RERUN 3 AM5

[aswase]

10AM I wake up in my house, and my first ex texts me that she wants to hangout. She is really cute, intelligent, feminine; I have no idea how managed to go out with her originally. Now that I've defined the kind of woman in my life.. When she texted me, I felt different. Its been years, and of course I had the oneitis bad for her back then. She seems kind of keen on meeting up, but she's hot and cold.. Im taking it that she probably still thinks i'm still the same guy I was in middle school, which is understandable, but am really curious as to how shes been rather than just fucking her brains out. Loss of that "Fake Libido" Ive seen popping up in the forums lately.

I basically forced myself to stay outside all day, and am going to stay out there until 10oclock tonight as well.
Woke up, worked out, ate, watched some tv (FUCK), and then skated my driveway and ramp for the first time in about a year. I went to my bus, and texted an old friend offering a position as my workout buddy at my gym for free so long as he punches the my stomach till he eventually has to drop cinderblocks on me.
Still waiting for a reply.

I also cold approached this chick on the bus for the first time in months too. She looked 18 (She was 26). I felt good after, and started writing more in my book about what people should read when transitioning; psych books, forum posts, and overall improvement books. Im still working on the subliminals portion, but I really wanna save that for the end. Maybe Shannon will be interested in sponsoring my book for the advertising/reccomendations too. Im not sure 100% yet.
So long as im not inside, i know that ill grow.

Think im just gonna keep this staying outside the house thing going forever. Unless its for food, sleeping, or showering, then their is no point in being inside.

Im writing a book on the process of quitting my technology/drug/introverted lifestyle, and think that a lot of people will benefit from it since its such a pain to go through. Ive quit cigarettes, opiates, and other drugs like nothing, but this. I did this to myself. I admit it. But wishing wont do anything. Ive been hardcore since I was four, and this all is officially ending now. I refuse mediocrity.

I recently thought that I should change over to AM6... again.. but i know thats just me resisting truly at heart. Its hard to see growth, but the removal of things that hold one back, is exponential. I remember hearing somewhere that unless something is 300% better than what it already is, then it never noticed, but if the quality of something drops, even in the slightest, it is noticed.

Im responsible for the big steps, and Shannon is the glue that binds it all together.

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I spent today walking around without a single second of running inner dialogue, but realize that the moment I reach my fingers to somewhere, words will flow out like air. Hopefully this will come back in good time. This however, is attributed definitely to technology.. as well as drugs.

I haven't told anyone this story, because its really stupid, but It might help give clarity to why I am the way I am.

Around two years back, I was on an island where marijuana is legal, and was a weekend warrior at the time.

I worked for a farmer on this land extensively for money, but eventually he started paying me in weed.

After racking up around 7oz of high quality death kush, I tried to kill myself.. as a joke. Nobody had ever killed themselves from weed.. So purified the herb into hash, and tossed it in a mason jar filled about halfway up with vodka, and chugged it all down till there was nothing left.

I passed out, and woke up the next day feeling completely normal, but the next day, for two months, I believed i had schizophrenia, and eventually it devolved to aspergers. I think that night, i had stopped breathing multiple times. Either way, I probably have brain damage from the 0 to 100% binge that lasted around one week. Im guessing most of it is to my amygdala due to the elevation of schizoid like behavior, but i guess ill never know. (Im going to start taking lithium ortonate tomorrow to help with whatever I did.)
I did it because I thought it'd helped me fit in.. id catch up to all my cool friends that smoked weed and did drugs, but.. now that i'm more mature, i've come to realize that none of those things matter not even warm vagina.

Funny story too;
I was on the bus this morning, and a girl approached to sit next to me on the bus. She looked completely normal, and although she looked attractive, and I was ready to play around and say "Youll have to fight me for this seat" Something stopped me. Not anxiety.. but something else. possibly the sub..
Another girl approached to sit near her friend after I had abruptly stopped, and they were talking about robbing a store and how awesome it was to be fucked up on xanax bars.

My boner immediately flew out the window.
The end.

I think the moral of the story is that its fine to be disgusted with ones past initially, but that an alphamale, in the end, understands, and does not judge. They just dis-associate, and move on.

Im gonna go outside now.

Ciao