Transcendent Sith Lord's LTU 5.0 Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Just finished listening to the sub for the 3rd day. I can say that yes, this was the right decision to switch to hybrid. There seems to be a more intensity to a degree of resistance (noticing some of my PTSD symptoms flaring up) but seems to be losing. I feel a lot more ground right now after I woke up last night from the 2nd day of listen. It does seem like the changes seem to steadily increase after I have slept. I assume its because while I'm in certain phases of sleep my subconscious can't resist as heavily. Either way, I have noticed the sub acting more powerfully after switching to hybrid.

My not caring attitude is getting to extremes really. I remember back in the day while I was out I would have this nervous, anxious, and fearful attitude about me when being near or talking to people. Now, I don't feel any of that. I really, really don't care. I think I know what is going on now. I think I am adjusting myself to a degree. Before I would have said I was one of those Shannon had said who fear their own emotions. I think this came from seeing so many people who used their emotions all the time and it made them do stupid, idiotic decisions because they couldn't control themselves. Unfortunately, my being afraid of my own emotions didn't help either because it made it so that they had to come out in different ways that also made me make bad decisions. I think now I'm at the point where I allow myself to enjoy feeling my emotions but at the same time am able to compartmentalize them. I allow myself to freely feel them but at the same time am able now to shut them off when need be or precisely put limits on them so that they won't blend over into other areas and cause me to act in a way that is not best for that situation.

I'm assuming this has something to due with the script concerning self control and self discipline except on an emotional level. In this case I realized that my being needy to having people like me was dumb and unrealistic and adjusted that to the point that I really don't care about some random no name on the street. Hell, even if it is someone I know I don't really care all that much though I will enjoy myself while talking to them. Matter of fact I saw an old buddy from the Navy was on Facebook and we briefly talked for a bit (He went to Korea actually after being stationed in Hawaii with me, got married to a women from there, and now has ship duty in Japan). When I look back on it I was actually allowing myself to enjoy talking to him. This is different that I noticed in my conversations in the past where if I was talking to someone I would want to enjoy the conversation but the fear of making them dislike me and seeking their approval kept me from enjoying many interactions. It actually led to me being stalled and quiet during conversations because I would be in my head thinking of what to say and hope it didn't make me seem bad.

Anyway, It seems that I am correctly "calibrating" myself in this regards and in other areas. I'm also noticing some kind of abundance mentality after switching to hybrid. Its like this idea that I deserve to have the best women that I want and shouldn't have to settle if I don't want to. I did realize as well that the past couple of days I haven't really been able to talk to the Indonesian chick and despite her lack of response at times bothering me at the beginning (her employer is getting strict about her being on the phone) I have found for the last few days I really haven't cared all that much. I might care about her but I'm not needy about her because in truth I don't need her. If things fell apart I know there is like billions of other women out there.

As for my work, I was able to get through like 2 different videos yesterday for my other accounting class before I had to take a break because I was too tired and it was starting to affect my learning capability. Today I probably only need like 1 to 2 more videos then I feel like I should be ready. On top of that last night I actually started working on getting stuff ready for my trip to Korea without even thinking about it. I sent in an application for a replacement drivers license that I lost and looked up what steps I would need to get an international license that would allow me to driver in Korea for up to a year before I have to get a local one. I also did some research and it would be better to just keep my car here and buy another one when I get to Korea. It would cost 3k USD to send it over there then I have to pay additional fees for importing a non-Korean made car. Its just too much of a hassle. So, I will just buy a cheap, in good condition used one while I'm there.

Speaking of that, I have pretty much decided that despite being able to make more money over the next 2 months here I will try my best to actually get to Korea as soon as possible. I'm just not interested in working in the US and dealing with American type attitudes at work. Obviously, not all Americans act a certain way but too many that I have worked with just don't know how to act at work. I'm sure with my new emotional stability I can deal with it but why deal with it in the first place lol ? No thanks, I think I will skip on all that.

I am excited to see how all this new tech might affect UMS though. If I'm getting these kind of results on a sub that has multiple titles in it I wonder how much better it will be when I'm running something that has a singular focus. As one last thing, I have noticed that ever since I've gotten this not caring about what people think about me attitude I've noticed more and more random people stopping to talk to me or in some cases feel like they get nervous in my presence instead of me being the nervous one. Don't know how that works but I guess its a nice change.