing but harm me.

It was all based on "fear" yet disguised in form of "ego". I thought that having is big "ego" was my strength but yet tunred out to be my greatest weakness.

By being original and truthful to my self I have attracted many small opportunities which I could only dream-off.

Keep Going my friend..Keep on Improving..

[findingme]

I'm having a mix of both success with fear of success lately. Things have been rolling smoother than normal, but fears creep in under different guises, and I allow them since they're not "obvious".

I worked with my "healthier" trader yesterday afternoon. I moved some money, I had to make some changes, and things went smoothly. Also, 2 days ago I had applied for an account which I'd avoided a whole week with the other "mother figure" trader. I would not allow myself to move with the other trader--too many old feelings, similar to me working alongside my own mother. No way. It didn't happen.

But I had no major fears moving forward yesterday. We worked maybe an hour, then chatted a while. I'm unsure how long, but I was the one who noticed it was almost 8PM, and mentioned it to her. I'd gotten home just after 5.

Today is day one of a 4 day paid vacation. I'm off today and Monday, and........just realized fear is trying to be heard while I write. My "normal" thing is to stay in bed, doing nothing, which is ok for a short while. I notice fear is circling the fence, seeking an opportunity, speaking up (screaming actually), and just waiting. I've let it have its ways for many years, and it's seeking to reclaim territory.

When I thought of this bit of downtime I'd have days ago, I panicked slightly. What might I do? Why would I do (new) things?

I'm not kidding. Fear has run my life in many ways, and fears like these surfaced regularly. They just seem to feel both comfortable AND awkward to me now, at least at this moment.

I'm considering going down to the river and seeing what happens. Anything could happen. It was almost 2 years ago when I went down there and met a homeless man as I was walking. Talked to him for almost an hour. He chose to be homeless, and he'd ran a successful business for years locally until his family broke up. He was homeless since he was running from entanglements to pain. I found it sad mostly since.....well, I could identify. I'm glad I knew another man who'd been in the exact same spot 2 years earlier. He got out when he sobered up. He realized his fears were lying to him. He did make the change, but it wasn't without desires to return.

For myself, I'm facing old temptations to go back to hiding, to remaining alone. Fear screams "it's EASIER!!" Pain and fear make non-wanted stuff seem attractive. Done.

I'm going to shower, take a walk, and think on my feet for a while. Sitting in fear is NOT what will bring good things my way.

I did turn on ultrasonic USLM loops on 30 minutes ago. I need to get out.