StridingStrider's LTU5 Journal

[StridingStrider]

Day 66

Recently I've been feeling very stagnant.. restless if I'm not doing something. When I wasn't making progress with installing a new mirror I felt angry even. Whether this is temporary or more permanent remains to be seen but my productivity is seeing a boost. I feel like just getting stuff done if its something I care about. If it's something outside the house then less so.

[StridingStrider]

Day 68

Had a dream which involved a younger me comparing myself to others and feeling short.. didn't expect something like that to come up and wasn't aware of it until now. E3 digging deep and bringing stuff up.. hopefully I can overcome it and dissolve the negative belief.

I've been thinking about beliefs recently and how easy they are to pick up and affect someone negatively. For instance, there was a trial where a baby was exposed to a mouse and he was completely unaffected by it. Then after installing the belief in him that a mouse was something to be scared of (through observation of someone reacted to one I assume) he became scared when exposed to the mouse.

It seems to me beliefs are the software our brains run on and the subconscious regards them as itself, which would explain why the subconscious is so scared of losing them, equating it with death. It makes me appreciate how difficult it is to raise a child correctly, seen as most of us have parents and other people and ourselves who are damaged through life which we then subconsciously transfer those beliefs to our children.

EDIT: I remember back to when I was younger at school and my mom brings me aside and tells me to be good because the kids in this school and richer and effectually higher class then me. Something along those lines. Looking back why would you tell your child that, you're inferring that he's of lesser value compared to the other children there. No doubt this was a belief transfer from my mom to me which I then incorporated.

[StridingStrider]

Day 69

Feeling physically tired. Coupled with restarting my daily exercise regime, my steam cleaner arrived a couple days ago and I've been cleaning each day for a few hours. I don't mind this, as I've always considered people who have a strong work ethic as something to aspire to. At the same time, I wasn't expecting to be cleaning so much, as my main motivation was to see what the machine could do. Needless to say I'm quite pleased with it, a steam cleaner coupled with a hoover seem to be a good combo.

Also while cleaning I had the thought that USLM might be helping me, as I seem to be going around the house looking for solutions to things I've never really bothered with. Hopefully I can make this a habit as, as I've said industrialness is a virtue I'd like to acquire.

[StridingStrider]

Day 73

Had two intense dreams recently. Must be the H&C. One I was close to getting in a fight with a guy from my previous job. Then someone steps in and gives me a certificate of appreciation if I remember correctly. Another last night had to do with school girls (I was a boy) wearing pig masks which then I'm wearing, like 5 stacked on top of one another. Strange but interesting.

Continuing to be more productive, but I don't really want to leave the house. This will pass eventually, but I have no motivation to go out. Considering just learning to cut my own hair, as this is something I've wanted to do in the past. Been freshening up my appearance regardless. Maintaining my own hair doesn't seem so hard now.

I feel like I'm enjoying life again, not going through the grind of life and instead learning new things and reading more. I'm being more productive in a lot of different areas and this is the type of person I want to be, or the life style I want to lead.

[StridingStrider]

Day 82

Happiness and Joy module finally firing. Woke up today feeling pretty excited about nothing really. Opened the door and almost shouted when I went to greet my dogs this morning. I guess this is what 'joy' feels like.  This feels different to E2, where I would get a feeling of deep contentment and happiness, whereas this is more of an excited feeling.

Ultra Motivation is winding down. Don't feel as driven to do stuff lately, but I'm still more productive then I was before I started.

[StridingStrider]

Day 82 - late

Got really pissed off at my dogs disobeying me when my parents returned home and my dad was his usual negative self. From that point I felt a deep anger that felt more intense then usual. Perhaps it's unrelated to the above, but I decided I needed to go for a walk to calm down.

Interestingly, during the /night walk/ I went past the park and there was an advertisement for volunteers to do some community fitness stuff there, no experience required. I've been interested in working out a long time and am in need of a career change.. wondered if this was due to USLM.

After that I just reflected on the fact that my dad has always been a negative influence in my life, one of those doom and gloom people who don't know how lucky they actually were in life. I dislike talking negatively about people as we all have our own problems and short comings but meh.

