The saga continues: AM 6

[mat422]

Desire to post here dropped off immensely. AM6 is making me highly aware of actual progress vs ego stroking. I had to add on about 3 more days of stage 2 because I had a few nights where my headphones came off and I feel like I didn't listen enough that night.

Overall I've been having this growing discontent with where I am right now. I need to get the hell out of retail. So far AM6 has helped me stop being anxious about being fired or not doing a good enough job. I just go in and do my best and if they don't like it they can fire me. As much as I want to get out, I don't know what to replace it with. I've been meaning to do some job searching, but something stops me. It just feels like I have absolutely nothing to offer. I have no leverage and writing cover letters and applying is so damn frustrating.


I just want to scream. It feels like the large majority of people are content with living a life where you sacrifice your valuable time in order to make money to buy more stuff, but I'm not. I don't even know at this point. I can't figure out why it seems like everyone else around me has a good idea of where to go in life and I don't. It feels like instead of moving forward I'm as lost as ever in life. It's like AM6 has upped my standards for what's acceptable for my life, but at the same time I'm still not confident enough to pursue it. I see all this bullshit I'm aware of and yet I feel powerless to rise above it all. To escape the rat race. AM6 has amplified who I am at my core, unfortunately I feel horribly incompatible with this world.

[blackwing Z]

Hey, it's okay. Just keep moving forwards, things fall into place. Most of us been there in that frustrating place.

[mat422]

Thanks. I'm hoping things smooth out in later stages. It seems like there's a lot of crap and old bad habits that are emerging lately that makes me feel like I'm moving backwards a bit.

[Kol]

I agree with Blackwing Z. It will smoothen out. I was in that same place in my run. It eventually clear up and the results are golden. Like a primal drive burning all away and clear cut your mind like a diamond. Powerfull stuff.

[blackwing Z]

I agree with Blackwing Z. It will smoothen out. I was in that same place in my run. It eventually clear up and the results are golden. Like a primal drive burning all away and clear cut your mind like a diamond. Powerfull stuff.

Diamond mind ;P lmao

[mat422]

I woke up today and realized something really important. I've been trying to build myself up and make myself stronger to survive in this world. But I neglected to focus on what I want and what would make me happy. Instead of using that energy and concentrating it into positive goals I've essentially been gearing up to go to war against all the negative aspects of life I detest. In doing so my focus has still been on the negative and that's what's been manifesting in my life.

People tend to make their own realities for themselves and within these realities they have certain rules they follow that blind them from seeing the whole picture. I'm guilty of this. I still have moments where I slip up and it's taken me until now to realize that I'm still operating out of a reality where life is a struggle and I have to build myself up to survive. It's like a game I created for myself, but there's more to life than this game and I have to explore outside of it.

I don't really have a set destination or a plan, but every day I'm going to focus on being on the right path instead of focusing on being lost. Basically before I was sailing directly into the eye of the storm, but now I see that if I want my life to improve I have to change my course which is essentially my mindset.

[mat422]

I get these insights and then they slip through my fingers. Or I revert back to old ways. I have to start investigating why I can't maintain these mindsets. It could be that I momentarily shut out the negative and things appear to be better, but I can't hold onto it for long. Perhaps it's just an indication I'm not there yet and need more time.

In any case it's just a reminder to take it easy on myself. All I can do is give myself encouragement and keep running the sub. Also to stop expecting or forcing myself to behave in a certain manner and to start listening more to what my subconscious is telling me or trying to resist.

[mat422]

Coming close to the end of stage 2 and it seems like I'm a bit more receptive towards what it's trying to do. Can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It's good because I'm not fighting as much, but it's bad because I feel like if I wasn't fighting as much from the beginning I'd be getting better results. Oh well, it is what it is.

I figured out part of my reluctance to embracing a lot of the changes that AM6 is doing is because of authenticity. Somewhere deep in the back of my mind I still feel like being a confident alpha person isn't me. So I'm trying to hold onto this old self, the one that is insecure and depressed while also accepting the new self. But it's just not possible. I have to embrace the new me or I'll never change, it's as simple as that.

I don't know what goes through my head, but I guess I never really let go of that fear of changing myself or not being myself. E2 was ok because in my head it was just clearing and clearing brings out the best in me. But AM6 seems like it's changing me and for some reason I still perceive that as artificial or wrong. I don't know how to describe it really, but I think that's what's holding me back the most. Maybe it's just resistance in a different form? Every time I experience these thoughts it seems to get me to revert to my old self, so I guess it works in getting me to avoid change. The problem is in the past I told myself these thoughts were closer to the truth than they actually are. Ugh, mind games.

