Throw Fear To The Curb! - StridingStrider's OF Journal

[StridingStrider]

I brought this on the 20th of June, but I wasn't sure if it'd be worth posting as there were so many other journals at the time, and there's even more now.

I'm currently on Cycle #3 and I'm noticing some interesting developments.

Cycle #1 was pretty smooth. I had headaches in the beginning, as I was on a week break from LTU5 when OF dropped which I don't think was a coincidence. Truthfully I don't remember much, aside from maybe becoming a little less fearful.

Cycle #2 was more noticeable. On the ASRB break I had some of my best levels of anxiety yet, able to talk normally with people without feeling an internal need to "run off".

During this cycle I also developed diarrhea, which I believe is my own fault due to some dodgy food. However, it was much worse then I'd normally experience, where it got to the point I was going to the toilet every hour or so. I could tell my body was fighting something off as my sensation of warm dropped. Maybe unrelated but I thought I'd include that in here.

Another issue soon after that was I developed back pain for a couple of days, which came out of nowhere. Also, I'd get short lived headaches which were momentarily quite painful. I think these latter issues are type 3 resistance.

Cycle #3 I'm on currently. So far I seem to be processing emotional stuff. I got into a "spat" with my brother which wasn't much, just over text which I dealt with really well, but some stuff was said which I later reflected on. I considered confronting him about it, but ended up just keeping my distance instead. I think that was the right move, but it had an effect on me emotionally.

Also something I've been procrastinating the hell out of, which I know is due to fear I restarted today. I had been doing it during LTU5, but dropped it for a few weeks. I was welling up just thinking about how hard I find it to engage with. Hopefully OF can help.

[StridingStrider]

Finished the last listening night. Now I'm onto the first rest day of Cycle #3.

Cycle #3 has been emotional processing for me. Lots of doubts, fear and anxiety. But I've also been more proactive because of it, likely due to OF. Got my driving lessons booked, phoned the dentist which I'd been putting off and earlier in the cycle I had to confront my brother about his attitude which I deferred on earlier. What was remarkable was how calm I felt, despite being in an emotionally charged situation. Likely the DRS.

Looking forward to the bloom. Hopefully it's as good as cycle #2.

Edit: Forgot to mention that my dream involved me riding a horse, which was obeying my commands even though I've never rode a horse before. We were on the roads of my local area where I took a turn which should of led back to my house, but instead we found a motorway. At this point I got off the horse to avoid a calamity.

Dream moods says:

"To dream that you are riding a horse suggests that you are in a high position or position of power. Alternatively, it indicates that you will achieve success through underhanded means. You lack integrity. If you are riding a horse that is out of control, then it means that you are being carried away by your passions."

I think my dream means that I'm beginning to get ahold of my fears, although I'm not quite there yet. Good stuff.

[StridingStrider]

Updated previous post with dream.

1/3 day of rest of Cycle #3.

Today has been better. Less anxiety. I've been applying to jobs more frequently, even to jobs I don't have much interest in. I figure I'll just attend the interviews and see what I think should they get back to me.

I do still have anxiety throughout the day, whenever I feel conflict is possible. On my way back from my sisters house there was a guy walking his dog, who looked a bit chavvy (our hoodlums in the UK) and as he was walking his dog he must of saw someone he knows drive past him, at which point he tries running off as if he was in danger. His dog wouldn't follow him though, so he ends up leaving the dog and running down a few doors to another house. When I saw what was happening I got a bit scared as to what was going to happen. Nothing did, but his reaction caused a reaction in me.

[StridingStrider]

Night #3 of Cycle #4

Switched over to Ultrasonic. See if that helps things. I was having trouble with my sleep phones falling off, or moving about. Unfortunately most sleep phones are wireless now, and I don't want that. So the remaining competitors are not the best...

That said, three nights into it I had a nice dream. And by nice I mean a nuclear bomb goes off into the distance of a field I'm in, followed by larva making its way towards me before I wake up. I like this symbolism...

Feel a bit different waking up. Let's see if anythings changed.

[RTBoss]

Night #3 of Cycle #4

Switched over to Ultrasonic. See if that helps things. I was having trouble with my sleep phones falling off, or moving about. Unfortunately most sleep phones are wireless now, and I don't want that. So the remaining competitors are not the best...

That said, three nights into it I had a nice dream. And by nice I mean a nuclear bomb goes off into the distance of a field I'm in, followed by larva making its way towards me before I wake up. I like this symbolism...

Feel a bit different waking up. Let's see if anythings changed.

I really like the Cozy Phones Contour that I purchased on Amazon.  Low price, nice long nylon cord that doesn't tangle, and they're pretty snug.  I also noticed that the quality of the audio is much better than my last pair, so it seems they've upgraded them.

[StridingStrider]

Night #3 of Cycle #4

Switched over to Ultrasonic. See if that helps things. I was having trouble with my sleep phones falling off, or moving about. Unfortunately most sleep phones are wireless now, and I don't want that. So the remaining competitors are not the best...

