The saga continues: AM 6

[mat422]

First thing I want to say is I'm going to do my best not to hype this up. A lot of frustrations in the past had to do with having an idealized version of myself that I would reach after AM and when I failed I took it hard. I have no doubt this program is going to do good things for me and I'm grateful for any and all changes that help improve my life.

I believe E2 has guided me to running AM again. What I realized was even though I felt that I accepted myself more and things were better, I still lacked this toughness or assertiveness. No matter how much I wanted to not believe it, the world tends to be a harsh place. I lacked the skills and mindset to defend against those who seek to manipulate me. As an idealist I constantly hold a vision of the world in my head that reflects my own values, sometimes it hurts to see that simple things like kindness and respect are thrown out the window. At that point it doesn't matter how much you accept yourself, if you don't put these people in their place they will continue to walk all over you. This is part of my growth as a man, understanding that there are unwritten rules about how the world works and how people operate and if I ignore these and keep living in some fantasy land I'm going to be continually stepped on. It's a bitter truth, but I'd rather rise above it all than be stuck in it constantly wishing for the world to be different.

[Benjamin]

Good luck! Hope it goes well.

I'm interested to see how it will go after E2, because as I mentioned I felt some of my trauma and deeper stuff held back some of AM6 which is why i'm doing E2 now.

[mat422]

Good luck! Hope it goes well.

I'm interested to see how it will go after E2, because as I mentioned I felt some of my trauma and deeper stuff held back some of AM6 which is why i'm doing E2 now.

Me too man haha. I've done so much clearing with E2 I would expect things to go relatively smoothly but who knows. One thing I've come to realize for myself is a lot of the stuff I thought was trauma or emotional pain was actually my resistance to letting it go on E2. It's tricky because you want to acknowledge the things that need healing, but at the same time you don't want to get stuck playing the never ending emotional healing game. I've been so deep in my head at times I started inventing problems just so I didn't have to change. The mind is a crazy thing at times.

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Alright so far I'm liking AM6. I keep forgetting how hard 5g hits you, I'm so used to 4g when it comes to the alpha subs. The fact that it's only been about two days but I've already noticed a shift in my behavior is pretty nuts. I'll recap at the end of the week when I see more. But overall I'm getting this don't give a fuck sort of vibe and I like it. Feels like when I'm mildly drunk and the filter goes down and I just speak my mind.

I'm excited about this run of AM. I've looked back at some of my previous journals with AM and even though I didn't really get where I wanted to be at the time, the mindset was very freeing. I really missed that. I take that as a good sign because in the past there was a lot of fear surrounding becoming more alpha, but this time it feels like I'm ready to do whatever it takes.

[mat422]

So that must have been about a year of E2?

How many runs of AM5 did you do?

Just about. I only did one run of AM5. I resisted that one really badly. But I think I ran 2011 twice, can't remember. Anyway I was long overdue for another run.

[mat422]

I gotta say something. Taking up the journey of running this sub is both exciting and daunting at the same time. There's a lot I need to improve in my life. I've been full on hermit mode these past few years. I convinced myself I was content with just my music and my few close friends. But that lifestyle is so confining, I cut myself off from all the amazing things this world has to offer. I'm not saying I need to become a super extrovert, but I need to stop hiding behind my introversion as an excuse not to explore the world more. If I'm spending alone time with myself I want it to be because I made the choice, not because I'm too afraid to go out there. It's too easy to convince yourself you don't really want something by staying in your comfort zone.

Maybe it's E2 or maybe it's AM 6 already kicking in, but I've become more aware of what needs to change in my life. And I'm starting to work on it more instead of hiding behind fear and lying to myself that everything is fine the way it is. There's a lot to work on though, that's why it's so daunting. Career, friends, girls, music, physical health, financial stuff, etc. I look at my life and it's like I've just been stalling for the longest time and now I just have a backlog of all this stuff I have to catch up on. It turns out you can't really find happiness just meditating in your room convincing yourself you don't need all that stuff. If I could go back in time I'd shake my younger self and tell him to do stupid stuff, make mistakes, stop trying to figure out life so much and stop being so serious. All that time I thought I was cultivating some deep knowledge that would put me ahead in life, but I failed to balance it with enough action and actually put it to use.

[mat422]

A lot of anger pepping up. After that last post I really thought about it and realized why. I'm just pissed about feeling like I need to accomplish this laundry list of goals in order to feel good about myself. When I think about it, it's really stupid. Why would we as people deprive ourselves of happiness and put it in the hands of something as fickle as status in society? It's just sickening to me how the whole system is set up to teach people this deranged way of living. I don't want to be a slave to it anymore, I've had enough.

To clarify I'm not putting down going after achievements in life. It's just important to do them for yourself and that's it. Not what they represent.

