The saga continues: AM 6

[Shannon]

So these past few nights my headphones have been slipping off while I sleep. I'm tightening up the headband tonight to see if it stays on. Either it was too loose or during my half awake state at night I pull them off without realizing it. If it continues I'm going to have to switch to speakers so I'm guaranteed I'm getting enough exposure at night. I make sure I'm listening during the day as well so hopefully it's been making up for it.

I've noticed the roughness of this sub has died down a bit. And I think that's because I've stopped fighting with the resistance so much. I kept thinking I could find some kind of answer to get past the resistance or convince my subconscious to accept the sub fully. But I was just stressing myself out trying to get it to work faster. Now I just let it work in the background and if I notice I'm resisting I just acknowledge it and do my best to keep working on the stuff outside of my own head. That's been one of my biggest problems is dwelling too much inside my own head overthinking and obsessing instead of just focusing on the present.

Anyway I had work the other day and I noticed my anxiety decreased a lot. I wasn't worried about making a mistake or doing something wrong. It was also incredibly busy and I had a bunch of tasks I didn't get to and normally I criticize myself for it but this time I didn't care. They are a bit short on workers there and I'm supposed to be working on the floor, but a lot of the time they need me cashiering as well. There's only so much I can do at once and it's not my fault. That was a problem in the past, always putting excess blame on myself.

I will say this, I hate working retail. Too many interactions with people all day. Despite not being anxious anymore it still drains me and I don't know why. I know it's because I'm an introvert but still, why does that happen to introverts? Is it a physiological thing like too much stimulus? I feel like I'm not suited for this type of environment and I'm being too hard on myself about it.

Because introverts need to expend energy to deal with and interact with others, and extroverts get energy from the interaction.

[mat422]

So these past few nights my headphones have been slipping off while I sleep. I'm tightening up the headband tonight to see if it stays on. Either it was too loose or during my half awake state at night I pull them off without realizing it. If it continues I'm going to have to switch to speakers so I'm guaranteed I'm getting enough exposure at night. I make sure I'm listening during the day as well so hopefully it's been making up for it.

I've noticed the roughness of this sub has died down a bit. And I think that's because I've stopped fighting with the resistance so much. I kept thinking I could find some kind of answer to get past the resistance or convince my subconscious to accept the sub fully. But I was just stressing myself out trying to get it to work faster. Now I just let it work in the background and if I notice I'm resisting I just acknowledge it and do my best to keep working on the stuff outside of my own head. That's been one of my biggest problems is dwelling too much inside my own head overthinking and obsessing instead of just focusing on the present.

Anyway I had work the other day and I noticed my anxiety decreased a lot. I wasn't worried about making a mistake or doing something wrong. It was also incredibly busy and I had a bunch of tasks I didn't get to and normally I criticize myself for it but this time I didn't care. They are a bit short on workers there and I'm supposed to be working on the floor, but a lot of the time they need me cashiering as well. There's only so much I can do at once and it's not my fault. That was a problem in the past, always putting excess blame on myself.

I will say this, I hate working retail. Too many interactions with people all day. Despite not being anxious anymore it still drains me and I don't know why. I know it's because I'm an introvert but still, why does that happen to introverts? Is it a physiological thing like too much stimulus? I feel like I'm not suited for this type of environment and I'm being too hard on myself about it.

Because introverts need to expend energy to deal with and interact with others, and extroverts get energy from the interaction.

Is there anyway to minimize it? I don't really have any desire to change who I am, but sometimes life throws you into situations that aren't exactly ideal and you have to make due. But after this experience I'm definitely more motivated to get myself as far away from these types of jobs as possible. It does irritate me however that extroversion is seen as the standard among everybody and there's not much room for variation for that in society.

[Frosted]

Yeah all my jobs required me to be an extrovert too :/. I don't want to work at a normal job anymore, that's why I'm gonna be doing a little side project until I can make enough to find out what I want to do long term.

[mat422]

Yeah all my jobs required me to be an extrovert too :/. I don't want to work at a normal job anymore, that's why I'm gonna be doing a little side project until I can make enough to find out what I want to do long term.

Sounds like a plan. I'm only on stage 1 of alpha right now, but I'm beginning to be unable to tolerate the idea of slaving away for someone else. So hopefully down the road with this sub I figure something out. I've come to the realization that a large majority of jobs out there just suck the life out of their workers with nothing in return except monetary compensation which we're told is the holy grail of happiness. But I value my emotional well-being a lot more than money.