That said, three nights into it I had a nice dream. And by nice I mean a nuclear bomb goes off into the distance of a field I'm in, followed by larva making its way towards me before I wake up. I like this symbolism...

Feel a bit different waking up. Let's see if anythings changed.

I really like the Cozy Phones Contour that I purchased on Amazon.  Low price, nice long nylon cord that doesn't tangle, and they're pretty snug.  I also noticed that the quality of the audio is much better than my last pair, so it seems they've upgraded them.

Nice! I'll look into them. Sleephones are a must for some subs, like DMSI.

[StridingStrider]

Rest Day #1 of Cycle #4

I think the program is working. I've finished my military application which I was procrastinating hard on for an extra 4 months then planned. But it's done now, and submitted.

Anxiety is at good levels also. Still not free but getting better. Otherwise not much to report. I haven't had another dream since my nuclear bomb one, and I've been a bit sceptical if my US volume is loud enough (13/15) as I can't hear anything unless its right next to my ears. I know this is how it's supposed to work but doubt is doubt. Thinking of switching to Hybrid as 6 loops is pretty easy to fit in at night. I'm not running something 24/7 like AM. Maybe the higher power will be beneficial.

[StridingStrider]

Night #1 of Cycle #5

EDIT: Nevermind. According to my records I'm right on track. God it gets confusing sometimes.

Had a really nice dream. Better then the nuclear bomb one actually. Multiple fears showed up, and instead of being symbolic it was literal. Without going into details.. it was hot.

I'm going to learn from this and make sure I'm more diligent with checking my records before I play the loops at night. Switching to Hybrid threw me off. It does seem more powerful though, and I like that I can hear something if I wake up early.

[StridingStrider]

Night #2 of Cycle #5

Didn't get to play OF last night. After I started the playlist and stuck my head down, the playlist cuts out. I was aware it stopped, but was too tired to restart it and just fell to sleep. Kind of lazy on my part. I'm playing OF now though. Hopefully I won't have any calls for the rest of the day. Schedule is a bit tight.

[StridingStrider]

Night #5 of Cycle 5

Been having a lot of dreams lately, relating to fear. Some really messed up ones too. Went to the dentist recently, and felt a lot more comfortable then I was when I was still on LTU5. Makes me realise that fear has been my #1 problem for many years, even decades. Think I should of ran OF 5g as my first sub for about a year, then focus on emotional healing. But it is what it is.

Really enjoying OF. Look forward to my listening days. Think I'm going to stick with the standard sASRB for the time being. I think I execute better on the rest days anyway.

[StridingStrider]

Rest Day #3 of Cycle #5

So I begin Cycle 6 tonight. Looking forward to it. During my rest days I seem to be processing emotionally, even had a physical sense of 'something going on' underneath my chest, which I think was emotional energy.

Had a lot of dreams also which were.. weird to say the least, but I think its connected to my fears. Not the horror monster type, more intimate, more immediate, more earthly.

I have to say, I was hoping I would get the horror type dreams, something really primal at the depth of my being, like a monster or a dungeon with ghosts etc but none yet. I think given enough time something like that might get unearthed.

Yesterday I spoke with a women who was walking her dog and she seemed to be into me. This is the second time since I've begun OF that I've had female interest which I found odd. Fears surrounding women have been one of my major issues from my teens, and normally I will avoid them whenever possible, but when I spoke with her I felt pretty good even. Definitely progress.

[StridingStrider]

Night #2 of Stage #6

First night and the previous rest days I had a lot of anxiety, so I'm considering reducing the ASRB to 2 rest days instead of 3.

Today I'm feeling less anxious and more confident.

[StridingStrider]

Night #5 of Cycle #6

Had a nightmarish style dream. In it I felt like someone was after me, but I felt little fear, despite the events that unfolded. One of the events was I was eating and in my food was a message concerning me dying I think. Also my sister and her son get locked in a room while they're trying to visit me, and I have to find a way to open it, while there's someone or something outside of the main door trying to get in, but nothing does.

Symbolism is pretty obvious and doesn't bother me in the slightest.

While I was out walking the dog I happened upon another couple and we exchanged a few comments and for the first time in a long time I had a good genuine laugh with a stranger instead of just trying to get away. Good stuff.

Tonight is the last night of #Cycle 6, then I take a two day rest.

I'm enjoying OF, and I feel like it's having a much bigger impact then previous subs. I think I'm going to be on this one for a long time, perhaps a year. We shall see.

[StridingStrider]

Night #4 of Cycle #7

Been feeling anxious more, along with fear. Going to stick with the 2 rest days and see how it goes. If this keeps up I might go back to the standard ASRB.

I've also decided to get LTU6 before the price increase, even though it's a lot for me right now. I think it would be more beneficial for me then E4 after I'm done with OF.