It's been a while, I try not to focus that much into the shit of the healing but it is necessary to remind it sometimes so here I go.
For the last weeks I been dealing with fear (again), this time it was fear combined with OCD, my mind just won't stop thinking about awful situations, like if a roach gets on my mouth or ear when I sleep (I even encountered with not one but two roaches on the same day after not seeing one for years haha, law of attraction again) or someone is going to kill me, cut my arms, legs, or something else, a car crushing my feet, there was even a time my mind kept thinking about me going blind because of some illness that my sight was getting blurred, then if my attention stir to something else another fearful thought comes in and if I'm mentally distracted the emotion goes to my arm making it feel pain, fortunately I'm starting to overcome the OCD and the conditioning.
Right now my focus is on the emotional repression I have lived up to now, always running away from my emotions, most of the symptoms when using OFv3 seem to be caused by emotional repression, I'm starting to remember traumatic memories, like the times when my parents were unfair with me just because I was a kid, you don't care about what I think and expect me to care for what you think is right, fucking shitty asshole!! I truly want to kill them now, even back then I only wanted to kill them, this is the result of my anger and hatred (maybe that is another reason about why I'm insociable, some part of me wants to interact with people but at the same time I hate when someone speak to me, self protection? no idea) but I'm not a kid anymore and I don't plan to let the emotions control my life as before, also realized I'm refusing my emotions when they come up to, every time I feel fear or shame I expect for it to finish but this time I'm going to accept them without caring if it is painful, regarding fear, shame and guilt I can see better how the three are intertwined, if OGSFv2 is released I will stop using UH, those three are such a pain to deal with.
It appears tinnitus has diminished, now I know it is caused as a subconscious response to stress, speaking of stress these last days whenever I feel stressed some part of my body aches and the last week my back was hurting pretty bad for a couple of days, after that I haven't felt pain there, also it appears my hearing improved again, now I set the volume a bit lower than before, it appears 4 loops are too much to handle now, every time I do 4 loops I feel overloaded so I will stick with 3 loops.
There is so much I could write about but I'm not that smart to actually put everything in words or maybe i'm just lazy about it.
For the last weeks I been dealing with fear (again), this time it was fear combined with OCD, my mind just won't stop thinking about awful situations, like if a roach gets on my mouth or ear when I sleep (I even encountered with not one but two roaches on the same day after not seeing one for years haha, law of attraction again) or someone is going to kill me, cut my arms, legs, or something else, a car crushing my feet, there was even a time my mind kept thinking about me going blind because of some illness that my sight was getting blurred, then if my attention stir to something else another fearful thought comes in and if I'm mentally distracted the emotion goes to my arm making it feel pain, fortunately I'm starting to overcome the OCD and the conditioning.
Right now my focus is on the emotional repression I have lived up to now, always running away from my emotions, most of the symptoms when using OFv3 seem to be caused by emotional repression, I'm starting to remember traumatic memories, like the times when my parents were unfair with me just because I was a kid, you don't care about what I think and expect me to care for what you think is right, fucking shitty asshole!! I truly want to kill them now, even back then I only wanted to kill them, this is the result of my anger and hatred (maybe that is another reason about why I'm insociable, some part of me wants to interact with people but at the same time I hate when someone speak to me, self protection? no idea) but I'm not a kid anymore and I don't plan to let the emotions control my life as before, also realized I'm refusing my emotions when they come up to, every time I feel fear or shame I expect for it to finish but this time I'm going to accept them without caring if it is painful, regarding fear, shame and guilt I can see better how the three are intertwined, if OGSFv2 is released I will stop using UH, those three are such a pain to deal with.
It appears tinnitus has diminished, now I know it is caused as a subconscious response to stress, speaking of stress these last days whenever I feel stressed some part of my body aches and the last week my back was hurting pretty bad for a couple of days, after that I haven't felt pain there, also it appears my hearing improved again, now I set the volume a bit lower than before, it appears 4 loops are too much to handle now, every time I do 4 loops I feel overloaded so I will stick with 3 loops.
There is so much I could write about but I'm not that smart to actually put everything in words or maybe i'm just lazy about it.