[mat422]

I'm going to take this time to talk about something that I feel I put upon myself that shouldn't be my responsibility. I don't hate people, I just want to clear that up before I get into this. But A LOT of people I come across irritate me. I've heard it said that you shouldn't judge someone being rude or angry at you because they might be having a bad day, their parents died, they got dumped, their car broke down, they are having a rough time, etc. So what? It's not my personal responsibility to see past their outside behavior and excuse it. I'm sorry but I've had days even months where I was incredibly pissed, but I made sure never to lash out at people. I took personal responsibility for my emotions and handled them in a mature way. I don't care anymore about being nice to people. No matter how virtuous it is to continue to be understanding in the face of someone who is cursing you out or letting out their frustrations on you, it's not my job.

That's it, from now on if someone is being a jerk they get treated like a jerk. An immature jerk with the emotional maturity of a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum. Maybe I'll change my mind somewhere down the road, but I guess I read too many spiritual books about unconditional love and got carried away with thinking it was my obligation to do this kind of stuff. That's what spending too much time outside of reality will do, you'll have your own idealist views of how everyone should be and people will crush those expectations.

[Frosted]

AM6 is working .

[mat422]

AM6 is working .

Wooo! I'm sure there's plenty more where that came from. Especially with my people pleasing behavior.

[Shannon]

You are now in the phase where you are rejecting your past treatment and boundaries, and starting to set new boundaries and expectations for treatment. This is usually a time when guys will go through the "asshole/jerk" stage, and it is later calibrated and refined.

But yes... it's working. Congrats!

[mat422]

I've been on stage 1 for a bit now and I find myself still having a great deal of discomfort while listening. To be honest I have no idea what it is at this point. It feels like a mixture between intense sadness and hopelessness. Like I know there's a better life for me in the future, but at the same time I feel like I'm going to be struggling for the rest of my life. Like living a life I actually enjoy is just a pipe dream. I feel like it's an intense reaction to whatever life affirming or direction oriented goals are in Alpha. That's how my mind generally works. When I used to do affirmations my mind would immediately interject with the most negative self hating kind of comments. I'd imagine this hopelessness and sadness is just a similar reaction.

But as an aside, for a while now I've been going above and beyond at my job. Being the go to guy, staying later, etc. I realized a lot of that was fueled by people pleasing behavior and shame. I was burning myself out fast and the anxiety was way too high. I'm slowly beginning to be more comfortable with setting boundaries and limits and not feeling bad about it. People pleasing behavior has nothing to do with wanting to help people as I often deluded myself into believing. It was this fear that if I wasn't constantly being nice to people and bending over backwards for everyone else than I wasn't a good person. It was also this sort of weird self punishment. I'd turn myself into this emotional slave providing for everyone else because I felt like I was such a terrible person this was the only way to redeem myself. The most messed up part about all this is it's actually very selfish, despite appearing to be kind on the outside. It's an ugliness that was masked as niceness.

To be honest that's been one of my fears throughout my life. That if you took away this sense of validation, I'd be a cold sociopath. That my kindness to others is only fueled through self gratification. That's a huge debate among philosophers I won't get into. But the thing I fear the most is secretly being like the very people I dislike and who use and hurt others. I don't know, maybe that's been a major stumbling block for me to move forward in life and let go of some of this stuff.

[mat422]

Haven't been taking care of myself too well lately. I need to start working out again. Nothing major, just to stay healthy. Not looking to pack on muscle and obsess about it like I did in the past. I also have to look into my diet some more or figure out why the hell my body doesn't tolerate certain food. Can't have caffeine, wheat, corn, soy, oats, or rice without feeling like crap. And vegetable oils mess me up too. It's been a headache trying to figure out what I can eat vs what I have to avoid. For me it's really important to avoid the foods I can't tolerate otherwise I get a whole slew of brain problems. Can't focus, can't relax, anxiety goes up, fatigue goes up, negativity goes up, etc. It's getting really hard to figure this out though because I don't understand why the hell my body can't tolerate this stuff. All I know is that a lot of mental problems can be traced back to inflammation in the body and foods that cause inflammation should be avoided.

[Blink]

Haven't been taking care of myself too well lately. I need to start working out again. Nothing major, just to stay healthy. Not looking to pack on muscle and obsess about it like I did in the past. I also have to look into my diet some more or figure out why the hell my body doesn't tolerate certain food. Can't have caffeine, wheat, corn, soy, oats, or rice without feeling like crap. And vegetable oils mess me up too. It's been a headache trying to figure out what I can eat vs what I have to avoid. For me it's really important to avoid the foods I can't tolerate otherwise I get a whole slew of brain problems. Can't focus, can't relax, anxiety goes up, fatigue goes up, negativity goes up, etc. It's getting really hard to figure this out though because I don't understand why the hell my body can't tolerate this stuff. All I know is that a lot of mental problems can be traced back to inflammation in the body and foods that cause inflammation should be avoided.

Oh damn... You probably already have, but just in case, have you tried digestive enzymes or alpha lipoic acids?

