So much attention at the gym today I didn't know what to do with myself. Traffic picked up as I was nearing the end of my workout and with the after-work crowd comes an influx of hotties. I caught them all looking my way. It was a little overwhelming. One girl—who I've seen enough times to know that she was working out near me cuz her routine actually calls for it—couldn't keep her eyes off of me, and she was literally 3 feet away.
I got uncomfortable with all that attention, as I have written about before. I become self-conscious about my body language and how I move. The best way to describe it is I see myself in my head as I if I was watching me from outside of my body. I try to model my body after mental images of what I think looks normal, natural, and masculine. Of course it tends to look forced and unnatural. This whole out-of-body awareness comes from being obese as a kid and being super conscious about adjusting myself to minimize the appearance of my fat.
I catch myself 'modelling' when I know I'm in the gaze of an attractive woman. We all do a little bit of posturing, but I need to learn how to be comfortable and present no matter who's looking. At the gym I also observed that I had a hard time staying still under the circumstances. I feel like I don't know how to stand and just be. I was pacing around to avoid the tension of being still and having those eyes on me.
Part of the discomfort is that it's difficult not to act on my desires. I am literally going against my nature, and I feel it in my bones. To be attracted to a woman who's clearly interested and do nothing, is painful. It's hard to posture oneself as a man when there's a war going on inside of you.
I got uncomfortable with all that attention, as I have written about before. I become self-conscious about my body language and how I move. The best way to describe it is I see myself in my head as I if I was watching me from outside of my body. I try to model my body after mental images of what I think looks normal, natural, and masculine. Of course it tends to look forced and unnatural. This whole out-of-body awareness comes from being obese as a kid and being super conscious about adjusting myself to minimize the appearance of my fat.
I catch myself 'modelling' when I know I'm in the gaze of an attractive woman. We all do a little bit of posturing, but I need to learn how to be comfortable and present no matter who's looking. At the gym I also observed that I had a hard time staying still under the circumstances. I feel like I don't know how to stand and just be. I was pacing around to avoid the tension of being still and having those eyes on me.
Part of the discomfort is that it's difficult not to act on my desires. I am literally going against my nature, and I feel it in my bones. To be attracted to a woman who's clearly interested and do nothing, is painful. It's hard to posture oneself as a man when there's a war going on inside of you.
Under heaven all can see beauty as beauty only because there is ugliness.
All can know good as good only because there is evil.
All can know good as good only because there is evil.
