USLM V3 Journal

[findingme]

I wrote here hours ago, seeing all the bad situations, imagined confrontations, and me even leaving my mom's due to an overload on my part.

Nothing like this happened, at all. Not. One. Thing.

I'd even learned my brother was coming now, and I blew up imagined scenarios with me ultimately leaving so I'd not be treated so rudely. Again, nothing happened.

I'm admitting that I've been the bemoan-er. I've whined. Complained. Asked for help even though I didn't really need it. I'm writing now, feeling emotions on both ends, for while imagining me leaving my mom's earlier, I realized a goal I've desired for years. Considering buying AM6 is the closest I've ever come to achieving this goal. That goal is: asserting myself. Standing up for myself.

Asserting myself is what I need. Of course, it's been something I've feared, but last week where I asserted myself with my coworker was life-giving to myself. He's sensed my fear though (of him abandoning me), and he resumed again. So this is definitely on the table now for me. I've had people tell me what I needed to do in situations, but....that's them. Noone lives in my fears except me. Or has hung onto my fears, except me. It's a survival mindset, where fear reigns.

I remembered today how I'd used a subliminal hypnosis mp3 for overcoming abuse right before finding IML, and I really benefited from it. One of its modules was on asserting myself, and I actually felt genuinely HAPPY when it kicked in. So many of my fears involve standing up against people's imagined criticism or judgement, and me being submissive to avoid further abuse. But I felt I could actually protect myself, and that is something I've really needed in my life.

I'm off USLM tonight, but I look forward to focusing on this. @Shannon, how might I word this? It's a long-term goal, but I seek some relief in the present. I'm unsure how I might focus on things "now", with goal-setting words.

[findingme]

Before listening to USLM:
I'm glad I'm home. I've finished my 2 day break, and old feelings have come up regularly today. The one I was stuck on most of the day was failure. I worked alone today, driving, and half my day I was in my head imagining my coworker berating me. I felt inadequate, constantly rejected, and when I returned to the shop I felt....like just lesser value. I am beating myself up just thinking of it now. I purposely have not started my loops yet since I still need to shower, but I am eating now. I made a dish yesterday I'll probably make more of in the future........as I like it. 3 ingredients, you just heat it to melt it and mix it, it's all fatty (Yay! Brainfood!), and it's something numerous picky eaters have enjoyed. It's having an affect on me, as my positive mood is returning. Also listening to Def Leppard on Pandora
_________________________________________________________________________
Turned on USLM hybrid after showering:
Became a little melancholy, or unwired, while I showered. I'd switched from Def Leppard to James Taylor before jumping in, and it encourages some introspection.

May I ask a question? (my normal response when seeking to know if I'm accepted)

Am I ok? I'm still afraid of being in a relationship with a woman.

I had about 3 situations pop up today (one actually happened yesterday), which both excite me and scare me. One I was flirting with, a cashier I'm attracted to, more for the actual relationship, not sex. I wasn't thinking sex while talking to her, so I freely talked when I saw her. I like her shape, so sex isn't off the table. I just get a vibe I could be myself around her. And....dominant. Maybe that's fear in me seeking that......as I am divorced from a woman who didn't share power much. Maybe when putting on a face for others. Still pisses me off.

The second actually happened yesterday. My brother brought a "friend" for Thanksgiving dinner, per my mom's words. Likely a FWB. She and I sat across from each other, my mom and brother on my sides, and I talked easily to her. She made a comment, right in the middle of a group laugh, that she could tell I was a bachelor. I don't think everyone caught it since they were laughing about something else, but she was reading me. I had a sexual attentiveness to her, but I broke eye contact with her every few minutes to not make my brother insecure while she talked to me. I am noticing myself more in social interactions.

The third is one I'd actually try for. She's a good girl with clear morals, though she's likely been there, done that, with whoever and whatever. A single woman with grown children, and she's vocalized to me and a few others that she "just wasn't getting married again." Workers hit on her constantly, and she handles herself very well.