[mat422]

Haven't been taking care of myself too well lately. I need to start working out again. Nothing major, just to stay healthy. Not looking to pack on muscle and obsess about it like I did in the past. I also have to look into my diet some more or figure out why the hell my body doesn't tolerate certain food. Can't have caffeine, wheat, corn, soy, oats, or rice without feeling like crap. And vegetable oils mess me up too. It's been a headache trying to figure out what I can eat vs what I have to avoid. For me it's really important to avoid the foods I can't tolerate otherwise I get a whole slew of brain problems. Can't focus, can't relax, anxiety goes up, fatigue goes up, negativity goes up, etc. It's getting really hard to figure this out though because I don't understand why the hell my body can't tolerate this stuff. All I know is that a lot of mental problems can be traced back to inflammation in the body and foods that cause inflammation should be avoided.

Oh damn... You probably already have, but just in case, have you tried digestive enzymes or alpha lipoic acids?

Nah I haven't tried either of those. I'll have to research a bit. Any brands you recommend? I've heard of digestive enzymes before. I've also heard they don't do much for some people.

[Blink]

Haven't been taking care of myself too well lately. I need to start working out again. Nothing major, just to stay healthy. Not looking to pack on muscle and obsess about it like I did in the past. I also have to look into my diet some more or figure out why the hell my body doesn't tolerate certain food. Can't have caffeine, wheat, corn, soy, oats, or rice without feeling like crap. And vegetable oils mess me up too. It's been a headache trying to figure out what I can eat vs what I have to avoid. For me it's really important to avoid the foods I can't tolerate otherwise I get a whole slew of brain problems. Can't focus, can't relax, anxiety goes up, fatigue goes up, negativity goes up, etc. It's getting really hard to figure this out though because I don't understand why the hell my body can't tolerate this stuff. All I know is that a lot of mental problems can be traced back to inflammation in the body and foods that cause inflammation should be avoided.

Oh damn... You probably already have, but just in case, have you tried digestive enzymes or alpha lipoic acids?

Nah I haven't tried either of those. I'll have to research a bit. Any brands you recommend? I've heard of digestive enzymes before. I've also heard they don't do much for some people.

I use NOW Foods' stuff. I did not feel any difference when I used the enzymes. Maybe my body didn't need them. Can't complain about their ALA tho. They're also very affordable. But if you got some extra money to spare on supplements, I would go for Anabolic Innovations' Glycobol for ALA. That one was great! Digesting a whole pizza was a joke when I used to take them.

[mat422]

Haven't been taking care of myself too well lately. I need to start working out again. Nothing major, just to stay healthy. Not looking to pack on muscle and obsess about it like I did in the past. I also have to look into my diet some more or figure out why the hell my body doesn't tolerate certain food. Can't have caffeine, wheat, corn, soy, oats, or rice without feeling like crap. And vegetable oils mess me up too. It's been a headache trying to figure out what I can eat vs what I have to avoid. For me it's really important to avoid the foods I can't tolerate otherwise I get a whole slew of brain problems. Can't focus, can't relax, anxiety goes up, fatigue goes up, negativity goes up, etc. It's getting really hard to figure this out though because I don't understand why the hell my body can't tolerate this stuff. All I know is that a lot of mental problems can be traced back to inflammation in the body and foods that cause inflammation should be avoided.

Oh damn... You probably already have, but just in case, have you tried digestive enzymes or alpha lipoic acids?

Nah I haven't tried either of those. I'll have to research a bit. Any brands you recommend? I've heard of digestive enzymes before. I've also heard they don't do much for some people.

I use NOW Foods' stuff. I did not feel any difference when I used the enzymes. Maybe my body didn't need them. Can't complain about their ALA tho. They're also very affordable. But if you got some extra money to spare on supplements, I would go for Anabolic Innovations' Glycobol for ALA. That one was great! Digesting a whole pizza was a joke when I used to take them.

Cool, I'll check them out. Thanks.

---

Nothing to really report on AM except getting increasingly frustrated with how to live a life that's authentic to me without getting caught up in all the bullshit around me. I've noticed there's a lot of fear surrounding branching off and going my own way instead of looking for constant guidance. And I've realized 90% of the time that's bad because most people are walking around with their own limiting beliefs that they'll push on you unconsciously.

The best way I can put this is in terms of video games. Older RPGs like final fantasy 7 used to give me a tough time. You could always buy the strategy guide, but it felt like cheating to me. But there was always that pull to check when I was stuck. That pull happens in real life too. It's that urge to research a topic obsessively or find someone else who can give you solid answers to your questions. I need to find my own path, without looking for so much guidance outside myself and I honestly don't think I'm ready for that yet.

The thing to take away from most of my life is I've had too much planning, not enough action. Thinking if I just planned everything right I could avoid failure. But then I ended up in a never ending loop of constantly feeling like I wasn't prepared enough for something and putting it off forever.