08-09-2013, 10:02 PM
Every so often, I get steam-rolled. It comes along and I get flattened, and there's nothing I can do but struggle to stay on course. It's been happening for the last four months more and more, and now it's fading away, but it's gonna be October before it's done. The theme of this period of time in my life has been frustration, delay and failure.
If course failure isn't failure if you refuse to stop trying, and I haven't, but all this has really taxed my drive and energy severely. I feel exhausted all the time now, and as if I have very little energy with which to work even on good days. This, of course, has drastically slowed me down.
BAMM is trying to drag me through to my goal, and this influence is trying to flatten me. I know it's just a matter of time before it fades away, but it sure as hell is trying my patience.
Stage 7 was very quiet. I didn't really notice much, primarily because the steamroller effect I was talking about was at it's peak, and was drowning out everything else. I still feel very "soul weary", but it's getting better, slowly but surely. I wish I could just wait it out and do nothing, but life does not allow for that.
Stage 8 started a few days ago.
I turn 40 this month, and I know that all this hardship is going to result in a huge shift in my life. This is the turning point in my life, the end of the first half and the beginning of the second half, at least of my natural lifespan without any adjustments from anti-aging science that may come along in the future.
The second half of my life is going to be more about having and enjoying the fruits of my labors, than struggling to achieve them. Not so unusual. Kind of amusing, though, that I am expecting next year to be able to get a sports car as a gift to myself for the successes I have had, and because I'm 40, someone is going to say, "Oh, that's just him going through a mid-life crisis."
I thought about that for a while now and it irks me. It seems to be just a convenient way of dissipating the success with a wave of the hand. It makes me wonder how much of this "mid life crisis" stuff is just people being jealous of the successes of others. I don't think there is a "mid life crisis", from what I have seen, but I know that I'm going to get a sports car anyway when the time comes. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it would be nice to have something that I enjoy driving, and that other people admire. Something more that reflects my style.
This is one of the two major things left in my life that are defining me according to what my deceased mother wanted, instead of what I want. I inherited this car, and the one before that was a gift to me for college graduation. Ironic, because I never graduated with that degree (dropped out when my instructor told the class, "I hope nobody thinks they're actually going to get a job with this degree," and started repaying the stupid - er, student loan), and the real reason it was given to me was that my grandfather was just too old to drive anymore. That one wasn't my style either, but it was more my style than the boring white commuter car o reliability my mother left me.
That's not to say I'm ungrateful, of course. I couldn't have afforded much of jack if I didn't have these cars. But for all my life, my style has been dictated by others. Now, I am finally beginning to be able to afford to dictate these things on my own.
Reliable commuter car is what mom wanted, and it's what she got: a 1992 Toyota Camry. It's needed work once in it's life, and that was because she left the windows open during a rainstorm. The electrical system shorted out, and simple fuse changes didn't fix it. Aside from that, oil changes, new tires and replacing the brake pads once, it's been flawless. I'm impressed.
But it's not a car that impresses me in any other way. Or really interests me. Or represents me or my style. It was intended to be the cheapest and most reliable car possible for a slow-laner. And I am not a slow-laner.
So next year, I'm going to get myself a sports car that fits me better. I'm going to have some fun. Live a little. Maybe learn how to drift, who knows. But what I do know is that a man is judged heavily based on both what he wears and what he drives, and people assume a lot about you based on these things. Sadly, few ever try to see beyond that if they don't see what they like. I'm not really looking at this because I'm worried, but it would be nice if people finally saw ME when they make those assumptions, instead of boring-but-reliable.
Patience. There's nothing else I can do: I know it's coming, but right now, I'm dealing with other stuff. At least I'm paying my bills, no matter how much they may be. Odd how your bills just keep getting bigger as you make more money. But sometime this year or next, I'll break the point where my bills equal my income, and I'll end up ahead. Significantly ahead.
And I'll be able to drive a car *I* wanted, and *I* paid for, and *I* chose... and live in a house *I* wanted, and *I* paid for, and *I* chose.
And my debts will be D-E-D dead.
Happiness is waking up knowing that there's no debt, and the road ahead is uncluttered. Perfect freedom, and good health. I'm definitely heading for happiness. Now, if I can just get out from under this damned steamroller...
If course failure isn't failure if you refuse to stop trying, and I haven't, but all this has really taxed my drive and energy severely. I feel exhausted all the time now, and as if I have very little energy with which to work even on good days. This, of course, has drastically slowed me down.
