12-14-2018, 04:49 PM
(12-14-2018, 06:41 AM)Shannon Wrote: I had pretty much decided on making USLM4 already, but after reading this, I see it will do good for you guys to have access to it in more ways than I thought. Definitely going to release USLM4 now. It's not just about the FRM upgrade, it's also about the other modules I added in DMSI that support it in really powerful ways. Thanks for clarifying that decision for me.
I haven't been sure how to reply. I cried originally. I took a walk after, and cried on and off, more for release.
I finally went to the river around 3. I almost talked myself out of it (old thinking) but knew I'd regret it deeply later. So I went.
I had a cup of coffee before going to calm fears rising (thinking about possible scenarios).......so that may be why I walked so long. I knew I was processing something as well, for I walked 2 full hours, a real rarity for me. I haven't cried in weeks, and with high power subs, they change me so much internally, so quickly, that tears are one form of stress release.
I'll share this one connection I had which made me cry. My first route was on a public dock, where I've gone for Rule 4 talks by myself a few times while on subs. There was a small flock of birds resting on the dock, but purposefully facing the Northerly wind so they'd avoid resistance. I walked up and sensed my (scared) entitlement mentality: "I'm a human, I'm in charge, so you should move for me." Well, something struck me, as I've felt small and completely dependent on other people's niceness many, many times. I identified with it, and I slowed down, gingerly walking through them. This connection is what made me cry, seeing myself symbolically in those weaker birds. I noticed I'd not really scared them much at all when I slowed down, which made the connection more real for me. I saw they were beautiful (brilliant colors), but still completely ready to react to me, whatever I did. I didn't need to show force to get what I wanted. I kept eyes on other birds after that.
I also saw 2 different women, at different times. Both were 50+, so I'd dismissed both in my head. And I realize now I'd let my fear speak for me. It said when I saw them: "TOO OLD! YOU MIGHT GET HURT!" My entitlement was kindly ignored, and I felt it. This got my attention: fear is not friendly. I felt lonely and sad after this, and I'd only been walking 20 minutes so far. The rest of the walk was an attempt to feel confident again.
I look forward to the 4.2 upgrade, which will be in LTU 5.5.
I want to be FREE!