[mat422]

So these past few nights my headphones have been slipping off while I sleep. I'm tightening up the headband tonight to see if it stays on. Either it was too loose or during my half awake state at night I pull them off without realizing it. If it continues I'm going to have to switch to speakers so I'm guaranteed I'm getting enough exposure at night. I make sure I'm listening during the day as well so hopefully it's been making up for it.

I've noticed the roughness of this sub has died down a bit. And I think that's because I've stopped fighting with the resistance so much. I kept thinking I could find some kind of answer to get past the resistance or convince my subconscious to accept the sub fully. But I was just stressing myself out trying to get it to work faster. Now I just let it work in the background and if I notice I'm resisting I just acknowledge it and do my best to keep working on the stuff outside of my own head. That's been one of my biggest problems is dwelling too much inside my own head overthinking and obsessing instead of just focusing on the present.

Anyway I had work the other day and I noticed my anxiety decreased a lot. I wasn't worried about making a mistake or doing something wrong. It was also incredibly busy and I had a bunch of tasks I didn't get to and normally I criticize myself for it but this time I didn't care. They are a bit short on workers there and I'm supposed to be working on the floor, but a lot of the time they need me cashiering as well. There's only so much I can do at once and it's not my fault. That was a problem in the past, always putting excess blame on myself.

I will say this, I hate working retail. Too many interactions with people all day. Despite not being anxious anymore it still drains me and I don't know why. I know it's because I'm an introvert but still, why does that happen to introverts? Is it a physiological thing like too much stimulus? I feel like I'm not suited for this type of environment and I'm being too hard on myself about it.

[mat422]

I don't know if this happens to anyone else but I've been getting weird muscle spasm/contraction patterns while listening to this sub. It's like it's breaking up trapped emotions in my muscles. It's similar to the TRE exercises that create the tremors.

[mat422]

Decided to give the online dating thing a shot for the hell of it. Joined okcupid. I'm 25 and a lot of matches I get are 21-22 year olds. I don't really expect much out of joining this site, but I figured what the hell. But something about dating someone younger than me doesn't feel right. Maybe that's something I need to get over. It might also be the fact that I'm older but still don't have my life together and I guess I'm still embarrassed about that. Just in general I haven't put myself out there much with women because I felt like my whole living situation would turn them off.

[Life]

What stage are you on?

[mat422]

What stage are you on?

Still on the first stage.

[Dr. Strangelove]

Decided to give the online dating thing a shot for the hell of it. Joined okcupid. I'm 25 and a lot of matches I get are 21-22 year olds. I don't really expect much out of joining this site, but I figured what the hell. But something about dating someone younger than me doesn't feel right. Maybe that's something I need to get over. It might also be the fact that I'm older but still don't have my life together and I guess I'm still embarrassed about that. Just in general I haven't put myself out there much with women because I felt like my whole living situation would turn them off.

I've found, the value you have is the value you give yourself. AM will help you with this I believe, it helped me. Good luck with dating & AM run!

[Benjamin]

It only feels like that because you've been fed bullshit, lies and guilt by society. 4 years is barely anything. The girl i'm seeing now is 11 years younger than me and there hasn't been any issues. The last one was 10 years younger.

And that's what I prefer, women my age have stupid baggage and are usually the ones to write retarded profiles demanding all kinds of stupid crap and that whole attitude is a turn off. Younger girls are more relaxed, fun, playful and some of the girls my age even have lost that.

Though before E2 I still had guilt and such around it, now i'm way more okay with it.

[mat422]

Decided to give the online dating thing a shot for the hell of it. Joined okcupid. I'm 25 and a lot of matches I get are 21-22 year olds. I don't really expect much out of joining this site, but I figured what the hell. But something about dating someone younger than me doesn't feel right. Maybe that's something I need to get over. It might also be the fact that I'm older but still don't have my life together and I guess I'm still embarrassed about that. Just in general I haven't put myself out there much with women because I felt like my whole living situation would turn them off.

I've found, the value you have is the value you give yourself. AM will help you with this I believe, it helped me. Good luck with dating & AM run!

Definitely looking forward to it. Being able to live my life based on internal validation is something I've always been striving for.

It only feels like that because you've been fed *****, lies and guilt by society. 4 years is barely anything. The girl i'm seeing now is 11 years younger than me and there hasn't been any issues. The last one was 10 years younger.

And that's what I prefer, women my age have stupid baggage and are usually the ones to write retarded profiles demanding all kinds of stupid crap and that whole attitude is a turn off. Younger girls are more relaxed, fun, playful and some of the girls my age even have lost that.

Though before E2 I still had guilt and such around it, now i'm way more okay with it.

That's what I figured, but wanted a second opinion. I've already encountered some women like that with their profiles. I'm convinced some of them are just narcissists. Social media seems to attract those types of individuals in large quantities. Men and women alike.