BAMM is trying to drag me through to my goal, and this influence is trying to flatten me. I know it's just a matter of time before it fades away, but it sure as hell is trying my patience.
Stage 7 was very quiet. I didn't really notice much, primarily because the steamroller effect I was talking about was at it's peak, and was drowning out everything else. I still feel very "soul weary", but it's getting better, slowly but surely. I wish I could just wait it out and do nothing, but life does not allow for that.
Stage 8 started a few days ago.
I turn 40 this month, and I know that all this hardship is going to result in a huge shift in my life. This is the turning point in my life, the end of the first half and the beginning of the second half, at least of my natural lifespan without any adjustments from anti-aging science that may come along in the future.
The second half of my life is going to be more about having and enjoying the fruits of my labors, than struggling to achieve them. Not so unusual. Kind of amusing, though, that I am expecting next year to be able to get a sports car as a gift to myself for the successes I have had, and because I'm 40, someone is going to say, "Oh, that's just him going through a mid-life crisis."
I thought about that for a while now and it irks me. It seems to be just a convenient way of dissipating the success with a wave of the hand. It makes me wonder how much of this "mid life crisis" stuff is just people being jealous of the successes of others. I don't think there is a "mid life crisis", from what I have seen, but I know that I'm going to get a sports car anyway when the time comes. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it would be nice to have something that I enjoy driving, and that other people admire. Something more that reflects my style.
This is one of the two major things left in my life that are defining me according to what my deceased mother wanted, instead of what I want. I inherited this car, and the one before that was a gift to me for college graduation. Ironic, because I never graduated with that degree (dropped out when my instructor told the class, "I hope nobody thinks they're actually going to get a job with this degree," and started repaying the stupid - er, student loan), and the real reason it was given to me was that my grandfather was just too old to drive anymore. That one wasn't my style either, but it was more my style than the boring white commuter car o reliability my mother left me.
That's not to say I'm ungrateful, of course. I couldn't have afforded much of jack if I didn't have these cars. But for all my life, my style has been dictated by others. Now, I am finally beginning to be able to afford to dictate these things on my own.
Reliable commuter car is what mom wanted, and it's what she got: a 1992 Toyota Camry. It's needed work once in it's life, and that was because she left the windows open during a rainstorm. The electrical system shorted out, and simple fuse changes didn't fix it. Aside from that, oil changes, new tires and replacing the brake pads once, it's been flawless. I'm impressed.
But it's not a car that impresses me in any other way. Or really interests me. Or represents me or my style. It was intended to be the cheapest and most reliable car possible for a slow-laner. And I am not a slow-laner.
So next year, I'm going to get myself a sports car that fits me better. I'm going to have some fun. Live a little. Maybe learn how to drift, who knows. But what I do know is that a man is judged heavily based on both what he wears and what he drives, and people assume a lot about you based on these things. Sadly, few ever try to see beyond that if they don't see what they like. I'm not really looking at this because I'm worried, but it would be nice if people finally saw ME when they make those assumptions, instead of boring-but-reliable.
Patience. There's nothing else I can do: I know it's coming, but right now, I'm dealing with other stuff. At least I'm paying my bills, no matter how much they may be. Odd how your bills just keep getting bigger as you make more money. But sometime this year or next, I'll break the point where my bills equal my income, and I'll end up ahead. Significantly ahead.
And I'll be able to drive a car *I* wanted, and *I* paid for, and *I* chose... and live in a house *I* wanted, and *I* paid for, and *I* chose.
And my debts will be D-E-D dead.
Happiness is waking up knowing that there's no debt, and the road ahead is uncluttered. Perfect freedom, and good health. I'm definitely heading for happiness. Now, if I can just get out from under this damned steamroller...
Subliminal Audio Specialist & Administrator
The scientist has a question to find an answer for. The pseudo-scientist has an answer to find a question for. ~ "Failure is the path of least persistence." - Chinese Fortune Cookie ~ Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight ahead. ~ Sperate supra omnia in valorem. (The value of trust is above all else.) ~ Meowsomeness!
The scientist has a question to find an answer for. The pseudo-scientist has an answer to find a question for. ~ "Failure is the path of least persistence." - Chinese Fortune Cookie ~ Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight ahead. ~ Sperate supra omnia in valorem. (The value of trust is above all else.) ~ Meowsomeness!
