UH is awesome

[Shannon]

Now I'm dealing with depression, i don't want to do shit, why i'm even alive, it's useless, and more thoughts are crossing my mind (and my body is like a rock), then I start asking why I feel this way, it's because i have no self esteem, no confidence, no worth, no hope, no love, nothing? or I'm just attaching myself to beliefs I refuse to let go, everything so far was a lie to convince myself life was okey, or I'm attaching myself to the wrong concepts, why should I need a purpose or something of the sort, is because I'm attached to life itself, or because I tried to live it in a certain way, what is happiness either way? I'm at a loss here.

Question those feelings.  That's right.  Ask why.  Listen, seek within, trace it back, contemplate, and allow yourself to listen for and to the answer your subconscious gives you, whether it's through feelings, little voice, intuition or dreams.

If you're at a loss, you're not being specific enough.  But you are doing the right thing in asking and questioning.

Depression and feelings of hopelessness tell us that some part of your subconscious feels these things and is trying to communicate them to your conscious self.  It feels these things because it holds beliefs that contradict what the program is trying to either accomplish or get you to do.  Those beliefs are the issue, and so is holding on to them.  If you can figure out what those beliefs are and change the conclusion that led you to form those beliefs, you have the solution.  Sometimes the beliefs are based on faulty logic, insufficient understanding, lack of awareness or a less than positive point of view.  These things can be changed.

I used to have a girlfriend who was always negative, doom and gloom, and lived on failure based thinking 24/7.  The solution was for her to recognize that he automatic response was negative because she had accepted negative core beliefs from her parents.  All she had to do was examine those beliefs and reason out whether or not they were the best beliefs, true, worth keeping.  I worked with her for years on that, and she refused to change them.  So I left and replaced her with a woman who started out with similar negative beliefs, but who was willing to change what she believed with guidance and help understanding that what negative beliefs she had formed were not necessarily true, accurate or good for her.  That woman has been my girlfriend for 5 years this September, and she has made amazing progress and growth.  We are very happy together as a result.

EDIT: Almost forgot... when I met her she was depressed and hopeless all the time and miserable working for a call center.  Now she's self employed, happy and productive, and she appears to be on track to become financially independent in the not too distant future.  And all she did was change some of her faulty beliefs.

[User_000]

Now I'm dealing with depression, i don't want to do shit, why i'm even alive, it's useless, and more thoughts are crossing my mind (and my body is like a rock), then I start asking why I feel this way, it's because i have no self esteem, no confidence, no worth, no hope, no love, nothing? or I'm just attaching myself to beliefs I refuse to let go, everything so far was a lie to convince myself life was okey, or I'm attaching myself to the wrong concepts, why should I need a purpose or something of the sort, is because I'm attached to life itself, or because I tried to live it in a certain way, what is happiness either way? I'm at a loss here.

Question those feelings.  That's right.  Ask why.  Listen, seek within, trace it back, contemplate, and allow yourself to listen for and to the answer your subconscious gives you, whether it's through feelings, little voice, intuition or dreams.

If you're at a loss, you're not being specific enough.  But you are doing the right thing in asking and questioning.

Depression and feelings of hopelessness tell us that some part of your subconscious feels these things and is trying to communicate them to your conscious self.  It feels these things because it holds beliefs that contradict what the program is trying to either accomplish or get you to do.  Those beliefs are the issue, and so is holding on to them.  If you can figure out what those beliefs are and change the conclusion that led you to form those beliefs, you have the solution.  Sometimes the beliefs are based on faulty logic, insufficient understanding, lack of awareness or a less than positive point of view.  These things can be changed.

I used to have a girlfriend who was always negative, doom and gloom, and lived on failure based thinking 24/7.  The solution was for her to recognize that he automatic response was negative because she had accepted negative core beliefs from her parents.  All she had to do was examine those beliefs and reason out whether or not they were the best beliefs, true, worth keeping.  I worked with her for years on that, and she refused to change them.  So I left and replaced her with a woman who started out with similar negative beliefs, but who was willing to change what she believed with guidance and help understanding that what negative beliefs she had formed were not necessarily true, accurate or good for her.  That woman has been my girlfriend for 5 years this September, and she has made amazing progress and growth.  We are very happy together as a result.

EDIT: Almost forgot... when I met her she was depressed and hopeless all the time and miserable working for a call center.  Now she's self employed, happy and productive, and she appears to be on track to become financially independent in the not too distant future.  And all she did was change some of her faulty beliefs.

In my point of view life is nothing more than a bunch of probabilities and if something exists then is possible for me to take it, but my beliefs always make it harder, i wish i could erase most of them or maybe is because I'm attached to them so hard, need to learn to let them go, it looks like my subconscious is trying as hard as possible to conceal those beliefs as is giving me a hard time thinking or remembering, sometimes i really want to give it what it want, if it doesn't want to cooperate then i should just kill myself and that's it, revenge complete haha but that's another punishment belief i need to let go, now hatred is growing up upon my beliefs, so frustrating, but i gain nothing from it so i should just watch it, more than hopelessness there is hatred an anger, hopelessness comes after, i guess i'm just wallowing in my emotions instead of solving the problem, what frustrates me the most is lack of understanding (I have a good idea how this came to be), my head wants to explode right now.