But truthfully........I am realizing I've thought her above me emotionally and maturity-wise, for she misses nothing. It feels like fear in me. It's like part of me is trying to hang onto old beliefs about myself. Anything which will keep me "safe, and in control". That's fear-talk.

Another part of me says to myself "Help!! Get me out of this!"

So, today I felt a little discouraged. I read Shannon's experiences while on his breaks, others are reporting challenges too, and I'm grateful I see other's experiences to know this is normal.

[findingme]

I had a positive feeling dream. I kept seeing one guy I know who works in another department, and we were outside a white house in a snowy, winter environment. This house is the only one I see, I was in a mindset trying to be work minded, and I "felt" invited to join him and others to enjoy myself. He'd been on the roof doing something functional, but I saw him jump off once into the snow.

So, the message here seems to be I'm allowed to have fun, even if I'm working. I think it means that, as I don't allow myself to relax much at work. However, the best part of my workday is the morning meeting, where we all stand and listen to a safety topic for the day. I enjoy it since the meetings almost always turn into a bantering session with one or more workers targeted and teased about some mishap the day before, and sometimes years back. The dumbest mistakes on the job make for excellent topics, as many can relate with them. I like being there just for all the laughing.

[findingme]

I went and played the money game me and 2 others play each Saturday. I told my buddies about my dream I had last night, and before I left, I was talking with my old sponsor, just me and him. He watches lots of movies, and I shared the last movie I'd watched was Groundhog Day with both of them, which was on Groundhog day. I shared that since I'm seeing how I've had little time for recreation lately. He'd bought "Christopher Robin" recently, and he asked if I'd want to stay and watch it with him. He said it had pieces of what I had spoken about.

I chose to stay. I watched it, and I cried some, for I really connected to the busy, scared, adult Christopher Robin. He seemed to letting go of both his wife and his daughter while simultaneously aiming to be the one his boss liked and turned to. When Christopher saw Pooh again, he acted like he'd normally done so, dismissing such "foolishness" as talking bears and childhood memories. But in time, he remembered the unreplaceable bond he'd made with Pooh and the others, and he chose to be there for them like he'd done when he was younger.

I'm very emotional right now, as simplicity requires little explanation. Pooh is a very simple bear, even describing himself as "a bear of very little brain", which Christopher Robins replies with "No Pooh. You are I think a bear of very big heart." It had me connecting back to myself and my own imaginations.

In fact, tomorrow, I'm going to do nothing. Go nowhere. Do nothing. Pooh said something which I'm going to "do". He said "Doing nothing often leads to the very best of something". I may write here, but nothing more.

Until then, goodnight.

[findingme]

My old sponsor sent this to me. He might have sent it to me since the presenter, Simon Sinek, said being helpful promotes oxytocin, a chemical which makes us feel safe. This speech is to leaders, and he focuses on the 4 main chemicals we use a a species. I'm thinking on it.

One thing he pointed out was when we're looking out just for ourselves due to some danger, internally or externally, we don't have time to look out for others. But giving time and energy to others gives us what we biologically need.

[findingme]

Ok, this is related to the Simon Sinek video just above this post.

He began his talk focusing on 4 main chemicals we use to survive, both good and bad elements. However, he pulled up a 5th chemical up near the end: cortisol. I know it's purely a survival chemical, designed to put us on hyperalert. Simon had some interesting animal analogies showing how it's used in the wild, as when one in a wild herd senses danger, all the others respond similarly.

I learned of this almost 20 years ago when I bought a book on caffeine use, and have never fully kicked my caffeine habit. But here's my concern. In my last post I shared how when I'm on hyperalert watching out for myself, I don't watch out for others. On Thanksgiving Day, I spent some time with my daughter, and we started by going to a local gas station and buying some coffee. I wasn't "off" due to my USLM break, but I felt fearful, not relaxed, while sitting with her sipping coffee. From Sinek's talk, cortisol was high, and I was, in effect, a distant dad. I was habitually looking for the right, perfect thing to say to her, but fearing a mishap with words or intentions. I didn't like how I treated her. Not abusive, just distant. I've done that with her before, and I could have/should have/would have done differently. I'm wondering....."what can I do differently next time?"

