Reality can get bent - DMSI 3.3.1-D Adventures and Musings (USLMaxx Interlude Mode)

[Have at ye]

Apart from the above (funny thing - I did a certain clearing operation and it seems like a lot of this sentimentality I'm getting hit with is coming *from the outside*... afterwards, I was feeling way less sentimental, like *poof*. Interesting.), this Monday, after I took a little break, I got hit with very vivid, strong, lynchesque dreams - but, they were not *dark* per se, and after a time I heard a deep, dark, demonic voice (no worries, Rule 4 people - it was my own voice, lol) say "I will destroy you if you do this", to which I found myself replying, in the same voice "No, *I* will destroy *you* if you try to stop me" (lol), and then I had a weird recollection/vision about something that would be the crux of my deep-seated fears re: DMSIng. I woke up soon after (with a little bit of trepidation, but not with a start).

Started reading daddy Freud to go with creepy uncle Lacan. I'm beginning to think that most modern "clinical psychology" as used in psychotherapy is based on a skewed interpretation of Freud and shitty research methodology due to trying too hard to make it into a legit empirical "science", in a Popperian sense.

Getting lots of useful stuff out of daddy Freud.

I'm totes gonna write that book on "non-serviam". Probably going to start this summer.

Touring all week next week. In good company, at least.

EDIT

Oh yeah, in the course of the above mentioned dreams, I was also "hacking my stats" in a video-gamey sense. As if I had a character sheet and were turning it all up to 11.

[Have at ye]

Back from the tour, it was pretty nice, although I did kinda-sorta tell a bunch of people who have been a complete and utter nuisance this touring season what I think about them (nothing pleasant, lol ) because enough's enough. Just couldn't bear them trying to be "buddies" with me after shitting on me all throughout the year behind my back. Judging from their reaction, they had no choice but to agree with what I've told them.

Anyroad, had one lovely lady there (who, unfortunately for my wicked purposes , has a boyfriend and doesn't seem like the type to "step out" - I never fancied these types anyway ) who did give quite a bunch of IOIs and such - but, the interesting thing I noticed was that the more angry/annoyed I got with the merry bunch, the more... direct and aggressive I'd get while flirting with her, lol.

Anyroad, last tour of the season next month (I had really hoped this was the last one, but there's yet another one... and I'm assuming the boyo sharing my part "won't be able to make it", as usual, lol). Got some more shows next Wednesday, as well as sweaty Lacan action and, I think, sweet little aristocrat's gig on the same day, a part to prepare for as well as another at the end of the next month. Too much fun! Gotta keep crackin'

[Have at ye]

Lots of stuff going on, both over and under the hood. I'm not reporting too diligently as I've been very naughty regarding my subliminal usage + other things outside of subs to go along with it. I'm still running DMSI 3.3.1-D regularly, though, usually aiming for 8 loops whenever I can (not always, f. in. now I'm touring and have a relatively busy social schedule apart from that, so there aren't really enough hours in the day most of the time). I'm currently taking 3-day-long breaks every 10 to 14 days. I usually just eye-ball it and take a break when I feel it's warranted.

Random musing of the past few days:

Removing fear? There's nothing to it, really. You just have to conquer death, Yeshua of Nazareth-style. L-O-L.

Also, that Lacan guy really *was* a magnificent bastard, lol. Hot psychoanalytic action is intensifying. I'm also really liking most of the people there, apart from the foxy one, obviously.

[Have at ye]

BTW., out of other DMSI-related stuff, I went to that gig by designee "sweet little aristocrat".

As I arrived and it was about to start (it was a small venue), she got on stage, set up her thing, all serious and everything, sat down, noticed me, lighted up instantly and went: "oh, hi! <sunshinerainbows >" enthusiastically, caught herself in the act (as she really shouldn't have done that from the stage, lol, naughty girl), blushed and tried to regain her composure. I was kinda stunned by this reaction, to say the least. Made me feel all funny inside throughout the week, TBH, and still makes me feel funny whenever I think back to it.