Cheers for your girlfriend, most people just keep suffering in silence, living is such a pain (another faulty belief... shit)

[User_000]

In the time i've been thinking I track down an issue that is bothering me since forever and that is I give more importance to what others expect from me but that at the same time is me expecting something from others (in short i expect others to expect something from me in a specific way), so most of the time I spend my time thinking how others will expect from me the way I want them so that brings other issue, I'm always expecting something from me but that something is an authentic desire or a faulty desire for example to accomplish something that will make me think about how others will expect from me and for what reason? to not be alone, to not be scolded or something, to think I'm won't be called useless? to avoid believing I'm useless? even if it's something i don't give a damn? in the end i'm just doing it for avoiding suffering or trying to make me feel better by doing what others want but not by my own desire, okey i will do what i "need" to do just for the sake of doing it but if i don't care i'll do it halfway or the way i want and if i fail then whatever no need to think i'm useless or make me suffer because of expectations people had on me when i was a kid that later became my own just for avoid suffering and rejection.

[Shannon]

Go deeper.

[User_000]

I tracked down something pretty interesting, a belief that want others to do the job instead of me, in short, subconsciously I don't want to do shit and want others to do it, i know i have to do my own life but deep inside i'm mad because it will be easier if someone else do it for me, i wonder if it was caused by overprotection you know my parents or someone else solving my problems or doing things for me, telling me how to live, behave, do things, react, so how i reach that conclusion? I'm having a hard time figuring that out, maybe it was comfort, fear of failure, believing my actions are useless, fear of disobey, in the end I'm just making it harder for me to live, so the reason why I started with subliminals is because i'm not the one executing it? i'm not the one who is changing? i don't have to deal with it? this will be hard to overcome.

[User_000]

I think I'm starting to understand, what terrifies me the most is being alone, if there's nobody to help me then what can I do myself? thoughts like is very difficult, impossible, can't do it and more are coming to my mind, the reason I don't want to socialize is because of the fear that people will go away from me, leaving me alone, unable to do something, to live on my own, so there's fear and no trust in myself for dealing with life.

[Shannon]

Go deeper. What actually happens from a logical perspective if those fears are realized?

[User_000]

Go deeper.  What actually happens from a logical perspective if those fears are realized?

Nothing, just being alone, just dealing with it on my own, the only difference would be I have to do everything on my own (as if i hadn't done that yet) and just feeling insecure from doing so, but in the end I'm the only one who is responsible for my actions, in the end I'm always alone no matter what.

[User_000]

Today I was starting to feel dizzy, very dizzy and then I refused it, as if my subconscious was telling me to not resist, then I resisted and after breathing hard for half an hour it started to calm down, the tiredness was pretty damn strong, even when i was taking an excessive amount of oxygen that normally results in my feets or hands to start tingling (didn't happen this time) i felt it wasn't enough, but in the end my tiredness and dizzyness faded, then I realized about my problem and get to the conclusion if I'm not the one who is living my life (doing, thinking, deciding...) then it got no sense at all, then what is my life for? for throwing it to the garbage depending on others? or wanting to depend on others even if I'm the one who is doing everything? I refuse to live that way, immediately after I was doing my life and it felt lighter than before, more easy.

[Shannon]

Bravo!

Taking personal responsibility for yourself, your beliefs, your choices, your actions and your results is hard sometimes, but I promise you, it is one of the most important and rewarding things you can ever do for yourself.

[User_000]

This is like the third time I dreamed about insects invading my personal space, I know it's kind of a fear, I don't really dislike them but having them nearby is different as if I have to be careful, maybe it was caused by a previous experience in my childhood when almost I "drink" (yes drink, it was in the glass and didn't realize) one of them.

Also I still have thoughts about me getting killed, robbed, kidnapped or something, I wonder if it is because a faulty belief like if that happened to someone else it is going to happen to me, doesn't seems that weird to me considering my parents used that kind of "logic" to made do things, even when I understand life is more complex for that to happen my subconscious still think about it.

[User_000]

Another problem causing my depression is perfectionism, deep in my mind there is a belief telling me to be perfect on everything and if I fail or something then I'm stupid, an idiot, a shit head or things like that and then I stop or try again but my mind and body just give up and I do it even worse than before, then anger starts building up and things get bad, it's like I have to get everything right in the first try and make me feel bad especially in my stomach and head when I get it wrong, my belief of life sucks is getting enhanced.

[Shannon]

Another problem causing my depression is perfectionism, deep in my mind there is a belief telling me to be perfect on everything and if I fail or something then I'm stupid, an idiot, a shit head or things like that and then I stop or try again but my mind and body just give up and I do it even worse than before, then anger starts building up and things get bad, it's like I have to get everything right in the first try and make me feel bad especially in my stomach and head when I get it wrong, my belief of life sucks is getting enhanced.

So what you have to realize, understand and accept, is that nobody is or can be perfect, and perfection is a goal, not a destination.  Making mistakes is not failing, it is learning what does not work so that you can understand what does work, and achieve the goal.  Therefore, to achieve the closest you can get to perfection, YOU MUST FAIL FIRST, and then when you use that failure to achieve success, it stops being failure and becomes a stepping stone to success instead.

Failure is only truly possible if and when you GIVE UP.

When I was what I call a "fatal perfectionist", which you are describing in your thinking, I had my whole world turned around by this quote by William E. Gladstone:

No man ever became great except through many and great mistakes.

And of course it is just as true for women.

So instead of seeing failure when you try and do not succeed, realize that you have taken a step towards success, but you're not yet finished learning how to succeed.  If you keep at it, you'll take enough steps to accomplish your success.  If you give up trying, you can never succeed, and therefore giving up is the only way to fail.

[User_000]

Well, lately i'm thinking "I can do better" when I make a mistake, or just relax both my body and mind and just don't care, also sometimes i kept thinking about my mistake so I don't care about that either.

Yesterday I confirmed again the fact of my improved hearing, I watched a video that required 4/15 of volume a few months ago and yesterday it was 2/15, nothing changed, same phone, same headphones, same app, same config, everything was the same, also I was remembering the beginning of tinnitus and I recall it being a lot more annoying and louder than now, with me wanting to blow my head but now even if I focus on it barely get annoyed.