This came to mind since I've been waking up and having coffee first the last few months. I did so this morning. I have food in my fridge....but coffee was chosen instead. I tend to leave my human side by the wayside, my creative heartfelt side..... just ignored.

I've used it to calm fears and anxiety.....but my performance side is not the part of me I personally value most. Me giving, loving, and sharing with others is what I value most.

I'm going to head out to work now. One guy I love seeing I've not seen much lately. I need some connection time pre-work hours.

[Shannon]

So would you say that caffeine is helping your fearful side derail the state shifting in USLM3?

As to your daughter, I suggest that you explain to her what's going on inside you. Communicate your hopes and fears to her, if she is old enough to understand. I'd say that would probably be 7-8 years old or older, depending on how you frame it. Tell her that sometimes, you're afraid to say the wrong thing and screw up and push her away, and in times like that, you notice you get distant, which is not the thing you want.

Let her know you love and value her, and that you're trying to find the right way to make a good relationship with her. Ask for her help in that.

[findingme]

What a day. Really, I was moved to tears 3 times in the last 2 hours. Something is happening.

First off, I began my day with a commitment in my head I could and would look for opportunities to give. But this was different in my planning, as I realized touch was important this time. I work with a Haitian man sometimes, and I followed one coworker's example of shaking his hand in the morning, plus giving him fistbumps throughout the day as we worked.
I let my regular coworker take the easy job for the day since I'd done it twice last week, which was picking up items for customers around the city. He came back late in the day, tried a criticism maneuver, but I chose to ignore it, even turning my head away to not let it run wild in my memory. We talked before leaving, and he seemed safer talking to me. Maybe I just wasn't afraid (?)
But I'd felt really productive, seeking more opportunities to pay attention to people. I felt I was nicer to him, in fact.

I got off work, and had to go to 2 different stores. At the first store, I got my stuff, got in line, and asked the older lady cashier a purposeful, meaningful question: "how are you today?" I mentioned the previous weekend, and she had worked this weekend, admitting some fatigue. She then asked me "how are you?" I said "I'm good cuz I'm off work now!" She shared she had 6 hours left before leaving, and I felt her pain. She returned a sweet smile, and ushered me out of line sweetly and proudly since she had customers lining up now. It felt good. I felt good giving.

I went to Walmart, and I felt soft as soon as I saw the gentle Walmart greeter, an older lady. I began choking up there. And like in the first store, I had a similar interaction there with an older servicewoman since I had to go to customer service to pick up something. I felt good.

I was on my scooter, and I next had to go to my bank. When I was leaving the bank, a young girl (6-7) was in the passenger seat of a car waiting for me to pass. I usually think my eyes and expression can not be read while I'm wearing my helmet, but I kept eye contact, nodded my head, and smiled at the young girl as I rode by. Her face registered she got it. Her smile was BIG.

I bought pens and tape at the first store, and got cash and a Dunkin Donuts gift card at Walmart. All for my daughter. I'm going to send her a hand written note, though I'm uncertain what I'll say. I'd read Shannon's response at lunch, and I wish to connect with my daughter.

One more thing about my daughter, or children. Before I left this morning, I was listening to 80's rock on Pandora. No kidding, 30 seconds before I left my place, White Lion's "When the Children Cry" came on. I knew it was important, so I paused it and googled the song. I then left for work. When I got home, I put my stuff away, and sat down to write this. But I listened to the video before writing here, and I cried. In fact, in one shot he's lying on his back with his child on his chest. I wept. Other childhood scenes happen in it, so I'm going to leave it here.