After the gig, I totally invited myself backstage to say hello, she told me that she really appreciates the fact I came (I think she was worried I wouldn't come, seeing what she pulled the last time I gave in her to blinksmiling), to which I said "you invited me, so I'm here", to let her know what's up. The day after I sent her a msg telling her that if they're looking for groupies (it was an all-girl pop/rock-classical trio type of thing, with sexy choreography and everything, heheh) then I'm there, lol.

She's a smart girl, she'll figure it out.

We're *thiiiiiiiiis*close with DMSI. She's still a little bit apprehensive about something (and no wonder, as my feminine intuition is telling me that *everybody in the local biz fucking knows about this by now*... - my vocal coach included - it's like we're a celebrity romance or something, gawd).

Anyway, let's keep at it. After all that, I have begun feeling intimately that everything is going to be juuuust fine. Also, I'm in love.

[Have at ye]

Hmm. So these past several days, since about Tuesday? I've been feeling a little bit worse (caught a little something from one of the touring fools to boot, but I've got it covered. More singing next week, oy!), actually started getting some resistance-like symptoms. F. in. I've been overthinking what version of DMSI to play etc. (I have now settled on plain Ultrasonic, actually; playing it from my laptop), would get angry or depressive and stuff, but ultimately, I believe, it was that pesky, death-driven part of me that's in the right foot, oy - it's actually began *healing* after designee "sweet little aristocrat" sunshined and rainbowed me (because I felt like I've got something to actually and truly live *for*, finally, and sub-wise was actually executing the darn thing about a 100% stronger than previously, with visible results), and apparently it did not like it all that much and started getting testy.

I noticed, though, that as I was messing around with the sub settings, that another part of me started internally yelling "LIVE! LIVE!" at that part that doesn't really wanna. So I guess I now know what "being dead inside" actually is, huh.

Anyroad, just about now I have decided to channel my internal stalker, opened up a pic of the above mentioned designee while running DMSI, and that feeling from before? It's back.

It's like she's everything I ever wanted in a woman - which is *inspiration*. With this, I can be unstoppable.

Ever the romantic Have at ye, oy?

[Have at ye]

I think I have just dealt with a pretty serious FreudJungianLacanian issue, which - I think - was being touched upon all the time on the various versions of DMSI, but never resolved fully. I've got it now, I think, in a way I can put into words. This should help resolve tons.

In short: I am not my father, and I do not have to please my mother.

That's some serious Oedipal stuff, hahaha.

EDIT

Let's rock to some powah metal to celebrate:

[Have at ye]

Random musing of the day:

Just had a thought. I remember reading and really liking this book by Jacek Dukaj (Polish SF/F writer, one of the really good ones) in which he created a world which, in essence, worked exactly as if you took Aristotle's teachings on "form" and "matter" and took them literally for how the world would work "physically". It ended up as having these characters who would bend reality and shape them in their own image, with power and effectiveness depending on the strength of their "form" (starting with Alexander of Macedon, who was historically personally tutored by Aristotle, IIRC), with the main character being a guy who, whilst not having really strong reality-bending powers, had a personal "form" which became so strong it was pretty much immune to "bending" by others (so in the book he became pretty much the only person in the world with the capability to physically kill one of the reality-bending guys - in the book, these guys were unable to meet in person because when their "formative domains" touched, it instantly would become a battle of forms, so to speak). Fun book.

But, here I was thinking, given some philosophical and scientific and rule 4 stuff I've come to learn, I think, that, in a way, things do, or could, work this way, couldn't they? Shape it in our image type of thing, ey? Kind like that "frame" thing PUA and marketing fools keep babbling on about. An interesting notion to be sure.