[blackwing Z]

It is my understanding that often times the mind will come up with excuses to trick you out of reaching your desired destination... out of fear/etc.

So even the thoughts you are having now about it being "possible" or not, are just tricks of your mind.

Resistance

Just keep moving forward and get the job done. You clearly want to reach the goal... you probably even said to yourself that you would do whatever it takes, especially at the beginning of the journey, right? It will get very dark and difficult. It's an ugly process, which I'm still going through again right now, and one more time right after. But it's only a couple of months-year. That's not too long.

(also very liberating idea... dont gotta analyze it all. if its too confusing or bad, just say "fuck it" and let go. not every problem needs solving)

[mat422]

It is my understanding that often times the mind will come up with excuses to trick you out of reaching your desired destination... out of fear/etc.

So even the thoughts you are having now about it being "possible" or not, are just tricks of your mind.

Resistance

Just keep moving forward and get the job done. You clearly want to reach the goal... you probably even said to yourself that you would do whatever it takes, especially at the beginning of the journey, right? It will get very dark and difficult. It's an ugly process, which I'm still going through again right now, and one more time right after. But it's only a couple of months-year. That's not too long.

(also very liberating idea... dont gotta analyze it all. if its too confusing or bad, just say "**** it" and let go. not every problem needs solving)

Yeah, I'm no stranger to AM runs but every time I run it it's like my mind comes up with new shit to throw me off course with.

I like that idea. I'm constantly over analyzing the crap out of everything. It would do me good to just forget about this stuff and just let the sub do it's job. I'm sure whatever my subconscious is up to it's figuring this stuff out at a rate my conscious mind couldn't match.

[mat422]

Got hit with a cold out of nowhere. Part of me thinks this is the universe giving me a sign to take it easy on myself. It seems like the only time I only go easy on myself is when I'm sick. Sometimes when I'm dealing with intensely painful migraines I notice a lot of repressed emotional stuff comes up. Maybe it's that I'm in such a weakened state I don't have that wall up that I usually do. Anyway some stuff has come into my awareness.

It feels like lately I've been moving forward in life outwardly, but internally I'm not in alignment with it. I'd go so far as to say these past few years I've just been doing things that I've been told are important instead of listening to what I actually want. I've always compared myself to others too much and I've always been too harsh on myself. It never really occurred to me that there's a difference between pushing your comfort zone vs accepting who you are. Instead of expanding my comfort zone and growing as a person I've just been criticizing who I am and trying to change it. There's definitely been growth, but there's also been a lot of avoidance around accepting who I am.

I've realized a lot of my personal strengths aren't things that are highly valued in western society at least. So when I measure myself up to a standard that doesn't even take me into consideration, it's a recipe for feeling like I'm wrong or that I need to change. I definitely have my faults, but the core of who I am, there's nothing wrong with it. The fact that I don't thrive in messed up environments isn't a weakness, it just shows I have a low tolerance for negativity and want to be above it.

I've sort of been in a cut off emotions and get things done mode lately. Thinking that once I got my life organized I would be happy. But I've realized it's brought me nothing but misery as I've lost my internal compass and fallen prey to all the manipulation out there that tries to coerce me into being anything but myself. I'm still learning what it means to be an alpha male for me, but so far I realize it's not about changing who I am at my core or trying to be someone else.

[ffaux]

It feels like lately I've been moving forward in life outwardly, but internally I'm not in alignment with it. I'd go so far as to say these past few years I've just been doing things that I've been told are important instead of listening to what I actually want. I've always compared myself to others too much and I've always been too harsh on myself. It never really occurred to me that there's a difference between pushing your comfort zone vs accepting who you are. Instead of expanding my comfort zone and growing as a person I've just been criticizing who I am and trying to change it. There's definitely been growth, but there's also been a lot of avoidance around accepting who I am.

I can relate to this a lot. This reflects my experience in my last run of AM6. It feels so liberating!

[mat422]

It feels like lately I've been moving forward in life outwardly, but internally I'm not in alignment with it. I'd go so far as to say these past few years I've just been doing things that I've been told are important instead of listening to what I actually want. I've always compared myself to others too much and I've always been too harsh on myself. It never really occurred to me that there's a difference between pushing your comfort zone vs accepting who you are. Instead of expanding my comfort zone and growing as a person I've just been criticizing who I am and trying to change it. There's definitely been growth, but there's also been a lot of avoidance around accepting who I am.

