Shannon's BAMM 2.0 Journal

[Shannon]

Stage 4 is challenging. I find myself in a state of... hmmm, confusion, in some sense. As if I am not sure what to do next, as if I am unsure where I am or what's going on. I sense changes happening, but I am not sure where or what is changing. I find myself being surprisingly unproductive after the first few days, as if that productivity tripped a switch and suddenly there is something trying to fight it. But this is bigger than me, and I am not capable of resisting successfully. BAMM is responding as I programmed it to do: when it encounters a boulder, it flows over, under, around, until that boulder has nothing to support it and it is washed away. It does everything else it can do, building it's strengths in such a way that the boulder must move eventually because everything else disagrees with it's presence. I am helpless to stop just because there is this boulder. The whole world is flowing past it regardless.

I find myself confused lately, literally. It's a fog sort of, which has my awareness diffused in such a way that I missed an appointment for the dentist yesterday. I feel like I am not just "in a fog", but I am the fog, and I cannot be stopped, yet I have not formed enough solidity to act yet. Something is "becoming"... in me? Of me? From me? For me? As me?

I don't understand yet. Maybe this lack of productivity isn't an attempt at resistance... maybe it's just confusion. Whatever is changing is hard to describe, as are the changes. It's as if I have become a proto-something that is too embryonic to have sufficient coherence to do more than continue "becoming" right now.

There have been some rather extreme mood swings in this stage a couple of times, both times concerning the same thing. It's an experience I have had before, long since past, but it happens now without the element that made it dangerous in the past. I think it is a tempering, part of what BAMM is demanding of me in order to achieve the goal. There is no room for anything else: all else will be stripped away and removed, and I will be purified and made strong toward the goal. It simply is. There is no question; but at points, it hurts. A lot. Then again, I expected that, I knew it was coming, I knew this was going to happen because that's how I made it. You want to prize? Do what it takes. Tempering metal makes it stronger. But tempering it requires repeatedly stressing it in ways that make it stronger, purer, but couldn't be called "easy". BAMM is designed to change the person using it into the person who will naturally result in a multi-millionaire, and do so regardless of everything else. It's a "take no prisoners" approach. Not for the faint of heart; you will get there, even if becoming what and who is necessary is painful sometimes. Just like boot camp.

I find myself also much more interested in reading lately. I have been purchasing books more frequently, and reading more. My XBox has been gathering dust, in spite of not making as much progress on subs as I wanted to so far. I am still finding ways and pushing myself to work, but it's as if there is something in a state of gaseous form that needs to be solid before I can use it to express my will and drive. That "becomingness" that isn't finished yet. I suppose it makes sense that some times, one must pause in order to continue moving forward.

I'm also spending a lot of money cleaning up loose ends lately. Things I have been avoiding because of fears or expectations or embarrassment, whatever. I'm doing it, dealing with it, getting it done, even when it's expensive, inconvenient and yes, sometimes also painful. Physically, emotionally... doing what needs to be done isn't always fun, but once it's done, it's done.

One of those things I am doing, and spending a lot of money on, is dental work. I find it surprising how calm I am while it's being done. While aspects of it are unpleasant, I just deal with them. The Novocaine needles? Yeah, it's kind of freaky to feel the needle traveling through my jaw flesh, but it's a lot better than the alternative. I can handle it. The ultrasonic scraper? Sure, it sucks, but it's necessary, and I only need to listen to that awful sound for a few more minutes. Suck it up. The sound and feel of the drill? Sure it sucks, but it's necessary. Deal with it. That painful price tag? Yes, this is necessary, even instead of the things I had planned to do this month. Priorities.

I would like to thank you all, by the way, for making it possible for me to do things like go to the dentist. It's important to be grateful for things like this.

So basically I am not entirely sure what all is being done in this stage, but it certainly seems to be getting the stuff that was holding me back dealt with and cleared away. Not always fun, easy or pleasant, but if you want to succeed, you do what it takes.