RERUN 3 AM5

[aswase]

Stage 4, Ive reached a point of realization. Ive known that Ive been lost for the past few months on what the hell to do with my life. I know what I want, but my plan is still.. fuzzy. I constantly feel that I am creating my own barriers, but when I finally sit down, and think, nothing seems to pop up.
I purchased AM6 a couple of hours ago, succumbing to my wants for a quick fix, but stopped myself from downloading the purchase onto my phone.
AM6 will be my continuation after I finish AM5 first.
Im curious as to if after all of this, I should be doing the refresh of both in cycles when I am finished, or whether I should just continue to do AM6 again and again.
I plan on using subs for the rest of my life; its just, how to lay it out, I'm not so sure.

Im not sure what my personality type really is; INFJ/INFP is what I received after I had taken my test. Introverted: Yes. Everything else; I am not sure. I know which answer feeds to which type, and its hard for me to feel what I truly am in all aspects 100%, but I accept what I got is what it is.
Its funny because after all of this, I just feel hopeless. I don't really care about anything anymore except getting better.

Before this sub, I wanted to be the social butterfly, and have people loving me, and being the best, and socially accepted as the man, people to be jealous of me. The cool guy. Someone whom is respectable, but not alone. I like being alone. Sure. But to me, its not an option really; thats what hurts. Im changing that.

I lost my last girlfriend because of all my negative habits. It ended with nothing, and her falling for a successful guy whom seems to have things worked out, as the person whom I am working towards being.. Im competing against the me I want to be till i'm better than him.

I hate the feelings of worthlessness being brought about by this sub, but i'm happy that it gives me more of a drive to being better. I don't cry anymore. Even if I try. It just hurts now really.

Video games. Tv. My Phone. Porn. Drugs. Most of it Alone, with people on the same damn boat bringing me to now..
It wasn't that bad I guess.. but its depressing to see how I stagnated, and how successful people are nowadays in comparison. Cant get something for nothing I suppose.

Truthfully, I think i've reached my manifestation of an alpha already, but my final resistances are keeping me from breaking through the final wall. Once past this wall, I feel that everything will flow freely, and my stagnation will forever be gone.

I guess I never felt alpha because I wasn't seeing the visible changes. Its in the way of thinking that really matters though.

I went in seeking women, money, and validation, coolness, all the intangibles..
But I came out without a care for any of them really in the end. A want, sure. But no longer a need.
Ive also gained a better sense of feeling towards others when I see them. Im not so autistic anymore when it comes to understanding the underlying context of peoples conversations and such.
Im still not a great, extraverted social butterfly conversationalist, but Im happy that i've managed to develop this far.
This whole AM Journey thing has been a pain in the ass, but I wouldnt change it for everything.
I know nothing. I need nothing. I care about nothing. Fuck. I feel like a damn psychopath. Or a lazy something. But not lazy either.. ehhh. Undefined.

The less I care about the things that I don't have, or the things I want that are intangible.. the easier it comes.

Time to stop thinking I guess.

TLDR;
Im Completely fucking lost, but think Im also found.

Thank you Shannon.