I can relate to this a lot. This reflects my experience in my last run of AM6. It feels so liberating!

Good to hear I'm on the right track. AM6 feels like one big wandering aimless journey at times.

---

For a long time I've been chasing after getting good at stuff. I realized for me personally, I don't care about any of that stuff. My music started feeling like a job and I lost inspiration for it because I was so bent out of shape about getting it good enough. Now I just make it for the sake of expression, even if it turns out like crap I know if I keep going it has to get better. But getting better isn't the main focus.

Life's just too damn short to be caught up in my head thinking about the future all the time and imagining the one day when I'm where I want to be. I'm 25 now and I think back to just a few years ago I was hanging out with my friends almost every day just bullshitting and having fun. Now everyone is going their separate ways almost and we're in that adult stage of life where you have to start scheduling meeting up with people and I hate it.

It's funny because when I first started running AM6 if felt like I needed to focus on more goals and plan better. That I needed to become this super successful person in all areas of my life. But now I'm starting to see that life is better spent enjoying the moments you have than planning for some future idealized scenario that may never come about. I've been thinking of achievements in terms of money, jobs, dating success, etc. you know all the common stuff people usually chase after. But I realized why I have such a hard time motivating myself for these things and it's because I just don't care about them. And I'm not gonna sit here and badmouth people that want these things because I recognize everyone is here to achieve different things. But I'm not gonna let people disrespect my own wishes and try to persuade me into conforming to what they deem is the right way to live life. That's what bugs me the most, I'm very tolerant of how other people live their lives, but I get shit for how I want to live mine a lot of the time. I could speculate on a thousand reasons why that's the case, but what it boils down to is I'm not content living in that matrix I see around me with all the pressures to do this and that and buy this. I want no part of any of that.

I thought I was always immature and that I needed to grow up but now I realize it has nothing to do with that. I'm just different and I want different things and it was just pressure to change who I was under the guise of growing up or waking up to the real world. The irony of people who tell you that you need to wake up to the real world is nobody sees the real world, it's all perception through our filters, the fact that they think it's the real world is laughable because people live such drastically different lives there's no baseline to compare it to. So I just assume most people who say this equate the real world to living a life of going with the common view or opinion and not questioning it.

Things are really rough now though. I don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to do it. All I know is I'm reconnecting with the core of myself and learning to stop burying it and assuming I'm wrong or I need to change more. At times I feel like I'm the equivalent of a homeless person up on a soapbox shouting about all this stuff about freedom and breaking the chains of slavery to modern society, but you look at my position and realize I'm not in any better place than anyone else. I see it all so clearly and that's what pains me, because I haven't figured out a way to actualize it yet. Call it what you will, society, peer pressure, pendulums, psychic energy, etc. whatever it is it still has it's hooks in me, but every day I run AM6 I feel closer and closer to breaking the grip of it and following my own path.

[mat422]

Had a few realizations these past few days. First one I'm gonna start with is the whole being alpha thing for me. I thought using this subliminal I'd start being more dominant and having that don't mess with me vibe. But I realized it's so much better to just go about your business and just not even give off that kind of vibe in the first place. When I had really bad social anxiety as a teenager my main coping mechanism was aggression. It sucked, it was like being intensely paranoid of who was going to screw me over or who I might have to fight. I never want to be in that state again. First of all most people would assume if you give off a dominant vibe nobody would mess with you right? Not so, insecure guys who are intimidated by that vibe will start giving you crap and who really wants that? I'd rather someone think I'm weak or beta or whatever they call it and not even register with them. I'm really starting to not care what other people think about me and that's pretty much dropped my whole need to be perceived as dominant. As long as I can stand up for myself when I need to, that's all I really need. Everything else is just a waste of time and energy.

Second realization. There's a lot of pressure for guys to either date or have sex with really attractive girls. I'm gonna sound really judgemental here, but before running this sub I had an aversion to possibly dating girls that I considered not so attractive. I mean yeah to some degree you have to be sexually attracted to them, but my standards were way too high. I don't know what it is, but it's probably some issue with my own attractiveness. Being hyper critical of their appearance as I am to my own. But also partially some kind of messed up social conditioning or upbringing that made me self conscious about dating someone who wasn't super attractive. Stupid stuff, just all related to insecurities surrounding myself. And now that it's fading all away I'm feeling more human if that makes any sense. Instead of this perfect idealized image I've been trying to uphold for years and dealing with a ton of anxiety from it.