Something in me changed today.

[findingme]

So would you say that caffeine is helping your fearful side derail the state shifting in USLM3?

Caffeine definitely derails progress with subs. More specifically, it holds up emotional movements and changes, keeping me where I'm at. When I change emotionally, I have changed.

I took a shower this morning, haven't had coffee yet, and I listened to USLM last night. I woke up feeling like I'm about to jump into an exciting adventure, and I'm noticing my subc mind being wary. I even allowed some sadness while showering, having flashbacks of being in high school, with all the "opportunities" available.......and I hid. The opportunities were so real to me, yet my training had been to avoid all danger (training by mom). Being numb was what was "caught". I must be processing something.

I think yesterday afternoon happened since I'd not had coffee in about 12 hours, and my emotional side came forward. But even now I am thinking differently. The FRM is working.

I had a memory pop up seconds ago regarding caffeine use, which I've not had in about a month. I'll take a container of coffee with me to work most days since when I'm not caffeinated (pre-work), I'll daydream, imagine, and feel my feelings. Having it at home seemed abusive to myself, knowing I squelch the biggest parts of me with it. I've felt sad right before drinking it, knowing this.

Thoughts are coming forward now. Not all literal. I've had fear of abusing myself mix with the excitement of achieving something important to me, and for a very long time, I've..........made success a bad thing. Like I've thought my father was only successful since he knew how to drink and socialize with bigwigs. He then came home and abused my mom.

Maybe the FRM dug this up. I've thought this before, but my logic was "if I'm successful, I need to abuse myself, and maybe my family".

It's also fear strutting its stuff, thinking it's won. This isn't over.

[findingme]

I've been able to feel my fears today and tonight. I've said I wasn't owned by my feelings on USLM, but I'm realizing when I said "feelings", I was talking about fear.

I'll give some examples. Embarrassing, but fear has worked on me almost every time I even think of them.

One is the small business I joined about a week ago. My upline has (seemingly) ignored my text and email questions about getting started the last 2 times since I was blocked by the payment processor. The first time I emailed him. No reply. I waited 2 days, and then texted him saying "I emailed you 2 days ago". He replied "regarding?" I told him my problem and he gave a one sentence correction, which was enough. I felt forgotten, and was in no hurry to be ignored again. 2 days later, I followed through with his suggestion. I think I knew the mistake I'd made, so I asked him about it via text. No response again.

It's been 2 days again, I feel forgotten again, and ..... I'm seeing this in my head now. I see myself (3rd person) driving down the road. Something is RIGHT in front of me, a danger, and I absolutely refuse to notice it. I'm purposely looking left/right/all around, but not where I'm going. I'm even smiling--since I'm succeeding avoiding my fear. I'm swerving left/right/who cares?.........My goal is not to see my fear. I've lived like this my entire life. I'm still not wanting to see it. Fear grips me from the other unknowns while driving.......but as long as I'm blind to this, I have some "security" in the fact that I don't see what I'm absolutely terrified of.

That's my fear. That....has owned me my whole life long. Security growing up was not noticing it, whatever it was. Home was quiet, minus the TV. There was no talking to Mom since she was doing the same thing--looking anywhere but right now. That's been my life. I saw her abandon herself, and I focused on making her pain go away, as much as a kid can. Considering we had no social standards since we'd isolated as a family, plus our provider (mom) was disconnected from us, what could I do? I learned to do what she did, thinking that might help her. I'd learned I wasn't a priority, so I thought I'd earn worth by fixing her.

I stopped writing, and pointed my attention to myself, knowing my writing above was not really helping. As soon as I even began looking at me and my actions, in my head I saw myself looking around anxiously, frantically, anywhere but straight ahead. That fear has been a wall to what I've not seen. It's kept me (alive, sane, okay??) most of my life. But lately I've felt clear fear when I've noticed that wall, that barrier. Listening to music now which is moving me. It feels/I feel sad. Like I'm seeking help in my head, but outside, no. Like I know 12 step techniques, but haven't gone to meetings in 2 months. Like buying into a business, but am afraid to just do what works, even knowing what I can do that works. These fears all feel linked, like one root is holding them in place.

