Transcendental Sith Lord's OGSFv2 5.11G Journal

[DarthXedonias]

This is going to be a long post because a lot has happened. A lot of good things to be specific. 

I have this big feeling that my life is rearranging itself towards a much more positive orientation at this point. As if I'm having this pull towards a much positive future. So on Tuesday night I got laid off. I know sounds bad but it wasn't actually. It was actually a positive. The funny thing was I saw that I needed to report to the main building on my phone. Now they had already warned that they needed to send people to other areas or they won't be able to keep the same amount of workers. I had also applied to the transfer to Austin though I basically said no to a LA transfer ( I have no desire to go to LA at all). I learned from one the of the guy from my job that 2 days earlier they had laid off 50 people and the night before they laid off 6 people. So I already knew what to expect. I felt the fear try to come up but something was telling me this is one of those situations where it might seem at first as a bad situation but it turns out being good. Got there and was told I was laid off. However they also told me they will be giving me my last paycheck and a severance package within 2 weeks. The severance package is about 5500 USD and with the education stuff I will get next month I should have 7500 USD. I was not expecting a severance package at all and this was actually very good. 

Before this I had still planned on moving out of the country to teach until I finish all my tech education but I still needed to think about buying the airplane ticket, paying the fees for my paperwork, and having enough money saved up until I get my first paycheck. This just solved all that and will give me time to knock out a few more classes until I move (by the end of this month I should only have 7 classes left to pass). So in the end this was actually the best thing that could have happened like my intuition was telling me. Also the timing was weird. Literally like 2 days before I got this information I had a breakthrough during the second cycle. I just decided I'm not going to feel guilt, shame and fear. I'm not going to feel GSF because of people around me, I'm not going to feel GSF because of my environment, and I'm not going to feel GSF because of myself. Along with this a lot of healing of traumatic stuff happened. I literally sat there and visited a lot of the most traumatic events in my life determined to just face them and let myself do what I needed to do in order to get over them. By doing this its like a lot of the power I allowed them over me was taken away. I don't know what is in this 5.11G tech but instead of previous versions that produced a "run away" reaction, this produces a "run to and face it" reaction. I learned something very important and that goes for the not feeling GSF because of myself. I realized I have GSF regarding feeling my own emotions. This is why I acted so "robotic" in a way. Its also why all this hatred, depression, and rage was built up. I needed to deal with these emotions as they came but I ran from them and so they just kept on building up over time. 

Also on top of that you had the fear of "losing control" compounding all this. I had given into this false idea of binary extremes. As if the choice is between showing no emotion at all (or suppressing it as much as possible) or you just lose total control and go on a rampage. Apparently I wasn't taught the nuance of there being a difference between going on a complete rampage and giving yourself the time and space to feel and express those emotions in a healthy way. So yeah, after that day I just said screw it and just let myself feel any emotion I wanted in a healthy way without totally suppressing it. Funny enough that is when I started actually feeling joy, happiness and like I was free. I started noticing I was sleeping deeper and better as well. I just don't give a crap anymore about all that stuff that used to occupy my mind. I notice I'm not in my head and there aren't as much random thoughts either. This is all after only 3 weeks mind you. So I am very, very interested to see where I will be after 6 months. I do think things will be cleared up after 6 months to be honest. After that I will decide if it will be MLS or Maverick at that point. If I choose Maverick I do think i will be ready for it after 6 months of this sub. However I might need to choose MLS because by that time I will be signing up for masters in AI degree programs. So will really need to have good study skills at that point. 

So right now I'm just going to be relaxing, studying and signing up for unemployment benefits until I leave sometime next month. That does lead to one other thing which is that I am highly considering going to Korea instead of China this time around. Yes, it will be less salary per month (2k vs 3k per month) though housing will be provided but I will not have to worry about the whole VPN situation. Once I get to my masters program I will have deadline for assignments, etc. and if the VPN is throttled for a week or more I risk not being able to submit my work which could make me fail the program. In Korea there is no national firewall I need to worry about so I can submit my work with no issue. Also, trying to send money out of China to the US is a big hassle which usually involves a bunch of fees. In Korea its very simple and fees are very minimal. So the more I have thought about it the more I might be going to Korea instead for work. 

Other than all that right now I feel quite happy and just don't give a crap. If someone doesn't like me that is their problem. If they don't like the fact that I don't feel shame or guilt, that is also their problem. I just don't care anymore about all that. I only care about my goals at this point and people who have shown they genuine care about me. That does lead to one other incident. Essentially there was one person I was helping out with creating a plan of action regarding something. About a year ago they had another idea and ran it by me. I told this woman in particular that that was a bad idea and not to do it. Well towards the end of last summer they decided (right when they were about to accomplish the original plan we set out) that they would change to the other plan that I said was dumb without telling me and low and behold it blew up majorly in their face. Didn't hear from them in a while and at the beginning they seemed like they learned their lesson or at least took some responsibility. However that came to a head when they asked for help from me, I offered minimal because of circumstances that were going on at the time. I noticed afterwards there was a shift in attitude and then all of a sudden when i asked what was going on they started getting this nasty attitude and blaming me for their mistakes, etc. I noticed the tactics more easily since I was running this sub. It was the usual GSF tactics that a certain breed of women like to use especially when trying to avoid accountability. I engaged for a while though took no blame for anything because that would be stupid. Eventually, I notice guilt tripping was especially on the menu and instead of falling for all these tactics I noticed I was getting angry and allowing myself to get angry (this was after that big shift I mentioned above). 

I eventually after she crossed a certain line just blocked her. The hilarious thing is (which might show the universe has a very good sense of humor) is that a few hours later is when I realized I would be getting a severance package. So basically had she remained calm and took responsibility I would have been able to at least help her a small amount. So what did I do? I unblocked her, told her the news and told her she would have been helped just a bit with her situation (that I had verified) but she decided to not take responsibility at all and act bad hurling insults then I reblocked her. Yes, I acted petty. No, I don't feel bad or any "shame" about that at all. I kind of just kept laughing to myself a bit afterwards. This is out of character for me since I know now GSF used to be a major problem for me. Now I don't give a crap about any of that. 

Anyway, that's about all that has happened so far. Things are going very well and this has been a very big paradigm shift for me.