I will monitor the anger and see if it returns or if it's just a one off.

[StridingStrider]

Day 84

Perhaps it's too early to say, but I feel like problems are resolving themselves. That anger I had on day 82 returned on day 83 and I expressed my anger to my mom about things which were bothering me. We had a disagreement and for the rest of that day I felt a pointlessness to the work I was doing in the house and isolated myself for the rest of that day. Then today that anger dissipated and when I interacted with my mom she seemed more open to my ideas. The interaction was productive but I think I swerved too much on the antagonistic side being sarcastic rather than more constructive. Mental note.

I've been making progress house training the dogs and they seem to be responding better. Had some 'epiphanies' about how order in society is basically having hierarchies enforced by violence (if necessary) and lack of them results in chaos. I've been exposed to this viewpoint for a while but I think I'm working it through in my mind, previously it was conflicting with libertarian ideas.

It seems that a running theme so far of running LTU5 is that if I'm making progress with something then I'm happy, if not then I get angry. Currently getting the dogs house trained and behaving/living in a more orderly way would be a improvement for the house, and therefore the family as a whole.

[StridingStrider]

Day 86

Again things seem to be going smoother. I had another disagreement with my mother about an unrelated topic then today I dealt with another more delicate issue with the house and my mom seems more open towards my solution for it.

Either this is US making me more successful or LM producing a better response from her. Or both. Either way this is good.

[StridingStrider]

Day 93

*Noticed my hunger drop for the past couple of days. Seems like I'm eating less for a while now, perhaps since starting LTU. Wondering if this might be resistance. I've always been a big eater too.

*Seems like my hair line is receding also. Considering shaving it off and going bald. Not too bad but something I noticed.

*Motivation continuing to decrease.

*Intense dreams again last night revolving around when I was at school, looks like E3 is continuing to do good work.

*So far I really enjoy US. I've noticed the successful mindset/lack of negativity help me find solutions.

*I've noticed I'm becoming less self conscious.

Apart from that I've been pondering the LOA stuff and considering implementing positive visualizations into some sort of morning routine.

[StridingStrider]

Day 106

• Put together a new ward robe and didn't stop until it was completed.
  
  
• Started going for morning walks to fix my lack of energy. Seems to be working.
  
  
• Fear and negativity creeping back in.
  
  
• Lack of dreams the past week.
  
  
• Shaved my hair off. Looks like I am starting to go bald, but that doesn't bother me.
  
  
• Pondering what sub to run after this. I was considering MLS, and in many ways I think it might be one of the best subs I could run but my social anxiety is still a problem.
  

[StridingStrider]

Day 110

• Interestingly, I've finding it easier to positively visualize success in many ways
  
• My memory is improving
  
• Continuing to become less self conscious
  
• My spelling ability seems to be deteriorating though lol
  
• Dreams have returned. Fear related it seems.
  

[StridingStrider]

Double post. Damn mouse is broke.

[StridingStrider]

Day 126

I feel like I've had a breakthrough of sorts. I've begun having a dialogue with my subconscious and often I will get a feeling shooting up my chest into my nose area when I ask certain questions like: 'How are you?'. More often then not it's a feeling of deep sadness which will concentrate around my eyes producing a crying sensation. I then probe deeper asking questions like 'What is it you fear?' and follow up by easing those worries and offering comfort. The sensation will then subside and my anxiety will decrease. So far this has had tangible results which I will keep monitoring.

Apart from that:

• I've been busy busy busy cleaning and tidying my mothers house still. I've probably singlehandedly done the work of multiple people and got more work done then in a decade.
  
• I feel like USLM has helped me a ton by keeping my thinking positive and I've came up with really good solutions.
  
• I'm constantly thinking of new ways to improve myself in some aspect. I just need to be consistent.
  
• I had a deep healing dream that I can't much remember now. When I woke up I was like 'that's the H&C'.
  

[StridingStrider]

Day 141

• Back pain last couple of days
  
• FRM narrowing down on my fears
  
• Anxiety has been high as a result
  
• Gone back to 4:2 as per the instructions
  
• Memory definitely improved
  
• Motivation to do stuff is back
  
• Waking up early occasionally