[Mystic Pymp]

Random musing of the day:

Just had a thought. I remember reading and really liking this book by Jacek Dukaj (Polish SF/F writer, one of the really good ones) in which he created a world which, in essence, worked exactly as if you took Aristotle's teachings on "form" and "matter" and took them literally for how the world would work "physically". It ended up as having these characters who would bend reality and shape them in their own image, with power and effectiveness depending on the strength of their "form" (starting with Alexander of Macedon, who was historically personally tutored by Aristotle, IIRC), with the main character being a guy who, whilst not having really strong reality-bending powers, had a personal "form" which became so strong it was pretty much immune to "bending" by others (so in the book he became pretty much the only person in the world with the capability to physically kill one of the reality-bending guys - in the book, these guys were unable to meet in person because when their "formative domains" touched, it instantly would become a battle of forms, so to speak). Fun book.

But, here I was thinking, given some philosophical and scientific and rule 4 stuff I've come to learn, I think, that, in a way, things do, or could, work this way, couldn't they? Shape it in our image type of thing, ey? Kind like that "frame" thing PUA and marketing fools keep babbling on about. An interesting notion to be sure.

Oh yes, Dukaj. I got his "Ice" and I'm stuck at page 20 or so for a couple of years now. Is the book you're talking about accessible or is it also hard to read? I won't get into it for a long time anyway, between my arcane books, work-related books and Dune, there is little time and attention to read anything more. Still, it would be good to know

[Have at ye]

Random musing of the day:

Just had a thought. I remember reading and really liking this book by Jacek Dukaj (Polish SF/F writer, one of the really good ones) in which he created a world which, in essence, worked exactly as if you took Aristotle's teachings on "form" and "matter" and took them literally for how the world would work "physically". It ended up as having these characters who would bend reality and shape them in their own image, with power and effectiveness depending on the strength of their "form" (starting with Alexander of Macedon, who was historically personally tutored by Aristotle, IIRC), with the main character being a guy who, whilst not having really strong reality-bending powers, had a personal "form" which became so strong it was pretty much immune to "bending" by others (so in the book he became pretty much the only person in the world with the capability to physically kill one of the reality-bending guys - in the book, these guys were unable to meet in person because when their "formative domains" touched, it instantly would become a battle of forms, so to speak). Fun book.

But, here I was thinking, given some philosophical and scientific and rule 4 stuff I've come to learn, I think, that, in a way, things do, or could, work this way, couldn't they? Shape it in our image type of thing, ey? Kind like that "frame" thing PUA and marketing fools keep babbling on about. An interesting notion to be sure.

Oh yes, Dukaj. I got his "Ice" and I'm stuck at page 20 or so for a couple of years now. Is the book you're talking about accessible or is it also hard to read? I won't get into it for a long time anyway, between my arcane books, work-related books and Dune, there is little time and attention to read anything more. Still, it would be good to know

"Inne Pieśni". Waaaay more accessible than "Ice". It actually makes for pretty pleasant reading, especially for Dukaj, haha.

(For English speakers who may be interested: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Other_Songs_(novel) - unforutnately, untranslated into English in full at the time being. I think I found a single chapter in English translation on the author's promo page for international rights some years back, but that's it)

[Have at ye]

I really hope I didn't just fuck it all up all over again.

So, I'm on and about, having a rather pleasant day (despite not feeling quite up to snuff due to that respiratory infection I've come down with), running into various females I like left and right (with one even giving a show of her undies quite blatantly), feeling good, and then - *pow* - I see designee "sweet little aristocrat" and I become partially paralyzed with fear - I get a deep, dark sensation in my liver, which then moved on up to my heart (and I'm still feeling not quite up to snuff heart-wise right about now, I'll have to do something about this); she was obviously inviting me to come on over first by waving, smiling, sunshine-and-rainbowing, then saying hi in passing, but all I found myself able to do was to reciprocate what she was doing but unwilling to do anything else; and I had this thought going through my head "yeah, I'm fucking it all up again, I'm too scared again".