This is my life, and I've run it on repeat mode for years. I've gone to meetings for almost 20 years, back and forth, low and high, free...and bound. I've jumped into half a dozen businesses, and just plain stopped cold. Do I have control over this? It feels STRONG. Stronger than me, and ominous even--if I challenge it.

"What can I do?", I'm wondering.

Rule 4 stuff is all I have.

The problem is this problem is connected to my brother (I think). When I re-read what I'd wrote above, I went to that house immediately in my head, even the bedroom area, where it happened. It did happen.

[findingme]

Edit: 2nd day of break.

I am feeling a lot right now. I woke up, considered coffee, almost poured it, but stopped knowing this pain wouldn't go away. I use coffee mostly as a distractant.

I got in my shower, and felt dizzy almost, but not from subs. I'm just not "with it", though I need to leave for work soon. I realize my attention is ......scattered. I'm eating now, but inwardly I'm avoiding this, avoiding that...anything which connects to my memories and emotions. It was the same in the shower.

One sentence sums it up, a fear.........tears now.

"If I try and fail, you'll leave me."

This was part of what happened with my brother. I never knew why.

[mat422]

I sense a lot of doubt in your post. Doubt is really just fear masquerading. Best thing you can do is just give it the middle finger and keep on pushing. As long as you're listening to the sub you'll grow. Unfortunately our minds like to convince us that's not the case and this stuff gets overblown in an effort to keep us where we are. You're making really good progress. I see a massive difference in how you are approaching these issues now.

[findingme]

I sense a lot of doubt in your post.

Mat, can you explain what you see?

I was hit by your post while at work. I usually keep up a front around everyone, but I wondered if I was seeing things as they are. Very likely not. My normal strong fronts are feeling shaky, and even prone to collapse. I was scared and melancholy feeling all day. I don't feel confident, but my "normal" is not real reliable right now.

I've been like this the last two days, in fact. Been pasting old images onto all males around me, except when they engage me. My mind is trying to find old ground. I'll stop my bitch there.

One thing I have noticed, despite my inward instability, is 2 separate guys kind of watched out for me today. Can people sense this? I did work alone, so I was in my head all day. I do forget how much I emote nonverbally.

Also, the head boss stood near me in our morning meeting. I've labelled him as a mean NYer who should retire. But this morning, as I stood there before the meeting, I sensed he wanted to talk to me. I even thought I saw him trying to find words, but........ But emotions sometimes don't have words. He is the one who brought me in my position, and he trusts me, which I don't understand.

For every problem I've written about, now or in prior writings, I could find my fear reaction and expression. I also now keep expecting some outburst of tears.


And after writing all that, and during, I sat in doubt. Right now, my dominant mood is sadness. I feel shame about this, like I'm not strong, not competent, not capable. I feel inferior. I always try to hide this from others, here or IRL. Even when I say I'm crying here, shame holds onto it, so I .....try not to cry. I've reacted by trying not to feel all the emotion coming up. Which isn't normal for me.

This doesn't make sense to me, but I'm in the middle of it.

[findingme]

I'm off my break, restarting tonight. The FRM is apparently breaking through my own ice sheets presently.

I was in my shower this morning, remembering some money I owed my daughter, and I went where I normally go, which is making myself as young as my daughter mentally. I've related to her like this her entire life.
This morning....I didn't/couldn't go there. I had no footing in that normal spot. Like I'm hanging on with my hands to a side of a mountain, I'm looking for foot traction, but only shadows exist where sturdy ground once was. But also, no fear exists in this image.

Something is changing steadily inside me. Even yesterday's fear and confusion isn't so important. Nice Shannon Thank you.