On the other hand, these thoughts were somehow originating from the "dark-feeling" areas, the rest of my body was feeling very fine and kinda content with what was going on. So, hopefully, that fear-reaction was more of a "WTF am I doing by not going over there, I'm going to lose her" reaction to what I was actually doing (which was pretty much a "that's nice, but gimme some more, girl" type of thing - *which I did to at least 4 or 5 other attractive females earlier on in the day*).

After I returned home, I literally bawled as if I were releasing stored, painful emotions, it was something to the extent "if in response to what I just did, she responds with -this and this type of manipulative behavior I've experienced on more than one occasion-, I don't think I'm going to be able to take it this time", and I was listening to this here joyful song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=453K_J_4gTI (warning, it's kinda heavy, but the lyrics, I believe, are exactly on point given what I've written earlier on in the journal). Even though I think I've let most of it out by now, I still physically feel as if I've just gone through an extremely stressful situation, and my heart still feels kinda wonky.

Well, crapitty. Here's hoping.

[Have at ye]

Yeah, feeling a bit better now.

The conclusion I arrived at: the designee is sweet and sunshine and rainbows and everything (and about a 9-10, BTW), but she *is* an aristocrat and I've seen her work over people (myself included). I also know how she truly feels about me (that gig incident and other times when she was unable to maintain composure in my presence), and she should be smart enough to know that I know. This is going to be a contest of wills now.

The remnants of my depression and that dead part in myself (which got so scared by what I was doing that I experienced what I now see was a mini-anxiety attack) are willing to give themselves up totally just in order to get a little sunshine. Thing is, I *might* prevail were I to do so, given I'm running DMSI and everything. Trouble is, it's not what she actually wants. So were I to do so, she would stop liking me so much and eventually get bored and/or start looking around for better prospects. Been there, done that.

She's looking for someone who is at the very least her equal in power, and most probably is looking for someone with enough power to actually subjugate her - not in a crude or violent manner, but with will.

I am also taking steps to once and for all heal/remove/resolve that depressive part of me. This ends now. I do not ever want to experience shit like that again.

[PDjunkie]

Good luck and I'm sure you'll shortly be emerging from this dark tunnel, keep us posted

[Have at ye]

Good luck and I'm sure you'll shortly be emerging from this dark tunnel, keep us posted

Thanks. It's going pretty well, I think. I'm actually up and about and feeling pretty well (and having responders responding), but still getting those dark sensations on the right foot - liver - heart line. Hopefully this means it is getting worked on.

I now know why my subC kept equaling love and sex with death - due to the need and lack that is/was so deep and profound that actually receiving it from a valid source could result in a destruction of any sort of sense of subjective volition; I guess it could be resolved through objective means; still, it wouldn't be essentially true, now would it? I believe this needs to get fixed on my own power to actually work and to get me what I'm after. Otherwise, in the absence of a source, the need would keep reappearing.

Also, people with manipulative tendencies (or maybe even simply people who *want* or *need* something from you as well) can either sense this or notice it, and depending on their skill and/or power exploit it.

[Have at ye]

Progressing. Had hot Lacanian action yesternight, designee "foxy psychoanalyst" was not in attendance, but I did get the hots for our psychoanalytic cult leader, lol (let's call her designee "foxy MILF psychoanalyst") with her responding and everything (she kinda looks at me in a "who the **** is this guy and where did he come from" way, lol). Unfortunately, it was the last bit of hot Lacanian action for this season. The cult leader said they're planning a slight change of working order next year, more focused on 2 + 1 groups (2 "students", 1 "cult leader" to oversee the work) or something.

You know what would be fun? Setting up some group work with designee "foxy psychoanalyst" with "foxy MILF psychoanalyst" to oversee it. I would avenge you, Nietzsche, old friend!

(I'm saying this about Fred because he crafted his concept of "overman" as a means of working through getting rebuked by this here chick: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lou_Andreas-Salom%C3%A9 - umm, twice. After being in a 2 + 1 situation with her and some other dude And balance would be restored, lol )

Apart from that, I've gotten some more good stuff out of that Lacan guy and getting breakthrough a mile a minute. Let's keep at it.